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Reasons why you shouldn't be friends/in contact with your ex! (add your own)


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Reasons why you shouldn't be friends/in contact with your ex or unrequited love.

 

- it's another way to avoid dealing with the pain of a break-up or loss but you will have to deal with it sooner or later, like when your ex starts dating someone else... and it will happen

 

- it shows your ex that you don't have the confidence to walk away from someone that has ALREADY told you that they don't see a future with you

 

- it shows your ex that you are willing to settle for less than what you want

 

- it shows your ex that you are not strong or confident enough to stand on your own two feet

 

- it will keep the pain fresh and give you false hope

 

- instead of living your life and healing, you will spend that time analysing your ex's behaviour. "does this mean he/she wants to get back together?" or you will spend your time trying to manipulate your own behaviour so that they will want you back (it's not fun).

 

- you will have to see how much fun they are having when they are free and single without you tying them down

 

- you will have to repress your true feelings because you are the one that accepted this arrangement, trying to let your ex believe that you are cool with it

 

- your ex can sleep with you/lead you on/tease you/hang out together, but if you get "the wrong impression" your ex can say, "but babe, we're just friends, remember? You agreed to that and I don't want to be tied down right now." Ouch.

 

- it will stop YOU from meeting and seeing (with your heart) people that WILL want to be with you. from meeting someone that will not be happy with just being friends. Someone that is so crazy about YOU, that friends simply won't do.

 

- you will probably see or hear about your ex flirting with someone else, or worse, sleeping with them. Like a knife to your heart. Gah!

 

- it keeps you in a perpetual state of limbo where you are uncertain about what your future holds (in a bad way)

 

- it does nothing to help your self esteem and dignity (which is low after a break up anyway) because you are asking yourself, "why doesn't my ex want to be with me? what is so wrong with me that I'm right here waiting for them and they still turn me down?"

 

- it doesn't give you time to get perspective or clarity or to learn anything from the relationship. You can only look at something objectively when enough time has passed. You cannot do that if you are in the middle of the hurricane.

 

Walk away with dignity people! If your ex changes their mind - they know how to use a freaking phone or send you a letter, even! I'm sure that you can count on your hand AT LEAST five different ways that your ex can contact you if they change their mind AND want to make it clear to you that you are the love of their life. But staying friends is NOT an option!

Edited by dramallama
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This is a truly well written to the point thread that answered many of my unanswered questions. Even though we are back in contact with eachother,in my heart I dont want to be stay friends,thats not what I want just bc he wants that-he's in a relationship.

I even cringe when I wrote that,so imagine when he brings her up in a convo,which is something I really cant stand him doing that. This is why its not a good idea to stay friends,but i dont want to totally never hear from him either Just bit confused about it.

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Great post! I also have just realised that there is no such thing as being friendly after a break up and keep contact, though things are not just black or white, and we are not perfect and we might regret the break up and the mistakes we made, but I guess when we realise that there is no way back it is best to just move on, without looking back... By looking back we will just keep the pain alive and feed all our illusions and we will end up hurting ourselves even more... So I don t want my ex back, I don t want to stay friends with my ex any more, I decided to be my own best friend first of all and prevent myself from keep doing stupid things like waiting, hoping, asking useless questions about what was and what could have been...

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can someone make this a sticky please. This is the realest list of reasons I have ever read to date, including lots of similar posts on this forum. They should all be pooled in one mega thread for newcomers (like myself) to learn from because they are just so true and helpful!

 

cant thank you enough for posting this/all the help you are to everyone. You really do make a difference in people's lives, and I hope you know this

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You're welcome everyone. The reason why I could write that list is because I have felt most, if not all of those reasons myself with my unrequited love.

 

Another reason...

 

- it lets your ex use YOU as their emotional tampon (where you have to soak up all of their problems), where you are there for them when THEY need you. But with them it's a different story when it comes to YOUR needs. Also, you may be reluctant to express your needs because you want to be "cool" and not put any "pressure" on your ex, so they don't think you are asking too much of them. In the end it just drives you crazy because you can't act how you want to act. You become frustrated version of yourself which drives you to be even more clingy.

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llama, keepin' it real as ever!

 

  • when (not IF) your ex gets a new significant other, there is a very good chance they will drop you like a hot potato. DOUBLE OUCH.
     
  • you don't want to burden your REAL friends with all your ongoing angst and over-analysis of every. freaking. thing your ex says or does -- your poor friends have been through enough, trying to help you through the breakup.

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thanks twitchyfingers.

 

- focusing on your ex takes away from YOUR life - any joy is overcrowded by thoughts of them and your anguish over the situation you've found yourself in. But if you stick with NC, those thoughts/feeling will slowly go away and you will be yourself again. But it takes time...

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  • eliminates the very real possibility that, at some point, in a moment of weakness, you will freak out and do something you later regret (beg, grovel, break crockery). This freak-out diminishes your sense of self-worth, AND gives the ex more reason to think "Huh, see? You're whacked. I'm glad I broke it off!"

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Yeah, it lets your ex wean themselves off you, while you are giving them a constant ego boost, which usually lets them move onto the next person quicker. Meanwhile you are left on the sidelines in the dust (which is what you've chosen to do, so it isn't entirely your ex's fault...)

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So you don't have a meltdown when you find out they have a girlfriend over facebook, drink a bottle of wine and have a smoking relapse, leaving you incapable of going to work the next day (this just happened to me).

 

At least I have a sense of humour about it.

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For me, talking to my ex helped me deal with the breakup. For months after we first split, it was all I could think about so I made him talk to me (not in person though) and we discussed why it was that we actually broke up. It helped so much. I was able to stop obsessing over it and being angry and confused. Now we're back to being friends like we were before we started dating. I guess this wouldn't work for everyone if you and your ex were not friendly and the relationship ended really ugly.

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Luckily I haven't been speaking to him, but I should have deleted him off fb ages ago! grrr Randomly decided to take a peek last night and he has put me on LIMITED PROFILE and has a girlfriend.

 

I deleted him straight away... it was hard, I'll never see him again (which is a good thing). But kind of shocking anyway.

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-staying friends might justify unfair behaviour like cheating for an ex! It´s pretty much an egopush for them and a relief of their guilty conscience. It also makes you look weak because you are cool with such behaviour. If you still want to be friends....now the ex knows by the latest that he/she can do anything with you.

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- Because they will USE you, and they won't even be aware of doing it.

 

-Because they will lie to you and tell you what you want to hear when it's convenient and then tell you the truth later. Or they will say they "were confused and didn't mean what I said."

 

-Because it hurts more to get dumped AGAIN and you will get your hopes up.

 

-Because they aren't worth it.

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Thanks for posting this. My thoughts are though that even if someone doesn't see a future with you, that doesn't mean you didn't see one with them. I still hate seeing my ex with her. He recently brought her to a party where everyone knew him and I as a couple and even more so everyone there knew me and know the story of how he wronged me. I admit that I loved hearing from a bunch of the people I work with come back and tell me she's hideous but allI in all I refused to go to that party because I didn't wanna be around them. I guess I'm not one who is going to face this situation with dignity.

 

- it lets your ex use YOU as their emotional tampon (where you have to soak up all of their problems)

this is hilarious, remind me not to read your posts when I'm eating LOL

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Exactly,Drama. Its as if every time I interact I have to walk on eggshells not to reveal to much or want to much. Sure we flirt a bit but I know its not really want to go further. When it does,it will be a long while. Still there is this thing you said about being in Limbo,which is soo true. Its a place I dont want to continue to stay in. Unless I can be friends and not expect much,still difficult. Rock and a Hard place.

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