It's a strange world but there must be a way

[In the Dark]

It's due to a well established metal band.

Due to them, the chance for support of up coming metal bands increased as there will always be decent venues being arranged and recording support for metal artists are made much more available.

We do have other young bands about although do not get the support which are still not a far cry from metal being screamo.

So it's pretty much exclusive as to who gets the support and who doesn't based on genre.

 

Maybe due to having these crazy people around him for the most part while living in his head has caused him to be the way he is?

I don't know, you would know him quite well with his mannerisms due to how long you have known him so it may just be who he is rather than outside influences.

 

I tend to try to reach out to people as well although there are moments where reaching out ends up being a sudden dead end without a reason which ends up with me retreating back into my own little World.

I believe my desire to talk to people is rather strong so I end up just putting myself through the wringer time and time again.

 

I can not say I have ever seen someone laugh and cry due to being upset.

Closest I have been to doing so is watching Hostel in the movies as I tend to laugh when things are a bit too scary for my liking.

 

I haven't written lyrics in such a long time.

Just recording and expressing emotion through sound.

I guess I feel I have never been terribly creative with lyrics but I'm intending to change that, since I now have a vocal mic attache to my main computer at all times.

 

Every time I have been in a relationship I have felt that I had needed to adjust again to loving myself.

I think it's a normal thing?

 

Oh dear....no more tossed salad and scrambled eggs.

[quirky]

May I just take the opportunity and say how much I hate my ex right now. I can't really do it in real life because I'll come accross as a bitter b***h. I. despise.him. I cannot believe he is out there enjoying himself, I am sure he's loving his pressure free life. See, I often felt like a burden..like an obstacle getting in his way of doing all his drawing. Of asking him to save money to go on holidays. It's like I can't see his good qualities at the moment. I absolutely hate his guts. For the 26 page commitment letter, for believing that this is actually going somewhere. For the many times I felt invalidated because he's poor, impractical, unready, stressed. And how he thinks that he didn't really do anything wrong. He doesn't GET it. I wish SO much that he struggles with everything and particularly with meeting someone. I need some JUSTICE, other women to notice the things I did so I don't feel crazy. Because that is how his behaviour made me feel..like I am crazy. I feel totaly demoralised and I hate the fact it hurts so much. I want him out of my mind like yesterday. I don't want any feelings, any memories, nothing. I don't know how he finds it in his heart to be like this.

 

This is brought on more because I went out yesterday close to where he works. And looking at his facebook. I hate to think he's checking other women out, and I am sure he does. Or even doing online dating. It just feels so unfair on me this whole thing..which is why I hope he pays for it.

[quirky]

One problem I have is that I hate wasting tiime. It bugs me to an unhealthy level. Today the sun is shining and I am angry for not being happy. I mean how does this help? I am very aware as to how precious life is, how many beautiful things there are out there that when I am not ok I hate it cos I'm missing out. I even think 'great, another hour went by that will never come back and I was down'. I wonder why I think this way.

[quirky]

I was sorting out my payslips and paperwork and came accross my ex's cards, Valentines day, Christmas, Easter..While I read them for a minute I was transported back to that feeling where everything was still normal. I can not yet quite fathom how one can go from those words to today's facts. But I am slowly getting over it. I still have great anger, it may take a while for that to go. I wasn't a doormat and I need to remind myself that I also wasn't sure about him towards the end. It just feels so unfair.

 

It is so awfull constantly thinking of how my ex is/will be happier than me. WHY do I think that? This and my resentment are my biggest challenges to overcome regarding the relationship. It is really sad how much happier it would make me knowing that my ex struggles. I guess it would provide that validation I desperately need. What also helps is when I get a chance to tell others how it was and they understand that it was difficult and that it wasn't my fault. When others can help me realise that I wasn't crazy. I also want to try and remind myself that I never had trust issues with bf's before, that noone really took advantage of me, that I am not a weak woman.

 

I am not one to say I deserve better etc but in this occasion I know that with my spirit, my sense of wonder about the world, my heart and my mind I don't deserve this. And I want to believe that better things are to come, that maybe he has set me free to find a better path. There is a huge fear that it won't happen but I guess the more I actively try and let go the bigger my chances.

