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Boyfriend ALWAYS commenting on other girls' looks...


pseudofemme
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I never thought this sort of thing would bother me, but it's starting to. *Every* time my boyfriend talks about other girls (friends, ex girlfriends, girls he used to like, etc.), he puts in a comment about how good looking they were, or how big their chests were, etc. Some examples just from today:

 

"That girl I went on a few dates with last year, Kristina... she was a REALLY beautiful girl."

 

"There was this girl at Radio Shack yesterday undressing me with her eyes. She was seriously gorgeous. Amazing chest."

 

"The girl from Craigslist selling the bike was so good looking. If I were single I probably would've gone home with her."

 

I'm not an insecure person, and he tells me all the time that he thinks I'm beautiful, treats me amazing and never puts me down, but at least 5 - 10 times a day he mentions how beautiful/pretty/sexy other girls he knows are. I don't care if he thinks that; we're all human -- but why the need to bring it up so often? I would never talk about all the good-looking men I know. Am I over-reacting, or is this a legitimate annoyance?

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I think a lot of men are like that but this guy is too the extreme. I would consider 1-2 times a day already too much. I used to date someone like that but his more came in the line like "oh, who is this girl?" (when we're watching tv or a movie). 4 out of 5 times when we watch tv or a movie, he would comment on some actress and ask me what her name was. One time I just got fed up and told him "I don't check out girls so STOP asking me." You should definitely tell your guy to stop it otherwise it'll drive you to explode.

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Sounds like he's trying to make you feel like your damm lucky to be with him. Telling you that "if he was single he would have gone home with her" is just trying to make you jealous so that you will pipe up and act all needy around him. Don't do it.

 

You SHOULD tell him about all the good-looking guys you could be hooking up with, but then again why bother, I don't think you'll be with this guy for very long............

Edited by avman
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Along with what everyone else has said, I would also take this as a red flag in regards to how he views women in general. ie, he's unable to view a woman casually (in Radio Shack, in a pic on Craig's list, etc) without drawing intense focus on the person's looks. It's usually a sign the person objectifies womens.

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Along with what everyone else has said, I would also take this as a red flag in regards to how he views women in general. ie, he's unable to view a woman casually (in Radio Shack, in a pic on Craig's list, etc) without drawing intense focus on the person's looks. It's usually a sign the person objectifies womens.

 

Absolutely true. He doesn't think of them as an individual with a unique personality but judges them right off the bat by their physical appearance. He can't look at a woman beyond their appearance. Big red flag....

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Ugh...I used to be with a guy who did this to me constantly. I'm medium-boned and have always been curvy, since I hit adult-hood, and this guy was ALWAYS pointing to scrawny, sleazily-dressed women and saying, "Damn, she's hot, why can't you look like that?"

 

Needless to say, I dumped him eventually.

 

Regardless of why he's doing it, please consider the fact that over time, this -will- wear down your self-esteem, and make you feel not only insecure, but suspicious of what he is up to when you're not around.

 

I would have a serious talk with him and explain how uncomfortable this is making you. If he continues to do it, it honestly may be time for drastic measures.

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Thanks for the replies everyone.

 

I'm starting to think he just doesn't realize the things he's saying are rather crass. He doesn't have much relationship experience for someone his age (31), and perhaps thinks it's fine to talk to me the same way he talks to his buddies about women.

 

Today from his work, he texted me:

 

"Reminds me, I got eye f***ed by a hot female neighbor staring through the bushes

this morning. I'm really glad her linebacker looking husband didn't see. I didn't ask for it... just noticed. lol"

 

"Just had another chat with that new client who was totally all over me. Had I not met you, I probably would have took the bait. She's an attractive thin brunette. Always nipping out (not possible to not notice LOL)."

 

The thing is, after he makes the comments about other girls, he usually follows it up with "But you're way hotter, you have nothing to worry about," or something about how he wouldn't be happy dating them because they're ditzy or skanky. He is definitely a one-woman kind of guy and I can't imagine him ever cheating. He gives me tons of compliments and tells me how lucky he is to have found me. The constant commenting about women's looks is just so odd!

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At his age it shouldn't matter how many people he has or has not dated. Unless he is a total moron there are certain etiquette rules in a relationship and he isn't following the one that shows respect for his partner. It's just plain disrespectful and unless you dump him, don't complain anymore about it. People treat you the way you allow them to treat you and right now your his doormat. So until you make some changes and ditch this guy, be prepared to be back on here continuously lamenting over your miserable existence with him.

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OK, here are the comments of his that you have posted so far:

 

 

"That girl I went on a few dates with last year, Kristina... she was a REALLY beautiful girl."

 

"There was this girl at Radio Shack yesterday undressing me with her eyes. She was seriously gorgeous. Amazing chest."

 

"The girl from Craigslist selling the bike was so good looking. If I were single I probably would've gone home with her."

