I don't understand the No Contact Rule

[GettingBetter]

I just recently got out of my second significant relationship. It ended when my girlfriend asked me to stop contacting her after an argument we had about our career ambitions. I have no idea what is or was going through her mind, but the phrase, "No Contact" as I had read here on eNA kept coming to my mind.

 

Now, I'll be perfectly honest. I don't understand what the point of the "No Contact Rule" is. Is it to heal? Is it to get back together with your significant other? Or, is it to completely sever all ties?

 

Frankly, my friends and I all regard her unwillingness to communicate as childish. I mentioned the possibility that she was going "No Contact" to my friends, who each have had their fair share of relationships, and none of them had ever heard of such a thing in a relationship between two adults.

 

The situation got me thinking about my first breakup, which was with a girl I had dated for a year, some time prior. There were no hard feelings in that breakup. We realized we weren't compatible, and so we stopped dating. We started doing our own things, each dating other individuals. But, we were still friends. We would still talk when the other was down, lend relationship advice, help the other to understand the opposite sex, or help the other just as friends would.

 

After this went on for a while, we considered dating again, but we rationally thought it through and decided it was best if we just remained friends.

 

It finally ended when she got engaged to one of her boyfriends she had since met. The very day he had proposed to her, she called her parents, her sister, and then me. It was a very friendly conversation. And, though we had a good friendship, we both thought it best that we discontinue our friendship so as not to provoke any problems in their engagement and marriage. I felt completely at ease, knowing that my friend would be taken care of by her new husband.

 

It is my firm belief that neither of us left with any hard feelings -- that from gauging my own feelings, from my assessment of her reactions, and from talking to her sister some time after.

 

It seemed to me (and indeed, it still does seem) that this was the natural way for a relationship to end. This most recent relationship, which has ended with my new ex-girlfriend completely unwilling to communicate with me, I find very difficult to accept. Sure, I have moved on. To be completely honest, her ostensible lack of maturity -- as evidenced by her unwillingness to communicate -- has made it much easier. But, it is somewhat unsettling that she could "flip a switch", so-to-speak, and just discard our feelings so quickly.

 

In all honesty, the first thing I felt after she went "No Contact" was a yearning to mend the situation. But, that faded quickly, once I realized that our relationship was so quickly made devoid of basic communication -- an integral part of a healthy relationship, in my humble opinion. I have heard others say that the "No Contact Rule" is a way to end game-playing. But to me, it seems like itself a game.

 

Can someone please help me by explaining the "No Contact Rule", and/or commenting on my perspective?

 

Thanks!

[lucasky]

So some people do go No Contact to play games, or to make an ex miss them. That's a bit childish in my opinion - hahahah and I even did it in my younger days.

 

In reality though, NC is better used to heal, and eventually, even the game players end up having to use it to heal (they deny the break up and pretend NC will bring their ex back, it doesn't, and then NC is used to move on).

 

Let's assume she's using it properly. That does NOT imply she has flipped any switch mentally. It means she knows that she needs to stop talking because it is toxic to her healing / moving on, and she wants space. You've gotta respect that, man. You can go NC and miss someone horribly, but still know its for the best in the long term.

[lucasky]

And I guess - to explain how NC lets one heal... well.. you stop talking to the person, and eventually you stop thinking about them (why would you... as you aren't being reminded of them any more). Once you stop thinking about them, you can work on yourself. Which means... you win!

[dramallama]

NC is to move on from someone that has ALREADY moved from you. It is to get the old new back, to heal from the end of a relationship which has hurt you, to give you clarity to view the situation objectively, to learn from it, to free up space so that someone new can fill that role, so the old feelings can die down so that you are able to see the potential in new partners... there are so many good points to going NC.

