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It's a strange world but there must be a way


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Went to the gym and met L and L. I am so happy I have those 2 great friends. I do start to worry we all think our expectations are normal because we have same ideas but actually we all are very sensitive, complex and opinionated people. I find them funny. L was sharing his neuroses with me today I laughed so much I banged my head at the wall behind me, I have a lump now..lol But he sounded like Woody Allen, it was too funny. I told him to get a blog and share all that.

 

Reading about the Bauhaus art school was so interesting. How I would have loved to have gone to one of their parties. Or study at the school, an explosion of creativity and innovation. Reading the manifesto was so interesting, no wonder it was the most influential art school of the 20th century. What I also liked was how international it was, it brought together artists from extremely diverse backgrounds with the goal of jointly setting out new paths in art, design and architecture. It incorporated some sort of theatre and music too later I think. The party in February was obligatory and I read that they made a cactus out of cucumbers ! Apparently in the parties Kandinsky used to often dress up as an antenna. Most of the costumes looked incredible..so much creativity.

 

I have had this song in my mind I want to work on and I imagine it as a stream of consciusness, a delirium of some sort. Not sure about the loops I used, as usual I want a bigger industrial sound that I don't know how to create.

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It's been so strange since coming back, I am governed by a feeling of melancholia. All I want to do is stay in bed and watch tv and avoid the world. I hate coming back to a flatshare..everyone polite and detached. Above all I hate the expectations I have.

 

Our lesseon yesterday was very difficult. I want to go back to that classrom where I can be real and discuss all those things on my mind. It was nearly impossible to be light and normal for my date afterwards. I feel so done with it sometimes..I am tired of trying to 'get over' things that bother me, maybe there is something wrong with me after all.

 

I can see so clearly now what the teacher said, that if you want to go into the counseling field you have to put your life on hold for a couple of years. The work is not only academic but very emotional too, I am finding it hard to recover since yesterday. I feel empty and like things are just not gonna be the way I want them to be..it's all work and compromise and it takes the fun out of it. Always trying, always questioning..

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I was considering quiting my counsellor but he lured me in with art and said we can use crayons next time for self expression !! I can draw CE, UP, K9 and EM and show them to him !! CE is the only completed character really..how I'd like to talk about him more. Even here. But if anyone that knows me ever comes on here they will quickly recognise me from that. I think UP is the closest to me and I am certain I have healed some of my own demons through his song.

The counsellor also gave me homework which really works for me. Not sure it's good though because it prolongs me not fully accepting my feelings and always looking for improvement.

 

He also talked about self configuration and I realised that there are some aspects of me I don't reveal as much. My classmate and some other people have said I am much more intelligent than I appear at first. Another part I keep relatively hidden is the sexual me..but that's normal right..? I am scared to express that in general, I don't feel safe. That need for safety and protection comes up a lot inside. But maybe..I can find a way to express it a little more and empower myself that I will not be threatened if I show a bit more of my sexuality.

 

I also want to talk about my characters more but I get hurt if someone doesn't show interest. They are close to my heart and I can't brush it off if someone overlooks them. My colleagues wouldn't so maybe I can start with them. Everyone at work knows CE as they are friends with him on fb so maybe I can talk about the others. This way I can get used to sharing more of the deeper me in a safe environment and then I can venture out and share with strangers too. Because it is not about them, it is about me owning up to who I am.

 

Creativity makes me so happy, I can't wait till the next session where I can show him all of them. I draw them always because I can't draw anything else. I find it comforting CE is always there...I wonder how a drawing would look if he wasn't one it. Shock, just at tthe thought of it !

 

I am really behind with my studies and it's ridiculous how I am always last minute with academic stuff, I'm too arrogant about it.

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I often feel like I am not quite there, present.

 

It is worrying how grounding pain is to me..it feels like home in some twisted way. Quite often I don't want to let anyone in because of it. Because I have found a way that I feel safe and in touch with myself. Spending time with someone means I have to seem a bit lighter, I dunno..I can't be bothered or I don't wanna take the risk.

