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Do women ever compare their BF/Husband with past sexual partner


soporcogitavi
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Does this ever cross your mind?

 

This isn't really a gender-specific question. It's quite natural to compare, regardless of gender.

 

I think you need to remind yourself that your partner is with you not because you're necessarily the best person in bed she's ever had. She's with you likely because of 99% of the time she spends with you outside the bedroom.

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This isn't really a gender-specific question. It's quite natural to compare, regardless of gender.

 

I think you need to remind yourself that your partner is with you not because you're necessarily the best person in bed she's ever had. She's with you likely because of 99% of the time she spends with you outside the bedroom.

 

But we spend almost all our time in the bedroom, just jk.

 

I realize what all you are saying, but i think this is a common thing to think about or be slightly insecure about, isnt it?

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But we spend almost all our time in the bedroom, just jk.

 

I realize what all you are saying, but i think this is a common thing to think about or be slightly insecure about, isnt it?

 

Yes and no. It obviously crosses peoples mind - I have wondered before if I'm better than my fiance's previous partners - but I don't dwell on it and try to rationalize it like you are. Ask your SO! Sure, she could lie to you, but then to me that becomes an issue of do you actually trust her? I trust my fiance when he says I'm the best of all he has had.

 

To answer your question yes, we compare. But so do you men. Have you ever thought that she compares and finds you BETTER than her past ones?

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But we spend almost all our time in the bedroom, just jk.

 

I realize what all you are saying, but i think this is a common thing to think about or be slightly insecure about, isnt it?

 

I don't think so. I figure that if they're with me, they must like having sex with me.

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I think there is too much emphasis on sex and physical appearance in the world and that is why everyone is so insecure. I never see threads on here from men or women who are concerned about whether or not their partner's ex's were smarter, kinder, more generous, more caring, more exciting, more fun to be around, more interesting, had more to talk about etc etc. The comparison is always about sex and physical appearance.

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Because who wants to know the truth if it's going to hurt you? I don't know if my fiancé thinks his exs were better than me but I don't want to know because who in the world wants to hear yes, they are better than you??

 

So its better not to know, and be naive about it? Its like saying I dont want to know if my partner cheated on me or not, because I dont want to hear the answer.

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Honestly? I think it's naive to think you will never be compared to someone and to let it ruin an otherwise healthy relationship. Tell me, what good could possibly come from someone saying an ex was better than you? That's automatically going to instill doubt in you and ramp up that insecurity more. It's not your partners job to make you feel awesome and secure in your ability in the bedroom - that's yours. You have to be confident in your own abilities because honestly, that's what I compare most. Confidence.

 

Cheating however is different. It's an act done that betrays the trust of the relationship - how is an ex being better than you a betrayal?

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Honestly? I think it's naive to think you will never be compared to someone and to let it ruin an otherwise healthy relationship. Tell me, what good could possibly come from someone saying an ex was better than you? That's automatically going to instill doubt in you and ramp up that insecurity more. It's not your partners job to make you feel awesome and secure in your ability in the bedroom - that's yours. You have to be confident in your own abilities because honestly, that's what I compare most. Confidence.

 

Cheating however is different. It's an act done that betrays the trust of the relationship - how is an ex being better than you a betrayal?

 

Im comparing the notion of not wanting to know something, not the acts or the subject. Why is it normal for us to compare someone we had a ONS with to someone we have a solid relationship, isnt that flawed, it shouldnt even be close.

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This is the same kind of insecurity as displayed by some women who don't like to acknowledge or be confronted with the knowledge that her man may be looking/checking out other females although he is in a relationship.

 

It is really pointless to worry about either, since the simple truth is, your partner has his/her reason why he/she decides to be with you. It doesn't matter if someone else "is better than you in any particular singular characteristic", in the end all you need to do is trust that they have chosen you for specific reasons.

