Jump to content

Open Club  ·  25 members  ·  Free

Journals

It's a strange world but there must be a way


Recommended Posts

I feel a bit strange the past days, mostly lonely. I don't know why. While I was still pining over S I wasn't looking for anything and now there is this emptiness inside. Going to the gym, getting unemployment...I feel inadequate in both those environments. I feel bad about my looks and don't want to put myself out there at all. I also feel embarassed and restricted about my money situation.

 

I know my choice has been the right one, I can't believe I got the job. It's unpaid but still..a job in something other than customer service. I felt overwhelemed and scared of the new territory and that's why I cried. I can't believe I got it considering I have no experience, I can't believe I have the chance to do something so rewarding.

 

I weigh myself obsessively. It reminds me of being 16 again, when I was overweight and hated myself. I also need to stop drinking as much when I go out. I don't know why 1-2 drinks is not enough. I either want to get drunk or nothing.

 

I used to drink less when I was with S. And I remember I'd tell him I won't be able to have sex if I drink cos I don't feel much and ask him if he still wants us to have a drink and he'd be up for it and we'd drink and talk and talk and be happy like that..I do miss him, this whole thing is so strange..there's nothing left..what is left, just the memories? And the lessons I guess.

 

I am letting go of my past in so many ways that I don't know what lies ahead and maybe that's why I feel alone.

 

I am making healthier choices foodwise and exercising

I am changing direction of work

I have really let go of my past relationship

 

These things defined my identity and now..it all feels new. So many people I have met in the new courses. My mum and my friends are so happy for me. But there's no guarantee, I am so worried I will have to do another customer service job.

 

Quite sad tonight.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 438
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

I texted S and it just turned out a bit weird. I don't know why he is so bitter..well I do.. because he hasn't taken responsibility for it. After feeling blamed for things I didn't do I bite back and told him what I thought. I know I wasn't as loving but I'm sick of it, he's angry about a situation he brought on to himself ! ! He gets angry if I'm happy ? He wanted nothing to do with my happiness ! So immature, it's all about him. He has no idea how much I suffered. And if he still loves me at all, why doesn't he say so? Why say one good thing and then 3 subtle digs? It's like he doesn't know me any more, neither cares enough. I don't completely recognise him..

Link to post
Share on other sites

That was a weird turn of events and I wonder if it's gonna lead to anything. Me and him had a lot of false starts, I wonder if he meant what he said or he was just drunk. Lots of sex though, I know he definitely fancies me. I do too..but I wonder if there's enough there. He's not deep enough it seems.. or self aware. He's not emotional and I do like emotional guys. I worry he is just physically attracted to me and that's it.

 

Couldn't help but think of S. Not sleeping with anyone was still that thing keeping me connected to him in some twisted way. It's crap to compare. We did resolve it in the end. I must not interpret his anger as anything else, it's crucial not to have hope. I found myself daydreaming we had a date in a roller disco.

 

The money situation is only gonna get worse and I feel pretty stressed over it already. Wish I could be working enough to support my bills and do my courses, it'd be great. This system serves either the completely poor or the utterly rich.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Familiarity is such a cosy feeling. I miss it.

 

In the last session I talked about my home country, don't know why he asked..he asked about my identity and leaving it behind, what does living in the UK mean for me, how do I feel about it. I talked about the conflict within, a certain disconnect at times and how I try to be my own home because my sense of home is fragmented. I wish it was relevant to one place, I am jealous of the people that visualise a place when they think 'home'.

 

I could write pages and pages on what it means to be foreign. I am somewhat foreign in both places now. And I dislike any distance it creates between me and my family. I often wonder how it ended up like this and I often blame myself for depriving me a family, seeing my nephew grow up, be close to a child, to older people..here everyone is in a similar situation and similar age.

