Reasons why you shouldn't be friends/in contact with your ex! (add your own)

[swann]

Great thread and for me a much needed one. Amazing how many of the "points" on here are sooooo correct and how I have felt after speaking with the ex. The being "cool" with it parts are exactly what my dumb butt has being doing and telling myself how "cool" I am while actually I was only helping her ego and helping her when she was lonely. And with her, I damn sure know when she does find someone else (and she will if she hasn't already) I will fall completely fall off her radar. Time to regain some self respect and not call her or contact her in anyway and move on with my life.

 

Quick question? Does it make any difference if you tell them this and announce NC to them or just go cold turkey without saying a word to them? Reason I ask is I don't hate her and wish her well (I guess) with her life. I just need to move on and she has already moved on with hers. Truth be told she probably doesn't give a damn either way.

 

Thanks for this thread once again!

[Live-N-Learn]

Here is a list I put together on a post I made awhile back.

 

You make it easier on them to move on

You live in pain while they transition to the new relationship

You relieve there guilt

You become the perfect back up plan in case they get lonely

You suffer daily

You hold onto hope that they may want you back

You lose sleep

You get to hear about who they are dating and fk n

You can't heal and move on

You constantly read into everything they text or say

You obsess

You lose your self respect

They lose respect for you

You always end up saying something you regret

You get friendzoned and have no chance to get them back

You live on breadcrumbs

You give them all the power even though you think you have it

 

Sounds like a great offer!

[vivia12]

So you don't have a meltdown when you find out they have a girlfriend over facebook, drink a bottle of wine and have a smoking relapse, leaving you incapable of going to work the next day (this just happened to me).

 

At least I have a sense of humour about it.

 

 

I think I found mine on FB but i knew he already had someone,he didnt bother telling me he had FB till now-didnt friend me or anything. Hey a nice bottle of wine is not bad,just dont add scotch or anything else with it. It will get better!

[twitchyfingers]

Yeah, I tried being "cool" for a few weeks after the breakup. I wanted to prove something to myself, and to not let him know how much I was hurting, and to hang on to the illusion. Saw the writing on the wall, though, and eventually bounced from the sitch.

 

Re: announcing or not: there are arguments for each approach.

 

Like you, I didn't hate my ex. There was no abuse or infidelity -- just rejection. I went NC without announcing, but with the idea that if the ex asked what was up with the silence, I'd probably explain, and return to NC. He didn't ask, so it was a moot point.

 

Some people like to clearly articulate that they are open to being contacted IF and only if the ex wants to reconcile. That can be a form of closure. I didn't feel right in my case, since I saw NO hope of him wanting me back. Nor did I feel the need to ask permission to go quiet for a while, with the option to contact him later to resume the friendship. I felt like that would just put me in another weird limbo state.

[dramallama]

I like the compromise that twitchyfingers suggested that IF your dumper ex contacts you, THEN you can ask them to respect your need for space UNLESS they want to clearly reconcile. That way you aren't assuming that your ex would have even wanted to contact you anyway. It doesn't mean that they will respect your need for space though, because a lot of the time the opposite happens.

[mad rabbits]

Hey a nice bottle of wine is not bad,just dont add scotch or anything else with it. It will get better!

 

lol thanks viva

[Starrgrl]

-staying friends might justify unfair behaviour like cheating for an ex! It´s pretty much an egopush for them and a relief of their guilty conscience. It also makes you look weak because you are cool with such behaviour. If you still want to be friends....now the ex knows by the latest that he/she can do anything with you.

 

 

d amn straight. Thus why I've done 5 months of NC =) yay.

[Starrgrl]

I can't be friends with sb I don't trust or respect.

[swann]

So basically "if" she calls tell her that this isn't working for me anymore and I need not to hear from her anymore. If she doesn't call it's a moot point anyway.

 

She called last Thursday to check on me (storms), spoke with her then she sent a text on Saturday night but I didn't respond. I tried to call her twice on Sunday but only got voice mail. I sent her a text on Monday asking if she was alright and she responded she was and I responded glad to hear that and since then NC from either of us.

