Dating someone who seems to tick all the boxes but no spark

[RM15]

I recently went on a date with a guy who seems to tick all the boxes. We have common interests, he is able to hold an intelligent conversation and debate. There were no awkward silences and we had a good time. He doesnt seem to be a player. But I just didn't feel there was any chemistry. He felt there was and is keen to meet again. I just dont know what to do because only going on one date a lot of people will probably say I haven't given it a chance. But I am of the opinion that you would know straight away whether there was going to be any chemistry - its not something that would take time to develop. I am probably comparing it too much to my previous relationship where the attraction was totally mutual from the start and was very intense.

 

I have a friend who says that when he first met his current girlfriend, it took a few dates for something to finally 'click' between them. He reckons I should give it a shot, as something which develops over time is more meaningful than a quick intense attraction. Any thoughts or advice on this?

[DrKitten]

I'd say give it another date or two. Chemistry can take time to develop for some people.

[mfan]

Agree with DrKitten.

[RM15]

I think what is making me hold back is that he seems totally into me, so if I go out on another date with him I am going to feel almost pressured to feel the same way about him.

[TakingtheBlame]

Are you just not physically attracted to him? In my personal experience, I've usually been able to build chemistry with someone over time, but not if I was completely not attracted to him physically at first.

[RM15]

I wouldnt say I was not physically attracted to him, I was actually pleasantly surprised because he looked more attractive in the flesh than in his photos. I dont usually put looks high on my priority list anyways. I have gone out with guys before that arent that attractive but after a few dates I just clicked with them and to me they were the most attractive people on the planet lol. I think I am probably comparing this too much to my last relationship where it was so intense to start with. Its like thats my basis for comparison now.

 

I have gone out with guys in the past that were less attractive, but that I felt a spark with. It doesnt make sense lol.

[Glowguy]

I have gone out with guys before that arent that attractive but after a few dates I just clicked with them and to me they were the most attractive people on the planet lol.

 

The key word there is few. Maybe you should give it another try. I'm kind of in the same position only I've given it three chances and it hasn't improved much.

[RM15]

Hmmm. I probably should give it a go, we do have very common interests and I do like him as a person. But then how long do you give it before you decide it just aint gonna happen.

 

And because he is very keen, I dont wanna string him along or give him false hope.

[RM15]

The key word there is few. Maybe you should give it another try. I'm kind of in the same position only I've given it three chances and it hasn't improved much.

 

Are you not physically attracted to her then? My male friend who went through the same thing gave it four or five chances I think. And it seemed to just click in the end and now he is very into her. I had a relationship in the past where it seemed like it was coming to the point for me to tell him it just wasnt gonna happen, then something happened, I have no idea what, and something clicked and we went out for a long time.

[Glowguy]

That's part of it. I'd say there is a mild attraction but maybe it's not enough. I also think part of it is that I'm not in a place where I'm open enough to take things to the next level. I'm still trying to figure it out. She seems pretty into me too and I also don't want to lead her on. I'll probably give it another go, and if I still don't feel anything then I'll probably suggest friendship.

[Confused28645]

I have been asked out on a date and I can see myself still wanting to be friends with this guy if it doesnt work out. But I think I am too hung up on my ex so I dont think I should go there.

[bulletproof]

Definitely give it more time. At least a few dates, and put yourself in situations where you're doing a fun activity together instead of something passive like dinner or movies, so you can both be relaxed and let your true selves shine through. I have had situations in which the spark was immediate, and other situations that took months to develop. Neither was more or less valid; it's just different every time. To think that things will happen the same way in life every time is kind of naive, if you think about it.

[hrtlsngl7]

Are you just not physically attracted to him? In my personal experience, I've usually been able to build chemistry with someone over time, but not if I was completely not attracted to him physically at first.

That's kind of what it boils down to. "Chemistry" can come over time.

[BriarRose]

I wouldn't bother, if it were me. And I wouldn't want a man dating me who felt no chemistry with me. Chemistry is either there or it's not. Changing the setting of where you go isn't going to matter.

[Oneironaut]

I think what is making me hold back is that he seems totally into me, so if I go out on another date with him I am going to feel almost pressured to feel the same way about him.

 

I'd say this is a big part of the problem. I've known guys like that, also...and it was a turn-off for me.

 

But then, I'm into aloof bad boys.

[Tanzi]

I wouldnt say I was not physically attracted to him, I was actually pleasantly surprised because he looked more attractive in the flesh than in his photos. I dont usually put looks high on my priority list anyways. I have gone out with guys before that arent that attractive but after a few dates I just clicked with them and to me they were the most attractive people on the planet lol. I think I am probably comparing this too much to my last relationship where it was so intense to start with. Its like thats my basis for comparison now.

 

I have gone out with guys in the past that were less attractive, but that I felt a spark with. It doesnt make sense lol.

 

Well you said it right there .... "after a few days I just clicked" .... so maybe you should give this a litte more time and go on at least one more date with him. It is all about the connection you have with someone and it takes time to build a connection. Sometimes we can tell from the outset that there is potential but not always.

 

And don't put yourself under so much pressure to feel the same as he does. No-one knows how they are going to feel when they finally meet up with someone and they certainly don't know how the other person feels. He will be aware of this. Is goes hand in hand with on-line dating.

[Ms Darcy]

I had a relationship in the past where it seemed like it was coming to the point for me to tell him it just wasnt gonna happen, then something happened, I have no idea what, and something clicked and we went out for a long time.

 

This contradicts your first post. If you don't want to give him a shot then don't. I think attraction has a lot to do with your mindset too. If you think something can develop then it can.

[Tanzi]

I have been asked out on a date and I can see myself still wanting to be friends with this guy if it doesnt work out. But I think I am too hung up on my ex so I dont think I should go there.

 

No, definitely don't go there. You will actually make yourself feel worse. You will be looking at this guy wishing it were your ex there with you and, even though you won't mean to, you will be comparing him (most probably unfavourably) to your ex. All in all it would spell disaster for you.

[90_hour_sleep]

sometimes you just have to trust your intution. that's not always the easiest thing to do though. tough call.

 

would it really hurt to give it another go though? if you're having a hard time getting of that fence...maybe one more date will sort everything out.