There has to be more to this break up?

[bmc2]

My boyfriend and I were together for 5 months. We had been friends about 6 months prior to that.

 

I have battled a sleeping disorder for years. In a previous relationship, my boyfriend would call me names and yell at me because of my sleep disorder.

 

I was on ambien (which can cause some crazy side effects) for a long time.

 

I quit taking the ambien back in March.

 

Last week, I was not sleeping. I was going on 1-2 hours a night and it was killing me and I got desperate so I refilled my ambien and took one last Thursday.

 

Since Ambien causes such crazy (and apparently obvious) side effects my boyfriend was suspicious that I had taken one the next morning.

 

I know, I know, I KNOW I'm horrible...but I lied and told him I didn't. Again, I've learned to keep all of my sleep issues to myself out of fear of ridicule or scolding. I know the lying wasn't right.

 

He confronted me that evening telling me he had gone through my purse while I was asleep, found the ambien, and counted the pills.

 

We, I thought, had talked through it, with me fully taking responsibility and apologizing.

 

We then proceeded to have an amazing weekend together.

 

Last night, out of the blue, he tells me that he can't trust me because I lied about the pill and broke up with me.

 

Is it me, or, does it seems as if there is more to this? Things had been going very well, and he had even talked about marrying me.

 

He's 38, and I'm 29...he made a comment that we're on 2 different pages. We're not...I want the same things he does...

[catfeeder]

This doesn't make sense because if BF didn't know about your sleep issues, what could have prompted him to ask specifically about Ambien?

 

Your first BF sounds like the wrong guy for anyone to trust with anything. Basing your lessons on the behavior of someone who was hostile and critical doesn't make any sense--cruelty should have ruled him out as your BF. Period. You could have been honest, dishonest, whatever--it wouldn't have mattered. When someone is nasty and critical, the only appropriate lesson to learn from them is how to walk away, fast.

 

That said, you were honest with the wrong guy and dishonest with a potential right guy. He couldn't figure out why you were acting strangely based on honesty--you didn't offer him that option. That sounds like a valid dealbreaker.

 

I'd make it a point to be honest with whoever I'd trust enough to date and let the chips fall. I'd also make it a point never to date anyone who's too nasty to trust.

[bmc2]

Thanks for your response. Like I said, we had talked about it for hours after I learned he had went through my purse and counted my pills. I had apologized and I had thought we had talked through it and agreed to work on it. I guess I'm confused as to why he didn't just walk out then...why he waited almost a week to decide he didn't want to work on things.

I guess I have learned my lesson...no matter what the lie, as big of or as not of a big of a deal as it seems to me...don't do it.

[Arsonist]

Sounds like there was more. If he was talking about possibly getting married to you then unless there were other things going on breaking up with you over lying about taking a pill would be nonsense.

[bmc2]

Sounds like there was more. If he was talking about possibly getting married to you then unless there were other things going on breaking up with you over lying about taking a pill would be nonsense.

 

that's exactly what I thought..............

[Arsonist]

that's exactly what I thought..............

 

My cousin was with a girl for awhile and everyone thought they were going to get married FOR SURE. Out of nowhere he see's a girl he used to have a crush on like 6 years ago and ends up breaking up with her just like that. You'd think there's more to the story than just that, previous build up of him wanting to get out of the relationship. You have to understand that when you ask or wonder why people do things there's usually more than what they say. Generally when people give reasons for why they do things (bad things) they say whatever they think is best for that person to hear.

[catfeeder]

Well how badly did you behave while on the drug? If it scared him enough to go through your purse (which is pretty bizarre, and not 'okay') then it gave him a lot to think about. It took him time to decide whether he could stay with someone who could turn on a dime without warning and could also be lying about other things he wasn't willing to discover. He liked you enough for this to be a thinker rather than an instant decision.

 

None of this makes you a horrible person. He has his own private limits--we all do. I've loved a dear friend since my 20's, and most of the time she's the best friend anyone could want. Except when something triggers her--then BAM! The personality change is so drastic and that scares me. I was willing to tolerate that when I was younger. Not any more. A relationship that's a mine field just isn't something I'm willing to keep in my life.

[bmc2]

thank you. I feel like a horrible person and like I blew it I don't think I acted overly bizarre. I just fell asleep immediately (not like me) and it was very difficult to wake me up. He said he didn't care that I took the ambien, but that I didn't come clean with him about it. I understand that but I don't see why we can't work through it...like you said, I guess everyone has their own limits and I hit his

[catfeeder]

thank you. I feel like a horrible person and like I blew it I don't think I acted overly bizarre. I just fell asleep immediately (not like me) and it was very difficult to wake me up. He said he didn't care that I took the ambien, but that I didn't come clean with him about it. I understand that but I don't see why we can't work through it...like you said, I guess everyone has their own limits and I hit his

 

Your story really resonates with me. Yes, you'll hopefully absorb that this is not horrible person material. The problem runs deep because this incident was caused by trying to hide. Sure, you can point to a relationship that prompted that, but that doesn't tell you why you tolerated that relationship--which taps the real 'driver' of the problem, even as it comes out sideways today.

 

Your gut responses to mens' behavior is a sign post. You internalize it rather than view it as speaking of them, not you. You took your cue to 'hide' a pretty benign fact based on the first guy's mistreatment of you. But you weren't mistreated because of sleep problems, you were mistreated because you took up with a guy who mistreats women--which gave you sleep problems. Trying to conform yourself to appease cruelty will screw you up--BEING with cruelty will screw you up.

 

When I used the term 'bizarre' above I was referring to the second guy's run through your purse. Snooping in someone's private things is, under normal circumstances, unacceptable--except when you believe that someone is overdosing and could die. If you were dead-weight and unwakeable, that guy was scared--as demo'd by the 'bizarre' run through your purse. That made this a much bigger deal for him. That's his own internal panic that he's responding to when making such a drastic decision about you. It doesn't mean, "I don't like her anymore," it means, "I can't get past feeling set up for that kind of crisis, and my gut fears there's more where it came from."

 

Only you know whether that could be true, or not. Women who have taken up with abusive men don't tend to walk away from that experience unaffected. Add that to whatever self-esteem problems attracted her to someone cruel in the first place, and THAT may be the core place to address.

 

This issue isn't that there's anything 'wrong' with you. The issue is that you, yourself, don't believe that. Lack of trust in your Self is the driver of all of this, and my heart goes out to you. This doesn't need to be about your ending with this guy--you can turn it into a new beginning for your Self.

[bmc2]

thank you for your insight. What you're saying does make a lot of sense...he made a comment to me before he left that I've been treated horribly in my past...and then he made a comment (kind of out of nowhere) that he felt as though he, too, needed to work on his self esteem. He told me he just 'needed some time.'

 

So I don't know what that means, but you're right in that I do need to work on my self worth.

[bmc2]

And also, he didn't believe I was overdosing or dying. I was a little upset that he went through my purse and counted my pills...I had only taken one. he was just suspicious that I had taken one. I didn't want him to worry but I guess it backfired.