 

NC is NOT used to get an ex back. NC will let your ex learn to live without you and to appreciate you (because, by human nature, you can only truly appreciate something when you don't have it anymore), and if they come back (most don't though), then consider it an unintended side effect. But it is not the main goal

 

You can't kick down from being into a relationship straight into being friends until there has been at least a few years of NC and self-improvement and moving on (dating, relationships) in-between. No matter how "mutual" you say it is, (because only a few of relationship are ever truly mutually ended), there will always be one person with more expectations than the other person. And you cannot be a true friend if you have the expectation to get back together. Could you be truly happy for your ex if they got into a new relationship? If not, then do NOT even think about staying in touch.

 

 

Frankly, my friends and I all regard her unwillingness to communicate as childish. I mentioned the possibility that she was going "No Contact" to my friends, who each have had their fair share of relationships, and none of them had ever heard of such a thing in a relationship between two adults.

But, as I take it, you two are not in a relationship anymore. If she doesn't want to discuss the future of you two, then assume that you've been dumped and that YOU need to go NC to heal yourself. You two are not together, so there is nothing to work on anymore, so no reason for you to be in touch. If SHE does want to be with you, she will let you know. Otherwise assume that it's over for good.

[dramallama]

Also, NC means - no responding to her (UNLESS she SPECIFICALLY tells you that she would like to meet to talk about reconciliation, otherwise you're just wasting your time), no texting, no "accidentally" bumping into her, no turning up at her favourite bar, no driving past her house, no being friends with her on facebook, no checking her facebook, no staring at photos of you two, no writing letters, no passing messages on back and forth between mutual friends, no asking friends for information... and so on.

[OrangeSlice]

I had always thought the no contact rule meant to just never speak to that person at all no matter what, as if they simply do not exist.

[dramallama]

I had always thought the no contact rule meant to just never speak to that person at all no matter what, as if they simply do not exist.

A more fun way to put it is that your mission is to disappear into the mist like a ninja.

[Mustachio]

I agree with what has been said so far, but I wanted to chime in on everyone here calling it a "rule". People throw it around on here because it is a good guideline to help someone heal from the end of a relationship that hurt them badly.

 

There are many times when I see people asking about getting their stuff back, or dealing with financial arrangements related to the breakup. People get so worried about breaking the "NC rule" that they seem to completely miss the point of going NC in the first place.

 

So as was said already. Its a guideline to follow to help one get past the hurt of a relationship ending and adjust to their life without their SO.

[nattpanter]

 

NC is NOT used to get an ex back. NC will let your ex learn to live without you and to appreciate you (because, by human nature, you can only truly appreciate something when you don't have it anymore), and if they come back (most don't though), then consider it an unintended side effect. But it is not the main goal

 

I`d like to know what you statistic material you base this on? Perhaps you should throw in a "in my experience" every now and then. Bc in my own experience all my exes came back after e certain amount of time away. As much as I agree on NC when you have said and done all you can to try and fix a relationship, I think you should also consider that every relationship and break-up is different. NC is a great way to move on, AND it raises the chances of getting your ex back. Hope doesn`t disappear by having a strategy. Hope can only fade with time...

[dramallama]

So do I really need preface my posts with "in my opinion" or "from what I have observed"? I thought it would be quite obvious that it is my opinion since this is a message board...

[nattpanter]

But you say thing as it was the absolute truth. I`ve seen your posts on here, and I think you are a great resource to this forum, however you repeat the same thing to all situations. That to me suggest you really don`t think trough each situation before you give advice... And statements like ("Most dont though) is a very pessimistic view to all this...bc you know that`s something you can`t say as a factual truth. Its almost as if you have experienced something so bad that hurt you so much that you use NC as a defence-strategy, and heaven forbid, I don`t have any hope for reconciliation so noone else should. People do get back together, and people don`t . All my exes came back...not everyone for a relastiionship but some did. Neither of us know for shure if "most don`t though" So let`s not make up something to serve our purpose on helping people out in a tough time in their lives.

[Oneironaut]

natt, it's impossible to gather statistics of how many breakups reconcile, but I think we all know from our personal experiences, and those of our friends, that we -all- have multiple relationships that fail before we find the person we spend the rest of our lives with.

