My Healing Journal.

[stacy2]

Alright, it's almost 4am and I can't sleep. I've had an awful day, received some not so great news, and it's a day like this where I find myself missing him so much. I would do anything just to have him lying next to me right now.

 

I never have really been one to write all my thoughts down, but hopefully I can use this as an outlet especially on nights like this where I feel like I just have so much on my mind.

 

I'm just confused as to why it's taking me so long to get over him. It's been 5.5 weeks and although I have a lot of good days where I feel myself accepting everything, I also have a lot of days where I'm not thinking logically about any of it. Maybe it just has a lot to do with the timing of the break-up. My sister just got engaged, three of my friends are getting married this summer, and my current roommate who was my last 'single' friend is now in a committed relationship and spending all of her time with him. I guess all of that has just made the loneliness hit that much harder. My group of support, which at one time was a fun group of single girlfriends, is pretty much MIA now. They have all paired off and living a totally different life and the last thing they want to do is sit there and listen to me b**** about problems they can no longer relate to. It sucks. Break-ups suck.

 

And I'm not sure how two stubborn and prideful people are ever supposed to work things out and reconcile. I'm feeling doubtful that he is going to contact me again after I ignored him. I know him all too well, and I know he would never come straight out and say he would like to try things again unless he was absolutely sure I wanted the same thing. And at this point I have done nothing to show him how bad I want him back, in fact, my actions thus far have pretty much indicated the opposite. I don't know, I guess all I can do is just keep moving forward and let whatever is supposed to happen, happen.

[stacy2]

Feeling much better today. I signed up for a half-marathon awhile ago which is this weekend, and then when the break-up happened my workout routine went to s***, so I wasn't planning on running it. Well, I decided I'm going to anyway. And an old fling who has recently been showing interest in me asked me to be his date to a wedding this weekend, I agreed to go with him. So this weekend will at least keep me busy!

 

I'm trying to go back to expecting I'll never hear from my ex again. As far as moving on goes, even though it sucked it was a lot easier when I felt there was no hope. Maybe I will hear from him again this weekend, maybe I won't. I'm 99% sure that I won't considering I pretty much shut down his last attempt. If I can get to a point of complete nonchalance, where I can say I genuinely don't care either way, then I might shoot him a text down the line. The thing is, I have realized I would love to be in a relationship with him again... just not right now. It would be nice to keep that door open somehow, but it all just seems too complicated at this point. So I'm just going to wait it out and see if he contacts me again, meanwhile focus on moving forward with my own life.

[stacy2]

Today has been a good day, he's been slowly slipping away from my thoughts. I am feeling pretty confident about moving on from all of this. It's funny how I really thought he was "the one," he's the first guy that I genuinely could see a future with, but now all those intense feelings I had for him at one point are slowly fading. I'm glad. I don't like being hung up on people, especially someone who was willing to walk away.

[stacy2]

I was supposed to go to a wedding tonight with someone but last night he called me after a night of drinking and professed his feelings for me, he came on way too strong too soon, and I had to tell him that right now is just really bad timing. My heart's not in it. So we both agreed it's probably best I don't go with him tonight. I don't want to lead him on, he was someone I could maybe see potential with but I feel like my emotions are still all over the place right now that I just don't really know what I feel about anything. I figured it wouldn't be fair to him, especially now after knowing he already has feelings involved.

 

Now I'm back to thinking about my ex. He's been on my mind all day. I haven't heard from him since this past Sunday/Monday and at this point I'm getting really antsy to hear from him again. I have no idea if I will or not. I also have no idea if how I responded hurt my chances. I'm really fighting the urge to contact him today. I know it's just my mind playing tricks on me but part of me feels like the ball is in my court now since I ignored his last attempt. Of course I'm not going to, I know better than that, but I haven't wanted to this bad for awhile!

[stacy2]

I hate working the night shift when all my patients are sleeping and I actually have the time to think about him. Haven't heard from him for a week now, I was hoping I would have this weekend... but nope. At the moment I'm glad I shot down his last attempt. These past six weeks have been so emotionally and mentally draining for me (at least when it comes to him) that I'm not sure I have anything left to give. As much as I would like to hear from him, when I really take a second to think if I would want to get back together with him, I'm not so sure. At this point the only way I would consider it is if he put in a LOT of effort and he obviously hasn't, so whatever. It does suck that for a second there, when he contacted me, I had hope that he would put in the effort... but I was wrong. It is what it is, I guess.

