Seeing the Phantom Ex and Forgiveness, Finally

[therebounded]

Approaching a full month of NC. No contact on either side. You would think that this would get easier as the days progress, and the weeks pass, but it really is a roller coaster ride, and you have your share of good days and bad days. Yesterday, was a particularly bad day. I just could not for the life of me get him out of my head. I even admitted at one point that if I could do it over again differently, I would. I would keep reliving fond memories of the both of us, and though I knew in my gut without a doubt that this was the right thing for both of us, I just could NOT stop missing him or thinking about him. I even gave in and started listening to sad songs.

 

I knew I shouldn’t creep his facebook, so in my antsy state, I crept his ex’s facebook instead. His very first girlfriend. The one who cheated on him after a year and a half of being together with one of his friends. The one who I shared certain common physical traits: a small frame, same age, black hair, and a look that one would call cute/innocent (I guess he has a type? That’s what I told myself, anyway.) This was the person that made him guarded, the person who he couldn’t even talk about, the person that in all likelihood he was still in love with. The one for whom I was a rebound, six months after their break up.

 

Her page was super private, one profile picture, her name, that was it. By some stroke of sheer dumb luck however, she hadn’t made any of the videos she had posted private. And there it was, a single video of her with friends. Before she had met him. I had known what she’d look like, but hearing what she sounded like, seeing her in motion, how she was with friends. It had this weird effect on me. Suddenly all the hurt, and anger, and sadness I felt almost entirely evaporated. To be replaced with one thing: pity. She was gorgeous, spunky, clearly popular. If I was a guy, I would’ve fallen for her too. And then I contemplated the hurt I felt over him, increased a hundred fold. Another fifty fold for the cheating and the betrayal. The two months’ worth of memories we had, multiplied to the span of a year.

 

All of a sudden I just felt bad for him. This entire time, I couldn’t find it in myself to forgive him. We both made mistakes, and were selfish. But I couldn’t let it go. The feeling of being “wronged” like I was owed something. And now I can honestly say that I forgive him. Love is messy, and there are no hard and fast rules. I was never in love with him, but the situation truly was beyond my control, no matter how hard I tried. I had walked into something that quite possibly had nothing to even do with me. I don’t doubt that he cared about me when we were together, but I also don’t doubt that he’s still not over her and is still in pieces over it. It may take a while, but it won’t happen with him going from person to person, trying to find her in each of us.

 

Is it normal for me to feel this way?? You would think the video would’ve had me in further anguish, but it was just what I needed.

[thejigsup]

We all have a "type". Not all of my bf's were my "type" but many were. Was he using you to get over her? Maybe. Maybe not. The best thing for you to do is move on. He hasn't from her and that isn't the least bit healthy.

[therebounded]

I guess the entire time I downplayed the whole being cheated on thing, and I thought that the issues were only between me and him. So many red flags, just told me it wasn’t just between me and him. She was there, without being physically present. I couldn’t move on, because I kept picking my role apart, thinking what I could’ve done to make him suddenly ready for a relationship, ready to be be with me FULLY, not just half-heartedly. It’s all so stupid now, to even think I expected that from him. When he’s clearly still not over her. It’s not going to take another person to help you get over anyone. That’s something you have to do on your own, with time to yourself and self-reflection. You’re right. It’s not the least bit healthy. And it’s time for me to accept that this was the likely way it would have played out, and move on.

[Moonchill]

Wow I really, really,really recognize your situation there!

I have been there. I had the exact same situation . The only difference was that it's been a year ago instead of a half for him.

And I have seen her and him together a year ago in a bar before we became an item.

What can I say...

I had this whole reaction typed down but then I accidentally deleted it

 

Anyhow looking back I too saw the red flags. It's always easier to look back and see them, isn't it.

Mine was pretty big ( he had a photo of her hanging on his fridge) but when I saw that back then I thought to myself * hmmm strange ... maybe he's still... nawww he wouldn't be, he seems so in love with me!*

He also had trouble talking about her. I can still see the hidden pain in his eyes...

 

But for you to have this insight is very good and it makes it soo much easier to accept the situation when you know it's not all your fault. In fact it's something you indeed can't change for him.

Sometimes they are just too proud to admit to themselves they are still hurt about the past relationship and have not let go.

 

It took me a lot of time ( while I was in NC) to really accept it and wish him a relationship that fits for him even if it is with that ex.

 

( somehow I think they end up together again, I've got no clue why just a feeling and I don't have the guts to check his fb to see if it's true )

[therebounded]

It’s so uplifting to find someone else who has gone through a similar situation!!