 

I feel so much better as I see I was settling for "bread crumbs" from her. Guess just having two intense years together and constant contact was harder to break than I originally thought. Also someone mentioned how the dumper had already moved on and how the dumpee was kinda left wondering what the hell had just happened and that kept them wanting any kind of contact from the dumper. Now I see the light much more clearly.

 

Thanks again!

[askltk]

Just what I needed to read today Drama! Thanks Again.

[dramallama]

Some more...

 

- if your ex is already in a relationship/dating and you keep in touch with them it will give them an ego boost and it will make their new relationship MORE successful than if you weren't around. Why? Because you are a good distraction for what might be going wrong in their new relationship. If their new relationship is only half as fulfilling, they will go to YOU to fill in the gaps, then when they cuddle up to their new partner at night, the ex is fulfilled. But if you go away and make yourself scarce, then your ex must make a choice as to whether his new relationship is fulfilling in all the ways as they would like.

 

- it won't give your ex a chance to miss you if you stay in contact, any contact. People only appreciate something when it's gone or when they don't have access to it. Think about someone or something that is in your face everyday - a friend/acquaintance who contacts you a bit TOO much, your favourite food that is always in the fridge, a shirt that you like to wear that is hanging in your wardrobe. You take for granted something when it is available.

 

But when you can't have it, you want it MORE. You feel a bit more lonely now that your friend that hasn't been contacting you at all and you realise just how fun they were to have around. Your favourite food has gone out of production and so you start craving some to eat because it's not available to buy anymore. Your favourite shirt has gone missing so you turn the house upside down looking for it because you realise just how great it looks on you.

 

I'm not necessarily saying that it will make your ex come back, but it IS basic psychology to appreciate something that is not available anymore, and that goes for your dumper ex appreciating the great things about you. It also lets the negative reasons why they broke up with you to fade away, and for the good feelings to return. Even if your ex is begging you to stay friends, this point STILL applies!

 

- They can't miss you if you are hanging around like a bad smell. If you take them at their word and leave and disappear into the fog, it WILL make your ex re-think their decision and whether it was the right choice to leave you, even if they only end up considering it for a split second. Doesn't mean that the decision will be reversed in your favour, but they will ask themselves, "did I do the right thing?"

[mikeee]

I've remained friends w/nearly all my exs. It helped me get through it, there was never sex involved and it turns out 1 instance I went 800 miles to help an ex after 7 yrs. she found out her bf was cheating. No sex, and from 11 yrs. ago my gf is working as a caregiver for my Mom and Dad who are disabled and they love her, I do too just as a great person. BUT YES SOME SERIOUS TIME LIKE A COUPLE YRS. HAS TO GO BY FIRST IF YOUR THE 1 DUMPED AND YOU ARE BROKEN HEARTED, WHICH I WAS OVER THE NOW CARE GIVER GIRL.

[TiredOfGames]

This is a really great thread.

 

I want nothing more than to go with complete NC right now. I'm on day one post-breakup. It was tough for most of the day, but ENA has helped snap me back to reality. NC today for sure, and I have most things boxed away, messages and contact info deleted from my phone etc. As I come accross anything I've missed (which I'm sure I will), that will be thrown out or boxed right away too. Eventually I'll remove the box from my life too.

 

I have a dilemma/problem that I'm hoping you good folk can help me out with. My ex and I work together, same team (and a team of only 3), and we share a cube wall. I didn't go to work today, but I'll be going in tomorrow. Earlier I felt weak for staying away from the office today, but to be honest I think it was needed.

 

I really have no idea how to handle work and contact there. I know I need to keep things strictly work related, and have no other communication outside of that. But still, how should I act/react should she attempt communication unrelated to work? What about bumping into her in hallways, exiting/entering our respective cubes etc.?

 

I feel like I should have a plan, at least something for starters, and I hope you can help with suggestions. Otherwise I'll do or say (or ignore!) something stupid that is a detriment to my healing, our professional work relationship, or even come off in a way that's detrimental to my character (mean or hurtful). I want to heal, and I want to do it with my head held high. Thanks.

 

Edit: Also we have some things of each others that we need to exchange, and I know she won't bring this up. How should I go about that? I'm not sure I'm ready to do that tomorrow, but I guess the sooner the better.

[chiqueangel]

- they just want the idea of you being with them and not urging that they want to be with you. they just want you to fill their needs without even reciprocating them.

