Am I being reasonable?

[LovesDogz]

Hello everyone,

 

I was not sure where to post this thread. I imagine it could just as appropriately be placed under the Relationships Communication board, but I decided to post here.

 

I am dating a man whom I have a very long history with. We were together for roughly ten years when we broke up last year. We broke up because I told him I was not ready to move in with him . . . I felt as if we needed some time apart from each other to just, have some breathing room, think, maybe grow a little bit (we had been dating since we were teenagers). Well we didn't talk for a while when he basically started to pursue me again. Seeing as how I always loved him, it was difficult for me to resist. I was happy to be seeing him again. And this time around, he seemed more appreciative of me (something I always felt was lacking).

 

We are seriously dating again. There has been no talk of moving in together or anything because I am in school for the year and would not be able to help with bills.

 

As of late I have been struggling with communication issues, ie basically I don't always feel I get enough of it from him...nor do I always feel appreciated. Here is an example of what is currently bothering me: I stayed over his house Tuesday night. I got over there late, after ten pm, and we were both quite tired so after an hour or so we went to bed. The next day I spent the day at school, waited for him to finish work for the day, and met up with him again around 7:30pm. We had discussed that I would spend the night again. I was really looking forward to this since I figured we would meet up relatively early, have the night to spend together, maybe make dinner, and it would be great. I was especially excited because his roommate has been away for a week so the place would be all to ourselves. Well when we pulled up to his house, his friend called. He did not answer the phone because he knew this friend wanted to come over and watch hockey. We go inside, i do the dishes because I had dirtied some for breakfast, and his friend is here...just stopped over. It really disappointed and frustrated me because I thought we could be alone. Of course my boyfriend didn't tell him to leave. I was annoyed with his friend, but more so with my boyfriend because he could have told him earlier in the day not to come over because I was going to be there. I also got annoyed because my boyfriend ate a salad I had prepared earlier in the day for myself....it sounds stupid but he didn't even ask if I was going to eat it. So naturally, I let him know of my frustration. It sounds pathetic but I even cried a little. I cry easily, which my boyfriend hates, and I was truly frustrated, and starving. So he begrudgingly offered to go to the supermarket to get food. He wanted me to go and I refused. That is my fault for being a brat, but I just wanted him to go out of his way and do something for me.

 

Sorry, I know this is long, but here is the bulk of my irritation. The next morning, things were obviously still tense. He gave me a ride to school. On the way, trying to make pleasant conversation I said, "who won the hockey game?" he said, "I don't know, I don't give a * * * * ." I thought that was highly rude and unnecessary but I let it roll off my back. I didn't talk to him the rest of the day. Yesterday morning I finally had to call him to see if I had left something at his house. We talked briefly and he said he would call me that evening when we was done work. So he called me at the end of the day and invited me over, but said "there will probably be other people here so I don't want you to cry. I know we have to exclusively be alone for you to be happy." like, obviously that was a smart comment. Moreover, what he said isn't true. But I would like to be alone sometimes, especially since we don't see each other a whole ton. Lastly, why wouldn't he want to go out of his way to reserve time to hang out alone? Idk, maybe even go on a date?? I declined his invite, especially since it wasn't particularly enthusiastic. He asked me what I am doing tomorrow (aka tonight) tonight. I said I wasn't sure, and he said the same. Yet he made no move to reserve plans exclusively with me. At this point, I have already received an invite from friends which I plan on accepting, although I would rather be with my boyfriend.

 

Ok, so am I being too needy by wanting my boyfriend to specifically make plans with me alone? Shouldn't he want to do that?? And how do I communicate this without him getting mad? When I get upset because he doesn't call when he says he will, or call enough, he sarctasticaly talks about having a check in time, or what's the quota for the amounts he has to call? It's hard because I really am an independent woman...I just love my boyfriend very much and don't always feel like he appreciates me for the "whole package" that I am. Am I being crazy? When I mentioned that maybe I was just too needy for him, he said "no, you're not, I invited you over tonight and you declined. We hung Wednesday night." but like I cannot understand why he wouldn't try to make plans with me for a Saturday night if we are both seemingly free. I guess he just assumes I will be tonight too. he also said "you are the one who didn't want to move in together. We would see each other every day." I feel like he cannot keep bringing that up. I thought we had moved beyond that. Moreover, if we lived together I almost think he would take me for granted even more.

 

Ok, sorry this is so long. I expect to be bombarded and called demanding, needy, foolish, etc. Thanks for reading though.

[Stay_home]

I think it's best to have a sit down with your other half about some of the issues that you're facing within your relationship. Communication is critical and right now the communication barrier between you all, its strings are wearing thin. Therefore, a lot of other areas of the relationship are starting to fall apart.

[LovesDogz]

I think it's best to have a sit down with your other half about some of the issues that you're facing within your relationship. Communication is critical and right now the communication barrier between you all, its strings are wearing thin. Therefore, a lot of other areas of the relationship are starting to fall apart.

 

Thank you for your response. My only problem is, I feel like he doesn't/won't agree with me, and gets defensive? I need to be confident that I am right in feeling this way. I am pretty confident, but then I think maybe I am being too hard on him?

 

Should I just say something like, "I love you and appreciate all that you do do for me, but I think i am expecting more"?

[Stay_home]

Thank you for your response. My only problem is, I feel like he doesn't/won't agree with me, and gets defensive? I need to be confident that I am right in feeling this way. I am pretty confident, but then I think maybe I am being too hard on him?

 

Should I just say something like, "I love you and appreciate all that you do do for me, but I think i am expecting more"?