 

My red flag was pretty gigantic too, I admit. He had photos he took of her, still up on his facebook! Pictures of her during trips and outings they went on together. Still tagged, still sitting there on his albums page. Granted, he had deleted her off his facebook, but still, my friends told me to be wary. He even outright told me that he wasn’t “over how the break up happened” and that it was difficult to talk about, and that he couldn’t wait to move abroad by the end of the year (something he was always planning on doing) because there were too many painful memories here. There were so many red flags all over the place, it could’ve been a Spanish football match! But like you, I swept these under the rug, thinking things would sort themselves out in the end if it was “meant to be.”

 

I’m pretty sure he’s onto rebound #2 but I won’t check either!! Whether or not that turns into a meaningful relationship or another misguided fling, who knows. He can’t go back to the ex, cause she’s actually now with the guy she cheated on him with. I’m certain the pain I feel is nowhere near close to the one he’s still recovering from. It would be pretty hard to man up to the fact that six months after, she’s still on his mind, still causing him grief. And that maybe, even after everything, a part of him still wants her back.

[Moonchill]

Your signature says it all

[Gimpyrks]

I went through such a similar situation! Granted he didn't have pictures of his ex, but he bluntly said he wasn't over her, but I stupidly convinced myself that that was okay and that he could still care about me fully. He talked about her all the time and at times I even thought "I'm not going to amount up to her, and I'm not going to be seen as better through his eyes" and I didn't, because he dumped me. I feel very foolish for sticking around but live and learn, live and learn.

[therebounded]

Your signature says it all

 

Distractions can only keep the pain at bay only for so long! Something I've also realized myself.

[therebounded]

I went through such a similar situation! Granted he didn't have pictures of his ex, but he bluntly said he wasn't over her, but I stupidly convinced myself that that was okay and that he could still care about me fully. He talked about her all the time and at times I even thought "I'm not going to amount up to her, and I'm not going to be seen as better through his eyes" and I didn't, because he dumped me. I feel very foolish for sticking around but live and learn, live and learn.

 

Somehow we all convince ourselves. There were many instances where I should’ve bolted, but a part of me just couldn’t give up on our potential. That’s what I learned. Sometimes we allow the potential of any relationship to blind us to the reality of it. I just thought if I tried hard enough, I could reach him behind his walls. I was never really let in, and his heart never really had enough space for me because of her. I stuck around a month too long, hoping things would change.

 

Live and learn.

[Moonchill]

Haha we can almost start a rebound club.

 

"Sometimes we allow the potential of any relationship to blind us to the reality of it"

This is very true. That's why I had a tough time letting go even though the relationship only lasted a couple of months.

It's the potential. The thought that it could have been so much more.. IF...

 

But after a while you learn you lesson and you move on

[Gimpyrks]

Sometimes we have to push aside the "potential" and look at what the relatinoship is NOW. And you are so right, i wasn't willing to give up on him.

[therebounded]

Haha we can almost start a rebound club.

 

"Sometimes we allow the potential of any relationship to blind us to the reality of it"

This is very true. That's why I had a tough time letting go even though the relationship only lasted a couple of months.

It's the potential. The thought that it could have been so much more.. IF...

 

But after a while you learn you lesson and you move on

 

Sometimes we have to push aside the "potential" and look at what the relatinoship is NOW. And you are so right, i wasn't willing to give up on him.

 

Hahaha that made me actually laugh out loud MoonChill!

 

There are just those moments that we do spend with them, when everything’s going great, both of you are enjoying each other, and its memories of those times that hold you back when you’re seriously considering walking, even when things aren’t looking like they’re going to turn out the way you want them to, you think, “But just the other day, we were having so much fun doing this and this…” Then you tell yourself, give it more time. Thing of how things could be if you just hang on longer!!!

 

You’re stuck trying to look at things for how they could be, how they were in the beginning (when things were going great), instead of looking at things in the present. NOW, as you said Gimpyrks. If you’re not happy NOW and if he’s not going to give you what you want NOW, he’s never going to give it to you. Especially if you’ve waited for this long. At least now, we all know when to walk away from something no matter how great the potential. And that in the end, we’ll be okay, it’s not going to be the hardest and most painful thing ever which was what I convinced myself it was going to be.

[Moonchill]

With every relationship or fling I had, I thought the exact same thing when it ended * I'm not going to get past this* And every time you do!

I must confess now I have this feeling that I am not going to find someone else that I will find just as attractive and nice as I found him.

But you know what.. I guess in the future I will surprise myself again with the fact that I will.

[italiannmf24]

It's normal for you to be going through a series of emotions after a break-up. This is just another one of those "unexplained" feelings.

 

It's easier to let go if you cut off all contact of everything he is and ever reminded you of, including his exes.

 

Utilize this time instead of soaking in sorrow over him.

[Gimpyrks]

I've done the same thing in my past two relationships, held on because of "potential" and I really hope this time I learned.