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This guy calls me 'lovely'. Sweet as it is I'd rather he called me b***h. Next time I see him I have to really take a step back and abandon my need for power and control and open up to a new way of being turned on, if that's possible. Have to be open minded..

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm soooo bored. I have to do something different !!! I miss all those wacky ideas I had, feels like I have become too quiet. IS it feeling resigned or feeling relaxed? Both it seems. I will be done with the course soon and it is so quiet at work god knows what I will do. I was convinced I'd exercise and eat well but I find it difficult. Maybe I can focus on that. I will do some Life Coaching on myself to focus me and achieve goals again. I was thinking of looking into humanitarian work and deciding on something and raising money for it. I could set an account on justdonate and I could somehow organise an event or two to raise money. It is possible if I plan it for next year..

 

Also I need to do some music. I feel frustrated with the lack of my resources but the concert last Sunday was truly inspirational. I picked up a couple of items from the skip today and it made me happy ! If I can find some more materials from aluminium, like plates, trays and put them together I think it will work..where will I find them though..?

 

My dating life remains pitiful though D is pretty smitten. I do feel disappointed at that because he has such a great personality and he is reliable too which is precious after the BU and the last lunatic I dated. But I don't find him sexy or manly and his teeth are awful and I am convinced he is small so he needs a kinder woman, I cannot cope with that.

 

So I am now turning to black guys because they seem a bit more masculine and they seem to like fuller women, I know..I am full of stereotypes but it's what I have noticed, can't deny evidence. I am talking to 3 at the moment, I like the look of all of them for a change, one has a child though.

 

I don't really care, actually I worry that as soon as things get a bit closer I start withdrawing. I worry he's gonna see all my s***, he won't like my body. I realised this last week that is why I need to work on my self esteem.

I think of S so much..anytime I get close to someone I think of him. How bittersweet it all is, how did it turn out like that.

 

It was great going to the swimming pool, it is so great having good weather !

 

I do so much on my own though, I wonder how normal this is.

 

I talked to the counsellor about CE and UP. I felt sad doing so because my relationship with him is a professional one and I prefer to share my super personal things when I know the relationship will have longevity.

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It is SO hot. Other people hate it more than me, I am ok with it as it feels like home. I will probably apply for the job, might put me in a more mature frame of mind.

Really sad and troubled K thought I sounded depressed. There is a feeling of resignation I agree..but I don't feel depressed. Or maybe I am used to this subtle pain. Maybe the fact that I did a synopsis of the last 2 years was what got me down. I do feel a bit tired but I can't think of what would make me excited. When I find something that truly speaks to me and I can't have it, it really gets me down.

 

In my last session the counsellor asked me how I felt about sharing pics of CE and UP last time. I said I was happy but sad too because I am aware that our working relationship will end and he is not my friend. It seems I can talk about my feelings as if it is a cognitive process, a way for me to analyze, understand and move forward. But when it comes to the things I love and define me and are very personal I withold it because I am just thinking of the end of our sessions. I think we are half way through now. There is so much I haven't talked about, partly because I am not sure he is asking the right questions. We talked a bit about G..I still can't believe he is gone. He asked me what would G say to me seeing me upset for his loss. And I remembered his voice, his funny spirit, his troubled mind and all the things that were inspirational about him. He would be proud of what I am doing now but if he wasn't gone maybe I wouldn't even be doing it. Last week I went with a friend to the village and I remembered last time I was there with G and we saw the local theatre production..

 

While I am trying to date I seem to be thinking of S more. I have unblocked him from fb so I am cyberstalking again. What am I looking for god knows. For some gorgeous woman to like all his posts and see he is with her. What would that provide..? I really don't know if I should materialise that song or just keep it for me. Does it help..is it rehashing old pain or is it healing, I am always conflicted about that.

