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Reasons why you shouldn't be friends/in contact with your ex! (add your own)


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  • 4 months later...
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- when you start a friendship with someone you never utter the words "let's be friends" or "can we be friends?". You just BECOME FRIENDS with that person in a normal way. After break-up most dumpers utter them. So NO, THANKS!

 

Agreed. It happened to me. I shrugged it off, moved out, moved on, and his response to my active NC was...

 

"You're engaged?! So that's why you didn't want to be friends?!"

 

Uhm...I don't need an ex's permission to move on. I felt more annoyed that even after the BU he tried to control or influence elements of my life that he apparently forfeited. It came as a shock to him, and I pity that, but I'm not sorry. I didn't actively avoid him because of this friend thing. I actively avoided him because I didn't want baggage, and that I learned from him that it really sucks being with a person with ex baggage. He remained friends with an ex...FWB actually before us, and neither of them really respected me. Even while in a supposed relationship with him she'd call him on their dating anniversary. I don't know what he'd tell her, but it was an ongoing issue. Shouldn't that stuff be taken care of before you start dating?

 

Well...some exes don't get it I guess. I don't remain friends with exes because...how weird would it be to have that when you're with someone new?

 

You'd say, "Hi BF, can my ex tag along? Don't worry. I'm over him."

BF'd say, "...uh but we're going to a dinner date that I've planned."

You'd say, "My ex is single, he's lonely. He's available and needs help getting a new GF so he can get over me."

BF'd say, "Uh,..."

You'd say, "C'mon, he's my best friend. I talk to him about things that I haven't and maybe will never with you. We've had a long history. It'd be a shame to throw that all away. But don't worry, I'm over him."

BF'd say, "Uhm..."

You'd say, "He's also going to need a place to stay. So he'll sleep with us, oh er more like me. I would never say it to you, but I'm just using you as a placeholder juuuuust in case our so-called relationship doesn't pan out."

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I think this really depends on what defined the relationship in the first place and what your expectation is going forward. I was in a relationship for a few months with someone. Things were going pretty hot and heavy, we were intimate, all those things and suddenly she put the breaks on it. I know why, she had a zillion things going on in her life (new job, court case, more time with her kids because ex-husband going back to school, etc., list was long) and just couldn't deal with being in a relationship at the moment. At least that had to be part of it. I knew exactly how that felt as I had just come off 5 years of self-imposed relationship exile because I didn't want to deal with being in a relationship either. But our relationship seemed to transend just boyfriend-girlfriend. We had a very friendly relationship. We decided to stay in contact. Text, phone, etc. It's been 6 weeks since our last intimate meeting (and last time together) and I'm already moved on, dating five different women now, we meet for lunch, and she suggested we stay friends. Tells me again she doesn't have time to be in relationship right now, still too much going on. I tell her I'm okay with that as I value our friendship. I'm not lying, it's true, I do. Hey, maybe she is is seeing someone else and I'm just back burner material now. So what? No problem there either. I'm seeing others. I feel totally fine with this situation. Of course I still have feelings for her, and I let her know if her situation ever changes, and she has more time or whatever. When we were in the car she saw I was getting text messages from other women (tried to hide it though) Hey it''s been six weeks, I ain't hanging around like a lampost waiting on her. She probably already knows that. Anyway, I seem to be able to deal with this situation. I've had bad breakups that hurt like hell. But I don't feel the sting on this one like those. Probably because I made stupid assumptions on those relationships and ended up playing the fool. Didn't do that this time. If she totally disappeared on me tomorrow I could deal with it. But it would be like losing a friend, not some crisis that would consumed me to the point of crippling me. Where this relationship goes from here is anybody's guess. I've been friends with ex's before. That ended badly. That was because I had made those stupid assumptions. This time I haven't. So it'll be interesting to see how this plays out. Got no expectations, because at this level there shouldn't be. That's why some of these relationship with ex's go so badly. If you are expecting something for yourself out of it then you are just setting yourself up for failure. I've heard a treasure troves of stories of couples that split up and later got back together. There must be a reason and one of those has to be because one of the parties (actually probably both) didn't go to pieces when the intimate part of the relationship ended. I'm not saying that will happen here because I have no expectations. None. I assume nothing. We are just friends. What happens from here is whatever happens from here.