 

I had a meeting with a CBT councellor today and we will do some supervised self help CBT until I get bereavement councelling. Like 20min a week. I plan to do whatever she advises me to do because I want to be a free woman.

 

It's strange that my ex thinks he did all he could. How in his mind he got depressed, needed space and I didn't give it to him. He comes accross ok nowadays without the stress of the relationship and has completely forgotten about the ADHD. It's kinda sad how the ignorant cruise through life...

 

I also told the CBT trainer that I want to go back to my goals, that this has been directly linked to my friend's demise and how since then everything feels futile. That I want to write music again, dream and have that spring on my step.

 

So I need to set some goals slowly but surely. It is great having someone to help me, even 20 min a week for 3-4 weeks.

 

I still cry every day.

[In the Dark]

I think for the most part, this is the way partners are seen when relationships when they end and you are 100% certain the break up was their choice by becoming someone else who now just doesn't care.

 

My ex was very similar.

When we first met, she made me a very beautiful painting and now still beautiful, the center piece is now empty.

Hard to explain clearly as I do not like talking about the painting in full detail.

I could recite words from her poetry when ti was appropriate to use in everyday conversation with her.

 

She was the first partner I ever wrote a song for with what she placed in my heart rather than what caused me pain.

 

I think I cried so much at the start that o could not cry anymore.

 

It will take time for the tears to stop coming and who knows how long.

It's so hard top gauge and I believe it is never relevant to the duration of the relationship.

But relevant to how much you actually loved the person or rather who they were.

 

Kind of like mourning death.

 

Because you know that person you see is no longer the person they were to you in the beginning.

Someone totally different.

[quirky]

In the Dark- I think that for whatever reason at some point they just give up. Surely they can't change that much and go from lovely to awful. That's how it seems to the one on the receiving end, it is just the rejection that hurts. For his standards my ex did all he could. It's not his fault I could do more.

 

I lately feel that I didn't love him with all I have. I think I can love more. I couldn't fully love him 100% because of how he was. I did feel pushed to pull the plug but it was my decision too. If he is enjoying himself there is nothing I can do about it. All I can do is look after myself and become as free as I can. If I feel devalued again all I can do is feel strong again.

I have thought if I put up with too much but it's only the way and timing of when he took space that makes me think that. He pursued me a lot when we got back together and I thought that we were giving this a super proper go.

 

Anyway...

 

We're having a memorial service for my friend this weekend and I look forward to seeing his friends again.

[quirky]

I have been feeling a little better. The memorial service was helpful in the sense that I met up with my friend's friends and had a chance to share. It was great being with other girls from my home country, very relaxing to talk. But something did set me back a little. During the weekend my ex bombarded me with calls and texts and I had vowed to stay NC with him. But when he started contacting my best friend I decided to speak to him. It was so sad. He was crying for like 2 hours. He seems to have understood my point of view. He said he didn't even feel we'd split up. That he has no idea how he let this go, that he can't cope with too many pressures at once and just overall is a mess. That looking back on our year together that most of it was amazing, that there were no big issues. I said it's ok if he gets down or stressed but it's not ok if he turns on me as if I am the enemy.

It set me back because I then wanted to spend time with him. I didn't say that of course, I said the complete opposite that I am not interested and want to move on. I really felt sorry for him, he said he will get help. He did say he felt I am more advanced than him and I guess that's a bad thing to feel. I didn't think that when he was confident. But yes, I am definitely more sensible than him. I really think of him much more now..crap.

 

What has helped me is seeing the CBT trainer. I have seen her twice and that is all I needed, someone to help me a bit kick start things because naturally I am pretty enthusiastic. I was very upset on our first meeting and talking to her helped. We have very short sessions, 30 min and they are guided self help. We wrote down my goals and put them in lists of 'very difficult' 'medium difficult' and 'easy' and the idea is to incorporate them in my life bit by bit. I did 3 hours of music today and that is great! I also researched on small business startups the other day and that was very inspirational. It is great that I feel a little more enthusiastic again, my body is not so heavy and I even danced a bit the other day.

 

I have a semi date tonight and one on Monday. I look forward to seeing the guy tonight, we worked together a bit but then he left. He's definitely strange but very genuine and above all I'd like to have him as a friend/acquaintance. I haven't seen him since a year ago so I look forward to it.