 

Watching that documentary about the doctor in Syria and the charity worker in Kenya propells me to look into humanitarian work even more. We have it so easy here and people still winge about everything. That's the thing people miss in the UK, real understanding of a system that fails you. A life that is raw with both the good and the bad that comes with it. Most people here are sceptical and civilised and life is not like that. Life is both beautiful and evil and full of passion. We always try to balance it and temper it but I wonder how is that living..I hate how indocrinated even I am, to the extend I cannot escape it, none of us can. And when we talk about freedom there are so many parameters to it and I am not sure any of us knows what true freedom is. I am driven to do something meaningful rather than buy my food every day and do my washing. This is a trap too, searching for that higher level of expression and offering, I do feel limited in my resources and always did. But maybe I can do something.

 

Haven't gone to the gym at all, the heat puts me off. Have been smoking on/off too, the sun encourages that. But I try still to eat better and I was thinking of going to the smokefree service, that would be a big turn ! Perhaps I am not addicted like 10-20 a day but I have a weakness. The only thing that saves me is dating someone who doesn't smoke but why is my health dependant on another person? The problem is I don't see it as that bad, that's the problem. But I notice that with food, alcohol and cigarettes I always step the mark a little, I always have a little more than I should. Made me question that when I realised it the other day..My god, I really hope I don't end like a holistic, new age-y, all natural, I don't stay up late type of person, I find them a bit bland..

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Aargh ! Dunno what to think anymore. How gutting is it this dating business..I meet a good guy that is reliable but not sexy and then meet someone hot and he is too free spirited. Why is it so rare for it both to come together?

 

I have never kissed someone on the first date before but I realised quickly I wouldn't have a relationship with him so went with it. My god, the chemistry..I need to find a way to look more in control when it gets physical. This is tricky..shall I see him again and have a bit of fun or just leave it..

 

I had to look at the positive today though, all guys have wanted a second date and most seem very impressed. About 3 so far have told me that I upped the level in what they were looking for and found me very special. I need to write this because I need to work on my self esteem, it's like I have forgotten my value. I have to work on being more confident. I am almost surprised when they compliment me, how crappy is that...and eventhough I like it I also feel awkward. Particularly when they like my music it's like wow, you actually like it, you actually get it? That last guy was so complementary it inspired me again to write music.

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IAG, I have been writing just not as focused as before. I have about 4 songs in the pipeline and find it hard to concentrate on one. I think my focus went on my studies the past months..I do miss the music but if I am honest, I don't have the same urgency as before I know I'll be writing forever though..

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Pretty bored tonight. I am almost done with the application form but have to get more boring stuff done tomorrow, gotta get up early.

 

I'm in paranoia land with this online dating parody. It really is better when I am not interested, now I am obsessing why he didn't text me. We had ONE date ! It puts me off thinking he's dating others or conversing with others and I know this is online dating but it is so against what I prefer..I do wish I was less insecure but I doubt this will ever change. It's not that I think I am totally crap or feel paralysed by insecurity but I just don't care or I am too modest to start thinking great stuff about myself.

 

How AMAZING is the dress I bought today ! I'm gonna wear it on the date and he won't know what hit him, I'll look super sophisticated ! Though for all I know the date might not even be on anymore, then the joke would be on me, but I'll enjoy the dress anyway One of those dresses where I thought 'yes, unique'. And I found it in such a crappy shop. There are jewels in the darkest corners !

 

I also saw lingerie today and I can't wait to have a bf again to go crazy on them. So many of them look great, so lovely.

 

Theatre project is back on and I have to focus my mind to sort out the music.

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Really good date tonight, what a sweet guy. I felt safe with him. That's precious, not boring at all. How he had it all figured out..the google map, the location for my bus..He is a bit chubby but good guy and lovely face. I will see him once more for sure. Very worrying though he hasn't had a long term relationship before..how is this possible?

