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Life in the Driver's Seat


Seraphim
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And I finally tracked down the individual bus company. What the tri board Consortium has done has put all kinds of bus companies together. And each bus company gets a piece of the pie. I finally tracked down the company and route number of my son's bus.

 

Hopefully the supervisor gets back to me or she might not like what I have to say on Twitter.

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Ha ha well now I finally found out what happened she got back to me. And I kind of left it open when I told her before they interview the bus driver that sometimes my son interprets things the wrong way and he has a communication problem. As it turns out two other students were swearing and causing a ruckus on the bus. And he really easily gets riled up if there's a disturbance. The bus driver tried correcting the behavior of the two students causing the ruckus. They got belligerent. And then he got belligerent with them. And those students got off the bus of their own accord. My son got off the bus of his own accord as well. So obviously we have to have a talk. No being a rebel without a clue. And tell me what actually happened don't make crap up.

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Uh oh. Good thing you didn't react and merely got the story.

 

What does cheese in the wind mean, did he call out your fart in public?

 

Hahaha. It is a local saying meaning he sold me up river and made me look stupid. Well partially made me look stupid. Because I didn't accuse anybody I just told his side of the story but said that he often gets things confused. But now he and I have to have a chat about the boy who cried Wolf. And about not selling your mother up the river.

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Well ,now I don't know what to believe. He's extremely adamant that it went the way he said it did. He stomped off to his room and slammed the door. He said "I can't believe you believe some lying cow ( the bus driver)over your son. And he slammed the door.

 

I guess I will just let him cool down.

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When I was sleeping last night I could feel anxiety. My sleep was disturbed. I was dreaming but I was completely aware that I was dreaming but that I was not fully in deep sleep. I know that sounds nuts but when my sleep is disturbed I'm always very aware that I'm not in deep sleep even though I'm dreaming. And in that state I can feel anxiety. I can feel it in my brain ,I can feel it in my body.

 

I have to be very aware of my balance going in and going out. I have to have reenergizing going in as well as energy going out. So tomorrow I'm not going to do the thing that I was going to volunteer to do.

 

This balance is very critical to my healing. Is very critical to my staying well. It is very critical to keeping me functional. And is very critical to keep my symptoms at bay.

 

I am important too. I am going to love myself enough to make myself important to myself.

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When I was sleeping last night I could feel anxiety. My sleep was disturbed. I was dreaming but I was completely aware that I was dreaming but that I was not fully in deep sleep. Oh, I have that too, lately. Comes and goes. Its like your sleep is on the surface, you sleep but it feels like you just lie there with your eyes closed, and I know how exhausting it is...

You did the right thing by staying home today.

Get well and take good care of yourself! You are important.

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When I was sleeping last night I could feel anxiety. My sleep was disturbed. I was dreaming but I was completely aware that I was dreaming but that I was not fully in deep sleep. Oh, I have that too, lately. Comes and goes. Its like your sleep is on the surface, you sleep but it feels like you just lie there with your eyes closed, and I know how exhausting it is...

You did the right thing by staying home today.

Get well and take good care of yourself! You are important.

 

Yes, feeling anxiety when I'm asleep and not really sleeping a good sleep is the first sign that my PTSD symptoms are going to get out-of-control. It only takes about two or three days for them to get out of control. And then I fall into a miserable pit of darkness where I see no hope or value in anything. I have fought very hard to come back from the break down I had a year and a half ago. It is all about balance. I have to keep balance in my life to be symptom-free or at minimal symptoms. I have never been good about balance in my life but it is something I am learning.

 

It is all about accepting the person that I am today and accepting that I have to keep my life in balance to be healthy. It is also about accepting that I now have limitations.

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Yes, feeling anxiety when I'm asleep and not really sleeping a good sleep is the first sign that my PTSD symptoms are going to get out-of-control. It only takes about two or three days for them to get out of control. And then I fall into a miserable pit of darkness where I see no hope or value in anything. I have fought very hard to come back from the break down I had a year and a half ago. It is all about balance. I have to keep balance in my life to be symptom-free or at minimal symptoms. I have never been good about balance in my life but it is something I am learning.

 

Oh... it feels like my thoughts exactly, and my struggles too. I had my first horror episode about 4 years ago, but then I was too busy to fully understand that you need time to heal before rushing to your bright future. And it was easier back then to just run through it and ignore the issue as much as possible in dear hope it will go away.

Then I had another strike 2 years ago, and all the hell broke loose. So now, two years after all that, I am also - just learning. Step by step.

 

When I was an Au-pair in one of my families in Germany, there was a girl of 9 years old, and we were sharing a pack or salty snacks with her one evening, the one where you have sticks and pretzels all mixed together. I was picking up pretzels and joking that it is very unfair that they have only like 10 there. She looks at me, and tells me in broken English "it is always like this in life - what you like will always be less and you will always need to search it" or something like that. Kids are so wise sometimes, its crazy.

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That they are , very wise. Sometimes they have a clarity that we have lost as adults.

 

Yes I had that coping skill as well. Keep running as fast as you can, ignore it and hope it will go away. Unfortunately that was my only coping skill. And when you have one coping skill eventually it will fail. But luckily through a lot of counseling I have a lot of others now. But sometimes even those skills stop working. So now I have to learn it's baby steps at a time and sometimes mental health break days are just absolutely necessary. Oh and acceptance lots and lots and lots of acceptance.

 

Life is a journey that goes a different paces at different times. Maybe one day I will get to a time where I don't need as many breaks. But for now my family accepts where I am today.

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My neighbor her husband has gone to the Arctic. She has use of their truck while he's in the Arctic. That woman hasn't been home since the day the guy left. She drops off her kids to school and then she goes out all day and then she picks them up from school. GOOD FOR HER!! She must feel such freedom!!! He keeps her like a slave 99% of the time.

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So yeah I am from now on calling my step dad just dad. He has been a great dad to me.For journal purposes I am calling my birth father, S. I will always call him dad in reality though. I am going to start calling my my step dad, dad in real life too. My mom said he would LOVE that. I called him by his first name for years and then when my son came along I called him " Papa" because my son and all the little kids call him "Papa".

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