 

I'd even go so far as to say that in the majority of those failed relationships, one wanted the other back; this board is proof that few breakups are mutual. So that means that in most situations, despite the fact that one desperately wanted reconciliation, there was no hope. Therefore, it's sheer logic to surmise that in the majority of cases, there isn't any hope for reconciliation.

 

Your case is extremely rare, i.e., that "all" your exes came back. To be honest, I've never even heard of such a thing. But obviously, those reconciliations went on to fail, too, so some could argue that perhaps, you both should have moved on to find someone you were more compatible with.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a die-hard NC advocate. If I'd gone NC with my boyfriend right after he broke up with me last August, we wouldn't be back together, 3.5 months into a reconciliation that he initiated. However, I hung on because he was showing signs that he still loved me; in cases where the ex has gone into a new relationship, has told the Dumpee outright to leave them alone, is acting mean to the Dumpee, or has obviously moved on emotionally, why should dramallama and others here give them potentially false hope, and encourage them to hang on?

 

From what I've seen in my time on this forum, whether or not the ex comes back, it is best for the Dumpee to start moving on, and healing themselves.

 

If they ex comes back and wants to talk reconciliation, great! But why hold out hope when in most cases, based on the fact that most of us have had multiple relationships that failed, breakups happen because the two people simply aren't compatible?

[Heartbroken30]

I don't think Natt meant they all came back specifically for reconciliation. Let's be honest here...just as reconciliations might be rare, it's also rare for a dumper to make contact after a few months and BEG or ask to get back together right away. They usually make contact to test the waters, because they genuinely care what you are up too or they genuinely want to be friends. I've also had every single ex make contact with me or I made contact with them at some point. I've had one ex I dumped and then months later I sent a text to him and we started chatting casually and then started hanging out again and we both became very attracted to each other again and reconciliation was definitely there and would have happened but neither of us made the first move unfortunately as we were both scared of the outcome. To this day we are friends. I think what most people mean by 'they came back' is that someone eventually made contact and brought them back into their lives...whether to be friends or just to catch up. No dumper will make contact to ask you to come back right off the bat. So I guess dramallama usually never talks to any of her ex's at any point.

[Ms Darcy]

The way I see it, both exes need to be on the same page. If you can contact each other without pain then do it. But if one wants reconciliation where the other doesn't, then it's selfish to expect the other person to stay in contact with you. Why would you want to prolong their pain? Just so you can have someone to call when you feel down and need a boost? I think it takes maturity to know what your needs are and to know you have to stop talking to someone or it will hurt you worse.

[dramallama]

Once again, you can give your advice and I will give mine. You say I'm pessimistic, I say I'm realistic. Most people go through a lot of relationships before settling down with their true love, and even then with the divorce rate at 50%, happily ever after is just a fairy tale. That doesn't mean you can't enjoy relationships while they last, though. But when something breaks down, your best bet is to move on because break-ups happen for a reason. And if your dumper ex wants to come back to you, and you are both in a position to work on the relationship, that's fine. But most dumpers put a lot of thought into breaking up with you, so when it's over, it's over.

[GettingBetter]

The way I see it, both exes need to be on the same page. If you can contact each other without pain then do it. But if one wants reconciliation where the other doesn't, then it's selfish to expect the other person to stay in contact with you. Why would you want to prolong their pain? Just so you can have someone to call when you feel down and need a boost? I think it takes maturity to know what your needs are and to know you have to stop talking to someone or it will hurt you worse.

 

Thanks Ms Darcy! That's probably the most sensible explanation I've heard to date. In my specific case, I've mostly recovered (being able to put things into perspective is my gift), but it would be best for her if I didn't try to reconcile things until a later date. Though she may technically be the dumper, the whole situation was a reaction to an argument I started, so I think it best if I contact her in time. I would like to keep our friendship, if possible. (Objections, anyone?)

