Am I just a hookup/friends with benefits or does he want to date?

[milkyway17]

So I've been friends with this guy for a few years but just recently these past months we started to hang out more. We started out just as friends, and we hung out sometimes alone and sometimes with his friends too. Last weekend when we hung out, we started holding hands while watching a movie.

Then tonight, I went over to his house and he put his arm around me while we watched this movie and he kissed me on the head and then we started to make out and ended up having sex. Afterwards, we didn't really cuddle or anything, but his parents would be home soon so we had to get dressed quickly, and then we ate and then he sent me home since i had to leave 30 minutes later anyways and he wanted to hang out with a few of his friends later tonight.

So I sort of like this guy, but I want to know if I'm just a hook up or if he wants to date. I don't really want to ask because I feel like that's an awkward question... I'm willing to wait it out a bit first.

When we were having sex he was mostly focused on me, and not himself. I'm not actually sure if he ever came, but I did.

But we're in high school and he's graduating this year and I'm a junior. And I'm not sure if he wants to date because he is leaving to go to college soon (though it's close)... But he did say earlier (before we hooked up) that I should visit him when he's at college and stuff.

And I know that he's hooked up with a different girl before, so he has just been hookup buddies with someone before. (Not anymore though)

He's held my hand before (before we hooked up) in front of his friends.

And also, last night he texted me good luck for the SAT this morning which was really nice! But I'm not sure if that really applies here...

Anyways, what do you guys think? Am I just a hook up or does he want to date?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Sorry to say but you were his hookup...and chances are he bragged to his friends later on that he just scored. I hope he used a condom. Are you on birth control pills?

[milkyway17]

I'm not on pills, but yeah we used a condom. No worries there! I don't think he actually even came, so. .

[drummergirl]

I'm not on pills, but yeah we used a condom. No worries there! I don't think he actually even came, so. .

 

Condoms are great, but they're not 100%. (I am very close to another woman with 2 kids. . . both times she'd used a condom). If you plan to continue having sex with this guy (or any other), I'd seriously recommend looking into birth control. And then using condoms, too, as no birth control is 100% effective and condoms do still help protect against STDs as well.

 

You feel comfortable having sex with him, but you don't feel comfortable asking if you are dating? . . . Sorry to say, but sounds like you're just a hookup.

 

Truthfully, I'd just ask. Best to know and be clear before somebody's feelings get hurt. . . most likely yours.

[lavenderdove]

You have several options here...

 

You can wait and see if he starts asking on you real dates rather than just falling into sex when it's convenient. Or you can ask him on a date and see how he responds. Or you can just assume it is FWB since he is going away to college and not take it seriously unless he tells you he wants a relationship.

 

But i think best to just ask him in a no big deal kind of way, 'i really had fun the other night... just so we're clear, did you want to go out with me, or was that just a FWB thing for you.. i'm OK whatever it was, just wanted to make sure i understood what happened there...' then let him answer. it doesn't have to be awkward or a big deal.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Lots of guys, be the teenagers like him or middle-aged adults, will do anything and say anything to get sex. They will hold your hand, whisper words of love, talk about the future he sees with you...but not mean any of it. It is just a way to entice the woman to his bed. A lot of adult women make the mistake of sleeping with a guy when they are not in an established relationship and then are afraid to ask the guy what his intentions are regarding a relationship. That is why it is better for a woman emotionally if she would establish a relationship first before going to bed with the guy. Basically what you had was a quicky before his parents came home and before he was to meet his friends. Is this what you really want for yourself..to be some guy's quick release before his parents come home...so you do the deed and quickly have to leave so you don't get caught and so he can then go out with his friends. He may have been concerned about your pleasure during the act of sex, but that doesn't mean he really cares about you in any meaningful way. Caring about someone is not a quick fumble prior to parents coming home and going out with friends.

[Stay_home]

Um, I don't feel that this is a fair assessment to make just because the guy is a young and in high school. And I didn't see anything in her post as of yet (we'll wait for the update) that would suggest he's done anything to warrant that.

[Cmaj7th]

This maybe what he's doing. There's no way to tell for sure from your short post but this is common behavior from young guys. I'd consider myself a romantic and my female friends say I'm a sweetheart but in my darkest moments I have done what crazyaboutdogs has described. Maybe to not as maliciously but I've definitely been an opportunist in the past.