 

Then he asked me about family, my family back home, what do I think about forming my own. It's sad really..that it turned out like this. Because I am playful and loving and enthusiastic and maybe I'd make a good mum. But there's a fogginess surrounding this subject..I am not at all clear about it and I think I am too emotional to have those normal things.

 

Emotional..probably my biggest downfall. The thing I worry will turn a man off. It seems very difficult to click with someone now. Part of me has become very stubborn and unwilling to compromise any more. Enough of it. I prefer to be alone. I hate 'sorry' texts. Had too many of them, just don't mess up in the first place man..I don't want the sorry's..cos then I turn into someone I don't wanna be. If you can't do it just go to someone simpler.

 

I am trying to stick to healthy eating and I have done well overall. I do drink but I doubt I can cut that out. But now it's 0:30 and I am hungry but will not eat. It's been a while since I made a proper effort. When I hear my flatmate saying she has a belly I just get so pissed off. She must think I am obese then. How can people think that when they are normal weight? I never understood that.

 

I am not sure we can cover much in my 12 sessions and I find myself not relaxing 100% because of it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You are a fascinating woman. I really like popping in and reading your journal. I hope you know that you always have a bud here, and if you ever decide to come to this part of the world, I'd be honoured to take you out for a drink or two...or a smoothie...depending where you are at. lol.

 

Home is tricky thing, trickier for some people than others. Your latest post really made me think.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Aw, dudette...you're so nice, in a cool way too. I love reading your journal too. I would love us to meet one day, how great would that be ! Maybe when I make some good money and I can travel a little.

 

I have thought a few times of starting a thread about being foreign, I'm sure I will one day soon.

 

But yes..home..it always perplexes me. I always wonder why I left. I know what I didn't like and I initially came here for studies. I was also running away from my demons and feelings of rejection. I wanted something bigger, different and I guess I wanted to explore..

 

These needs have been satisfied and keep getting satisfied but there's always a price. I feel that I went 5 steps backwards workwise. Eventhough my English is good it wasn't like this when I first moved plus I was young and I had no idea about how things work here. Then you hear the comments that the foreigners take someone's job, or 'stupid foreigners', or that foreigners commit crimes..and eventhough I am not that foreigner I still am from another country and these comments affected me a bit. It made me feel inferior to them, it still does to some extend. I try to shift the feeling that they're doing me a favour allowing me to be here or giving me a job eventhough I come from another European country and it's 100% legal and acceptable for me to be here. I could think that I pay my taxes here and support the economy by living and spending but I still feel they have the right to say get out of here..which is sad.

 

Most times my colleagues forget I am not British. And it's flattering. That's when I think it's all in my head. But then when I am with L and we speak to another British person they will always look and speak to L first.

 

People say home is where the heart is. By that term even 'heart' which equals to love..I have love for many things and people. If I was to sum it up my heart is back in my homecountry and my mind is here in the UK. But still, it's not that simple. Because when I was back home for 2 years I missed so much from here. The pubs, the architecture, the diversity, the variety in Arts, people, cuisines.

 

The common perception is that foreigners came to another country for a better life. In my case it was for a different life. I had a good life and a financially comfortable background. My family has inheritance and connections. Had I stayed there my life would have been more conventional and I would be better professionally and posiibly with a family too. Instead I wanted the adventure, I wanted to make it on my own, I wanted to explore but above all I wanted to be free. I wouldn't be so free back home and that's why I left.

 

 

[video=youtube;owQOxJeupt8] ]

Link to post
Share on other sites

I keep thinking about that guy. A part of me thinks we could be happy together but only if we both really let go. Which is unlikely. Another part of me is just concerned as to why I don't find someone to love me. The ones I like they seem to evoke a feeling of 'being uncared for' in me..so I end up abandoning the idea of them. This guy, all he says is I'm pretty and stunning. I wish he said something like 'you're so interesting, you're smart, I wanna get to know you..' something more than I am pretty. He likes my music which is a great plus. But considering we had so much sex and spend the day together..I'd appreciate something like 'I had a good time' or 'look forward to seeing you again'. The longer he takes the more I close off..and get angry with him too.

