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It's a strange world but there must be a way


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I have a lot on my mind and thought about starting a journal.

 

I think a lot about nailing something down professionally but don't quite know how to go about things.

 

I have excitement and then I lose focus. Maybe I can keep track of what I am doing here.

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I did some music, tidied my room and tried to overall be more productive. I wish I could see answers quickly. Instead I often see a mountain in front of me. I worry that life might get the better of my dreams, that I won't amount to much, that I'm not as special as I hoped.

 

Today my Team Leader showed me how to reply to customer's emails and I could see myself slowly dying. I wanted to tell him that we are just processing, that we are not important here but he knows that already because he suffers from insomnia. When he had spoken to me about his insomnia I told him 'wow, you must have a lot of stresses on your mind, ' (for losing sleep) he said 'oh, no it's not stress it's been like this for a few years' and I said 'so it's unresolved stress' and then he was in silence, pondering. In time he told me how he hates his job and how he has a mortgage for a 1 bedroom flat.

 

I want to be braver than that.

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I have been confused and a bit down the past 2 days. But I did some more music today, went to a meeting yesterday regarding a vegbox scheme in my community. I am at work now and once again I have ansewered the same question 100 times trying to look enthusiastic. It's nobody's fault, just Customer Service is so cyclical.

 

I don't know what's up with my bf but I am thinking about our relationship. I hate fearing that he will leave me if I lose my limits a bit. I hate how I hold back a little since we split up. But I think I would hold back with anyone. I am still warm and giving but I realised that it works better if the woman is not super giving.

 

There is such lack of stability in my life already though that I don't know what is a real issue. There is a limitation to my self expression from many angles and a friend of mine told me it's normal to get frustrated. She suggested I move in with my bf but I am not sure about that at all, I just want to sort things ut for myself.

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I am close to finishing a song and it makes me happy.

 

Apart from that I have that awful desire again; wanting someone to save me, to organise me and reassure me. And the sad realisation that noone will.

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I applied for a job today. I am happy I pushed through it and took time on it. I also applied for housing benefits as I am so low on cash. My bf had the chance to do 2 extra shifts and he could help me out but he can't do them, hates customer service too. I was a bit hurt by that, there's not much point in 'happy to sacrifice' or 'want a future with you' if one only wants to provide when it's convenient. But I guess I may be too idealistic.

 

I have discovered a great site that helps me get closer to my dreams.

 

I have it on my bookmarks bar and it helps with staying focused. Today I got up even when I was sleepy, I exercised, showered and then got on with the day. I have done the things I have to do and also talked to family and a friend.

 

One of my exes asked me out again and I had to tell him I am dating my bf again. He sounded ok with it.

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A lot of people seem to be down lately. I really don't judge that it is just a bit difficult to be around it. My flatmate came in again crying. She has been going through a breakup, she has depression, she is not working etc. I listened to her and tried to encourage her to take action, dragged her out for an ice cream. Then on the way back we heard my other flatmate arguing with his gf and her eventually leaving teary eyed. Earlier at work a colleague was telling me how she's sick of the job and how she's depressed for it. Another colleague was telling me about her serious relationship problems. And what's crap about that is that we also have customers back and forth and I can't even listen to them properly!

I really can't help everyone but I feel sorry for them, I don't like seeing people in pain.

I have to detach myself and I do try but it is hard when it's so close.

 

I had a serious chat with my bf yestrday and I voiced all my concerns without fear. He seemed to understand and I really hope we make some changes, a new beginning perhaps with a joint path in mind. My best friend thinks not much will change eventually and I am prepared for that too I guess.

 

I have been trying to get some music done but I have all these freaking distractions I can't concentrate!

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Thanks for the link Jonas, I shall watch that film one day, bit scared to though

 

I had a great time yesterday, I met up with a friend and we went to a local theatre. It was nice to be in a small theatre, there was something nostalgic about it and the smell of theatre is beautiful, reminded me of when I worked in one.

Then we went to a beautiful pub and had a drink and chatted. This friend is the only friend I have here that comes from my home country so it is very relaxing to chat.

I feel happy.

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I am at work feeling very down. I had a massive argument with my bf and it looks like we have split up. The words were not uttered but it's what I understood. I spoke to my manager to be a bit lenient today and he was very understanding. I don't even know if I am looking forward to finishing work because then I'll just be going home. I have no idea how it went to this extreme, I was actually going to meet his mum today.