[stacy2]

I have a "**** him" attitude right now and I love it!

[stacy2]

It's funny how my outlook about him and the relationship has changed so much as the time has passed. I went from thinking he was the best thing on the earth to now thinking he's somewhat of a douche. I think that's a healthy transition for me, I need to bump him off his pedestal if I'm ever going to fully get over this. Whenever I start thinking of how much I miss him or the good times we've had together, I need to just slap myself in the face with reality. HE LEFT YOU STACY, most likely for another girl...if that's the case, I don't want him. He was selfish and careless with my feelings and has made this past month hell for me. Meanwhile, he hasn't had to feel one ounce of pain. I really hope the reason he contacted me a week ago was because things with him and another girl didn't work out. I hope he is feeling some loneliness and I hope it's hitting him hard. I don't know why, but this past week I have had this strong urge to want to get even with him and I'm not even normally that kind of person. He puts on this front that he's such a good guy and cares so much about other people, but really, he doesn't give a ****. He knows he's good-looking and charming, he knows he can make a girl crumble in his hands, and he uses that to take advantage of others. I fell for him at the beginning for the person he made himself out to be, but as time went on in the relationship I saw different sides, and up until this point I chose to ignore the sides of him I didn't like because I felt like the good made up for the bad. I've been in complete denial. I was blinded by love and it's almost as if he had me under a spell. Maybe that's why this has been the one break-up that has been so hard for me to get over. I lost so much of myself when I was with him, and I'm just now starting to gain it back. I deserve better.

 

And although I've been a wreck on the inside, I'm SOOOO glad that I didn't give him the satisfaction of seeing that. I have no regrets about my behavior, it's such a good feeling to look back and know that. A few weeks ago I remember regretting my lack of reaction to the break-up and the fact that I didn't show him how much he hurt me and how much he meant to me. Now I'm giving myself a pat on the back for not allowing him to know that. I walked away like he wasn't worth the fight. When he contacted me, I acted polite and aloof like he was the last thing on my mind. He needed an ego check. I doubt he thinks about me, but when I do cross his mind every now and then I hope he is humbled by the fact that for all he knows losing him had no effect on me.

 

It definitely sucked at the time to keep all that hurt and sadness on the inside but like I said, I'm so glad I did. I'm also so glad I have had this place to keep me in check and remind me that contacting him would have been an awful idea. I feel like I have this power and satisfaction now that I wouldn't have had otherwise. He took a lot from me, but at least he didn't take my dignity. I feel like I'm finally moving forward.

[stacy2]

I go through moments where I am upset with him and the situation. Those are the moments where I feel strong and proud of myself for going straight into NC and holding on to my pride.

 

Then I go through other moments, like tonight, where I just feel sadness. It's gorgeous out and if we were still together we would have spent the night lounging on my deck, cuddling, listening to music and drinking some beer. Sometimes I feel like my pride isn't nearly as fulfilling as moments like that with him, and when I get in that mind frame I'm so tempted just to call him.

[stacy2]

I miss him a lot, but I'm glad that I told him tonight that I wasn't available to go with him. I think seeing him is just going to bring back a flood of emotions that I have worked really hard to overcome.

 

The break-up robbed me of my self-esteem, and I'm finally starting to gain it back. I'm finally starting to see the value within myself again and I don't want him to take that away from me. I am really proud of myself for trying to think about this rationally instead of impulsively. A few weeks ago I would have jumped at any opportunity to see him, and as much as I still want to, I have to think if that's really in my best interest at this point. I can handle him breaking my heart once, but I don't know if I would be able to handle it a second time. Maybe it's best just to stay away from him and to continue to work on getting over him rather than working on getting back together with him.

[stacy2]

I'm afraid I was too harsh on him Thursday.

[stacy2]

It's almost the seven week mark since the break-up, and he is still on my mind like crazy. Part of me wishes he wouldn't have contacted me until a couple of months in the future. Maybe I would have been ready to try again at that point. I don't know if I will hear from him again, I don't know if I should try to reach out to him now, I just don't know anything anymore. During the past seven weeks I have just been in cruise control. I have just been trying to distract myself instead of happily living my own life without him. Now I know I'm at a point where I need to make some serious changes. I need to either accept that he's out of my life for good, or put the effort into slowly rebuilding whatever it was we had.

