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Does an ex ever come back after they say they've moved on?


Jeffrey01
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Trust me, in my case I'm not expecting it, but I've wondered this. My ex said she'd 'closed the door' on me. Personally, I've never been the one to end a relationship, so I've always wondered how people can just say I'm done with you for life.

 

My ex did eventually contact me, but in the end, I really don't know why. There was some reminising, talk of having missed me, our dinner meet - which she initiated went great, but she went ice cold the following day. I'll never know what happened.

 

Anyway, I guess my question is just, how do some people just decide - I'm done with you.

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YA know, my ex told me one day to "Grow the f*** up" and also that she didn't want to speak to me for "at least two years". Not a month and a half later, she showed up at my door wanting to see me.

 

About a month ago, she told me "I'm done" and hasn't spoken to me since. Something about this time felt more final than that other time, but irregardless, people say a LOT of things they don't mean. Maybe they are, but just as they can say it now, they might regret it later.

 

My best friend's ex was in the Marines. He left her to go to Hawaii, and ended up getting married to some Hawaiian chick. Broke her heart. I still hate the bast*rd to this day for it. But anyway, he ended up getting divorced, and when he came back home after his stay in Hawaii as a divorced man, he of course called her up. Found out she had a new boyfriend who she's very happy with, and he basically flipped because he now wanted her back. SO.... moral of the story is... even if they move 1000 miles away and marry some random chick on an island, they could ALWAYS come back.

 

I don't believe in closing the door on other people, either. Sure, my ex is an idiot, but she's also an idiot I was madly in love with. If a few years down the line we could work out and the time was right... why not? *shrugs*

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I think they just say that stuff in the heat of the moment when they're upset, but over time, circumstances change, and their feelings about you can change as well! I think anything is possible... I try to look at my relationships with a positive attitude.

 

Have to agree with this.

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It's very possible. I think gumiibear hit it on the head. We all say many things in the heat of the moment but due to circumstances and time, feelings can change. With emotions, anything is possible. My ex told me she had moved on when we took a hiatus a couple of years ago. We eventually got back together a couple of months later. We can never truly understand why people do the things they do.

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Saying they moved on and actually moving on are two different things. Even though she may believe she moved on doesn't mean has. Will she come back? Only time knows that answer. All I know is everyone says that second chances rarely happen, so that means that people who have married most of them have never broken up not even once for in how many years before they were married. Sorry I'm not buying that at all. I think there are a lot more offers for second chances but the thing is most of the time the chance is offered the other has moved on. I believe that after a the first real breakup with space and NC (not 2 weeks breakups while talking everyday) there are more second chances offered than people realize. I've seen it happen a lot with friends and myself.

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Saying they moved on and actually moving on are two different things. Even though she may believe she moved on doesn't mean has. Will she come back? Only time knows that answer. All I know is everyone says that second chances rarely happen, so that means that people who have married most of them have never broken up not even once for in how many years before they were married. Sorry I'm not buying that at all. I think there are a lot more offers for second chances but the thing is most of the time the chance is offered the other has moved on. I believe that after a the first real breakup with space and NC (not 2 weeks breakups while talking everyday) there are more second chances offered than people realize. I've seen it happen a lot with friends and myself.

 

But you never felt that things were not quite the same, the second time around? That's how it's been in my experience -- maybe I just have bad luck, but I never felt that second chances ended up getting things quite "back" to how they were.

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I think they just say that stuff in the heat of the moment when they're upset, but over time, circumstances change, and their feelings about you can change as well! I think anything is possible... I try to look at my relationships with a positive attitude.

 

I agree with this! I also believe, that sometimes dumpers say certain things also for their own's sake. I mean, for most dumpers it's not easy either and it does hurt them, too, to leave someone they once loved and to know they are breaking someone elses heart. So saying things like "it's over for good" "I have moved on, etc." may be just a way to convince themselves they made the right choice and maybe they truly belived what they said at that very moment... but how often have I said or done things and really meant it, but over time changed my opinion and view on things... especially when strong emotions are involved it's easy to say things you may regret later.... I also believe, anything is possible...