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When I finished work I saw 6 derranged messages and 6 missed calls and then he called me again saying that is not what he meant, that he is too stressed with the lack of money etc. I am reaaaaaally tired.

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  • 3 weeks later...

So it's been a while.

 

My nan passed away and I did an express trip back home. It was all pretty surreal, the family is quite messed up now and it is hard to see. While I was there I supressed all my feelings because I wanted to be there for my mum and because I was confused. But when I came back I had a good cry and felt ok after 2 days. I will be going back to my home country in about 3 weeks time and I look forward to it. I need to change the scenery and relax a little from this financial struggle.

 

At work they said we would have shifts but it ain't the case. I picked up a 3 hour shift for Sunday which I find ridiculous as it just gets in the way of a day off. But there we go.

This makes me focus more on ideas about my online shop and trying to find ways to create something better for myself. I started thinking that if a creative person cannot come up with an idea then who can? It's creative people that come up with ideas about products, trends, designs and in that way I believe more in myself about setting something up.

 

I have limiting beliefs that can hold me back but I challenge them a lot and I believe that I always transcend them in the end. I realised that I am trying to become self employed and it takes a certain amount of confidence to attempt that, a certain amount of self belief and faith in your idea. I had a very productive day the other day, jolting down ideas about the shop. I am still in very early stages of research and I try not to think too far and predict doom.

 

I have also been compiling an ad to find musicians again without thinking too far. It's hard to write the ad..but maybe with enough drafting it will come together.

 

The weather has been nice recently and my mind wanders into faraway lands and all things romantic. A walk by the seashore, feeling the summer breeze..the morning dew. Mornings are beautiful in the summer. I want to stay out a lot and fall in love again. I keep imagining a place somewhere in the Middle East, a desert like place, it calms me that image..like my soul is travelling.

 

I have also been eating healthier as I have put on weight and need to lose it asap!

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  • 2 weeks later...

I got a letter from work that they have overpaid us and will be deducting it from our next salaries. The amount they have overpaid us in the space of 6 weeks is what we make for a month as casuals. They don't even seem to be open to take the money back in installments, they will take it from the next 2 fortnightly payments. So this month we are working for nothing. I was shaking when my manager told me, I am in such a bad place financially. This incident clouded everything and I feel pretty put off since they told me, it was difficult going to work yesterday, I was very unmotivated. I am applying for help with my rent but it makes me feel crap. Not many jobs in the arts sector either. Or retail..so don't really know what to do about my income.

 

I have been proactive overall, I bought a very good notebook for my online shop to jolt down any ideas, to stick in cut-outs etc. Haven't done any music but I finished the ad, I can put it up now. I really look forward to going to my home country for a couple of weeks, I have become really tired here I need a change of scenery and some space.

 

I try to think how I will get out of this and find some comfort and I just have to be very patient. Earn enough to live on and keep working towards becoming self employed.

 

I wish my bf's situation was any better. Dunno what's going on there but some of my faith is gone after recent arguments. At least he is not lying, he is telling me he is impractical and that he doesn't know much. And whenever I mention something he always takes it on board. I wish things were really awful because then it would be easier to leave. He mentioned us sharing a room to save on money to maybe eventually move in together but I don't think I can do it. I need some space so badly. I miss having that massive room in my mum's house, it really helped with my music. It gave me the ability to experiment and be inspired.

 

I am going to a really good concert tonight, I really look forward to it, I managed to get free tickets from work so that's good. I volunteered for a voice project but it clashes with every day off I have with my bf before I go away for 2 weeks. So I don't know whether I should do it. This is one of the times I realised that if I was single I would definitely do it but in a realtionship you need to make time for your SO. If it wasn't the fact that I will not see him for 16 days I wouldn't think twice but now..don't know, gotta decide today really.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I am going back home tomorrow for 16 days. I look forward to it because I need a break. My mum's house though is in a remote area and that can be a pain with moving around..plus no internet at home. It'd be great if I could go on proper holidays on an island. Nevertheless I shall hopefully get a tan and return rejuvinated.

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  • 1 month later...

I feel so down today. My birthday is in 2 days and I feel like a total loser, I will be 33 for f""" sake! I am worried and stressed about where I am professionally (which is nowhere). Emotionally I am relatively ok but sometimes I feel that things with my bf are a bit too studenty for my likings (but that's not going to change because he is poor and can't think seriously of providing).