 

I thought about this yesterday. Eventhough I am not depressive and eventhough I am enthusiastic and excitable..life feels difficult for me. I don't know exactly why..is it because I am weak? I don't feel weak. The counsellor asked me how do I view myself? And I said the same way I view life, with all it's contradictions. I am very sensitive to what I see around me, both the good and the bad.

 

I have started taking pictures of cranes and I really enjoy it. Sometimes they disappear behind a building before I get a chance.

 

I have my lesson tonight and I need to be equiped with patience and focus.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I feel so tired today. Sleepy and emotional. I miss my mum, I miss S and just anything that ever provided a sense of comfort. I find it near to impossible to get a hold of my life the past 2 weeks. L tells me it's not multitasking, it's doing one thing at a time but for me it still feels like 20 things in the air swaying at my direction. I am terrible at planning and thinking ahead. I feel so useless. My morals and ideas and my obsession with those and my individuality are getting in the way of me leading a more normal life.

 

I thought I was on a path of self love yet I am actually entertaining the thought of that guy. Everyone tells me it's bad news. Why can't I just stay away, why can't I just be sensible?? And if I can't be sensible then why can't I at least be crazy, put it on full blast and enjoy it. Always somewhere in between, f***ing hate that, neither here or there, always f***ing in between and always lacking definition.

 

It was a while since I'd been stressed and it was not nice to be revisited by that feeling. What am I gonna do, I'm so worried...what am I gonna do with my bills, with work, with the volunteering, with those 2 guys..mostly stressed about my bills. I need to make a list and get a hold of myself, do things on time so they don't pile up. I don't know what to do first, just when I do one thing I have to do another. This is probably common and I am sure I sound like a child. But it is actually very hard for me. I am best with simple straight forward tasks. I forgot my fish in the oven overnight. I haven't cleaned my room in at least 2 weeks.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I notice life so much.

 

I took a great picture of a crane today. Then I danced on the bus while on my seat and this lady kept looking at me..I love how free I feel, I would never want to be reserved and paranoid of other people. I don't really need my personal space like others because I have nothing to guard. I need my time though.

 

I noticed the other day the airplane crossing the sky. Then the bushes, I LOVE THE BUSHES ! ! ! Always put my hands there Then a child, a dog, the friendly bus driver, my colleagues that have missed me. And the trees...look at them every day. How is life if you don't observe..I can't imagine. Sometimes when people ask me 'what have you been up to' I have to take a moment and think of what I have been ACTUALLY up to and what has taken place only in my mind. I often find myself laughing for no reason or smiling at whatever, which makes me so happy. I do worry someone will notice like she did today and she told me, 'why are you laughing let me in' ! ! And I don't know why I am laughing sometimes or it doesn't translate well, or it's only funny to me ! And I wish I could let her in but it doesn't make sense even to me hahahahahahahaa ! !

Link to post
Share on other sites

My training today was so interesting, definitely feel more comfortable in that area. Also, it's Earth Hour today ! Noone cares but it gets me excited because there is a sense of unity about that initiative. I don't know how people give so little thought to our planet yet so much thought to their own problems. The planet is everyone's home, so many fail to comprehend that. It's not this abstract thing somewhere in the universe it's where we live in ! ! We and all other living organisms. I might switch everything off and just read a book, though I don't know if I can switch off the heater..Apart from that I can't stand this cold, it's ridiculous. G mentioned a drink tonight but I doubt I will go, I wanna stay in the warmth.

 

I am so impatient to finish my song, today may be the day ! !

Link to post
Share on other sites

I need to hold back contact with S. Need to remember what happened. It's so easy to talk to him because of how much we have in common but the other night didn't help. Please remember he never tried again for reconciliation. Even if he's angry, even if he says good things about me that doesn't mean he loves me differently. L said he does it to assuage his conscience. Please remember that.

