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Life in the Driver's Seat


Seraphim

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So it is like an "on call" thing, sort of?

 

Well ,they all have to go on courses to be operationally ready. They are given refresher courses in their weapons. They have to do the battle fitness test. They have to go to briefings to tell them what to expect for whichever place they're going to. They have to go over what they do in case they are captured or if they take people captive. Things like that.

 

And then they are considered ready and then they can be put on little as two hours notice to leave. Where to I have no idea.

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I'm glad!

 

I have a confession to make...I got really fed up with the blanket I was trying to make for my son. I have taken it apart 3 times and now I'm looking to do a different kind of pattern...But I really wanted him to have a crocheted blanket in his crib, so...(look at all those teeth marks).

 

 

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Today at work they were talking about childhood happy memories of Christmas. I felt kind of left out. I only have one happy childhood Christmas memory. The rest of my childhood Christmas memories and my teenage Christmas memories are just really sad.

 

One that is particularly sad was when I was five years old. We had just moved to Vancouver. And so my mother's parents came to see us for Christmas. I was so terribly excited to see them and I woke up early and ran into my parent's room where my grandparents were sleeping. They were so excited to see me too. But my dad thought he'd be a "big man." He screamed at me for waking up my grandparents and then smacked the tarnation out of me. My mom was sobbing and trying to get him to stop. Grandmother was sobbing. And my grandfather was angry. And me, well, I was brokenhearted. I remember that year I got a Lite Bright for Christmas. My grandfather spent forever and a day playing that with me all day. When we ran out of the pictures that came in the box he drew me his own pictures. He was a good artist in fact both my grandfathers were and my brother has inherited that talent.

 

Much of our Christmas holidays were actually spent crying and unhappy. My father hated Christmas and still does to this day. In our teenage years all he would do would be curse, swear and throw things and picking out of the tree and putting it up and decorating it would be such a misery we would most often just end up crying and leaving.

 

I only have one good childhood memory of Christmas. And that was with my stepdad Gordon.

 

So that is why I try to make my son's Christmas special and magical as possible especially when he was small.

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You'd die for your own kids but you don't expect your parents to die for you?

 

Besides, your parents are older. They've had more time on this planet.

 

I would die for no one.

 

My life is just as important as theirs.

 

Ask me when I'm 90 and I might change my stance.

 

I know 100% my mother would die for me. My dad probably not. My dad is far too selfish and crazy. But my parents aren't that old they're only in their 60's.

 

I know my husband would die for me.

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I also have to be sure to take vitamin D every day. I didn't take it for a few days there and I was bawling all day for absolutely no reason. I just cannot take no sun. I'm afraid in that way I'm like my father. I was reading more about seasonal affective disorder and people with bipolar seem to be more affected by it so that would make sense for my dad. But also too there is a familial component. I have found that my brain is actually chemically more like my father's than my mother's. My father's brain is very easily affected by medications as mine is. My son is the same as well. However my son does not seem to be affected as much or if at all by the lack of sun. In the winter I have to take advantage of every single ray of sun or I am just a sobbing hot mess on a daily basis. I was never like that as a child but only like that as I get older. I would say by the time I hit my 30s I was like that.

 

So it is reminder to pick up vitamin D today.

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And they say the treatment for that during the winter is antidepressants just so not happening! I will take vitamin D and get sun thank you very much. I took Zoloft an antidepressant and became an absolute raving nutcase. That crap almost killed me. I couldn't see properly I had tunnel vision. I was so agitated I couldn't stop pacing night and day and night. I was hallucinating. It felt like 1000 bees were buzzing in my head. And I didn't sleep for almost 20 days. Yeah no ,I am not ever repeating that experiment.

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My mom said the core of who I was changed around the time I was 13. That from that point on I was always different. She can never really explain to me how I'm different but just that I'm different not who I was meant to be. That I became a much more closed and difficult person. She said you were always very high strung even from the time you were tiny infant but you just became different. When you were small I used to be able to settle you no problem. After you were 13 I just couldn't reach you and help you anymore. You turned off and shut everybody out. And I never saw the essence of what was YOU again. You pushed away all my attempts to comfort you and get close to you. And you did that with everyone else as well.

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But if you think about it mom in 18 months I lived a very hard life. You and Gordon broke up and we went from BC to Ontario. I lost another dad yet again. I left my home. I left all my belongings except for my clothing. I left behind my beloved dog. And I left behind all my friends. Then eight months later my grandmother died in my arms. And two months after that you sent me back to Vancouver to spend time with my dad. Then our father kept us there kept us away from you. For months his brother raped me. We were severely neglected ,starved and picked on. And then he enrolled us in school so we had lost our friends yet again. And we had lost our belongings once again. And we had lost our mother too. Do you see all the loss there?? Do you see the devastation?? I had to emotionally protect myself. Nobody was protecting me. Everybody made the dumbest ass decisions they could've ever made in their life. I had to protect myself from your decisions. So my shutting down and turning off and rejecting your help was a way of protecting myself. I guess from that point on I no longer trusted your decisions.

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What was a child to do? Yes, CHILD I was a CHILD. No matter how grown-up or mature you thought I was I was a CHILD. I was not to blame for any of that. And nor can you blame me for turning off ,tuning out and shoving away. You guys just really need to own your own crap.

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Yes ,mom you were really good mom in ways and not in other ways. You didn't have the life experience or the sense to know your ass from your elbow when you got married and had children. That is just a fact you were too young and didn't have the life experience or the decision-making skills necessary. And I know you get mad when I say that but a lot of your decisions bare out that fact. All we did was whirl about from one catastrophe to another until you were about 45 years old. I'm not saying all of your decisions were bad ones because obviously they weren't. But some very critical decisions you made really piss poor ones. And I know you don't like hearing those things. And I know you don't like any concept of failure. But for you to own any of this you just have to face up to it.

 

And I do love you mom and I'm not blaming you I am just stating facts.

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And I know mom you did the best with what you knew ,what you had and in the circumstances of the time. And I can totally appreciate that you're a different person today. Because you're older, have more life experience ,have a way calmer life and a spouse that is supportive.

 

And I am sorry for cutting you off the other day when you went to say you're proud of me. I know I cut you off in midsentence and changed the topic. For whatever reason I see that as an intimate kind of gesture and I'm not ready for it. Right now all I'm ready for is people owning their respective parts of the mess.

 

Being intimately close to people on an emotional level is extremely new to me. Since I was 13 years old the only person that I have been extremely close to on an emotional level is my child and that is it. And I am trying to branch out. I have been doing a lot of branching out in that regard in the past few months. So just let me go out my own pace. Let me learn to trust people again at my own pace.

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