 

Well... he is entitled to having friends too. But if you two are scheduling time to spend together and those plans are being scraped for his friends, that's a problem. I think you need to address that. Asking for a compromise for time could be a good start. If he's just totally unwilling to listen to anything, then you might have to consider if this relationship is any longer worth the hunt. Not to say that's the greatest advice in the world, but I just firmly believe that if a person is not pulling their load of the haul, you talk about it and if they don't want to hear it, I would leave. And by God, I mean it.

[penelope13]

Disappointments arise when you have expectations that are not met. It sounds as if you have a whole lot of expectations how he should be, what he should do, what he should say, yet I am not sure if you have communicated those expectations to him. So you end up being disappointed about him, but he may not even be aware that he has disappointed you.

 

Did you clearly tell him that day that you were looking forward to an early evening with him, to cook with him, and have a lot of quality alone time?

 

The same with the salad: did you tell him that you made the salad for yourself? How was he supposed to know that? (was this at your place or his place?)

 

About you being the whole package: that is great and fantastic, however regardless, having to communicate/ interact with someone who is easily upset and cries easily can get tiresome very quickly. It removes the possibility to talk about an upcoming issue in a constructive manner, because any person with some feeling will feel obliged first to get you to stop crying, thus often the constructive discussion about the issue (minor or big) gets postponed or is not taking place properly. This will create resentment over time.

 

The best thing you and your bf can do is to improve your communication styles drastically

[LovesDogz]

Penelope, thank you so much for your response. You're right, I haven't been communicating these things. The salad thing, while really quite trivial, just added to my frustration (it was at his place - and he could have easily thought it was made for him, too, so I didn't make a big deal about it b/c I knew it wasn't much worth it).

 

I didn't tell him that I was looking forward to spending time with him that night. I guess I just figured he would be thinking the same thing. That is where my line of thinking is wrong, but maybe I am looking for a man who would be thinking the same thing? Sort of like, "Hey, we don't see each other a whole ton and when we do we are both often tired and ready for bed. I'm looking forward to have a few extra hours together." Or like, the issue of hanging out tonight - like why wouldn't he have taken that opportunity to firm up plans? It is typically his style to NOT be much of an advanced planner, but I have always (mis)interpreted that to mean that he doesn't appreciate me and just expects I am ready at his beck and call. I know I could have said definitively , "Hey, let's see each other tomorrow night," but I guess I wanted to hear it from him.

 

You are both right that communication needs to improve. I usually just kind of wait until I get upset, and me getting upset probably isn't even warranted all of the time if he doesn't know what I am expecting . . . .

[penelope13]

I guess I just figured he would be thinking the same thing. That is where my line of thinking is wrong, but maybe I am looking for a man who would be thinking the same thing?

 

No matter who you are dating or communicating with: never assume that their minds work the same way as yours. that is a guarantee for disappointment.

 

Trying to see things from a different perspective is a must in any good relationship. Since we can't look into each other's heads we need to express what our expectations are and LISTEN to what the expectations of the other person are before trying to find a mutual compromise.

 

You are both right that communication needs to improve. I usually just kind of wait until I get upset, and me getting upset probably isn't even warranted all of the time if he doesn't know what I am expecting . . . .

 

If you realize this is how you communicate, it's hight time to change that!

[catfeeder]

When the friend showed up and the TV went on, I'd enter the room and ask friend and BF if I can get them something to drink. I'd ask BF if I can borrow him for a minute, then I'd step into another room and say, "I understand if you want to hang out with Charlie to watch the game. How about if I take off and get some stuff done, and we can make our night together another night?"

 

If BF wanted to change that outcome, he could do so, but short of that, I wouldn't need to hang around there seething and manipulating--I'd be home free to do whatever I wanted. This gets BF off the hook, and it gets me out of there without a scene.

 

This also gives BF the freedom to either follow up and make this up to me, or not. If not, then that of itself is useful information. Rather than badger him about not being the BF I want, I can decide whether I want to continue being his GF.

 

Being taken for granted, as you've noticed, doesn't EVER get resolved by pounding guilt into the person doing it. When I'm not appreciated I remove myself. If I continue to remain unappreciated I remain removed--unless and until I'm appreciated again.

 

This is nothing to fight about. Fighting doesn't 'work'.

[LovesDogz]

Thank you, catfeeder. I like your advice at the bottom of your post, too, about backing off (which is more-or-less how you said you would have handled my particular situation). The only problem is it is often difficult for me to do such a thing. Somehow I'll have to find the strength to back off and walk away when I see it fit. In this situation, though, I do know that my and our communication needs to improve.

[catfeeder]

Thank you, catfeeder. I like your advice at the bottom of your post, too, about backing off (which is more-or-less how you said you would have handled my particular situation). The only problem is it is often difficult for me to do such a thing. Somehow I'll have to find the strength to back off and walk away when I see it fit. In this situation, though, I do know that my and our communication needs to improve.

 

I realize this sounds counter-intuitive, but often the best communication is done without words. It gives people the opportunity to look back and self-correct. If they're worth my investment, they'll do that on their own when I get out of the way. On the flip side, getting on top of them to 'fix' a wrong immediately gets everybody nowhere--fast. It provokes stubbornness and makes me come off as a controlling infant, which not only erodes the relationship, it makes ME miserable and ashamed of myself. Then I'm more insecure and controlling, and it's a vicious cycle.

 

I've discovered that I get exactly the results I want when I remain calm, kind, and go away. Sure, maybe that particular moment isn't saved--but I can't save that no matter WHAT I do. I'd rather see cumulative results by sending the message: I don't stick around when I don't like how I'm treated. Period.