 

I swear this weather helps to have dates. We were at this pub overlooking the river by the sunset. So beautiful. It would have been so different if it was cold and raining. How I wish it stayed sunny. I sat in the garden today reading my book for an hour and it was so lovely, the sun going in and out, beaming through. The sun reveals nature's colours, all the trees look so beautiful in their natural colour rather than in the dreary shade of the clouds. I have noticed them so much lately, some of them are very light green.

 

Looking forward to my date tomorrow. He said he's gonna tell me about the characters, that he has developed them. Shall I wear the dress or what I wore today which was super cool..hm.

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I can't wait to start working with the young person, she sounds sweet !! I want to help her as much as I can, I feel so moved I will be able to support a young person in their development. I have an intuition something very good will come of this job eventhough it is voluntary.

 

I realised the other day while talking to L that this is probably the first time in my life I have a plan. If I get the full time job I will do the next level on my course for 5 months and the volunteering will be ongoing. After the 5 months when the course finishes I will start saving hopefully and preparing to go abroad for humanitarian work. I will quit the job in August and go and do the work abroad and then come back and study full time in September. Now..I may decide not to continue full time studies in the subject so that might change. But it is good to have a plan.

 

My life has changed so much...actually my life hasn't radically changed as in I am in the same company which is no surprise because it feels like home and friends laughed at me when I say the B feels more like home than where I live. So I am still in the same company and the same house. But my direction has changed and I have too. I feel more mature and relaxed..my clothing style has changed a bit too. My mum was happy to hear me happy I know have 2 extra certificates I didn't have before and I have grown a lot in the last 6 months too.

 

Haven't gone to the gym AT ALL. Why oh why..haven't lost any weight eventhough I have been relatively careful. I guess what do I expect if I drink 3 beers when I go out. I can't see that changing though, that's the problem so will have to eat less food. I do eat big portions just more healthy nowadays.

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I haven't been sleeping well lately. Regardless of what time I sleep I seem to wake up every day around 7-8 and not be able to get back to sleep. I often manage after an hour of thinking and then I get bad dreams. I don't usually have sleeping problems..I do feel very stressed about money. I think there is a good chance getting that job but it won't be for another month. I might rent my room out and go to L's, it is that bad. So much hassle sorting out benefits, so much chasing up. Constantly thinking of what I can afford. I had to cancel the charity direct debit. Walk instead of get the bus, buy the worst quality chicken and eggs out there but I have no option since I try not to eat as much pasta any more. I worry I eat too many eggs.

 

I feel quite self conscious lately. Really want to be thinner now. By 20lbs, not more. People say you look nice, two guys are interested yet I feel fat. I struggle with this, I struggle with having small portions and going to the gym. I can skip the crap but struggle with smaller portions. Salad costs so much more. Such a downer having to wait a few days to buy melon so I get it from the cheap deal stall. And what happened to the gym? Is it the heat? It's the 30 min walk, 1hr walk there and back. I should see this as a good thing but it is extra motivation. I'll ask my colleague to life coach me on this tomorrow.

 

It was great catching up with sweet S today, nice to see N briefly too. My manager seemed very pleased with me today. As I was doing the application I realised some of my achievements...does anyone naturally have high self esteem?

 

I thought today, the worst part of a BU is how your lives separate. And the powerlessness of it all because you can't be friends really but you can't be anything else either. All that connects you is the memories of a shared life. And then nothing. Just elusive memories here and there. I will always miss him a bit I think.

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Woke up early again. Thinking..I am glad I am trying something new with my latest song. I want to do it right. So.. a sexual dance song, fancy that ! Don't know whether to keep my accent or not. Life is definitely better since I express more aspects of me. The course has made me be even more honest and it seems to resonate with people.

 

Mood is good all around when the sun is out! And not long now at all till I see my mum, nephews and sister!!!! I will squeeze them all and kiss them till their eyes pop from the eye sockets!!!! The little one will have grown, I can't wait to see him I wish I could buy them something..maybe I can write the older one the cd I menioned or I can go to the toy store and see if they have something different. They told me they have too many toys but I can't not give the child a toy because of that !