I have today and tomorrow off and it is sooo nice. I was watching Frasier on youtube last night, great fun. I sometimes jolt down some of his lines because he is so funny.

[Saffron_]

Isn't it strange how just when you start to feel a bit better, the ex starts bombarding you with calls. How long had you been NC with him up until that point Quirky?

[quirky]

You know..it wasn't too long, just 20 days. He always gets in touch, it's really hard to ignore him (I guess I am not that strong). I could do it if it was 1 text but 5 texts, 4 missed calls and 2 voicemails? My heart just breaks He said to me all he wants is a human response and I guess I understand that, NC is very cruel. It really is strange, indeed, like they smell it or something.

 

Hope you're well Saffron

 

For what it's worth the date tonight was really nice though I doubt anything will come of it and I am cool with that. The guy is 3 years younger and very busy with professional stuff and not thinking of settling down yet. He is quirky and diferent and a bit awkward and stressy but very generous and genuine and active, I really liked him as a person. I am just happy I had a good night, don't really care if it goes further.

[quirky]

I had a very insecure day at work yesterday. I felt very 'foreign'. It started with training a new girl and I probably come accross too serious or patronising because I explain things a lot. Later in the day I said a joke that I got weird looks. Then I had to do this Data Protection training and I seriously couldn't understand a word of that jargon. I took so long and failed it a couple of times but then passed it in the end. I didn't say to a manager that I failed it I just retook it. One of the colleagues was like 'Oh, don't bother reading everything, most of it is common sense'. People just DON'T understand that I am not British. Just because I look confident doesn't mean I am, I hate it when I feel that disconnect and humour is a big part of it. I am so funny in my mother toungue! I feel that they are missing a part of me, that I am judged, categorised but not for who I 100% am but for my foreign identity.

 

I felt paranoid and I hate feeling paranoid, reminds me of being 20. I hate having low self esteem days because the world can eat you up.

 

My ex hasn't contacted me since that day. Well he sent me a text the next day but that's about it. Again, crazy. Cries for 3 hours then doesn't call..

I went to a link removed get together on Saturday and that was ok. For tomorrow I took dvd's out and bought chocolate and thought I'll have a nice night in but the guy from the date last Friday asked me out again. I'd like to see him again. I was hesitant because it's Valentines day. I remembered last year's Valentines day and how amazing it was and how it felt that me and the ex would last a long time. A part of me feels that it is wrong to go out and kiss another guy on this day (if he tries I will cos he looks and smells nice) but I try to rationalise it, last year was 365 days ago, all I have is this momenet etc. But I always do that..if I am sad I feel that I am wasting my time on this earth so I push myself too much. I then also thought if anything happens with this guy then it might go further which means we might get intimate, he sees me naked, OMG no! I feel awful about my body. Yes. I hate low self esteem days.

[quirky]

Today I put my business idea accross in my hobby group and they completely shot me down. I was very surprised. They were asking 'What will you offer that others won't?' and I said I am not set on that yet, it is just an idea at this point. It came as a surprise because my colleagues were very supportive and seemed to think both my ideas were good. One of the people in the group is someone I don't particularly like because he's domineering and a know-it-all kind of person. They were all also much older. So then I said 'Might as well stay in Customer Service right?'. I don't want just compliments, I can take rejection and I am open to suggestions. But they were quite dismissive. Because of it I didn't have the time to elaborate on my ideas because that jerk was asking me 'What's your USP (unique selling point)'. I am not there yet mate, it's still early stages I am considering just venturing out ya know? Oh, and then I was reminded about the recession. Yeah..why bother.

Negative and stuck. Cos there is a way of giving feedback, I would never respond like that if someone had an idea about starting a business. Because I know it takes certain guts to start one.

 

Apart from that we are working on a new piece that is amazing and I am fascinating by the way the rhythms are interlocking.

 

The guy from V date hasn't text me. I sadly have to dismiss him for now if he ever texts again because it's been a week. I'm not too bothered anyway.

