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Life in the Driver's Seat


Seraphim

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My counselor gave me exercises to do. Written and mental exercises for when my thinking is more black-and-white. Yesterday we talked about the fact that I cannot even watch commercials of people begging for money. It doesn't matter what it is for, children animals whatever. The guilt is so severe it makes me feel physically sick. It is also the same when I see homeless people. It just makes me so sick with guilt that I can't help everyone. And she asked me what the thinking was behind that. And I said the fact that I'm not good enough. And she asked me if that however was realistic. She said what is the evidence for the fact that you're not good enough. What is the evidence for the fact that you are good enough.

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I just read the story of a child molester that got 145 years!!!!! OUTSTANDING ! Finally justice for some poor children. His victims were 2 to 6 years old. SICKO. How do you do that to a baby in diapers??? HOW????

 

My cousin C, she was molested from the time she was 12 months old to 13 years old. She is almost entirely non functional even after 12 years of therapy. She is a total wreck. She will never recover.

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I really hope we do not get posted out. I do not want to be 3000 miles from home. I would not be able to see my mom. My son also said he would not come with us but move in with Nana. Not going to happen of course. He is too young and he is coming with us. I could not lose my mom AND my baby. NOT happinin. But hey I took off on my mom when I was 18 and flew accross the country and back to where I want to go and thumbed my nose at her and said screw you I am not following you. Then I flew back home some weeks later. Then I took off again when I was 19 or so. Of course she could not stop me because I was a legal adult. But she was terrified for me. I was a rebel without a clue. I know my son would come with me. He would have no choice because I know my mom would not keep him if I wanted him with me. She knows all too well what it feels like to have someone steal your kids. Her mom tried to keep me when I was 4 and my mom almost had to call the cops on her own mother. She talked her to her dad and said, " dad if she does not release my daughter and put her on that plane to come home to me I am calling the police. So do something dad because she is crazy and I mean it. She CAN NOT have my daughter. Give me my daughter back." My grandpa put me on the plane himself. My grandmother had a nervous break down and went to visit her brother in Quebec for 4 months.

 

And then my dad stole us from our mom to manipulate her into coming back to him. She said that almost killed her for sure. She talked to lawyers who called her a stupid ass for sending us out to visit him and told her the only thing she could do was show up with her custody paper and the police and have my dad thrown in jail. She did not want to do that. So she went back to him.

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The food at the dance last night was really good. The music however sucked. It was all young kid dance stuff that only had one beat. And the beat was boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom. I thought I was going to go deaf. After all the prizes were declared we left at 10:30. My husband never drinks when driving and only has one drink at the most any other time. I had two glasses of wine and then I was done. Watching people get absolutely hammered and dance to stupid music was not going to be our idea of a good time.

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