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Reasons why you shouldn't be friends/in contact with your ex! (add your own)

dramallama

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  • 2 weeks later...
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sweetharmony Rising Star

sweetharmony

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For me, talking to my ex helped me deal with the breakup. For months after we first split, it was all I could think about so I made him talk to me (not in person though) and we discussed why it was that we actually broke up. It helped so much. I was able to stop obsessing over it and being angry and confused. Now we're back to being friends like we were before we started dating. I guess this wouldn't work for everyone if you and your ex were not friendly and the relationship ended really ugly.

 

I also have stayed friendly with only a few exes immediately after which HELPED me move on more quickly-those where the person I respected and admired and also knew I would never be happy with them long-term. We sent one another closure emails and conversations by phone that acknowledged and affirmed what we enjoyed about the relationship and also acknoweldged what didn't work. We also said our sorries, what we could have done and this served only to help one another learn and grow. deep in my heart I knew the other person wasn't right and visa versa but they were special and it just didn't work and wouldn't long-term. I think those types are easier to move on from and be friends. I'm still friendly with an ex today and so excited for his amazing life. He's a successful Broadway Producer with a gorgeous girlfriend...and truly I couldn't be happier for him. he's an amazing person, always treated me with utmost respect and dignity...and our breakup was amicable though extremely painful. I am such a cheerleader for him. but I don't hang out with him or anything sinc ehe has new life. he and I would never have worked out though we had deep connection.

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sweetharmony Rising Star

sweetharmony

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But when you have that hope, fantasy and dream that the person is or could be the one and where it's now gone and you are devastated...it is much more difficult to keep in touch and cold turkey is only way to go until you separate emotionally so you can think rationally. then if you so choose to be friends way down the line, then that is possible.

 

because when you send that email...and don't hear back for a few days...but then they do write and you analyze what it means or if their friendliness means they want to get back together...it's pure torture. it's like an addiction and the small rewards only keep you attached. the only way to separate that bond is to detach completely until it's not there.

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Chuck Bartowsk Apprentice

Chuck Bartowsk

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I sent a closure email to my ex today. we split up 6 weeks ago today after 8+ years together. A week later she was in a new relationship. She took no time to heal, just replaced me. I told her in the letter that I was moving forward with my life and wished her the best. It was the first contact in 2 weeks. She replied via text and it was nice but it had the "maybe we can be friends someday. I didn't respond to the text. She also stated she would write a more detailed response later. After I see it I am going to inform her that being friends is not an option for me. She will have to be content with the memories. I love her very much and want nothing but the best for her, but if she no longer feels its me then we have no need to share any aspect of our lives. Thank for this thread it did help.

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  • 4 weeks later...
Thorshammer Contributor

Thorshammer

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My gf just broke up with me after 3 years and some months. I read a lot of stuff to get my mind off of all of this, and the golden rule has always been NO-CONTACT. You allow her/him to accept your new role of friend, its like agreeing without meaning to agree. You need to analyze why they left you, for most cases NO-CONTACT is always key to either getting them back sometime in the future, or exiting with some dignity intact and without prolonging the hurt.

 

To relay what I read:

 

1-If they see you as a friend (or thinks its not working out, or lost love), then dont become their friend. Simple as that. Dont give them what they want, if you give them what they want, then they will be happy, and they dont derserve to be happy with something for something that is making you miserable. Do no-contact and act like life is grand without them and you have so many options open now, and that whatever changes you have done is working (or that you are returning to who you were when they did fall for you). You need to look attractive again, and confidence is always attractive, and something you dont have always attracts people to it (meaning they believe they cant have you anymore).

 

2- If they leave you for someone, then there is no reason to be their friend. They might come back when if it doesnt work out, but if you are smart, then you would either ignore them and laugh it off, or take them back to return the hurt (though this is childish and a waste of effort).

 

3- If her self esteem issues are the problem, then I would imagine no-contact wouldnt be the way to go. I guess push and pull would work, give them attention until they say they dont want you anymore, and then leave on kind words and apologize for your mistakes, and do no-contact (which allows them to hang on the last things you said).

 

Unfortunately, its too late for me now. I said too many mean things on my exit (accused her of many things since i didnt see the breakup coming, told her i needed her and loved her- which came accross as even more needy and lacking confidence), which just pushed her away more. Only shot I have is no-contact, and even then its unlikely, so I am trying to remember only the bad and bascially reading posts like this for closure.

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RitaTrue Rising Star

RitaTrue

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I could use advice on NC for my break up.

 

My former relationship lasted 10 months & ended 6-8 weeks ago. We broke up twice. First time, me. Afterwards, him. There was no ill-will, cheating, or other shadiness Just incompatability. But, directly after the break up, he suggested being long-distance friends. Seemed ok at that time. (But now weeks later, I can see why NC is needed)

 

Here's my problem My ex is a foreigner here on student visa, which expires this December. After that, he'll move back overseas. He want to see me about 2 weeks after school starts. On one hand, NC needs to start. If I start NC, that'd probably cut the likelihood of seeing him face-to-face before he leaves permanently. And he is a good person. On the other hand, I'd feel like I'm waiting for him, which is a loss of power on the inside.

 

He's a good person, even though it didnt work out. I'm just...confused.

 

What would you do in this situation?

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Thorshammer Contributor

Thorshammer

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Do you even want him as a friend and only a friend?

If not, then is getting those emptiness feelings in your stomach, and depressive episodes worth going through to keep ties with this "friend"?

 

I would imagine someone overseas would be a bit easier to get over- since they are overseas, and that alone breaks up relations. This means it would be easier to expect them moving on and being with someone else- so this may make it easier, or make it worse.

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  • 4 weeks later...
wheelerdealer Rookie

wheelerdealer

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After going in NC for almost a week and a half tomorrow. She's still sitting on my facebook. It would be the last step in dissolving it. This thread is helping me see I have to do this. Though I think about her not NEARLY as much as I did 3 weeks ago. I keep my facebook open at night in case she messages me. I self edit/ post things I wouldn't because I know she will see them. The reality is she probably has my posts set up to be ignored (I have hers hidden.) And she doesn't even think about it while I do this crap.

 

I've tried to tell myself that it shows her I don't really care that much but in reality she's moved on while I sort of sit here as her facebook friend.

 

I guess I'm still in a twisted way in denial by not removing her.

 

I'm doing it tonight! Heck I've gone this long without not having contact. I think the only benefit is me checking her thing to see she isn't with someone else. Though I know that will change eventually.

 

I've sort of treated this whole breakup for the last month and a half like getting in a hot tub the wrong way. Putting my foot in slowly, then my leg, and then easing down through the pain. I should have just gotten in (NC) and this long termish pain would have been a much shorter time. Hope that analogy makes sense..... Wish me luck

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1guygirl Collaborator

1guygirl

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thanks for bumping this peeps, eerily synchronistic as my ex contacts again wanting to be friends and for us to stay in touch. i cant do it, i cant be his cushion even after 3months after BU, i aint playing games, he knows the score and how i feel. he didnt like me insisting on NC but i didnt exactly like being at the bottom of his priority list...thats life, and my feelings and healing is paramount now, though i dont wish him ill at all.

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Cyndane Enthusiast

Cyndane

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Wish I had read this post earlier! Currently suffering from the pain that comes with seeing the ex- move on despite his messages n calls saying it was a possibility that we could get back together - what a load of crap! Definitely not staying friends n respecting myself!

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