 

I am going to the gig tonight with guy 1. I am not too worried as I have seen the band about 10 times by now and can enjoy them regardless of what's going on around me. What a band...I want their music played at my funeral. I'd also like them at my wedding.

 

I am SO proud of myself sorting out my room! It looks so much better now, can't wait to show it to L. I can't remember last time my bed was free of papers. Maybe that once G slept here. I think the mess on the one side of the bed was making it look less empty. If I managed to paint it too..people have volunteered..I do feel embarassed it feels difficult to me as if I am a bimbo. It can't be true, it must be a limiting belief or maybe I am not naturally interested. But maybe I should set it as a challenge. I do have the time this coming week. I think it might empower me.

 

So, gotta beautify myself before I go to work, shave legs, makeup, hair. I think I might get the job. The interview will be around the 15th they said. I gotta nail it because I need the stability.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Feeling pretty crappy..not much sleep..I don't wanna try, I wanna be alone, that feeling again. I'm too picky I'm sure. But I can't help it, I just can't.

 

I feel happy about that line I said at the interview but apart from that it didn't go as great as I hoped, she said I was good though. It goes to show when you really want something you can't stop yourself from saying it. It was so funny though that I got the interview date wrong and thank god my manager told me it was today. During the interview I couldn't bring myself to say I am focused when I forgot my interview date AND picked up an extra shift on it too !! haha..

 

I really hope to sleep tonight though I can predict the early rise especially after talking to R. What's wrong with me..and why do I always think something is wrong with me? I have planned most of our dates and it puts me off. How do people meet someone they are so excited with at the beginning and can't see faults. I always see faults. In myself too. So..he has planned 1-2 out of 8 dates really. Feeling judgemental tonight.. He sent me to fetch the ball from the neighbour's garden. Forgets things everywhere. Why can't I find a practical AND exciting man?? It's me, it must be me. We do have a good time. But I miss that feeling of protection, it's like I really want it now. I want to be able to tell him a little something and for him to keep it safe and help me say more.

 

I am cyberstalking often and I honestly don't know why..I think R reminds me of S a lot. As FFF also mentioned it's like I am reminded of how it all started. How it all started..in that record store, it was like I knew him forever and so he said too. I still fail to comprehend how separate our lives are.

 

I was talking to the girls today about it and I was surprised at their reactions, I didn't think my relationship was that bad. But it has messed with my mind, I struggle to believe a guy, I don't even think a man is a jerk or he will hurt me, I just can't fully believe what he is saying, with S the data was changing constantly and if I said anything he told me 'that's what I said the other day but now things changed', I had to adjust to that. So when a guy is excited I always thing it will pass, it won't last, he'll change his mind, he's available now but not later when I love him..maybe the right guy will make me feel safer and I won't think that.

 

I wanted to have my solo date tomorrow night, I want to be alone.

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  • 4 weeks later...

So, where to begin..!

 

Pretty gutted I didn't get the job and mega humiliating they gave it to someone that has been there much less than me. My ego was battered and my paranoia soared but maybe this is a subliminal message from the universe that I should be doing something else. I know they will give me some polite, well sandwiched feedback but my instinct says it's because I am foreign and my ways are not totally british. My friends say I am paranoid and that it's possibly because I am studying etc. I should really go and have the feedback talk but I can't be bothered any more. My loyalty to the company is now gone and I don't want to work there now.

 

L made a really good point that this job hasn't helped me much. I have stayed there because of the environment and the people but it has held me back financially big deal. And maturity wise too. Because what stability did I ever have on a zero hour contract? This is why I wanted the full time position. And dammit, I had plans of what I would do with that stability.

 

It's pretty grim looking for work now. Have to get unemployment again and I hate it. I should finish that online course while I am looking for work.

