The make up of a Reconciliation

[lonely gir6]

I'm just curious...do successful reconciliations only occur between people who have gone NC/LC for a long time and are both fully over the other person? Or is there a chance of reconciliation if one party is still not over their ex?

 

I have been broken up with my ex for 5 months now. We are pretty much NC and he has even left the country to go traveling through Europe for the summer. I have no idea when he will be back, or if he will even come back to NY. I am trying my best to move on, and try to keep myself busy with friends, but I still think about him a lot.... there's at least one thing every day that reminds me of him. When I say it out loud...5 months is a long time, but when I think about it, it still feels like yesterday that we were still together. I don't know if/when I will finally be over him completely, but I'm just wondering if people do get back together when they haven't gotten over the other person completely......

[Sagreras]

If you’re fully over the other person, what’s the incentive to reconcile? Your heart only beats to the syllables of his name, and the memory of their voice is like a thousand violins playing in Heaven. This is the criteria for getting people back together.

[Lavender25]

If you’re fully over the other person, what’s the incentive to reconcile? Your heart only beats to the syllables of his name, and the memory of their voice is like a thousand violins playing in Heaven. This is the criteria for getting people back together.

 

Good point.

[Sim54]

There is a difference between getting over someone, and getting over the break up.

If you get over someone, then you truly have no feelings for them what so ever, so sure, why would you want them?

But getting over the breakup, just means accepting that you are no longer together, and you have broken up. You have successfully detached and separated from them emotionally, whilst still feeling love for them. As such, you can move on with your life, and even love another, but that doesn't mean that you can't reconcile if, when you see each other again, you are still attracted and fond of each other, and have both forgiven the other for their mistakes, etc.

 

Two very different situations.

[professorplum]

Very well explained. That gives clarity to the idea that in effect you are beginning a new relationship with the ex.

[Sim54]

Yes, it still is rare IMO. There are many stories around of successful reconciliations. And they all have a common theme which seems to be an ability to let the past slide, to be able to move on and not get stuck on grudges, etc.

[bfla]

I think another problem is what counts as a "successful" reconciliation around here. Back together til death do them part? For 50 years? 10? 5? 2? Who knows.

[Oneironaut]

Yes, it still is rare IMO. There are many stories around of successful reconciliations. And they all have a common theme which seems to be an ability to let the past slide, to be able to move on and not get stuck on grudges, etc.

 

Agreed. If my boyfriend and I were still dwelling on the past, we'd not be very happy in our reconciliation. It is VERY important to let things go, and literally start anew.

[Confused123123]

So...how long does it usually take to be able to 'get over the break up', so you can start fresh with that one person?

[SethSLC]

Depends on the person and the breakup and the relationship. Months seems to be the right ballpark (1-12) seems about right

[WeightOffChest]

There is a difference between getting over someone, and getting over the break up.

If you get over someone, then you truly have no feelings for them what so ever, so sure, why would you want them?

But getting over the breakup, just means accepting that you are no longer together, and you have broken up. You have successfully detached and separated from them emotionally, whilst still feeling love for them. As such, you can move on with your life, and even love another, but that doesn't mean that you can't reconcile if, when you see each other again, you are still attracted and fond of each other, and have both forgiven the other for their mistakes, etc.

 

Two very different situations.

 

This post should be the goal of this Getting Back Together board. We do NC not to get our exes back, but rather to forgive ourselves and them for the mistakes that lead to the breakup. It's so hard to forgive in this complicated situation. Things are never just cut and dry. Under the cloud of emotions that surrounds us in this uncertain period, you can't make a solid decision without taking time to clear the air. Lose the confusion and accept that it's over. Then, maybe a reconciliation can work itself out in time. Anything else will be forced because not enough time has passed.

 

My ex just contacted me and has a desire to reconcile. However, the pain of the breakup is still fresh, and while it would be immediately gratifying to get back with her, I still haven't forgiven myself and her for the breakup. I don't think I could ever get over her, seeing as we're still on good terms. But that's no reason to sell myself short and treat my feelings second to this relationship. Putting us above myself shows that I haven't learned a lesson from this at all. She wants to get back together because she's scared of losing us forever. Scared of "the one that got away" kind of situation. But I feel that would not be the best way to get back together. We'd have to let go of the past before we could start something new. God, it's so difficult sometimes, but I find comfort in the fact that time will clear the air.

[lonely gir6]

There is a difference between getting over someone, and getting over the break up.

If you get over someone, then you truly have no feelings for them what so ever, so sure, why would you want them?

But getting over the breakup, just means accepting that you are no longer together, and you have broken up. You have successfully detached and separated from them emotionally, whilst still feeling love for them. As such, you can move on with your life, and even love another, but that doesn't mean that you can't reconcile if, when you see each other again, you are still attracted and fond of each other, and have both forgiven the other for their mistakes, etc.

 

Two very different situations.

 

This is a great explanation. I should have been more clear in my original post, but I meant can two people reconcile if one is still not over the break up.

 

My next question would then be how do you know if you are over the break up? We have been broken up for 5 months now, and although I have accepted that we are no longer together, I still think about him a lot. I am trying to move on with my life and to forget about him, but I am finding that almost impossible. How do you know if/when you are over it?

[SethSLC]

This is a great explanation. I should have been more clear in my original post, but I meant can two people reconcile if one is still not over the break up.

 

My next question would then be how do you know if you are over the break up? We have been broken up for 5 months now, and although I have accepted that we are no longer together, I still think about him a lot. I am trying to move on with my life and to forget about him, but I am finding that almost impossible. How do you know if/when you are over it?

 

Yes they can, but that one person that isn't over the breakup should probably be the person that left. If the one who left isn't over the breakup then to me that signifies they believe they made a mistake, which we all do at times, and would like to undo it. The person who got left has to be over the breakup though otherwise you will harbor resentments without being aware of it which will poison the future relationship.

 

You're over it when you are over it. It's like Porn or the Characteristics of Life...when asked to describe it it becomes difficult, but you "know it when you see it". In this case you "know it when you feel it". Chin up though...I don't think there's ever been a person alive in the history of the world that didn't get over a past breakup at some point in their life. You'll get there in your own time.