 

Don't ask questions if you can't handle the answer. If you think it will drive you nuts to know that your partner may have fleeting thoughts of a previous sexual partner, don't ask them if they do, because whatever the answer, you will not be happy and satisfied.

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This is the same kind of insecurity as displayed by some women who don't like to acknowledge or be confronted with the knowledge that her man may be looking/checking out other females although he is in a relationship.

 

It is really pointless to worry about either, since the simple truth is, your partner has his/her reason why he/she decides to be with you. It doesn't matter if someone else "is better than you in any particular singular characteristic", in the end all you need to do is trust that they have chosen you for specific reasons.

 

Don't ask questions if you can't handle the answer. If you think it will drive you nuts to know that your partner may have fleeting thoughts of a previous sexual partner, don't ask them if they do, because whatever the answer, you will not be happy and satisfied.

 

Again, why is it better to just not want to know something? Why is it normal for us to compare someone we had a ONS with to someone we have a solid relationship, isnt that flawed, it shouldnt even be close.

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Personally I don't have a problem with this. I am fully aware (and appreciative) of all the experiences my partner went through, because they made him into who he is today and who I am in a relationship with. If he has fond memories of some ex, no problem; I have my own memories of my past partners. I don't care if an ex was better in bed or better looking, because I am totally secure about him living in the presence and him having chosen me. I also don't have an issue with him mentioning good looking women, because I am aware and fine with the fact that there are endlessly many other good looking (better looking) women around, but I am also sure that he is not going to leave me as soon as one crosses his path.

 

However, most people have a real issue with dealing with those kind of realities. They like to believe (and need to believe) they are the most attractive person in the eye of their partner, the 'best lay ever' etc. If you are that kind of person, nothing good can come out of asking your partner if he/she is thinking exes or realizing there are other attractive people around. What is the possible outcome of posing such a question:

a) your partner can claim (rightfully so or not) that you are the most gorgeous person walking the earth and you are divine in bed equaled by none - if you are insecure about these things you are probably not going to believe your partner, thus you have nothing gained by asking this question

b) your partner admits that once in a while it happens that he/she remembers an ex or has seen someone who is more attractive - all hell will probably follow, because you will keep asking yourself if this means he/she is settling for you and secretly hoping to be with someone else

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Im comparing the notion of not wanting to know something, not the acts or the subject. Why is it normal for us to compare someone we had a ONS with to someone we have a solid relationship, isnt that flawed, it shouldnt even be close.

 

But you have to realize why the questions are being asked. Wanting to know if your being cheated on is a valid want... Wondering if your the best your partner has ever had is one of those loaded questions because there is no right answer. You are putting your SO in a spot they shouldn't be put in. And no, it isn't flawed. A one night stand is just sex, a relationship is more. But you aren't comparing relationships, you are comparing the sex of the relationships so it doesn't matter how long she was wit that person or in what context she was with them - she is only comparing sex.

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Do women ever compare their BF/Husband with past sexual partners?

Do men ever fantasize about having sex with some sexy actress or porn star or beautiful woman walking down the street?

 

At some level both types of comparisons (past-present and present-future) are natural to make. Monogamy is a social creation, not a 'natural' one, and I think the majority of us have to suppress the temptation to stray to some extent out of love and because they enjoy the benefits of monogamy: stability, trust, love, sharing a life together, childraising, etc.

 

If you have to feel like you're better-looking or better in bed than your partner's past and potential future lovers then monogamy is going to be a loooooonnnnggg, lonely and insecure road for you. There's always someone more attractive or someone who is/was more endowed or a better lover out there for your partner. With 6 billion of us on the planet, it's near mathematical certainty that no matter what their subjective tastes, there is likely someone in any particular category that your partner might want more.

 

But ideally they're with you for the whole package, not just for sex or looks--we've all seen how quickly a relationship based on sex and looks alone can fade--and their feelings for you enhance the physical attraction and sexual chemistry they feel for you.