 

My self-esteem took a hit with this break-up. I almost don't feel like trying with him again because now I feel this need to prove myself, that I'm worth coming back to. If he left me once there was something obviously wrong with me or not good enough then, so what has changed? I don't know, it just won't feel the same. I'm sitting here crying, so angry at him for ruining what we had because it's gone now. I'd be lying to myself by saying there's a chance we could work again. That's just not going to happen. This break-up has affected me way too much, he affected my feelings of self-worth way too much. As much as I miss him, I know the best thing for me is not to go back to that. It's just a matter of convincing myself.

[stacy2]

I am so angry at him right now, I feel like I'm feeling my heart breaking all over again. I have to promise myself right now that I will never go back to him, EVER. I do not want to deal with this pain ever again from him... Why did I get my hopes up? I am so angry and disappointed in myself.

 

He no longer exists in my world.

[stacy2]

I talked to him briefly tonight. He was trying to milk information out of me, trying to get me to say that I missed him and wanted him back. I stayed strong. It amazes me how much time heals and how much stronger you can become.

 

I no longer care what happens. If he reaches out to me, cool. If not, oh well. The tables have turned, unfortunately I still don't know why he contacted me or wants me back... a huge part of me thinks it's impulsive behavior on his part, possibly because he was hurt by another girl. Who knows. I imagined I would have grilled him by now for answers, but I just keep thinking what's the point? I have to be honest, though, I am gaining some satisfaction out of knowing he finally realized what he lost out on. I'm glad he's missing me.

[stacy2]

I just read the blog about Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl and I feel like I just had a HUGE a-ha moment. I need to read this e-book ASAP!!!

 

I'm feeling good right now. I am not regretting my decision and I haven't tried talking to him since then. I can't help but feel like he takes advantage of me. I don't want to be available to him, that's giving him the sign that his actions are acceptable... and they aren't. I stuck through a lot of his hot and cold behavior, I sacrificed my own happiness thinking he would deliver on all his promises about the future, and guess what? He didn't. At what point do I realize my own value and that I deserve someone who treats me better!?

 

He was emotionally unavailable before our relationship, during our relationship, and he will continue to be that way for awhile. I have to keep telling myself that it's NOT me, I have been my own worst enemy these past couple months. I've never felt so awful about myself because I allowed myself to take the blame for his issues. This feeling of not being good enough for him has got to go! He's an incredibly successful and good-looking guy, he has no problem attracting girls, but there is a reason why he is still single and can't maintain a relationship. He has issues. He does. The girls before me have seen it, it just took me awhile longer to put all the pieces together and see things for what they were. I knew from the beginning he was different than any other guy I have been with, and that's what I was so attracted to, I just figured all those little issues would work themselves out... and obviously, that was me being unrealistic!

[stacy2]

I just got an appointment reminder on my phone, it said "2 months"... lol I forgot that I marked the calendar on my phone for the 1-month mark and the 2-month mark right after the break-up. I seriously thought I'd be over this by now. I can't believe it has been exactly SIXTY days, it has gone by so fast.

 

The truth is, I miss him. I hope this gets easier. I feel silly and I'm embarrassed that I still think about him constantly. Whenever he pops in my head, I make a conscious effort to distract myself and try to think about something else but then two minutes later I think about him again. I want to move on, I know that's what I need to do, but I just feel so empty and I feel like I'm under a cloud that I can't seem to escape from. I don't have anything to give to anyone else, I have no desire to date right now and I wish I did because this loneliness is killing me.

[stacy2]

Alright, I'm not making this any easier on myself. I HAVE to stop looking at his facebook. All I can see is his profile picture, his friends list, and when he adds new friends. He keeps adding all of these pretty girls and it's making me nauseous. I'm being pathetic. New goal: Get through this week without looking at his facebook. It's freaking hard, but I seriously need to stop doing this to myself!

[stacy2]

I'm talking to a new guy and I found myself getting really excited to hear from him today. I'm not as physically attracted to him as I was to my ex, but you know what? That's okay. I think my residual feelings for my ex are going to make it hard for me to be strongly attracted to anyone at this point. This guy is extremely witty and makes me laugh which is hugely important and I feel extremely comfortable around him. If anything, it's just nice to get out there and meet new people and get to know them. I talked to him on the phone today for two hours, the conversation was effortless. It was a reminder of how poor of a communicator my ex was at times and how frustrating it was on my end.