 

What happened? I had visions!

 

This career situation stresses me so much. I am doing 40 hour weeks at the moment and maybe it makes me feel worse because I have no time to be with myself.

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Yesterday I had this desire to drop everything and go and do humanitarian work.

 

Sometimes I feel that I can't stand the limitations of my mortality. What comes with being human. I wish I could transcend it.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Really sad today. Apart from my boyfriend being a idiot my best friend said he is moving to France. I am happy for him and I knew it would happen at some point but he's been like family to me and I don't know how I'll cope with that one.

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  • 3 weeks later...

It's been so hard since I came back. On one hand I don't want to put a name to things but truth is things with my bf have been awfull. Like..awful. How does it get like that when 2 people supposedly love each other? My commitment is wavering and so is my faith. I am so bored with everything, I feel like dropping things and going away. But where? Why is the city so tough? There is people everywhee and mostly people that don't smile. I am not amazing but I do smile.

It is tough when your relationship is not working. Makes the day harder. I don't know what to hope for, what to look forward to at the moment. And maybe I am being unreasonable. The past months of poverty and struggle have taken a toll on me and I start to wonder how understanding I should be. I mean he's not a bad guy he's just got ADD. And it ain't going away.

Dunno how to feel better at the moment

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  • 2 weeks later...

Everyone needs a little lie

 

I watched this film tonight called Melancholia which speaks of the planet Melancholia that is about to hit Earth and bring with it the end of our planet.

One of the main characters was very anxious about the rumours but her husband kept reassuring her that the planet will pass the Earth by and won't hit it. She was becoming relaxed when he'd say that, she felt reassured.

 

It made me think how much people need that. A little lie here there, or maybe call it encouragement. That everything will be ok. What if that wasn't provided? How would people feel? If noone could tell you that and you knew that there is no guarantee and you are alone. Can we handle this truth?

 

Which then brings me to think that we simply need each other to offer that reassurance so why then is this 'me, me, me' mentality so encouraged?

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  • 3 weeks later...

I feel numb and alone. I went out with my flatmates tonight and that was nice. They are nice people and I'm glad to have them. But it's as if life is on pause. I'd like so much someone to hold me and caress my hair. But not just anyone...someome who will stay and do this tomorrow and the day after.

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  • 1 month later...

I reallly wish you could still be here. And we could plan New Year's together. They don't understand and they don't know. True friendships are forever, I miss you so much and I keep remembering of all the insightful things you said. Whenever I go pass Old Strett I smile. But like you I don't believe in religion so I have no clue as to where you may be now.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Staying at home for New Year's by myself is my idea of misery...and failure. I know many people don't mind doing that but for me it's a sign of something not quite working. Unless one hates New Year's. Which again under normal circumstances I don't understand as it is a reason to go out and have a little bit of fun.

Nevertheless I will stay in. Because it is like that this year. And I kinda hope it never happens again.

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I hope that the new year brings you much happiness and love. I have seen many posts from you and you are always so stoic and strong and you always have great insight. There is no way someone like that would not, could not, find love. Hang in there.

 

I am avoiding the whole NYE thing this year. But I agree with you that people who look down upon NYE and Valentine's day are being too cynical. When you have a love, you want to find any excuse to celebrate your love.

 

Wishing you lots of love.

 

Best,

 

- curiocity

Edited by curiocity
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  • 2 weeks later...

^^^ thank you for your kind words. Aw, I told you in my PM I am not that strong but trying to I guess

 

When you have a love, you want to find any excuse to celebrate your love.

 

I believe in this a lot too. And not necessarily romantic love. Love for life above all..

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I haven't cried today. It was a better day overall. But it feels inside like I am. It's slow and it drags. I thought on the way back that my dad is 72 and he will die soon. I was a bit better in the morning when I did some music.

 

I feel rather awkward around people because I have to hide my pain. It worries me how well I can act that I am ok. But even that is wavering lately. Work does help though in general.

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Life can be such a bitter slog at times.

 

It's great you have ways to release the hurt and have things to avoid dwelling on whatever makes you feel.....not good.

 

I'm guessing you do not have anyone that you can confide in over there?

Or just chill out with and do other things for company and lifting spirits?

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