 

I might need to stop writing here.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think the more I get into that counselling, life coaching, NLP stuff the harder it is to communicate with the majority of people. Having that awareness of what an equal conversation is, what 'listening' is, talking about feelings openly..it is hard to keep it at bay and act normal. I hope I make some new friends in that field. Communication with these people seems to be easier and more real.

 

Bit sad today..I saw a post a friend's boyfriend put of fb and it was so moving, proclaiming his love for her in public. It was nice to see, made me tear up. As I was watching the auction programme too the other night and there was a couple buying a house saying we plan to live here for at least 10 years, we will need the children's room etc and I felt like they were speaking another language. I have no idea what that feels like. I have never loved someone that much. It must be a great feeling. I wish I can love a guy the same way I love my friends and family.

 

In the last counselling session we talked about my sexuality. That's an elusive topic..I have never thought about the details of it but the same theme arises there too of me being scared that I am too much and too intense. I have no idea how to shift that fear because I believe it to be true.

 

When I was at work yesterday it felt really nice. I feel more at home there than at the house. At work they know me, care for me and I feel appreciated. At home..I could die tomorrow and only R would be a bit upset. It's a bit of a shame considering I've been here over 2 years..but maybe some people just don't bond. I find certain things so rude yet they don't so what can you do about that.. nothing.

 

I do hope I get a job in the festival this summer, I'll rent my room out and go do it. Nothing is holding me back now and I always wanted to go to E.

 

I am going to withold contact with S for a while. I went through all our messages from over a year ago and there is just something there, something subtle that indicates how the focus is on his feelings. He's never said he loves me after the BU. Neither have I admittedly but I have been more warm. He could suggest we meet up, he could say he misses me. He doesn't do that. Please remember that, he doesn't want anything more. I fear this is holding me back somehow. I know I don't want NC again I just need that distance and a frequent reminder to myself.

 

My choice of guys after S though truly surprises me. I know that in the end I don't date a jerk but I am concerned about my standards. It's like I am governed by a very subtle sense of futility about relationships. I just don't believe in love like I did. There is a part of me that just doesn't want to join that ride again.

 

I have slacked a bit with the healthy eating and exercise and I need to keep doing it no matter what. Remember the goal.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Today's lesson was much more rewarding. I got a bit of a confidence boost after the training in the other role and that helped with the lesson tonight. I made a conscious decision to be more involved. I cought up with homework and that diminished the stress. I also realised today that the others are struggling too, everyone struggles just in different ways. I always assume everyone else is better yet I am also arrogant at the same time, what the hell..Or I think that yeah, maybe they struggle but they have a SO to comfort them and tell them they are beautiful which helps tons no matter how independent you are.

 

We did an exercise that I found very difficult. The teacher asked us to go back to our Child self and write down what she would say and what would she advise my Adult self. At once I wanted to cry but I knew the place wasn't called for that so I tried to concentrate on the lighter side of the task. The child self said 'The grown ups are fake and boring and noone wants to play as long as I want. You should be funny and stay at the sea for longer'.

 

Why did it upset me so much thinking of the child self? I did a similar exercise before and I cried a lot. Does this mean I still feel like a child..? Anything the child advised me I still believe it to this day. That is what makes me happy, fun, humour, being genuine and the sea. Close relationships too. I felt sad because I remember how much I wanted to be an adult and make my own decisions. They were the ones in control, making the decisions and they thought they knew what I wanted or what would work for me but I felt they were wrong. There was something about their interactions that didn't feel genuine to me..it's like they were trying to impress one another. Their humour was really basic too, I hardly ever got it. I remember vividly crying sometimes for no reason or getting angry when I had to do things for them and anticipating to become 18 so noone tells me what to do.

