Bad day today. Random thoughts for me to realize how crazy I am tomorrow.

[GrowingIn]

I feel the need to rant. This may make little sense and it will be long.

 

It's been almost 2 months since I got dumped and about 3 weeks of 100% NC for me, with the last conversation being quite definitive and even insulting between us. I come here from time to time and gave others what I believed to be some pretty good advice which makes me feel better. For most days since I went NC, emotionally I have been hanging in there, but not without having my ups and downs. I read my own advice to others and realize how mature and level headed I sound, yet when I look at myself I realize I am so far away from the appearance I put out and I couldn't possibly follow my own advice in the state of mind I am in.

 

Today, all I did was wake up and for some odd reason I feel like crying my heart out. After the break up I realized what I need to be doing, as far as getting my life together which is a complete freaking mess, and have very little going for myself at the moment. Problem is I am moving at the pace of a snail.

 

The hardest part, and the problem I have always had is figuring out my life purpose or figuring out what career path I need to take. I cannot for the life of me decide and here I am pushing 30. Been this way since high school. Dropped out of college for the same reason. Always lose interest in pretty good jobs for the same reasons. So I keep going around in circles. We always give advice on how we need to focus on ourselves after a break up, follow your dreams, follow your career, become self sufficient and independent.

 

That's great and all, but my financial situation after my marriage is ruined including my credit. Lost everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING and forced to move back in with mom, which makes me feel like an 18 year old loser, still partly dependent on his family and that has had a major impact on my ego. And of course I got too comfortable in my situation which certainly was one of the reasons that led to my break up.

 

Trying to make a career change without a degree seems hopeless after 6 months of trying and 50-60 applications I got not one single interview. Of course I apply to one job in my old field, and I get a call and interview and hire the next day....I didn't take the job because I feel the whole reason I didn't continue my old life was because I wanted a change. A change I just can't seem to make.

 

On top of that I don't do anything that I put into my head and that I should be doing on a consistent regular basis. I have the freedom and flexibility in my current part time job to work my own hours and choose the quantity of work, and even though I SHOULD be working my butt off because I desperately need the money, my emotions take over or my mind wonder and I cannot stick to doing it from one day to the next. Of course I feel that if I had her back in my life, in a heartbeat I would automatically become ambitious and start moving doing everything I need to be doing just like that, feeling good, and being excited! WHY THE HELL IS THAT? WHY CAN'T I JUST DO THAT AND BE LIKE THAT NOW? One can't be happy alone, if he can't figure out the thing that is supposed to make him happy and follow in life.

 

One day I do my work. The next day I say screw it and find something else to occupy my mind....like for example coming here. One step forwards, two steps back.

 

And to make things worse, just when I think I am over her, today I have such a * * * * ty day realizing just how hard it is for me to come accross someone I wanna make a go out of it and how badly I miss that connection in my life. Because of my problem with not being able to figure out my life purpose, my only other dream and excitement and ambition came from being in a serious relationship. Having a successful, long-term relationship and building a life with someone WAS/IS my life purpose. I keep looking for a partner to build something with, and so far in my life I only found 2 such people. So I guess I have been looking for a co-dependent relationship, where we complement each other. The last one ditching me two months ago. And today I just realize how hard it is going to be to find someone that I will even attempt this with again.

 

So now I'm supposed to do it on my own I guess. But how the heck is someone supposed to do it on their own WHEN THEY CANNOT FIGURE OUT WHAT THE HECK THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING?

 

What's worse is realizing that because of my financial situation, not that I am emotionally ready, but even if I was, I can't go out there and get the type of woman I am looking for while still being in the rut that I am in. And at the very least, it's going to take me a minimum of 6 months before I can get out of this mess and move back out on my own.

 

Anyway, another reason I am beginning to stress out is because in about a week I am supposed to pay back an obligation to my ex, paying back a debt. And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't curious to know what they are up to. At the same time I would hate to have her ask me what's going on with me, and me have to answer that I am in EXACTLY the same spot I was when she left. The whole idea was for me to pick my self up, get moving, and be in a different place if we ever met again. And the worst part is I'm a guy, I'm older and I can't do this. And she can. It's just eating me up inside.

 

ADVICE PLEASE: I have agreed to make a payment on a particular date, but this month it just so happens my direct deposit falls on a friday, so I won't be able to pay it till the following monday. I am not even sure if I should send a message the day of the deposit letting my ex know that it will be there on monday, or just not do anything, and wait till monday to send the payment and the message.

 

On the one hand, I hate to make it seem like I am trying to start a conversation by giving an early warning...but on the other I would hate it if she texted me first and asked why she didn't receive payment on time.

[Lavender25]

If you can't pay her on time and you know about it now, just tell her. You don't have to make the message open-ended so she can contact you with questions. Just let her know the situation and tell her you'll have it to her on Monday.

[GrowingIn]

Thanks Lavender. I'm leaning that way myself.

 

But come on guys. One reply? Really? Is my situation this bad?

[corgidude]

I think Lavendar has it right... just tell her. It's better for you to break contact to let her know that you can't pay on time vs. her getting pissed and contacting you out of anger. That will only make you feel worse. NC doesn't mean you have to avoid all contact. It means you need to avoid all unnecessary contact. In other words, if it's important (regarding finances, kids, etc) then contacting your ex is a necessity. But don't follow it with anything else, get to business, and be done with it.

 

As far as the rest of your situation... hell man, I can't really give you much on that. In a lot of ways, I'm in the same boat as you. I still try and figure out what the point of anything is anymore. The house I'm trying to buy came from the dream of us continuing our lives together. The job I have now I took so I could have a regular schedule with weekends off so we could have a home life together. Her life is working out, and mine just seems to have stalled. She's admitted to being happier now that we broke up. Effing OUCH. She didn't say it to be mean, but to try and tell me why she's not as interested in getting back together. Still, that freaking hurts to hear.

 

I have my good days, and I have my bad. All I know is that I'm doing at least somewhat better than I was a few weeks ago. I know that NC has been helping, at least I think it has. All I can say is to just keep plugging away, and take it one day at a time. Some days just absolutely SUCK (today was one for me, as well) and others, well, suck less. All I do is try and get through the bad ones so I can have one of the less bad ones. I know in time, I'll be past this. Until that point, I just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

[GrowingIn]

Hey at least be glad you didn't buy it yet. I bought my first house with my ex wife....suffice to say.....I no longer have it. That or my credit. One of the reasons I'm in this financial mess I am in now. The job I got fired from....same thing. I knew from the get go it wasn't the job for me, but I took it when I was married because she wanted to spend more time with me.

 

If you haven't committed my advice is don't buy it if you found it together. Just wait, and after you get your feet back under you, get you something you want, that you pick out for yourself, that works just for you. And if at all possible, quit your job and find something else. In my case, after she left, I was stuck in a job I hated paying the debt we acquired together while she took off to another country and was able to start over....without having to worry about any responsibilities.

 

It was torture.