 

Having a meaningless ONS doesn't really compare to having sex with a L-T partner who you love and feel safe with, I think back to amazing ONS's I've had and my memory of the sex is often colored by the awkwardness afterward and/or inability to connect on any other level. Similarly, some of the best-looking people in the world are shallow, high-maintenance, and sexually unimaginative. It's initially a 'high' to sleep with them, but during and even afterwards it can be so hollow and not worth it.

 

I'd encourage you to keep learning about your partner's likes and dislikes, maybe even experiment to spice things up a bit. No matter how good a ONS is they will never be able to know you and experiment with you the way a long-term partner can. Keep playing to your advantage! Your partner is with you for a reason. Try to enjoy what you have together and make it the best it can be.

 

Cheers.

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But we spend almost all our time in the bedroom, just jk.

 

I realize what all you are saying, but i think this is a common thing to think about or be slightly insecure about, isnt it?

 

Since there's nothing I can do about it to change it, I don't have that insecurity. I put a pretty decent amount of my faith in good solid education and comminucation, and if that doesn't work, meh.

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Of course we compare. I do it, I assume my partner does it too. But I don't go blabbing about it, like "oh my god you suck, my ex was much better, etc....". I don't think like that anyway.

For example, my current bf's penis is smaller than my ex's. Do I care about that? Heck no! It's another relationship, another person. I love him nonetheless. And he's satisfying me as well, it's just in another way. Usually when I compare, it's more along the lines of "hmmmm interesting, my ex did it this way or that way". Not so much in terms of better or worse.

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Having a meaningless ONS doesn't really compare to having sex with a L-T partner who you love and feel safe with, I think back to amazing ONS's I've had and my memory of the sex is often colored by the awkwardness afterward and/or inability to connect on any other level. Similarly, some of the best-looking people in the world are shallow, high-maintenance, and sexually unimaginative. It's initially a 'high' to sleep with them, but during and even afterwards it can be so hollow and not worth it.

 

I'll tell you how guys feel. They want to be the best in the eyes of their partners. Sexually, I mean. It is not enough for the woman to say "Oh my ex was much better in bed but I married you anyway". That makes the guy feel as if she settled for this boring guy when she understood that the player stud wouldn't settle down with her. This guy is the safe guy who would never excite her sexually. But that doesn't matter as long as he has a good job, has kids with her, pays her bills and so on. In short, he is just a means to an end.

 

Mostly I guess this is where the insecurity comes from.

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I'll tell you how guys feel. They want to be the best in the eyes of their partners. Sexually, I mean. It is not enough for the woman to say "Oh my ex was much better in bed but I married you anyway". That makes the guy feel as if she settled for this boring guy when she understood that the player stud wouldn't settle down with her. This guy is the safe guy who would never excite her sexually. But that doesn't matter as long as he has a good job, has kids with her, pays her bills and so on. In short, he is just a means to an end.

 

Mostly I guess this is where the insecurity comes from.

 

Sure there are indeed women who think like that...just like there are men who settle for the good girl next door who is not as sexually thrilling as the porn star type women they are used to dating. However, there are plenty of people who put sex into its proper perspective in a relationship and understand that porn star sex does not necessarily mean connection, love and compatibility. If a person assesses their self worth according to their sexual ability and how they compare to others, they are going to have an unhappy relationship because first and foremost they are unhappy within themself. A person who is truly in love with their partner is not going to give a damn about the sex they had with others....if they do give a damn that means they are not that into this relationship, and that is the bigger issue.

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It is not enough for the woman to say "Oh my ex was much better in bed but I married you anyway".

 

If a woman says that to her partner, I imagine she's either not into the guy, or she's deliberately trying to hurt him.

 

I would never dream of telling my partner OUT LOUD that another guy was better in bed than him. Not ever.

If I have problems with how a guy performs sexually, I would hope I handle it much differently and try to find another solution to the problem by communication.

Then again, who am I to judge? The guy might think I'm the worst lay he's ever had as well. But I sure would hope he's not going to say it to my face.

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