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Life in the Driver's Seat


Seraphim

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My anxiety is so severe today. Ever since I fell if I go to get in my car to drive my eyes get so messed up ,my stomach stirs to flip and it feels like I'm going to pass right out. That's what happened today when I went to drive to the grocery store. I had to stop my car in the park and lay down on the seat for a bit. It happened again when I went to drive to choir practice. I took half a pill and now my eyes are working properly. So I know it is only anxiety. So I'm going to go back on my medication for a few weeks.

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They say that people with our affliction don't have a concept of growing old. Because we expect to die long before we get old. Yeah I guess so. I guess that's true. I certainly have done a lot of things that could've killed me 100 times over. And that's the point we do things ,extreme risk-taking that could cause death.

 

But I want to talk about something that I usually only mention in small ways here and there. Well I have spoken about the concept let's put it that way. The things I'm going to say now I've never spoken to another living person not even my counselor, my husband or my mom. No one. Suicide. I have had a very active fantasy life of how to go about that. It really kind of blew out of proportion in my 30's. Where I lived there was a place called "the mountain". It is not really a mountain but the escarpment. But it is certainly high enough to kill yourself if you drive off it. As I would drive up it or down it every single day almost quite often I would have vivid fantasies about just driving fast enough to fly off. The thoughts of my son would always hold me back. On really super dark days ,dark in my mind I would drive around drive to other cities and listen to songs about suicide and just cry and cry until there were no tears left.

 

Or I would have thoughts of what if I did this or that would I die?

 

Maybe that is why I have always thought of myself as old I don't know. Maybe because I had no concept of myself as old ,no concept of myself as young no concept really of myself at all.

 

 

But now I have reintegrated the concept of myself as young, I see myself now and I'm starting to wonder what I would be like old.

 

Steps in the right direction.

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So I have to get my backside to my volunteering. I don't want to but I have to. I should be able to do everything today anxiety free I took my medication when I woke up. It is so distressing to get into my car and when I love to drive and have my eyes get all messed up. It is like everything becomes all distorted. Everything is out of focus and all ripply. It is weird. Yet when I'm not having anxiety my eyesight is completely normal. However one cannot drive when you can't see properly. Once again fear is trying to stop me from having a life. I sure as heck am not taking that lying down.

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BIG HUGS. VIC. I had the exact fantasy when my son was young and I realised my marriage wasn't going to work no matter how hard I tried. I wanted to post about this before, but I have been worried to post it because I could elaborate more than you have just her, and I don't want to tell others how to do it. When my relationship with G ended, the first few days, I fantasised about gassing myself in my car. Thank God I didn't. It wouldn't have been worth it and probably would have killed my mother.

 

 

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BIG HUGS. VIC. I had the exact fantasy when my son was young and I realised my marriage wasn't going to work no matter how hard I tried. I wanted to post about this before, but I have been worried to post it because I could elaborate more than you have just her, and I don't want to tell others how to do it. When my relationship with G ended, the first few days, I fantasised about gassing myself in my car. Thank God I didn't. It wouldn't have been worth it and probably would have killed my mother.

 

 

Sent from my iPad using link removed

 

Hugs. Yeah my son and my mother that's what kept me in this world.

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I think I am talking too because it is better out than in. I have kept emotions in for 40 years. It has almost but destroyed my whole body. Keeping it in KILLS you I repeat KILLS you. You cannot be brave if you hide. Every time I release something big it feels like a 10 tonne brick has been lifted off my body.

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So yesterday my son after I told him I loved him ,he says ,"mom yeah I know that. You tell me that at least 100 times a day you don't need to say it anymore. I know you love me it is very evident." To which I had to reply to him," you are very blessed to have someone who tells you that they love you all the time. There are many people that do not know that their parents love them or get love from their parents. You get told you are loved and get shown you are loved. You are so blessed that you will never know that pain." To which he replied to me, "mom you are compensating. And sometimes you compensate too much. Just let it go. I know you love me. I am secure in that love therefore you don't need to overcompensate. "

 

How do 16 year old boys get so smart?

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Lol, kids act so tough but they love hearing it.

 

Every night after we read books, I look at my daughter and ask whether there is anything she'd like to talk about. She always goes "moooommmm... Why do you always ask me that?"

 

...and then she proceeds to pour her heart out to me. or just ask completely wacky and smart questions like "where does our hair come from?"

 

I remember when my 16 year old cousin passed away. I was 14. At the funeral her dad told my mom, through his tears, "you can never tell them you love them too often"

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So that couple that is a friend of ours the one having troubles with the crazy mother.... The guy he asked my husband to ask me to invite his wife to TGIF. Apparently if he asks her she won't go. If he asks her to do anything she won't go. He says if I ask her though she will go. But mind you all he really does is craft beer and hang around with his beer guzzling friends. They used to have couples friends like us now all he wants to do is hang out with the beer guzzlers. And when his wife gets really pissy then he wants to rely on me to ask her out.

 

No I'm not going in the middle of your marriage , thanks.

 

You allowed your bat shyte crazy mother to move in with you. Then you guys had fights about your bat shyte crazy mother. Then you threatened to send your wife back to her home country ,not a smart move. And now she tells me she doesn't love you anymore. You guys already got remarried after you divorced. No thank you I'm staying out of that mess.

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Tomorrow is sad day for me. The first of my Angel babies went to heaven Dec 15, 2001. And my beloved Siamese too, Dec 15, 1997.

 

Actually I was wrong there. I never get the month dates wrong but sometimes I mix the years up. My first one was May 15, 2002 and then this Angel in 2005 not 2001. I was thinking of the year of the first one.

 

So my official list.

My son Oct 1997

M/C 1. May 15 2002

M/C 2. Dec 15 2005

M/C 3. Liam May 22 2007

M/C 4. Catherine June 3, 2011

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