SURVEY On Dumpers and New Relationship Post BU

[cardinalsings]

These questions are inquiring about how things worked out for Dumpers post BU.

 

1. Do you know of exes (Dumpers only) who began a new, exclusive relationship about a few months after the demise of a long term relationship and that new relationship actually was successful and lasted? And on the other hand, do you know exes (Dumpers only) who got into a serious relationship with someone new a few months after the end of a long term relationship and it was not successful and didn't last? Why?

 

2. Do you know of exes (Dumpers only) who started a new, exclusive, serious relationship with someone close to the ex (friend, co-worker, cousin, etc.) a few months post BU from a long term relationship? How did that relationship work out for them? Successful and lasting or no? Why? Also, do you know if these dumpers had any feelings of guilt or even doubt because they chose a relationship with someone close to the ex? Why?

 

Please share stories and information about yourself if it applies or about these people and why their new-found relationship was successful or not....or if it's your own first-hand experience, that'd be appreciated.

[Case_1983]

I ended my year and a half relationship and started dating someone else who was the complete opposite to my ex, a few days later. Fell madly in love but it appears to be one sided. We are still together but I am constantly being disappointed by my new bf (We have been together 6 months now) I don’t regret breaking up with my bf but I do now see that the COMPLETE opposite to my bf isn’t exactly my type. At the time I just wanted something completely different to my ex because he drove me crazy with his clinginess.

[lucasky]

One of my ex's started dating a coworker about 2 weeks after we broke up. They dated for 2.5 years quite happily. They've since broke up, but he is still madly in love with her.

 

He never felt guilt about it until he got dumped - then he called me to apologize. Otherwise, he had moved on quite happily.

[Edmund Exley]

These questions are inquiring about how things worked out for Dumpers post BU.

 

1. Do you know of exes (Dumpers only) who began a new, exclusive relationship about a few months after the demise of a long term relationship and that new relationship actually was successful and lasted?

 

Yep, Im marrying her in 2 weeks and we are very happy. We started dating before her divorce was final. My ex-wife also married the guy she started dating right after our divorce, and she is very happy also.

 

And on the other hand, do you know exes (Dumpers only) who got into a serious relationship with someone new a few months after the end of a long term relationship and it was not successful and didn't last? Why?

 

Happens all the times. Relationships fail no matter what the circumstances or timing of when the started.

 

2. Do you know of exes (Dumpers only) who started a new, exclusive, serious relationship with someone close to the ex (friend, co-worker, cousin, etc.) a few months post BU from a long term relationship? How did that relationship work out for them? Successful and lasting or no? Why? Also, do you know if these dumpers had any feelings of guilt or even doubt because they chose a relationship with someone close to the ex? Why?

 

Yep, my buddy married another friends ex-gf. They started dating not long after her breakup with the first friend. Married about 10 years, 2 kids, happy as far as I know.

 

Please share stories and information about yourself if it applies or about these people and why their new-found relationship was successful or not....or if it's your own first-hand experience, that'd be appreciated.

 

Generally, people post these threads looking for reasons to hang on to hope when their ex has moved on to another. I'm not sure if thats the case with you, but if thats what you're hoping for, I would recommend that you forget trying to predict what may happen with the ex based on other peoples experiences, and start moving on to your next experience.

[Unknown1607307972]

I broke up with my ex and got with someone else very quickly. I was unhappy in that relationship for a long time and when I spoke about it to my ex he would make promises that he wouldn't keep, so I had slowly been falling out of love for a while and trying to bring back the spark. Anyway the person I started seeing after my ex, I am still with him and it's been over two and a half years and we live together now. We're happy together and things are working nicely. He's different to my ex, more confident, more laid back, his family are much more accepting (a huge problem with my ex was that his family hated me), more social, and I am happier.

 

It's why I don't believe in telling people I know who get dumped and their ex finds someone else that it's just a rebound. I don't like to give people false hope that keeps them clinging on to their ex, it may be a rebound or it may last for the rest of their lives. You can't know what will happen, the best thing a dumpee can do is learn to assume they won't come back and work on moving on. If an ex is going to come back then they will, and if they won't they won't, chasing false hopes will only do harm.

[Fudgie]

Many of these people emotionally "check out" before the actual break up happens. It happens. As long as there is no cheating, it's okay. When a relationship is about to die, people will often start to distance themselves emotionally to help prevent hurt.

 

I don't think everyone who starts a relationship right after ending one is doing a "rebound". Some are, some aren't.

[lucasky]

 

I don't think everyone who starts a relationship right after ending one is doing a "rebound". Some are, some aren't.

 

Totally. That's why this whole "GIGS" thing seems dumb to me. For some people it isn't a rebound, and its not that the grass is greener, its just that they checked out of the first relationship months before the actual break up occurred.

[Fudgie]

Totally. That's why this whole "GIGS" thing seems dumb to me. For some people it isn't a rebound, and its not that the grass is greener, its just that they checked out of the first relationship months before the actual break up occurred.

 

I agree. For me, GIGS isn't when you leave a relationship and go to another, it's that you're in that relationship and constantly falling for EVERYONE else and you're always looking for "what else is out there". That is GIGS. GIGS is not leaving an unhappy relationship and going to someone else and being happy.