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But you never felt that things were not quite the same, the second time around? That's how it's been in my experience -- maybe I just have bad luck, but I never felt that second chances ended up getting things quite "back" to how they were.

 

I only accepted one turn at a second chance and we lasted 4 years. My Friend and her ex broke up for a year with no contact and now they are married. Guess it depends on how much feelings are left or how bad the breakup was. There are times that the second chances, a lot of times it's because the dumpee is to wounded by the breakup to fully trust the dumper but that's why I'm saying that there are more chances second chances offered than people realize. Usually the dumpee has moved on by the time they come back.

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Lol,I live on the Big Island and I didnt get a marriage proposal by any Marine,but i'd more likely say no,not into military men and being second back-up. It is an inspiring story. I was wondring myself when mine said he never want to talk to me again,did he really mean it, its been months now. Always good to be positive

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I still can't figure out if I'm the dumper or the dumpee. I mean, if you drive someone to dump you, are you actually the dumper? Anyway, lol... the sad thing to me is, I really believe in my case and situation, that the second time around would be even more rewarding that the first, mainly because I'd have overcome my shortcomings (lack of commitment). In this case, it seems maybe she didn't believe me, or just didn't want to risk the chance. Ironic, since it was me who was afraid to take the risk the first time around.

 

Thanks for all the replies...

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Just some sharing, hope it helps =)

 

My ex-bf and I broke up two months ago, we broke up very "fiercely"....

This is the "real time" we break up... (we always fight & say "break-ups"....sigh.....)

At that time I was really really really desperate, and this pushed him further and further....

He said he didn't want to hear my voice ever again...& said we'd have no chance..

he said he'd never call me etc. etc . etc...

 

I went NC for about a month (really hard time, but rewarding =) ....really~ I've got myself back together, & reflected a lot)

But I miss him so badly.....I break NC at about day 40...

I texted him casually and he called back (we often text each other before we call so that we won't disturb each other ....our habits..=.=)

At first he just says something then wanna off the phone....

But then I try to talk with him.... (casually about Japanese earthquake..XD) & ask him about his schedule (so that I know when he's really free to think about the relationship)

We talked twice that day.....lightly and without any talk about the relationship.

 

Then ....the next few days I actually feel bad again (I feel the distance.....)

I keep wondering when to call again

Then my friend said, "if someone ever says break-up and wanna cool down, let him be. Ignore him then. Let him think about it. If you keep trying to reach out, he'd feel annoyed and that you're not worthy. Just let him be....."

 

I feel relieved....and tell myself:

If he moved on, then I should also move on a bit.....I can't be the old me.

Then I try to focus on myself and put my peace in God. I know that...I can't do anything "about him" now.

 

The push-pull theory works here

 

One week later.....I feel the push to call again...maybe just human nature, I miss him....and wanna text.

 

I texted him again....saying that I may call him that night.

 

That night, he replied, "I'm busy tonight, chat tomorrow" (He's always busy, one of our main problems is space.)

 

At that time, I feel....maybe he's "pushing me away" a bit.

If I were in the past, I would text him desperately...asking him why he didn't want to talk? or maybe just talk a while blah blah blah......

But then, I think, the best response to a "busy" person is NO RESPONSE...

so I didn't reply or call =)

 

Though I feel a bit sad, the next day after talking with someone, I get myself back again and....decide to move on again! (moving on is a process..)

 

"Miracle happens" that night.

 

Coz' in the relationship, usually it's me who "pulls" him back (e.g. by calling him after fights etc.).

 

And...since we've broken up, I don't expect he'd really call, right? (You don't necessarily keep the promise to call a "friend" just to chat casually at night, right?)

 

But then....when I REALLY DON'T CARE....

 

He called back at night. (While I'm in washroom....)

And more on that, in fact he texted me at 10:45pm to call him (saying "call me at 11 o'clock if you like..."), but I've missed the message....

Then he called me back at 11 o'clock...maybe wondering "why I don't call him"......

(i.e. seems like he'd like to "pull me back a bit to keep the distance"...)

 

And we have a casual chat again...=)

 

(Remember, he said he didn't want to hear my voice......?....haha...I dunno, maybe he'd just afraid that I may hurt myself if he doesn't call? But anyway....he calls when it seems to him that "I don't want to talk to him"...XDD)

 

Sorry to be long.......but guys...