 

I would never want to return to my childhood ever again, it would be my idea of hell. I was conforming because I had no choice but as soon as I was in a position to have a choice I was able to be me. The child me was also very sad and trapped because I felt powerless to make the changes I wanted in this world. My opinion wasn't being heard and I didn't have my own money to give it where I wanted. When I saw the Greenpeace fundraisers on the street yesterday I was so happy to say 'I already support you guys!' And how they responded, it was so nice.

 

I know adopting a Panda means I pay for wwf's admin stuff but I don't mind that. Because I know they are doing something. I do wish I had more money to give.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The day started out crap. But I got distracted at work. The film I watched wasn't good, but glad I went.

 

So..it's Easter weekend. L is going to her bf's mother and L is here. I had hopes but they are demolished as always. I can't see how it's my 'issue to get over' the fact that I like to do things with my friends. The fact that I actually want to do more than catching up for a coffee, the fact that appreciate this city and try and go to things. Yeah, that's a big problem..

 

It truly sucks being a foreigner in key dates like Easter, Xmas, New Year. Everyone goes back to their families. I was really homesick today.

 

I went to this website for expats living abroad and some of the things mentioned there..I could go straight into that feeling, that smell, that mood. I cried.. I have a vase of sand and pebbels from the seaside back home. We can post pics in that website of things we keep close to remind us of home and maybe I can post that. I remember when I came back I used to have a seashell in my pocket for a few months to keep me close to my heart. I thought of how it would be great to get a job I can do in both places, I really missed my nephew and my mum today..but the actual country itself too. Maybe it's that shop I went to and got my happy bread from. It smelled exactly like home.

 

I felt rejected again today. I keep thinking something is wrong with me for not having someone to love me. I started blaming myself again that my standards are high or strange that all this is happening because I am just too complicated and why can't I just be more easy going etc. How I wish I could see and focus on my good parts..

Link to post
Share on other sites

Most girls don't swear much. I think I swear more in English than in my mother tongue. I love guys that swear a bit, it's so hot.

 

Work was cool, it's great A is coming out tomorrow too. Having a coffee with M was nice too, he is very smart and passionate and funny. I do feel comfortable with him. I love the compliments he gives me, how he calls me Princess, always makes me smile

 

Compliance was a crap film, I didn't enjoy it. It was disturbing but managable. I was confused by that scene where he is spanking her because it made me think of that guy and how good the sex is. Where is he..why is he not pursuing ? ?..ugh, anyway.

 

My hair was so nice today and my makeup looked really good. I look forward to going to the funfair tomorrow or Sunday !!!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Another interesting turn of events..wonder where it's gonna go. I was gutted to have contact from S tonight, just before I go on a date. I hate it, how much it still affects me. I ignored a couple of messages but I just couldn't ignore anymore. It's the way he does it..I don't know whether to tell him how this doesn't help me. He said he'll watch Mighty Aphrodity and call me..I can't do this, that's what we were doing in the relationship. I watched the film he suggested last night and I was thinking of him throughout..what's wrong with me.

 

It sets me back when we have so much in common, I always compare other guys to him. Sometimes it's because I see better traits in others. I can assume he just wants that bit of contact because we've known each other for so long and have lots to talk about, I guess it's comforting for him to know I'm here. And G doesn't seem to understand that I am transcending myself too. He thinks it's only him with the ex issues. I look like I've got my s**t together that's why he doesn't get it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Really troubled today..

 

It feels so much easier in my cocoon. Going to counselling, doing my courses, focusing on the gym and self improvements. Everything is disrupted when a man enters the equasion. Am I really demanding or that messed up ? After doing these courses my standards of communication have risen and I notice self centered interractions so much more. How can one not be curious? Why am I so curious ? Why is it so difficult to accept others ways somethines..

 

I wonder if I will ever be happy for a prolonged period of time. It's both comical and tragic.

