Day 27 of NC - Should I respond to ex's mom?

[pisceslover]

My ex and I hit rockbottom. He is seeing someone else. I am slowly healing, committing to NC (finally). Except for reading our last email exchange once or twice (ok maybe three times), and thinking about him on occasion, I have maintained absolute NC. Even when he emailed my daughter to say hi to her a couple of weeks ago, I did not try to get them together as the last time did not go well at all. He was literally running away to get out of my physical presence (he says he's still too attracted to me to be around me). Anyway, his mom contacted me today and basically wants to see my daughter next week. A good excuse just arose, but do I have to respond at all? I don't want to ignore her and appear rude. That was an issue in my relationship - that my ex thought I should spend more time with his family. His mother has been very good to me and my daughter. I don't want to hurt her, but I don't want to get set back by keeping in contact with his family while he and I don't talk at all. It hurts me a lot. It reminds me of all that I have lost - the family I have wanted and wished for that is now gone because he and I are not together. I think I would be setting myself up for pain if I kept in contact, even if only to arrange visits with his mother and my daughter. But then I also feel selfish and weak if I choose not to at least let his mom see my daughter. Any advice on whether to just ignore her? She knows he and I broke up and she knows he and I are not talking (or should) and she knows I have been a mess and am trying to get better. I have not expressly asked her not to contact me because that did not go well the last time I tried to close doors. She was very hurt and I felt really bad. I don't know what to do. I ignore a lot of other people close to me who worry about me. Very dear loving friends. Is it really that bad for me to ignore her when I am pretty certain it will open my deep wounds that I am only beginning to realize need serious attention?

[abitbroken]

How long were you together? If you met when your daughter was 1 and now she's 15, I can see where it might be sensible to allow contact with the mom because she has been like a grandmother to her all those years and its a separate relationship. But if it is not the case, I would tell the mother that you appreciate her kindness even though you and Bobby Joe are no longer. It is important to say that so she knows that its nothing against her. However, you need time to sort things out. It is too painful right now and you don't want to confuse your daughter by making her think that he'll come back or that you and your daughter are part of the family. Ask her to give you a little time - it is too painful to see anyone from his family right now. I would give her the "give me a little time" line because she is not the one who broke up with you and it allows you to gracefully never see her again or to call her again someday if you feel that is best for your daughter.

[DN]

As objectively as you can try to decide what is best for your daughter.

[pisceslover]

We were together since my daughter was 2. She is now 11. His mom had no biological grandchildren during most of this time (and she now has two - both boys - so my daughter is a sort of nonbiological granddaughter and the only one). His mother is my daughter's godmother (formally) and she is basically asking to take my daughter to church and lunch.

[ferna3069]

well it doesnt sound like a bad idea since its been so many years. i feel like she sees her like a grandmother

[abitbroken]

If she is your daughter's godmother, then I would say church and lunch is a fine idea. She promises to be a guide to your daughter no matter about her son's relationship with you. I would consent to allowing the mother to pick your daughter up and return her home so that you don't have to be a part of the visit for now. Or you can meet her at church and part ways for lunch. However, I do think it is wise to talk to her on the phone and discuss parameters. Tell her that you don't want to confuse your daughter about your ex/her son coming back - that the relationship with this woman is just a relationship with this woman.

[Janeiac]

Your daughter should come first. Are there some guidelines spelled out by your church about how to handle this type of thing?

 

It sounds to me that his mother is an important person in your child's life, and that she is being both kind and morally decent by wanting contact, and that being godmother does in fact connect you to the family and she is letting you know that she is honoring the commitment she made, and that you haven't lost the whole family, and that your daughter need not lose another important person.

 

I can appreciate how difficult this must be for you. Knowing you are putting your daughter first will surely make it easier to bear.

[abitbroken]

Your daughter should come first. Are there some guidelines spelled out by your church about how to handle this type of thing?

 

It sounds to me that his mother is an important person in your child's life, and that she is being both kind and morally decent by wanting contact, and that being godmother does in fact connect you to the family and she is letting you know that she is honoring the commitment she made, and that you haven't lost the whole family, and that your daughter need not lose another important person.

 

I can appreciate how difficult this must be for you. Knowing you are putting your daughter first will surely make it easier to bear.

 

I don't see them tied to the whole family...just the one woman. Just like a friend of the family who becomes a godparent. The child need not have any connection to the godparents cousins, uncles, etc. let the child and woman be close or drift apart on their own naturally over the years, I would say. Just don't allow your daughter to spend every day with her.

[pisceslover]

I did decide to let them get together. Her biological father will happen to be in town and he can take her to the church and pick her up. I will not have to be involved. I had my daughter call my ex's mom so I could just stay disconnected. I agree that she is just being kind and honoring her commitment and trying to be there for my daughter. I will let their relationship stay or drift apart on its own and just keep my distance for now. I moved to my current city to be with my ex. He and his family were all I had. Now I have no one. It is tough.

[Janeiac]

I know you must feel very lonely-- but you do have your child, and you have yourself. Find ways to meet new people and make your own life, and rejoice that you have created a loving family, even if right now it's a family of two.

[abitbroken]

I did decide to let them get together. Her biological father will happen to be in town and he can take her to the church and pick her up. I will not have to be involved. I had my daughter call my ex's mom so I could just stay disconnected. I agree that she is just being kind and honoring her commitment and trying to be there for my daughter. I will let their relationship stay or drift apart on its own and just keep my distance for now. I moved to my current city to be with my ex. He and his family were all I had. Now I have no one. It is tough.

 

Find a way to connect with people - it could be going to a local newcomers group, volunteering, joining a meetup group, etc.....not that other people make you whole but it will give you people to meet and things to do. I have moved for a former boyfriend before - i have been in your shoes.

[pisceslover]

Thanks abitbroken. I am trying to sign up for classes and reach out to some people I have met through work. It is hard though because I became depressed after the breakup, fell behind at work and now handle the entire household on my own, so I just don't really have time to go out. In fact, I never have had time, which might have been part of the issue with my relationship. Anyway, I have to try to force myself.