 

I miss my friend, my ex and my best friend too. I miss all the important men in my life. My best friend is in another city in the UK at the moment and we do talk a bit but he's most likely moving back abroad soon again. Being around men does make me feel safe or comfortable, usually their humour works with me so I'd be happy to just have a new male friend to substitute for what I am missing. I wish my best friend stayed here, he is so important to me. People think it's just a friend but for me he's like family here in the UK. Otherwise I am just living in a huge city with one good friend and no family, different culture and just acquintances. I wondered the past 2 days what home is. I came to the conclusion 2 years ago that I am my home. But it doesn't seem enough. Is that a fault in me for it not being enough..? Home is where you feel comfortable and loved, that's the definition that feels right. I do like it here as a city but it doesn't feel whole at the moment..

 

I've been doing what the CBT trainer asks me to do but it doesn't quite fulfill me. Maybe it's how it, is after all action preceeds motivation. My flatmate's girlfriend said she dropped uni for a year because she's in a bad place. I found myself thinking 'Wow, I wish I could allow this to myself'. I don't know why I don't. It's either because I don't feel I deserve to be relaxed like that (a punishment issue) or because I am too scared of what might happen if I really allow myself to be sad for a prolonged time. I am trying to let go though..

[quirky]

Crap week. I had to leave the desk at work on Monday because I was tearing up. I went out sobbing for 30 min, talked to my mum and my friend. Then I thought my mum won't be around forever and will I make a life for myself? Cried at work on Friday too.

We had a memorial service for my friend on Sunday. I couldn't believe the whole thing still. Cried during that a bit too but I felt like eyes were on me so I tried to keep it together. On the cover of a booklet they gave out they put a picture I had taken of him. He had come to my area and we went to the local theatre.

 

NC from the ex which I'm sure is for the better. I am convinced this wasn't true love. More than anything I feel numb. The other day I woke up and was crying and I didn't stop myself. It was so right to do that. Because this way I allow it to run its course and I allow myself to be sad and free of the fear/obligation of seeming happy or being busy so I am loved. I have to feel I will be loved regardless.

 

My self esteem is so low it's almost funny. I laughed at myself in my last meeting with the CBT trainer with the stuff I was telling her. Btw, the CBT is not helping much because what I need is to talk to people who love me I think. The trainer prescribed a book for me on improving self esteem. The guy behind the counter looked at me with the book and I said 'yeah..tough times!'. We exchanged a couple of words and he said 'I really can't put the book and you together, you seem so cheerful I'm sure it's just a phase'. I thought 'yeah, you just don't know' but then I also thought 'well..maybe it is just a phase'.

But yeah..really negative thoughts. Thinking that people at work think I am a stupid foreigner, that I am not attractive, all sorts of crap.

 

I don't know what is happening..the overriding feeling is loneliness, I miss my people. It can't go on like this for too long because omg, life is such an effort when you're low. And imprisoning too. Like I get very irritated with things and that is SO unlike me. Dunno..just have no patience.

 

Anyway..I am off to see my family tomorrow for a few days. It will be nice to get a cuddle from my mum. Very bad point: I have been smoking a bit. I really shouldn't as it reduces fertility and I am on the pill which is not good.

 

Overall I kinda think it might be good to feel so bad because eventually I will get sick of it. Whereas if I keep distracting myself I noticed it doesn't actually make me feel any happier..just busier.

[quirky]

I am feeling much better. This last week has been quite nice. Going back home helped a lot, I have felt more hopeful since coming back I have put myself out there and it has paid off.

[quirky]

Great news !

I have been in touch lightly during the past 2 years with someone who really likes my music. He sent me an e-mail 2 weeks ago that he will start his own independent label and wants my music on it ! ! I am sooo happy. I have been so fired up to do music, to finish songs quicker. I am writing a song I really like, it's a little cheeky and more simple than my other stuff. I wonder what my fans will think. Sometimes I feel that I should stick to my surreal lyrics but others writing something simple works. I have a tendency to record a lot of things but I'll try and keep it more minimal for this one. I reaaaaaally hope somethings comes from the collaboration.

 

Yesterday was the first of 9 bereavement counceling sessions. It was very weird. I felt so bad just me talking, it felt unequal. It must be hard for them to just sit there and listen. I don't know what to tell her exactly or how to go about it. It makes me a little nervous but I'll stick it out, it's only 9 sessions anyway. Made me realise though that I have hardly dealt with my friend's death. Hardly talked about it cos I guess I needed some encouragement, someone to ask or show love. It's a heavy subject after all.