 

My holidays were amazing How beautiful are my nephews, how fun is my mum, how much I love my cousins...And swimming and lazying in the sun..I am at home by the sun and the sea. Here it is now getting colder and yesterday was the usual cloud and rain that I dislike. Yesterday everything bothered me, everything..lol

 

I am stressed about so much, lots of paperwork to do, need to send my course application today. I am sad about R..I don't know what to do. I can't commit but I can't leave either. He reminds me of S. He is better in many ways and maybe life came to test me..will I fall for it again? He says all these nice things but I can't fully believe him. I see what an impact it has on me when a guy is not practical and 'on it'. My sense of safety is out of the window. Even if he's the best guy ever.

 

Reading that article about change really affected me. I do dislike change and it is worrying what we keep doing just because it feels familiar, a pattern we recognise and eventhough frustrates us at least we know how to deal with it. That last date made me think of it even more. He was so different..to some extend I felt silly and immature compared to him but how was he so impressed and wants to meet again? I don't completely get it. Is he really that rich? I am pretty much unemployed now, how could I cope with his life? Maybe it won't even get there, maybe it was good to have a date with someone confident and accomplished (this feels so foreign..)

 

Thinking back though, on the majority of guys I have dated that feel intimidated by me or inadequate..I think this says a lot about my choices. I don't believe I can find that special full combo of love so I compromise and date guys that are behind regarding life experience/life-self awareness. Inevitably they feel inadequate and I feel alone and frustrated. I don't want to date anyone who is above me in any way, it scares me..the power or impact they may have on me.

 

My last counselling session has definitely made me think. About claiming what I want. Maybe the fact he is a man plays a part in this. I just think his approach doesn't work for me but don't know how to phrase it nicely. And from my end what I did wrong is not ask for what I want because I felt I wasn't entitled to it since it was low cost counselling. We have talked about lots of things but nothing in depth. That could be me avoiding it or him not focusing me. Is he meant to focus me..?

 

I do dislike laid backness, it makes me feel unsafe. I don't like people that are slower than me, I find it hard to trust them. And although that sounds harsh in reality all exchanges between people are very much like business partnerships, you gravitate towards the ones that either strike a chord with your interestes or ones that will help you progress or at least allow you to enjoy where you are.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Another turn. Pretty tired to make sense of it all today. I'm happy I signed up for the weight loss challenge. Need to apply for that job today though my heart is not totally in it. Not feeling that competent. But all my friends say I put myself down so maybe I am better than I think. I worry about my standards. I worry my studies make it harder for me sometimes. I want a job where I can actively help people and be hands on.

 

Changes in the house too, 2 new flatmates. The guy seems like an interesting addition, part of me feels my social circle might open up. If I get a new job too, who knows who I will be spending my time with 2 months from now. People, jobs, hobbies, flatshares..they change quickly in a big city, everything seems transient. I do like it..otherwise I'd be in a smaller place. But sometimes when I look at pictures from back home, particularly of pictures of the sea..then something hurts a little.

 

It has saddened me not being back at my old job, it did feel like home to me. But reality is I can go back if I really want to. I can go back to R too I guess. I am just trying to do something different. Just for once..do something different. Be brave. I miss L now he's in a LTR. I am happy for him but I do miss spending more time, being cynical about the world, having a few drinks..kinda more lonely now.

 

I will try and concentrate on my course and my weight loss program and be focused. Get some more structure/discipline going. That seminar will help I think.

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I applied for the job and I am glad I did. It is actually tricky changing sectors. I see 2 ways around this. Either I will do what I know in that sector (customer service) and get my foot in the door like that or I will start in a very low position but in that job I want. I prefer the second but even for that low position they need some sort of experience. That trainingship is idealL and I am gonna give it my absolute all to get it. I do wish it was in an area closer to my compassion (children, young people, women, refugees) but even where it is is fine. Maybe advocacy is actually a good path for me. I have this deep yearning to sort out the injustice that goes on in this world and if I can do my small share then I guess that's something. Although I'd like to have lots of power, resources and funds to really make a difference.