 

And thanks everyone else for the replies! This discussion has really helped me to understand. I will say, however, that though improbable, my first relationship did end mutually, and we just tapered off our relationship into a friendship over the course of several months. I realize now this may be a rarity, but it is possible if both individuals are willing and mature enough. Sadly, since it does take both, if only one feels this way then it's not going to happen.

 

Dramallama, if I understand you correctly, then you're saying "No Contact" is appropriate after the dumper has put an appreciable amount of thought into this. So, would you advocate "No Contact" after a spontaneous "blow up" that ends a relationship? Or, only after things are decidedly over?

[dramallama]

I would suggest NC if you have even the tiniest amount of expectation to get back together with her and she was the dumper. Even if you do mutually decide not to be together anymore (doesn't happen often, but occasionally) even then, a good 9 - 12 months of pure NC (not even being facebook friends) is still recommended just so that you have time to reflect on the relationship and find who YOU are again, because it's so easy to lose your identity in a relationship, and to regroup and find out what you need in a partner, so that when you are ready to date, you can do so without your ex being in the back of your mind.

 

Most people, when they are completely over their exes, when that time comes, they don't feel the need to contact their exes again anyway. But if platonic friendship were to come about naturally in the future, and it didn't interfere with dating or moving on, and if your current partner is your priority and you are able to give them your whole heart, then I suppose friendship is ok if that were the case. But to get to that point, at least a year of NC is needed, IMO.

[GettingBetter]

Well, as things stand now, no I would not want to be in a relationship with her anymore. Not since seeing the way she handled this argument. I would only be willing to be in a relationship with her if she verily changed that aspect of her. That is far too much to ask, but if it happens, then I would be willing to give her a chance. I will not bring this up, because it is too much to ask.

 

However, even if that aspect of her were to be changed, the logistic problems we will be facing in a year or so still haven't gone away. Those were key in our breakup to begin with. And, I do believe I have the resolve to keep things strictly platonic -- the real question is, does she?

 

The thing is, we have an awful lot in common. To be honest, I've never known someone I had more in common with. I think an underlying problem in our relationship is that we were too common. It was fun learning that we liked all the same movies and activities. But, it was very difficult to see so many of my character flaws echoed in her. I cannot help but think she felt the same. Especially since we're both very self-critical, and so good at hiding our emotions, and notwithstanding the logistic problems, it seems as if the relationship was simply not meant to be.

 

Nonetheless, as we do like all the same movies and such, I would enjoy talking or spending time together, on occasion. Even if just to discuss a new scientific discovery or recommend a good film. Unfortunately, as similar as we may be, we are not identical, and I don't know whether she would feel the same -- I guess that is what I would like to know. Not now, but eventually.

 

Does that sound reasonable?

[dramallama]

If you're going to make for good platonic friends, you will be able to the friendship on hold for a year or two and then you will be able to go back to being friends. A true friendship will stand the test of time.

 

However, like I said, if you only want to be friends with her, why not take at least 12 months off from being in contact, including on facebook, so that you can find yourself again, figure out what you want in a partner, meet new women and put THEM first without worrying about them feeling threatened by your ex. And then if you really feel that you want to go and be friends with her and it won't interfere with your new life, then you can do so and revisit the idea at that time in the future.

 

What usually happens though, after you'r truly over someone and you've had a lot of time with NC in finding what you want, is that you are too busy spending time with true friends (ones with no messy history) and dating new women, that you feel neither the desire or the need to potentially change your new life that you leave the past in the past.

 

It's up to you what to do, but I would recommend that no matter if the break up is "mutual" or one of you claims that you would like to only be friends (because almost always, no matter what they say, one person will have the expectation of getting back together, which doesn't make for a good friendship). If your ex would like to work on things and reconcile during the time away, then she knows how to find you and then you can decide from there. But going from a relationship back down to friends without a year or few of NC in between is usually wishful thinking and rarely works out without ensuing drama. You can just as easily part on good terms and wish each other well, without making promises to be friends in the future, because you never know how you might feel when the time comes and whether your perspective on the person might change with time away.