 

"Reminds me, I got eye f***ed by a hot female neighbor staring through the bushes

this morning. I'm really glad her linebacker looking husband didn't see. I didn't ask for it... just noticed. lol"

 

"Just had another chat with that new client who was totally all over me. Had I not met you, I probably would have took the bait. She's an attractive thin brunette. Always nipping out (not possible to not notice LOL)."

 

Honestly...do you not see his rather blatant need for YOU to know how much other women want him, and his insecure attempts to make you feel like he's doing you a favor by being with you, instead of them?

 

Frankly, this would repulse me. What is the point, you know? Why is it SO important to him for you to know how much other women want him?

 

I dunno...this would raise a HUGE red flag, in my book. All the compliments in the world wouldn't matter after that garbage.

 

Again...I suggest you sit down and talk with him about it. Unless you're OK with it...and the fact that you're posting here is a pretty strong indicator that you're not.

 

What is stopping you from telling him to knock it off?

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Honestly...do you not see his rather blatant need for YOU to know how much other women want him, and his insecure attempts to make you feel like he's doing you a favor by being with you, instead of them?

 

Frankly, this would repulse me. What is the point, you know? Why is it SO important to him for you to know how much other women want him?

 

I dunno...this would raise a HUGE red flag, in my book. All the compliments in the world wouldn't matter after that garbage.

 

Again...I suggest you sit down and talk with him about it. Unless you're OK with it...and the fact that you're posting here is a pretty strong indicator that you're not.

 

What is stopping you from telling him to knock it off?

 

Thanks for the no-nonsense advice I think you and a couple other commenters nailed in in saying this is an insecurity issue for him -- he wants to make himself seem more desirable by reminding me other women want him. That really makes sense in the context of our relationship. He thought I was out of his league when he first asked me out and never thought we would get together. I think he has some deeper issues with confidence that are manifesting in this way.

 

When he makes the comments, it doesn't come accross as him implying he's doing me a favor by being with me -- he makes it clear I'm the one he wants and thinks I'm better than the other women he encounters. It's just that he can't ever talk about a female without first mentioning her appearance/attractiveness or the fact that she wants him.

 

Honestly, apart from this one issue he is incredibly respectful of me, treats me better than any of my exes ever did (and they weren't bad dudes), and is very considerate of my feelings. I've been reluctant to bring this up because I don't want to seem like the insecure/jealous girlfriend who complains about stupid stuff. But after reading the comments here, I feel reassured that this is a justified annoyance. Next time he makes a remark, I'll let him know how I feel about it.

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The next time you're out, check out the first good-looking guy you see and be obvious about it. Make sure your BF sees you do it. And then make a comment about how hot you think that guy is. Keep doing it. After a few minutes he should get the picture, and if he gets mad, do it again. Then tell him that it hurts your feelings when he's constantly making sexual comments about other women.

 

If he doesn't get it and isn't willing to respect your feelings at that point, dump him.

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Hi Pseudofemme. It sounds like it time to have a heart-to-heart talk with your man. Have you told him about your discomfort with him making so much to-do about other women? If he is treating you well and all other areas of your relationship are good, this may just be one of his blind-spots. Tell him in no uncertain terms that this habit is creating a lot of discomfort for you. If he genuinely has your best interest at heart and values your relationship, he will stop. Best wishes to you.

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This is not stupid, this is about treating you with -respect-.

 

It's very obvious that he has insecurity issues, but that's his situation to deal with...first and foremost, he needs to understand that the things he is saying are so completely disrespectful that most of us here are just mind-boggled. When a man respects a woman, he doesn't tell her how hot other women are, how much they want him, and how if he wasn't with her he'd be with them...I can't even IMAGINE my father treating my mother that way. He doesn't, because he respects her and their relationship. And you deserve nothing less than being treated with respect, also.

 

Yes, if he thought you were "out of his league", it's obvious he's trying to elevate himself in his own mind and to you, but that's not what is happening...he's making himself look petty, immature, and insecure as all get-out. He needs to understand that you care deeply for him without being reminded of how utterly desirable he is to other women.

 

Please let us know how it goes, because from the sounds of it, it won't be long before he makes another comment like that. Good luck.

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  • 9 years later...
On 6/2/2011 at 4:29 PM, Happy Bunny said:

The next time you're out, check out the first good-looking guy you see and be obvious about it. Make sure your BF sees you do it. And then make a comment about how hot you think that guy is. Keep doing it. After a few minutes he should get the picture, and if he gets mad, do it again. Then tell him that it hurts your feelings when he's constantly making sexual comments about other women.

 

If he doesn't get it and isn't willing to respect your feelings at that point, dump him.

Or even tell him how it’s making you feel then if he don’t change says a lot get rid of him Cos he don’t have any respect and your mental health matters 

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