 

L told me yesterday I should be proud of it..that many people say they want to help and make a difference but few go ahead and do it. I don't really get it because when I volunteer I am around volunteers and in my course everyone is caring so I don't see it as something special. The other day he helped me refresh my cv and I put down my volunteering and he told me I should look at this and give myself credit. I don't know what to think..I am happy I have done the volunteering I have but I'd feel arrogant being proud about it. It's like a clash of humility and arrogance if you big yourself up for doing voluntary work.

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Thanks IAG. The 2 jobs I have applied for so far are within my experience. There is a paid internship in advocacy within a charity organisation that I have my eyes on, it'd be good to go that direction, a low position but where I want to be.

 

I am very confused about it. Maybe it's normal to doubt myself at a time of change. But I feel the stress because I can't get it wrong. Time is going by and I need to build something stable soon. I get overwhelmed too easily. I question myself

 

'Do I really want to do that?'

'Do I just like the idea of it?'

'Wouldn't I get bored of that?'

'Would I make any money?'

 

I miss my mum a lot the past days. I called her last night and told her. I also told her about how I feel regarding my age and the huge possibility of not having a family. I asked her to not mention it for a while even jokingly, that I am very sad about the way things have panned out. She said she wants me to be happy above all and to have companionship and not be alone. I thought how I have let her down..poor woman, she gave all she had for me to get educated. I know for a fact moving abroad has set me back financially and professionally but it has opened my mind in ways it would have never happened had I stayed back home. It has also stopped me from being more focused because in a foreign country you can be a stranger amongst strangers, noone knows what you're doing and noone judges. Back home I would have taken a different path possibly. I'd have someone on my back saying 'what are you doing?'. My mum's, sister's, aunt's friends and my friends would know someone that knows someone that needs a person for a job. Here there's no network. I could have built a bigger one if I was into networking and being mega social but back home that network comes automatically.

 

So yeah...I feel like I have let her down with this family thing and I told her so. She said 'if it happens, it happens' but the sadness from both of us was evident even in the silence. I wish I was a normal daughter for her. I wish I could offer all the things my sister offers. And I have kinda been in this pity hole for about a week because not working is sooooo bad for me. Things finishing with R affected me too. Which I knew it would. His last email made me very sad and I do miss him. At the moment I feel somewhat imprisoned because of the lack of money, not being able to go out and watch something, I think twice about getting the bus to save on cash, being on a diet, not having a sexy guy telling me nice things..my idea of fun is restricted. L told me the other day 'things will get better' and for the first time I said 'they won't. they are always back to this'. I was shocked by my negative thinking. But right now all I seem to be able to feel is disappointment. I think the instability is just getting to me now making me tired.

Edited by quirky
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That job suddenly doesn't seem so interesting any more. Lots of paperwork and admin crap which I hate. Aaargh..I don't know. Don't know what to do with this. But I feel better which helps. I'm such a drama queen, I get down for 5 days for obvious reasons and I act like it's the end of the world. Need to start the online course. But jobwise it's looking a bit grim, can't believe they didn't contact me from the other places..I want a job where I am dealing with people for sure.

 

Healthy eating is going ok so far though very new to me. I'm paro about it and I worry that if I chill that I will not take it as seriously. That class was good though, I'll go back for that. I have to keep visualising wearing those 2 lovely skirts that don't fit me any more. Or remind myself how I feel at the thought of a guy taking all my clothes off. Omg, I panic just thinking about it, I think even at a size 8 I'd feel uncomfortable with that. I wouldn't wanna be size 8, I would like to be 12 I think.

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Aaaargh!! How I hate him today. I am over him so why does his passage through my life haunt me?? Am I still looking for him, am I? I was so glad 2 days ago I was fine. On his b'day. And I was with R, who would have guessed. But I wasn't sad about it at all. I sent him a happy b'day text and he said it made him very happy. Why? I don't get it. I hated those last messages, the comfort from his part. How does he feel the comfort to joke around like that? I wanna tell him I don't want that comfort but I am only gonna look difficult and 'why are you so serious?'. Because you friggin pissed me off that's why.