 

take it easy. Human nature is so strange....that people often chase what they don't have......

 

 

And ....when break-ups, people say things out of emotions.

So....let there be space and time....for both of you to calm down.

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But you never felt that things were not quite the same, the second time around? That's how it's been in my experience -- maybe I just have bad luck, but I never felt that second chances ended up getting things quite "back" to how they were.

 

I think that reconciliations should be treated like new relationships. One shouldn't get back with the same person and expect that things will be back to how they were. I think that's why a lot of reconciliations don't work out. Expecting things to go back to the way they were is a sign that you haven't really changed or grown up during the time apart.

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what happens if after 6 years your bf dumps you and is immediately with someone else. says they are the same age, personality and easy going (i am 29 he is 43). he always thought i caused the problems when he caused trust problems from the start by saying he was somewhere and i would catch him out somewhere else and stuff like that all the time. also, whenever we fought he walked and i would run aftre him and make up, the times i walked he came back (max 8 days). so he is used to me making up and always being there. now i have gone NC its day 5 - when will he realise i have definitely gone and no longer on a string? will he bother missing me if he is with her?

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what happens if after 6 years your bf dumps you and is immediately with someone else. says they are the same age, personality and easy going (i am 29 he is 43). he always thought i caused the problems when he caused trust problems from the start by saying he was somewhere and i would catch him out somewhere else and stuff like that all the time. also, whenever we fought he walked and i would run aftre him and make up, the times i walked he came back (max 8 days). so he is used to me making up and always being there. now i have gone NC its day 5 - when will he realise i have definitely gone and no longer on a string? will he bother missing me if he is with her?

 

He won't start missing you for awhile, once the honeymoon phase of this relationship starts to fade away. Just because he misses you doesn't mean he'll want you back though.

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really thats weird, but my ex ssays he has found someone the same age like its important. i am mature for my age he isnt at all. i would have thought not being funny a guy of 43 would want a woman of 29? we matched on every level but he just couldnt communicate and i used to try to get him to and it was that he didnt like

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I think that reconciliations should be treated like new relationships. One shouldn't get back with the same person and expect that things will be back to how they were. I think that's why a lot of reconciliations don't work out. Expecting things to go back to the way they were is a sign that you haven't really changed or grown up during the time apart.

 

I agree. Every experience changes us as people, and if we really have taken the time to learn from these experiences, then it will show in our personality. A second chance with an ex should definitely be treated like a new relationship, where both of you start to get to know each other again. You have to take it slow and not rush anything.

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Trust me, in my case I'm not expecting it, but I've wondered this. My ex said she'd 'closed the door' on me. Personally, I've never been the one to end a relationship, so I've always wondered how people can just say I'm done with you for life.

 

My ex did eventually contact me, but in the end, I really don't know why. There was some reminising, talk of having missed me, our dinner meet - which she initiated went great, but she went ice cold the following day. I'll never know what happened.

 

Anyway, I guess my question is just, how do some people just decide - I'm done with you.

 

Because by the time they break up, they've been breaking up in their heads for some time...for them, the process is coming to an end, and for the Dumpee, it's just beginning. So to the Dumpee, it appears that they are just walking away, when in reality, they've been walking away in their minds for a while.

 

I think that reconciliations should be treated like new relationships. One shouldn't get back with the same person and expect that things will be back to how they were. I think that's why a lot of reconciliations don't work out. Expecting things to go back to the way they were is a sign that you haven't really changed or grown up during the time apart.

 

I couldn't possibly agree with this more. As I just posted on another thread, when my ex came back and asked me to try again, we spent the day talking and hashing out everything that had gone wrong between us before...asking every question we could think of...and at the end of it all, we agreed to let go of the past, and start fresh, and work together as a team this time to get through the rough spots.

 

And that is exactly what we are doing. It's been 5 weeks now since we reconciled, after 6.5 months apart, and we've hit a few bumps, but we always get through them with communication and understanding. It's not JUST about "getting them back"...it's also about repairing the damage that made things fall apart before.

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