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but what's the psychological reasoning?

 

Psychological reason.....

 

The ex's desire for friendship is for a number of reasons:

 

1) Like somethngwrng said, the attraction may have gone - but the enjoy your company. This is especially the case for long term relationships, or those were they have emotional attachment.

2) The safety net that, if GIG doesn't work out, there will already be some there to comfort them when lonely - reply to texts, meet up, hang out etc..

3) Everyone likes attention - and sometimes the thought that you can text someone and get an instant response (if you want them back or not), gives you that little confidence boost.

4) Remove the break-up guilt by "letting" the dumpee still have an active roll in their lives.

5) Someone who knows them emotional, and have someone to confide in. Even when they are seeing someone else - of whom they are yet to fully open up to. This in essence smooths the transition for them to make a good start with the next partner.

 

Alot of these actions are unintentional, and that the reactions to these are dependant on the feelings the dumpee has for them. Very rarely is there any malice intended - it's us as dumpees who tend to twist these requests as something more than they really are. The reality is, as in most instances, as soon as the Ex is in a comfortable new relationship - the "need" for the supposed friendship diminishes.

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Like people have probably said (sorry didn't read thread) It depends on the relationship. In most cases if the breakup isn't mutual and the dumpee still has feelings, you probably shouldn't be friends. Especially after a long term relationship. If the dumper has decided to make such a drastic decision, most likely it wasn't done on a whim. They have already begun checking out, and going over reasons why they should break things off, and most likely anyone they've talked to about it probably just agreed and helped reinforce their decision. If you are deeply in love with your ex, being friends will most often result in more heartbreak. They are allowed to wean themselves off of you, slowly pushing themselves from you, while you are hoping that remaining friends will help you get back together. I've just experienced this first hand. My ex had started drinking and clubbing (something she never wanted to do before) and although being friends with this "new" her helped take her off the pedestal, my feelings were still there and I was hoping in the back of my mind that she'd want to reconcile.

 

As for why the dumpers want to remain friends, I do believe they do it subconsciously. They still have some feelings of uncertainty, and may have a true desire to be friends in the beginning, but all it really does is allow them to move on without the hurt. Since they still see and talk to you, they get a little comfort from that, but they also still see you as the person who was undesirable, which allows them to drift apart.

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Oh this is brilliant. I've been struggling with myself over whether to try and be friends with my ex or not and I think you've just helped me make up my mind I think the no.1 primary reason which should convince everyone not to be friends with their ex is that WHY WASTE YOUR PRECIOUS TIME ON SOMEBODY WHO DOESN'T REALLY CARE ABOUT IT/APPRECIATE IT! You are a CONVENIENCE to them, they think they can have you as a back up in case their current relationship fails, they can try and make you a booty call, keep you their just to boost their ego etc. The time you spend with them could be WAY better spent with your precious friends who were the ones there for you to mop up the tears when this idiot dumped you! Who listened to your endless ramblings with patience and were always there to offer you advice and try and cheer you up! They deserve your time, not your ex.

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  • 3 months later...

Just stumbled on this on yahoo.

 

The ex factor

Should you ever stay friends with a former love?

 

Things might not have worked out between you romantically, but when you say, ‘Let’s be friends,’ should you mean it? The decision shouldn’t be taken lightly, but there can be benefits to swapping romance for friendship. Here’s our guide to the pros and cons…

 

Pros

 

1. Severing ties with an ex can mean waving goodbye to all your mutual friends too. If you keep things friendly, you’ll retain a heap of pals and won’t have to miss out on all hearing about all their milestones and gossip. Having a large pool of friends will increase your chances of meeting someone new too.

 

2. No one knows you like a boyfriend or girlfriend does, especially if you’ve had a long relationship. When you need some advice - about work, friends or even what to buy your mum for her birthday - sometimes a former partner can be useful as a sounding board. Perhaps steer clear of discussing your love life, though!

 

3. Even though you can’t stand the sight of your ex, you can’t always avoid them. If you work together, live near each other or have lots of mates in common, you save a lot of awkwardness by keeping things civil. And if you happen to have children together too, it’s best for everyone if you can have a chat without it turning into a blazing row.