 

I left one of my exes and quickly got with someone else. Although that relationship didn't work out, we were together for over a year and I was MUCH happier with him than my ex, who was clingy and possessive.

[Edmund Exley]

Grass is Greener Syndrome - Another ficticious glimmer of hope to hang on to as a reason not give up on an ex. It allows one to rely on the belief that they will see things were better with you and come back.

 

I thought an ex had GIGS in 1993. She still hasnt come back......

[professorplum]

Give it time Edmund anything is possible! There are people on here who have got back together after 30 years plus!

[blackhawks1287]

Many of these people emotionally "check out" before the actual break up happens. It happens. As long as there is no cheating, it's okay. When a relationship is about to die, people will often start to distance themselves emotionally to help prevent hurt.

 

I don't think everyone who starts a relationship right after ending one is doing a "rebound". Some are, some aren't.

 

Well my question to this, not like I care, just a perspective. Is what if they were in fact emotionally cheating while checking out, building up this relationship on the side hanging out, spending time, talking about how things could be better with this other person. Therefore breaking up the current relationship for the other person...even doing it subconsciously.

 

Whether she was unhappy or not, I do not see that as being healthy grounds to found a new relationship IMO, REGARDLESS if it lasts. Principle foundation of a relationship is a extreme importance in my eyes...but every case IS different and I of most people understand that.

[shuttlefish]

GIGS syndrome. The problem is that sometimes the grass IS actually greener.

 

I've been dumped for someone else, they ended up being happily married (and still am years later). It hurt me at the time, sure, but somehow I was vindicated in knowing that those two really are better suited together than we were. I found it in myself to be happy for them and to get some inner peace for myself. Then again, she didn't cheat and she was reasonably gentle and sensitive about the dumping. We are still in touch to this day - not on a daily/weekly basis, but couple time a year we'll phone or email - I am fine with that.

 

Nothing lasts forever, nothing.

[Fudgie]

Well my question to this, not like I care, just a perspective. Is what if they were in fact emotionally cheating while checking out, building up this relationship on the side hanging out, spending time, talking about how things could be better with this other person. Therefore breaking up the current relationship for the other person...even doing it subconsciously.

 

Whether she was unhappy or not, I do not see that as being healthy grounds to found a new relationship IMO, REGARDLESS if it lasts. Principle foundation of a relationship is a extreme importance in my eyes...but every case IS different and I of most people understand that.

 

I don't think it makes much of a difference. I can't speak really because I haven't done this (gotten to know someone and THEN left an ex) but I don't think it affects the foundation of the new relationship too much. You're still talkign with the person, building trust, etc. Not that much different from when you're actually single.

 

Mind you, I think most of this is subconscious. I really do. Ideally, you're right, it would be best for the person to split and THEN meet new people. But it doesn't always work that way. And I don't think it necessarily dooms the new relationship.

[blackhawks1287]

^ I do agree, and I too said subconsciously and granted I never said it would doom the relationship. But when these people know what they are doing consciously behind someones back...whether they are technically falling for someone else subconsciously is still wrong. How do you explain to people how you met and got to know each other?

[TheJerseyKid]

When my 4 year relationship ended 4 years ago, my ex (she was the dumper) waited about 6 months to commit to someone (though trust me she was dating and sleeping around during those 6 months). She just got married to that guy a few months ago.

 

Me personally, I have never ended a relationship to be in another one. I've either been dumped, or the existing one was simply not working and giving me more grief than pleasure.

[90_hour_sleep]

yah!

 

my ex of a couple years back left me after six years...met a guy on vacation while we were still living together. they married last year. believe she's also preggo!! good choice on her behalf though. she left a stagnant relationship for someone much better suited to her. that takes balls! so...i think the reasons are clear. sure...some may conclude that this was a rebound...but does it really matter? she's happy. end of story.

 

close work colleague left his first highschool girlfriend to be with one of her friends. they've been married for 9 years, have two children...and by all accounts have a pretty fulfilling life together. everyone told her that she was just his rebound. they work well together because they're on the same level...emotionally, spiritually, financially, etc. everything clicks.

 

female friend...left her husband after 8 years of marriage...has jumped from relationship to relationship for the past 2 years...each time concluding within weeks that this new guy will be the one for her. personally...i think she's a chronic rebounder. but hey...whatever makes her happy...or not. i don't think she's ever acknowledged her part in her relationships. while i think she was completely justified in leaving her marriage...i don't think she's ever taken the time to really examine why none of her relationships work out. just an opinion though.

 

those are the only three that come to mind. suffice to say...if there was a trend in any of this...rest assured, some guru would've exploited it by now. that guru would have his own talk show, probably slotted in next to dr. phil and rachel ray. he (or she) would be tabloid gold. there would be a whole sub-forum here devoted to just such a thing.. complete with appropriate dogma akin to no contact and whatnot. there's just nothing concrete here. no trends. no evidence. misplaced hope and some very random success stories.

 

the only certainty in terms of people, is uncertainty. there are way too many variables to consider.