 

OP I would be hesitant since he did not take you on a proper date before he slept together. In the future I'd agree that you should establish a relationship of sorts before having sex. That way you wont have to wonder if he's in it for the sex or you.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Um, I don't feel that this is a fair assessment to make just because the guy is a young and in high school. And I didn't see anything in her post as of yet (we'll wait for the update) that would suggest he's done anything to warrant that.

 

She has already said he has done hook-ups before. He basically just invited her to his place, they had sex and had to rush because his parents were coming home and he wanted to go out with his friends. I wouldn't exactly call this love.

[milkyway17]

It's not like he kicked me out because his parents came home and he wanted to go out with his friends. I already had to leave anyways when he went to go hang out with his friends, and we just stopped doing "stuff" because his parents came home. And we had hung out together other times before last night.

 

I'm okay with being friends with benefits. It's not that big of a deal to me. I mean, dating WOULD be nice, but friends with benefits is fine for me too. And also sometimes I feel like dating would make everything too complicated anyways, so maybe dating isn't actually better. I wouldn't make him seem like that bad of a person - like he's manipulating me into giving him sex... Because I wasn't really manipulated and I enjoyed hooking up too haha.

 

Anyways, this was just last night, and he hasn't talked to me yet besides the text wishing me good luck on the SAT, so I think I'll wait to see. And then probably ask him about it if nothing happens.

[Stay_home]

She has already said he has done hook-ups before. He basically just invited her to his place, they had sex and had to rush because his parents were coming home and he wanted to go out with his friends. I wouldn't exactly call this love.

 

But you made the guy seem like he was a complete piece of human waste. If a guy is honest about his feelings and says, look I really just want to hookup, that doesn't make him into a monster. To be honest, most of the time women encourage the behavior of men to act like the dogs that they do. Because they sacrifice their logic for emotion; make emotionally based decisions rather than to think things through and to really process some of the crap that's being told to them. Then those same women get upset at the world and say that no good men exist. The problem isn't always the men.

 

I'm okay with being friends with benefits. It's not that big of a deal to me. I mean, dating WOULD be nice, but friends with benefits is fine for me too. And also sometimes I feel like dating would make everything too complicated anyways, so maybe dating isn't actually better. I wouldn't make him seem like that bad of a person - like he's manipulating me into giving him sex... Because I wasn't really manipulated and I enjoyed hooking up too haha.

 

She's ok with things the way they are. If she wasn't then it would be her fault for accepting the invitation. Remember, it takes two to tangle. The OP has a choice to either lay down or keep her clothes on. Once after he stated that he's been on hookups before, a red flag should've went off. It didn't because she wanted it just as bad.

[mouseno4]

In my personal opinion, yes he did only just want a quicky for no other reason than to get himself off. I would not guarantee that as guys can sometimes be unpredictable (and i am male too!). As the old saying goes from my high school days - he wanted a root and he got the easiest and quickest he could find. I am not trying to make you sound less of a person because of how 'easy' you may or may not have been. From my perspective, i highly doubt he wanted anything more than the sink the ball into the 18th hole and leave the course. And the vague invitation to come back - is probably just for another quick and easy root with no strings.

 

Of course, i have met girls who actually want that also. They are quite happy to get a quick roll in the hay just to satisfy an urge, and as soon as they are done, just pick up their underwear from the floor and walk out the door without a second thought. You may not be like this, and i will assume because you are asking the question, you are interested in a fully fledged relationship.

 

I am sorry to say it, but a good percentage of guys are the type who would just want sex for sex's sake. Not all of us are like that, but i would guess that he happens to be a member of this group.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree that women do encourage this kind of behaviour in men...and clearly the OP doesn't have a problem with it.

