Attracted to married man at work who is getting an ego boost from my attention

[Brida]

My problem is that I have an inappropriate attraction to someone senior at work who is married & also considerably older. Initially it weirded me out as it happened suddenly and come out of nowhere, we have worked together for a couple years prior so it was odd. I have since realised that I'm looking to escape the problems and sadness in my life; the last 6 months have not been good with deaths and other horrible things happening.

 

Now I'm not sure if he picked up on my vibes first or he was attracted in the first place. The crush began when he touched me (non sexual) so in hindsight it could have been intentional on his part. He told me not long ago that he would want to date me if he were younger and single which I thought was a polite way of saying he wasn't interested but he then followed it up with saying I was a good catch, envied my life and had a minor whinge about his. He certainly flirts with me (mostly non verbal) and is always placing himself where I can see him & flexing his muscles. He definitely likes the attention and I can tell he doesn't want it to go any further so I think we are safe from having an affair thank god.

 

He is 50 years old & has suddenly taken a lot of interest in his personal appearance which means a midlife crisis by my book. I feel like he is playing games with me so his ego can be stroked just a little more... I'm 38 but look about 30 & he has made comments about there being a 20 year age gap, when he knows its only 12.

 

So, I can see where he is coming from and I find it amusing but my problem is that I'm hooked on this crush because it's a distraction from my life. However, I do not want to be stroking his ego either. I've actually become a bit distressed when I thought he would lose interest because it would mean that I would have to face reality rather than having him consume thoughts.

 

We are both using each other I guess & its safe as I believe him to be a decent person who wouldn't take advantage of me.

 

Would anyone care to comment or give advice?

[Ms Darcy]

I think this is a rather sad and pathetic situation for you. I think you need to start building a life with more meaning, doing meaningful activities you enjoy and developing relationships, so you don't feel like you need to fall back on this.

[Gerda]

Hi, Brida. You sound like you have a pretty good grasp on the situation to me, with one exception, that being that you think "it's safe." Recently I experienced an "inappropriate relationship" with somebody online. It started with things like what you describe, and there were plenty of reasons to think, oh, this won't go anywhere. I kept reminding myself of these things as the relationship progressed, thinking, "Oh, it's okay...It's not like we will ever meet. He knows I'm married. And besides, he's probably ugly. Any time I start thinking of him a little too much I can always just remind myself that he's probably hideous. Okay, so he's not ugly...he's probably way too immature for me. He probably doesn't want to meet anyway. Okay, so he does want to meet but he knows it's just talk and I can't ever meet him. And it would probably never happen even if we wanted it to. Even if we did meet, we could totally just meet as friends, it's not like we're going to jump into bed together. It's okay that I am doing this, I am aware of the potential consequences, I've got this under control." Etc. It's kind of like the . And besides, obstacles actually tend to make a person more appealing so don't mistake them for protection. Each time I moved forward with this other guy it became harder and harder for me to get out, it became like that evil spider man suit (Spiderman 3 I think.) But I always thought I had control of the situation until towards the end, and it ended very painfully. I was very caught off guard by the degree to which it negatively impacted my life when we parted.

 

You should stop all the flirtation and get back to acting in a professional way with him. If he asks why your behavior changed, just be honest and tell him you realized it wasn't a good idea. Don't look at him or talk to him any more than necessary, do not encourage him in any way. If he starts flirting with you ask him how his wife is doing, he'll get the picture. Look for men outside of work.

[neocorp]

it seems to me like you lost your interest in guys called "accuries" of you so older guys may sound more interesting and attractive in some way. But the thing is they're NOT. Relationships like those are quite pulling in at first and makes you feel like you've never ever felt with anyone but after a while you or him but especially him realises that you have gaps on it. You could ask me that how would I know...I know because I had the same with a woman. So my point is that this relationship can't survive; especially when you consider that he's married, it gets tougher to deal with...

[kolfan]

The best way to get over him is to avoid him as much as possible and not engage in any personal conversations. Keep all liaisons professional. Do not seek him out or try to dress any differently for him. When home avoid staring at the walls and take part in all activities that will detract the mind.

[browney2]

my problem is that I'm hooked on this crush because it's a distraction from my life..

 

Would anyone care to comment or give advice?

 

That is exactly the problem. You are distracting yourself from your problems instead of working to fix them. When this situation blows up and he has to go away your problems will still be there. My guess is that they are multiplying while you "distract yourself". Your wasting precious hours of your life fantasizing about a man you can't have a positive relationship with. BTW this situation will blow up unless both of you decide to stop using each other simultaneously ... that is as likely as a snowstorm in hell. One of you will feel wounded when the attention stops. Make it be the other dude.

[landsharks33]

Wells said, definitely keep it professional. You don't want to engage in something that could potentially become disastrous, trust me!

 

The best way to get over him is to avoid him as much as possible and not engage in any personal conversations. Keep all liaisons professional. Do not seek him out or try to dress any differently for him. When home avoid staring at the walls and take part in all activities that will detract the mind.