 

4. Sometimes a romantic relationship ends because the spark burns out, and what’s left is a friendship, plain and simple. If you and your ex get on famously but just don’t fancy each other anymore, it can be a shame to throw all that away just because you used to be together.

 

5. It may seem bizarre, but staying friends with an ex may give you a sense of closure and help you move on. Once you’ve made the decision to break up, the more you spend time together, the more you may realise you were just plain wrong as couple. If he’s just a memory, on the other hand, you risk idealising your former relationship.

 

Cons

 

1. If you like your friends to know every detail about you, then think again about palling up with your ex. If they still hold a torch for you – no matter how small - it's unlikely you'll be able to share the nitty-gritty about any new love interests without hurting their feelings.

 

2. If there’s a new fella or lady in your life, you have to prioritise their interests. And some people get a bit funny about an ex hanging around on the scene. For the sake of your new relationship, it makes sense to leave former partners in the past and focus your attention on your new flame.

 

3. Break-ups are messy enough already without complicating it further by clinging on to a friendship. If you stay in contact, you risk blurring the lines, especially if you still fancy each other. Too many glasses of wine and a drunken snog later and you won’t know which way is up.

 

4. You may be over them, but can you really hear about your ex’s new conquest without a twinge of envy and annoyance that they’ve moved on first? However bad the relationship was, the thought of a former fling with someone else can be painful and make you waste unnecessary energy on being competitive. Cut them out of your life and you won’t be faced with the gory details.

 

5. Staying friends with an ex can make it harder to find someone new. Constantly being reminded of your past can hold you back, and you may find yourself comparing everyone to him. And if you’re both single, you might not bother looking for someone else, because your emotional needs are still being met with your regular cosy chats.

 

 

I KNOW WHICH WAY I LEAN TOWARDS! Needed that reminder today.

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  • 1 month later...

This is a vital thread for anyone that has ever been friends with an ex and found a knife in their heart or back as a result. I do think one can be friends with an ex IF neither of you have any romantic feelings and it would feel like you were snogging a relative if you kissed them. Otherwise no, the pain that comes with the first/initial breakup is nothing compared to the pain of watching them have a great time without you, while making sure you get to stay in the background in case THEY need something from you.

 

Besides your self-respect and self-esteem usually recover much faster if you have the space and distance to fully heal and put your life back together without the ex hanging around.

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Great post.

 

"where you are there for them when THEY need you. But with them it's a different story when it comes to YOUR needs"

 

exactly. Where is she when I'm upset and want to talk to her but then she thinks she can text me and expect me to comfort her because she misses me? Sorry but you broke up with me and refuse to take me back. I can't be held responsible for you being sad.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I do think that being friends with an ex can work, but only if there are no residual feelings on either side.

Having said that, I have decided to never try it again. I just got hurt all over again because of this very reason, my ex and I started talking again about a month ago, we spent a few nice hours together hugging and kissing, and decided to hang out every now and then... well, he kept making plans, but not even once followed through. He said he'd call and he almost never did; he made me feel non-existant all over again, which frustrated me. Yes, despite saying I wanted to be his friend, I started hoping and waiting for something more to happen. Well, it didn't.

 

And the last drop came this past weekend, when we had another conversation where by accident he admitted he is seeing other women, with whom he is doing most of the things he had told me we'd be doing, when we first started talking again! That hurt. I realized that I was the backup of the backup of the backup and so on, the last resort, in case the other ones were not available. This was why he never followed through with our plans.

 

However, he made it clear that he wouldn't mind getting together with me sexually whenever I felt like it (I didn't have sex with him after he dumped me last year). Double hurt.

 

Also, putting 2 and 2 together, I realized that he was cheating on me when we were together, just like he's now cheating on whoever that (or those) women are that he's seeing, and who probably think they are the only ones in his life, just like I did. He's obviously willing to cheat on her/them with me.

 

And when I told him that this "arrangement" is not going to work for me, I could feel him losing interest in being my "friend", and now I know I won't hear from him again.

 

I feel all kinds of bad and sad and insulted, and it's only my fault for being this weak.

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