[dramallama]

TOG - treat her like a stranger - polite but distant. If she tries to find out what's going on with you, just say that you think it's best if you two didn't talk about anything personal. It's about putting up boundaries. Doesn't mean that you can't say hello and "how's the weather?" but anything beyond that she shouldn't know about. It's always a risk when you work with someone to get into a relationship with them. Because if you break up you have to see them. I would look into transferring.

[fire2therain]

- You WILL be happier not being friends with them when the BU is fresh..sometimes even after it's fresh.

- You will keep your dignity and learn from the experience without being tossed around like a basketball (I know this was already said but it's so damn important IMO that it HAS to be stated more times than once)

- You will be proud of yourself after for HAVING the respect to not be friends and think about yourself.

- They are selfish (thinking of their feelings and breaking up with you), so why shouldn't you be selfish?

[hrtlsngl7]

Exes don't exist in my book. Non-people. Exes are exes for a reason.

[rkw]

As wrong as NC felt for the first few days, after a week I think it's starting to help. I recommend it 100%. I haven't cried (I've gotten teary, but not cried) for over 36 hours. It's really hard, but I know it's for the best. Being friends or staying in contact would have made this process much slower and more painful.

 

And the odd thing is, I feel much more confident. I've shown myself that I can live without him, something I never thought possible (and I expect neither did he).

[caughtinabadon]

*caution, some assumed generalizations below*

 

It's a good idea to remind yourself of your exes bad traits every time you happen to think about them. Imagine being married to them and how you would feel being stuck with those bad traits. That ought to put things into perspective!

 

Also, think of your first significant other (first real relationship), how you loved them so much and thought you would be together forever. Fast forward to now, you (hopefully) do not care for them like you did before in even the slightest sense and have moved on significantly in other aspects of your life. This goes to show that time and distance (no contact) will do the same with your current ex and situation. There is no exception.

 

thoughts?

[caughtinabadon]

I seriously am going to print our dramallama's list and place it around my mirror I use everyday so that I can have a constant reminder of why I am doing no contact and have no need to be friends until these reasons are deeply embedded in my mind and second nature to me. Not trying to sound dramatic but it really does help to constantly remind myself why I am in it for the long haul

[twitchyfingers]

I feel much more confident. I've shown myself that I can live without him, something I never thought possible (and I expect neither did he).

 

That's awesome. Confidence-building is a real plus side to NC. It can carry over to other parts of your life, too.

[SmilingKatty]

Thank you, Dramallama, for posting this. Recently I was contacted by en ex from one year ago - and everything you are warning against in your first post has happened: me overanalysing everything, hearing about his GF and slowing me down in general. I hope, that at least I don´t seem to be a weak person, but who knows?

[Love1336]

 

I love your ending!

it took me a couple of months to realize this. But I at least I learned my lesson.

NC is the way to be!

[TiredOfGames]

My ex was selfish and disrespectful of my love, my devotion, and my time, to name but a few. She was critical of me, non-communicative, and dishonest about certain things. I was never any one of those things toward her.

 

She was far from a friend to me, and yet now she wants to 'remain' friends???

 

HAHAHAHA! Thanks, but no thanks!

[swann]

Well I broke NC yesterday. She called with something related to my work, I called back and she was rude and short with me and hung up quickly. Well I got ticked and called her back and asked what that was all about and basically she said she was "disappointed" with me for not checking on her. We have been 12 days NC till then. My basic response should have been "**** you" but I didn't and just said "you left me, what do you want from me?". Text book actions from a selfish dumper.

 

I just don't know why I can't not pick-up the phone? I was doing pretty good and actually don't feel that bad now but still, I just wish I had gotten really mad and let her have it. I guess I was trying to be civil about her leaving me and damn sure have been playing the "it's cool act" but I think now I have to get pissed about her to keep from giving in time and time again. I just can't believe how in love I was with her and still am???? She has been playing me like a fiddle and I have allowed it. What a sucker.

 

Any how, just had to vent a bit about it here and thanks for the help. This thread is dead-on money in my case. Just have to man-up and put it back into action. I will say this though, each time this happens it does seem to get easier to get over it quicker and doesn't bother me as much. Good sign I hope.