[quirky]

God it gets tedious sometimes recording the same thing over and over again. People that thing creativity is just fun are so wrong. Particularly since I'm not working in a studio where someone would place the microphones at the exact same spot every time. Even having my fan heater on changes the sound.

[quirky]

Some days are just so heavy. I despise feeling like this, truly contradicts my excitable nature. But I also can't be bothered with the constant effort. I think I am much more low than I want to accept. Maybe I am worse person than I want to believe. I have had 3 bereavement councelling sessions and I have hardly talked about my friend. I wonder why.

[quirky]

I want to reach a different place spiritually and I have been working towards it slowly..There are moments where I am not me anymore but part of a collective consciousness and it is very liberating.

I was looking at the trees again today. I love the wind, how the leaves move..the wind is motion. I imagine it carries energies, memories.. I always look at the leaves, probably every day at some point. I was in the gardens the other day and some leaves were huge and thick and some trunks really unique with odd paaterns. There's so much nature. I hope I get the chance to do some conservation work.

When I sat outside later I felt a sense of melancholy..the sun had set and the sky was grey - blue, everything was beautiful and my time in this life is limited.

Sometimes I feel like a wild animal trapped, I have too much life and passion in me. Perhaps that has been another reason why I have been low. I haven't been as connected to this life and passion. Maybe I should do more 'earthy' things to release it. Maybe..maybe..

 

I think my song is coming together and I can finish it soon, been too long without finishing a song. But then, when I am into it and I experience this ecstasy, how the rhythms interlock, how certain instrumets come and go..sometimes later I am deflated. I get too high from excitement and then I am faced with the restarints of my mortality. That's why I think that new place in spirituality might help ease my energy.

 

Where are you G..I wonder. Where is my friend.

[quirky]

I have been reading a bit about buddism but it doesn't quite sink in yet. I almost miss some of that restlessness I had. The more accepting I become the less motivated I am because things/accomplishments don't seem to have that same urgency. Before I'd want to prove myself through those accomplishments, I wanted something to call my own. Now...I don't know. It seems like in the big sceme of things nothing really matters. I don't get as stressed as I used to.

 

This last 8 months I am visited by a feeling of futility which I believe is strongly related to G's death and also to the breakup. Before, when I had dreams I thought I had a long time ahead and when it came to relationships I thought I was unique. Now I realise that this 'my whole life' business is not that long. And that robs me off some motivation.

 

I noticed my thought process yesterday when I was out with L. The comedian asked for my number but he was too quick and I didn't quite believe him. Then those 3 guys came to ask for a lighter and they were hovering. L has her bf and me..I caught myself thinking 'what's the point? Even if you don't speak to me you'll find someone else'. Like this whole love business is disposable.

 

I prefer to be single, relationships feel difficult to me..I don't know if it's my choices or what I yearn for in a person or my own difficulty to fully go for love. I still believe in romance and it'd be nice to meet someone real where we can transcend this together. But what would be even better is to reach a point where I don't feel I need to improve myself, where who I am is ok, is enough.

 

Maybe I can never be completely normal and healthy and perhaps that's ok. Maybe that bit of craziness, unsteadyness is where my home is and I shouldn't try to tone it down. Hm, that's a thought 8)

[Coconut Twin]

Craziness is the way forward

[quirky]

^^ I think I agree

 

 

To S:

tonight the evening was warm. On the way back home I smelled the jasmines and so many memories from my home country jumped in my heart and mind at once. I very quickly remembered us on the islands, the jasmines smelling at night and us close to the sea with a cheap beer in our hands. I miss everything we ever had because you touched my soul like no other. So much so I am at a loss as to how to get over our world. I hope you will call me, my intuition says you feel the same but I can't trust anything any more. I will go to an island again this summer and I am sad you won't be there with me. With the jasmines and the cheap beer.

[quirky]

9 1/2 months on

 

It has taken me a very long time to come to terms with this profound loss. Splitting up with S shortly after G's death. The panic blocked all feelings, I remember I even found it hard to cry for the first 3 months. G's friends are great, they all feel pretty similar things and that is of comfort to me..keeping in touch with them helps, even if it's very sporadic.