[mouseno4]

For some reason beyond my understanding, a big difference between girls and guys is that girls are much more open in general about their feelings. Most guys are not. Perhaps it has something to do with being or at least appearing 'macho' to friends or girls. /shrug

 

(to be truthful, ive never had a girl ask about my feelings)

[Stay_home]

For some reason beyond my understanding, a big difference between girls and guys is that girls are much more open in general about their feelings. Most guys are not. Perhaps it has something to do with being or at least appearing 'macho' to friends or girls. /shrug

 

(to be truthful, ive never had a girl ask about my feelings)

 

Women are just a lot more emotional than men are, period. A lot of their decision-making skills comes from an emotional assessment of a situation. That's why I feel like most women are more likely to stay in relationships/marriages that are all bad for them. Because they have become emotionally invested, therefore, they don't understand the logical side of this guy is cheating on you, taking advantage of you or that this guy is bashing your head against the wall. They don't always see it in the same set of eyes as one would who is more logically wired. Logic says, get the hell out of that relationship before it's too late. Emotion says, I love him. I remember when we first met, he was so kind, so sweet, I wonder why he's so upset now. I don't want to be alone, I'm afraid that I can't find anybody else to love me. He needs me. We can fix this and eventually be like we were in the beginning.

[milkyway17]

I talked to him about it and he said that he really liked me and that he wanted to continue seeing me (:

 

But that we'd have to break up when he left for college. Which is perfectly understandable to me, I don't want to have a long distance relationship either. And I wouldn't want to go to college in a relationship...haha.

So I don't know how well that will go but I guess I'll see. We'll just make the best of the time that we have! And hopefully have a break up on good terms.

 

I'm guessing you guys will say that just dating for a little short period while knowing that the break up is coming/inevitable is pointless? I dunno...

[mouseno4]

That is exactly why i dont understand. Perhaps i will never be able to understand. As the saying goes, you cant describe colour to a person born blind.

 

As you can imagine, 'it dont make sense!'.

 

 

Well, you have my best wishes for a swift and positive result, whichever path you choose.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

There are many men who stay in relationships that are bad for them for the same reasons that women stay in relationships that are bad. This board is full of posts from men who are staying with cheaters, emotional abusers and just plain cold, nasty women. Lots of posts on this forum from men who want to get back with their ex who dumped them for someone else. Men are just as emotional as women when it comes to relationships..they just express it differently.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

The longer you are with him, the more emotionally invested you will become....and to answer your original question...yes, you are most definitely his hookup/friends with benefits, because he has made it clear that he has no interest in any kind of future with you. He sees this as short-term only.

[anya1607307555]

I wouldn't describe it as a hookup or FWB situation, it's a short term relationship/romance. He doesn't seem to be in it purely for the sex, to me.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I wouldn't describe it as a hookup or FWB situation, it's a short term relationship/romance. He doesn't seem to be in it purely for the sex, to me.

 

Of course he is. When someone makes it clear that after a few months you will be history as he moves on with his life, and he has a history of hookups and he didn't even take her out on a date, just a wham bam thank you ma'am in his house before his parents came home, that tells you everything you need to know about where his head is at. If he liked her enough he would be making it clear he wants to see where things go. He would have asked her out on a proper date. He knows she is ready and willing to be his sex partner so why would he give that up for now. She is convenient for him until he goes away to college.

[milkyway17]

He doesn't exactly have a "history" of hook ups. He's had one hook up friend and that was because she didn't want to be in a relationship - he ended their "fwb" thing anyways.

And we HAVE been on dates before that one time we were at his house. I mean, I don't know if you would call them dates. But it's not like this was the first time we had ever hung out.

Anyways he did tell me that he wanted to date me, but he thinks that we'd need to break up when he left for college. (Makes sense to me.) He said we could date but then break up, or be fwb "except exclusive and still go on dates and stuff" (his words). And those two options are sort of the same...haha.

So yeah. And you're making it sound like I was manipulated into having sex with him...when I sort of initiated it.

[Stay_home]

Of course he is. When someone makes it clear that after a few months you will be history as he moves on with his life, and he has a history of hookups and he didn't even take her out on a date, just a wham bam thank you ma'am in his house before his parents came home, that tells you everything you need to know about where his head is at. If he liked her enough he would be making it clear he wants to see where things go. He would have asked her out on a proper date. He knows she is ready and willing to be his sex partner so why would he give that up for now. She is convenient for him until he goes away to college.

 

We're all human beings and we all have needs.

 

Again, I agree, there are some men out here just looking for sex. Women too. But the time for pointing the finger at the devil is not after you've already committed the flesh. If the guy is being honest about his wants and communicates that emphatically (even sharing details from his past about hook ups) we can at least thank him for his honesty. A lot of men will not even go that far. So I don't think we should totally crucify the dude. Fine, he's looking for one thing. Now the ball is in your court. So what do you do? You leave him be and you move on.