 

It's been so hard dating wise after him. I find myself petrified of a possible BU. But also after spending time with R it is starting to feel familiar and cosy and I yearn for that. I want it more once I have it. When I didn't I was cool, got used to just myself. I am sure that is also because L is not so available.

 

What am I doing with R again..ugh. I can cope with everything, all his insecurities but the scattiness drives me crazy. It's like everything is great and then he does this subtle random thing that doesn't make sense and I am put off. And I feel like I am a bad woman. Why doesn't he go and get it checked?!

 

Am I trying to save people, am I..? I don't understand fully. I am drawn to all things odd and out of the ordinary, that's why I buy the squashed tins in the supermarket and the funny shaped vegetables, cos noone will buy them. They are unanimous objects for heavens sake !! And I buy them because I don't see them as damaged as such, just different.. but I will buy what others won't because it will be binned otherwise when the content is fine. I'll never forget when I went to buy a cushion for my room and my eye lands on this odd shaped one with the weird cover. I could see it wasn't popular and wanted to get it because noone would. And I stopped myself and said 'I must buy a more regular looking one'. The one I bought wasn't the standard square cushion shape but was more ordinary.

 

So why...why this affinity for what is a bit 'wrong'? I believe I do this because that is what I want from others, to rescue me and offer me love. Maybe I do it because then I have a sense of control..? I also do this because visually I like unorthodox things, random interferences, surreal imagery and out of proportion shapes. But there is a need to rescue and I have a feeling it will help me untangle it and let it go.

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  • 2 weeks later...

My head was so fuzzy this morning. The panic overtook any logical thinking. I can't deal with this lack of money any more. And instead of making a decent plan to make this work for me I want to cave in and go and just do A job so I can have some money again. This morning was awful..one unexpected bill and everything spirals out of control. Realistically I should only spend money on food and save the rest for my bills. If I wasn't on the diet it'd be cheaper, I could eat potatoes and beans all the time. Fruit and veg cost more. How ironic...4 mars bars are £1 and a punnet of blueberries is £2.50.

 

Multi tasking and forward planning are probably my weakest skills. I don't think I can obtain them at all. Times like this I hate my brain. The despair came from feeling I am not in control. Rational thinking would have it..' what actions can I take to be more in control?' But at that point I am blind and deaf and numb, I just can't think ! It's truly ironic how I want to get into a profession where I get others to focus themselves o_O

 

So what is my present situation?

 

I want to move into a different sector. I have no direct experience in the kind of work I want to do. I have experience in working with people though. I am getting slowly qualified but I am not there yet.

 

I can

 

- volunteer in an organisation I want to work for and gain some experience that way. Possibly a job at the end of it. In order to do that I need to get the unemployment office off my back. I don't want to lie about things..

 

- work any job to get money and see if I can volunteer 1 evening a week just so I can put something on my CV. 1 evening is tricky as many charities need someone during the day.. or maybe I am wrong. I won't get as involved with just 1 evening.

 

- I can keep applying till I get an entry job in that field.

 

- Keep looking for work in that field while finishing my course, my online course and practice my LC on more people so I gain experience in that and perhaps start charging after 3 months. In the meantime have absolutely no social life.

 

I HAVE TO

 

- write a new CV highlighting skills I have gained from my latest studies

- research more into job titles and what they entail

- volunteer with an organisation

 

Will do the new CV on Thursday.

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More references associated with the targeted career path are always invaluable.

Doesn't matter if they are volunteer or not.

In theory an employer seeing all these references to volunteer work should make them at least consider you if the work is closely related to the job description.

Also some employers get all snobby towards someone who has not stayed in the workforce long term.

 

It is ridiculous to see healthy foods being more expensive than these processed foods.

I'm currently bulking up which is not easy with my body type or with my previous eating habits.

Going from three meals a day to five or six is an effort at the moment.

On the plus side I was a very active person in the past so I have a reasonable starting point.

 

In time we will succeed.

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