[stacy2]

Damn, I hate nights like these. I'm full of regret right now. It's been about two weeks since I last spoke with the ex, and there hasn't been one day during those two weeks where I haven't thought about the "what ifs"... what if I would have been open to giving it another shot? I know ultimately that the timing isn't the best right now, and it's good that we have this time apart, but he's been creeping into my mind WAY more than he should be at this point. I had a good night last night where I was so excited about the future and all the awesome opportunities I'm going to have ahead of me, and then tonight I'm back to feeling down about everything. It doesn't help that I was supposed to meet up with some girlfriends with the understanding that it was going to be a "girls night," and when I show up they are all there with their boyfriends/fiances/husbands. That's the first time it hit me that wow, I'm totally alone... in the midst of several lovey-dovey couples. I couldn't handle it and had to leave early, only to come home to my roommate and her boyfriend snuggling on the couch. Ugh, I seriously can't escape all the reminders of him and how much I miss having him in my life. Anyway, I'm just going to go for a run and hopefully that will lift my spirits. Tomorrow will be a better day, I'm sure of it.

 

There were reasons why I didn't want to try things again, I just need to stay strong and constantly remind myself of those reasons.

[stacy2]

So today is a new day.

 

After thinking about him so much I ended up having a really vivid dream about him last night. It was one of those dreams where I can remember it all perfectly and it felt so real. I woke up with my heart racing.

 

I'm convinced that him contacting me a few weeks ago and wanting to try things again is what is holding me back at this point. I feel like there were so many unknowns and missing pieces in this break-up that I had to fill them in with what I assumed to happen. I assumed he left for another girl, I assumed that she ended things, and I assumed that's why he came crawling back. I assumed it was an impulsive decision on his part and I assumed that I was just his fall-back girl. I've created all these worst-case scenario assumptions to protect myself and help myself move on, BUT what if he was really being honest with me about the reasons surrounding the break-up? What if he really did just need some time to sort things out and came back when he knew he was ready and I was the right one? What if he really is the one that I'm meant to be with and I ruined those chances? I'm hoping that as time passes all these questions won't matter anymore. My only regret was telling him that I was spending time with a new guy. His immediate response was "well, I don't want to cause any trouble for you then"... I shouldn't have mentioned that, instead I should have left the door open. That way, in time, I think I would have been able to see what his true intentions were and I wouldn't have all these what-ifs twirling around in my head. Now I'll never know, and I can't really go back at this point. As the dumpee, I don't want to contact him and pursue him. It needs to be the other way around, and I don't have a right to complain, because I HAD my chance and I ruined it. I was way too prideful and now I'll never know.

[Justnotsure]

Sorry to bust in on your journal, but I know what it is like to go through the healing process -- mainly, painful.

 

Was there a reason that you made those assumptions? Seems like maybe you had reasons that you may be forgetting now in the middle of the pain....

[stacy2]

^Justnotsure, thanks, I appreciate that reminder! You are completely right, I wish pain didn't have so much power over my mind sometimes!!!

 

So these past couple of days have been great as far as the ex goes. I would say instead of thinking about him 90% of the time, I'm down to about half that amount. I'm really trying hard to focus on other things. And it wasn't until recently that I've started to slowly accept that he is no longer going to be a part of my life or my future. It's hard to wrap my head around the thought that I may never see or even talk to him again, but I'm trying really hardto abandon the thoughts of him and I reconnecting in the future, and I have to say, it's finally starting to click.

 

One thing that has been helping me is I read something a couple days ago about narcissistic traits, and in retrospect, I realize I may have ignored or missed some huge warning signs. I wouldn't say that my ex has full-blown narcissistic personality disorder or anything, but he does have some characteristics. Every time I think about him now, I try to remember those characteristics and I realize that ultimately, I'm lucky to get away from that.

[stacy2]

Girls trip tomorrow baby!!!

 

Much needed.

[stacy2]

I drunk dialed the ex this past weekend in the middle of the night. After a night out, we got back to the hotel and all the girls I was with called their boyfriends/husbands, so of course I had the brilliant idea to call my ex. Thankfully he was asleep and when he called me back the next morning I didn't answer.

 

So now he knows that after ten weeks, I'm still not over him, and I guess that alone is making me feel really pathetic.

[Justnotsure]

Happens to everyone. Brush yourself off and start over.

 

Who cares what he does or doesn't think (I know - you do - but eventually you'll realize it doesn't matter). The only thing that matters is your healing process, and this isn't even a speedbump on your way.

 

Chin up.

[stacy2]

^Thanks you're right, it really shouldn't matter what he thinks!!!