 

A's comment stayed with me, I really need to find a way to perform my music.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I must be in the strangest situation ever with this guy. I met up with him tonight to tell him it's over and he convinced me not to and we ended up kissing. I was feeling somewhat happy I would be officially single again, having control over my life and then this. How the hell does this happen. I hated him at the beginning of the meeting and then I ended up kissing him. He's hot. Aaaaaargh, what am I doing ??

 

The counselling session today was difficult. He made a good point about me blaming myself for things..maybe it's one way of taking responsibility, a way of contolling things. I told him about my curiosity and his respones made me understand that it's not a bad thing, I'm not 'too much' for being so curious.

 

Really happy I re-recorded the vocals to my song.

 

Late night again..

Link to post
Share on other sites

I feel very strange today. Maybe it's the dream I had.

In transition again..floating..not here. Like life is passing me by, all that's happened brings me here.. today.

As I was waiting for the bus I had that feeling again where I am out of my body looking at the surroundings, wondering..what is this? What am I doing in this city, how did I end up here..

There's so much to see, to feel, to think and do. I feel so far away from it all today..

Link to post
Share on other sites

Still feeling that detachment..it's calmness and emptiness at the same time. My 'not caring' attitude has been back and it is hard to shift because it is easy and convenient to be this way. Skipping the gym, buying cigarettes, having a few drinks. Argh..too easy and satisfying. It is so relaxing not to think about cooking and taking it to work or plan meals. I am getting addicted to my happy bread. It is so tasty..makes me so happy, all my childhood memories in that round bread..a little piece of home here.

 

I have missed my mum a lot, about 5 weeks left still. And a new member in the family, I can't believe it. My aim is to get into a good place professionaly so I can spend more time back home. It breaks my heart when I hear my sister ask my nephew 'where does auntie Quirky live?' and he says 'in the UK'. So sad..

 

After watching that opera the other night I feel inspired to listen and write music. That piece that L played me..wow, need to buy it. I have the ability to do so much more with my music, doon't quite know how to summon the people though. So I do it alone..kinda always do it alone. Even being foreign carries that feeling of isolation inside and maybe I am somehow comfortable in it..I guess one can be comfortable in a feeling of pain.

 

I am not sure about how my counselling sessions are progressing. I think he's recently qualified. My last session was frustrating. I had decided to talk to him about S considering it was session 6. I was upset..and I want to discover what it is about that relationship that haunts me still. He was somewhat interrupting and then while I was upset..maybe a minute later he asked me what makes me excited..and then about my childhood. Too many topics at once. I wasn't able to express myself fully and if I can't do this there.. then where can I? L told me I need to tell that to the counsellor and although I understand and agree, I would like it SO much if I didn't have to explain what I need and he could just guide things, take the lead. THAT would allow me to relax. I'm tired of explaining..

 

I have lots more on my mind, something feels different inside..probably for the best. I can't tell if it's acceptance or resignation.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The other day on the bus was a great moment. My eyes were tired and worn out from crying that morning, my whole body had that sense of surrennder and nonchalance. The sun was shining and it gave me that bittersweet feeling of life, travelling through it. The warm light was beaming through the bus window and I was listening to this great track by Iggy Azalea..I felt so relaxed and peaceful. Everything came together in that moment. My pain, the bad ass song and a certain hope..I don't know what for. Also appreciation. For developing the way I have been. For going to work in such a great environment, for feeling the sun on my face after so long, for having found great sex even if I won't have a relationship with the guy and for discovering that song. Because something about it makes me feel strong, she's cool and it reminds me what it's like to feel cool. Cool is a trait mostly associated with men and I like to see cool women, brings me closer to a certain freedom.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Once S told me I am dangerous and have the devil in me. I found it funny and took it as a compliment because I don't believe you go too far in life by just being good. I do feel like a reformed bad girl in some ways. But not too bad I guess.