 

I still cannot comprehend what happened..and why. Life has forever changed for me, I have experienced what I feared the most and it has scared me how quickly something so precious goes away. It's been 9 months. Now..I often talk to my mum on the phone and then I am scared of losing her.I found it hard at the beginning getting close to people out of fear that they will leave or die. I still do a bit if I'm honest but I'm challenging it.

 

I now think of G and cry. And I'm happy I can at least experience my sorrow. Without him I haven't been able to speak my mother tongue with anyone here, without him there is a small void within. I miss his insight and his humour, his deep and crazy soul, his funny songs and gay endeavours. I have accepted the fact that I may never understand what happened and I am now trying to push myself and live an authentic life as he'd want me to.

 

I have been lucky in a sense that we worked together and some of my managers can offer a chat if I needed to. I haven't asked because I don't know where to begin and because grief is such a complicated thing. But at least I feel somewhat at home there in that job because they wouldn't judge me. They all said at some point or other how strong I had been but I don't think so. It is not strength to run from your feelings, I think the shock was so big I just froze for a while.

 

But now I know I can't be in the shadows for too long, I cant be too scared any more.

[itsallgrand]

Oh I'd give you a big hug! Coming out of a shock is difficult and painful....but also beautiful.

[quirky]

thank you for the hug IAG.

 

I went to my home country for 17 days. I swam and basked in the sun and overall felt the space. It was great to be able to utilise a whole house, spend time in the living room, not being woken up by 3 other people. It was also great spending time with my mum. We cried as always at the airport and this moment pierces through my heart. I will never get used to that separation. I kept feeling I am coming back to nothing. Things were tricky with my flatmates before I left but I decided to make an effort. Nevertheless there is no 'love' in the house and neither should I expect it to be, we're just flatmates that sometimes share.

 

The first days at work were annoying, I felt confined and wanted to get out and be outdoors like my home country. I feel quite bored. Need to do something else but don't know exactly what. My songs are getting together ok but I am lacking motivation overall. That is quite unlike me but this is how the whole past year has been.

 

Since last October I feel like I haven't lived. I've had this constant dull pain and a sense of resignation. The reason I haven't made enough of a progress is because I haven't cared. This is what's alarming, that I don't care enough at this point. If I meet anyone right now I doubt I will have the right judgement because even if he loves me or damages me I just won't care.

 

Then I think wow, I must have some serious self esteem issues if I can't care for my own happiness which then leads me to a lower state and I resign completely. It's all very new..

 

One good thing, I decided to lose some weight. I am going to lose 16lbs by Christmas. I am so determined about it that I don't even crave stuff, there is no option but to lose the weight.

 

Contact with S really messed me up. I miss our world so much..He said he wants to keep in touch and if I didn't have an ego maybe I would. I don't want him to see how sad I've been. He always thought of me as such an inspirational person and now I have nothing new to say really. I don't know what I'd tell him if we met up..I'd probably cry too. I don't think he'd dismiss me for it but it's my own pride.

 

I can feel the autumn winds approaching and the melancholy they carry with them. I wish things could feel normal again, be in S arms, in our quirky world. I was always bored when I was a kid cos I was yearning for something different, something bigger and more animated. When I met S a piece of the puzzle just fit, I had found my playmate. I would have done so much for that connection and I know he did his fair efforts too. He's been in my life for 8 years and I don't know where to look now, I feel so much less inspired without him. And not because I was depending on him..I still have my characters and I make up songs and try to smile on my own but I miss our theme songs and our dances and our long conversations about Personal Growth and Art and the world. I feel that I need him more than I love him and this troubles me.

 

I said I might write to him. I bought from the island this amazing pen made out of wood in the shape of a big fish and I love it, reminds me of home.

 

I think I will apply for that Oxfam job.

[quirky]

I find it REALLY sad when people say 'I was immature with my ex, they deserved better. I have now grown and learned from my mistakes and I am more in touch with my emotions, I can be a better partner'. That is SO unfair and I hate how something beautiful has to get destroyed so that someone can grow and give all that love to someone else. I truly hate endings

[quirky]

I used to be much more eloquent, I don't know what's happened to that but I shall try to read the dictionary again.

 

Because of how sad I was the past 11 months my brain turned into mash. I had my percussion practice last week and I decided to go for a harder instrument so I can challenge myself. I want to feel my brain working fast again. Maybe I'll get a sudoku too.