 

I thought of him at some point today..or actually the memory of him. How we've drifted and how I really know we'll never be together again. How things change. My decision to not speak to him was the right one though I detest even the possibility that he looks less concerned than me. I do still occasionally yearn for revenge but mainly because this situation made me feel like a crazy woman and I want some proof it wasn't me. This is ridiculous of course because he cannot define how sane or good I was. But I really hope he struggles with the next woman, I really hope one day he says 'you know what, it was me, you were great and I haven't found anyone better'. This is unlikely to happen because many women will fall for him and I am sure someone will be happy enough to take over for him. My ego is still problematic I guess.

 

I realise how great the sex is with G compared to anything I had before. I am SO gutted the other areas are messy. I worry about getting attached..I am already starting to excuse and accept things. I can't control myself like I used to because I have lost my mind with the sex. All I want is to see him again and jump on him. Gawd..what am I gonna do. I lose focus.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sometimes lately I feel like there is a fog around me.. or cotton wool, that's how it feels. A soft guard all around me. I am there but not quite. I am thinking too much..observing, analysing, deconstructing, trying to make sense of people even more than before. Maybe it's the studies.

 

It is so hard for me to accept certain opinions and attitudes. I do judge and I also look down on people. It is very hard to change that because I believe in the reasons of it so much. But it's trapping me because my expectations are not met. It is so hard to see someone not care about something that I am passionate about. How do people not care? How. I think I need to do some music to get some energy back.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

I don't know what drove me to cyberstalk. The resentment came back..been dreaming of him and remembering the pain I have felt, feeling fooled and like I didn't matter. I hate knowing he fancies and sleeps with other women. I hate him. I hope so much for some sort of justice but I know it's not going to come to me. Because he did what was right for him and to a large extend I am angry at myself. How I wish I knew better. And since him, everything regarding men has been questionable. The guys I have been physically close to since were all unstable.

 

Today at my session I talked about all that and I wonder if I want to be with anyone. Quite often I feel like it's work while I am in it and pain when I am out of it. I am sure there are good guys out there but I struggle to believe in it all. A classmate asked me 'so let's say you meet that guy, how do you see it in 5 years time?'. My mind was blank. I don't see anything. I can't think of being with someone for that long.

 

Why do I give a chance to someone I am not particularly interested in? Why don't I find anyone attractive? Why do I fall for weird behaviour? I feel relaxed when someone is a bit weird..

 

I don't feel good today.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Quite low this morning. I am so angry at the jerk, why do I mess my head with stupid men, why did I even bother. I was stupid enough to care about hurting him but he doesn't really give a toss anyway. I looked like a crazy woman because I feel invalidated. And he didn't even text me afterwards, what a d*ck. God do I want to take revenge somehow but it's not gonna happen. I can't believe his line of thinking, a victimised behaviour so he never needs to take responsibility for anything, no real respect or compassion for my feelings just worrying about getting his own way with minimum effort. Instead of him thinking 'Hold on..this woman wanted a relationship with me, then went to FWB and now doesn't even want to see me..what is it that makes her withdraw like that?' he thinks I want him to prove himself to me. This situation of my logic being challenged is SO similar to S, it's not even funny..I need to step away. I wasn't even gonna mention anything I just felt weird when he started the I missed you crap and wanted to meet etc. I know he put a bit more effort this past week but still it's nothing extraordinary and I am pretty affected by what has happened up until now.

 

On another note I had a good date with D. I do wish he looked better and I don't know how much I can fancy him but I felt relaxed straight away and the whole day was good. I love how he is political about things and he is smart. His teeth are pretty bad and he does look weird. He did like an awkward geek at times. But I liked his reaction when I mentioned exploring a more raw and aggressive side to my singing. I will definitely see him again. R wants to meet again and so does L. Not sure. Veganism, yoga, meditation..all that stuff is off putting to me. I let them know that apart from drugs I lead a bit of a rock 'n roll kinda lifestyle and I don't particularly want to change it. It's truly much harder than I expected.

 

Will push myself to go to the gym today.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...