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Life in the Driver's Seat


Seraphim
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Yesterday in church we met a couple who are from our home. I have been looking at them a while when I see them thinking I know them but I did not where from. I have lived in so many places in my life it could be from any place. Yesterday they were seated in front of us. Finally the fellow turned around after Mass and said to my husband "were you an officer in.....unit in.....?" "Yes" " Oh well I am.... and we were in the same unit together." They moved here 7 years ago when this fellow went Reg Force. His wife said to me" I remember moving to this pit in the known universe 7 years ago. I remember knowing no one. It sucked SO much. We should all get together." It was SO nice to see someone from home.

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"You're so mean when you talk about yourself; you were wrong.

Change the voices in your head; make them like you instead.

So complicated, look happy, you'll make it

Filled with so much hatred, such a tired game.

It's enough; I've done all I can think of.

Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same.

 

Woah ohh, pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel

Like you're less than perfect.

Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel like you're nothing,

You're perfect to me. "

 

That is what I am looking for someone to feel about me.

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Yay! My son has chosen a name for his Confirmation.... the Arch Angel Michael. I told him it is a fine name, and a very noble choice for God's warrior Angel.

 

It is also my brother's middle name. So he has my brother's first name as his first middle name and my brother's middle name as his Confirmation name. So happy about that.

 

His dad wanted him to pick the Patron Saint of England after his Confirmation name but my son has no real link with the UK.

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I hate dreaming most of the time I really do. I had the scariest dream last night. For whatever reason I was in this very old fashioned dress, like circa 1700`s. I was trying to beat off this demon who was licking and nibbling my flesh he could get to.Then he started ripping my clothes and his intent was clear. I was screaming in my dream and shoving him away. I woke at about 1:30 AM screaming and my heart pounding and breathing hard.

 

Then when I went back to sleep I had a dream my mother pushed me out a window of a house and was prepared to let me fall and die.

 

I hate night time.

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Oh, that's just awful.

 

I had a dream last night that I was at some kind of huge conference and all my classmates from high school were there. Someone started mocking me over the speakers and the crowd started cheering. I tried to defend myself and they booed me. It sucked.

 

Do you often have suck scary dreams Victoria?

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Wow we really are shaped by experiences. Hm, I just CAN NOT re shape my version of what a friend is. I would dearly love to. There are things people include that I would love to include but I just can NOT bring down that barrier. I can not even get to thinking about trying to do it. I fear that wall may be forever. Wow, that is depressing.

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I have violent dreams, but never any including my parents wanting to kill me. If someone wants to kill me it's usually this external deamon or monster. They are never human beings I can recognize or especially not my family. That is scary!

 

I have a lot of dreams recently where I realize I am dreaming. Sometimes I try to wake myself up purpousely. That never goes anywhere though. I usally have this weird cycle where I dream that I am waking up. The only time I manage to wake myself up is when I kill myself in my dreams, but I can't consciously put myself in that type of situation.

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I have violent dreams, but never any including my parents wanting to kill me. If someone wants to kill me it's usually this external deamon or monster. They are never human beings I can recognize or especially not my family. That is scary!

 

I have a lot of dreams recently where I realize I am dreaming. Sometimes I try to wake myself up purpousely. That never goes anywhere though. I usally have this weird cycle where I dream that I am waking up. The only time I manage to wake myself up is when I kill myself in my dreams, but I can't consciously put myself in that type of situation.

 

Yeah, those kinds of dreams really suck. One comes particularily to mind. One where my father tried to cut my heart out with a knife. I could feel him cutting through my chest and pulling my heart out and I watched it beat in his hands and he was laughing and said I deserved it. That one woke me screaming too.

 

People try to kill me every night in my dreams. Mostly they are people I do not know.

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Has your son ever tried to kill you by any chance? (Not that it's funny by any means, just curious)

 

My son, no. When I dream of him I dream that he is lost and I can not find him and I am in utter panic or people are trying to kill him and I am trying my utmost to save him and offer my life for his.

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Yup. I would DIE if I lost my son. That is it. Done finished. Throw me in his casket alive, I do not care. I know I would never survive his loss and probably die myself from a broken heart. No person has ever meant more to me and nor ever will.

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I HATE being emotionally vulnerable. It is the thing I HATE most in life. I just want to slam those brick walls up fast and never let people past them. I always regret letting them down. I do not know where the regret comes from. Fear? Anger? Resentment? Broken trust? My own messed up sense of expectations? Probably all of it. Whatever it is I am just in "back off " mode.

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Hold on

Hold on to yourself

for this is gonna hurt like hell

Hold on

Hold on to yourself

you know that only time will tell

What is it in me that refuses to believe

this isn't easier than the real thing

My love

you know that you're my best friend

you know I'd do anything for you

my love

let nothing come between us

my love for you is strong and true

Am I in heaven here or am I...

at the crossroads I am standing

So now you're sleeping peaceful

I lie awake and pray

that you'll be strong tomorrow and we'll

see another day and we will praise it

and love the light that brings a smile

accross your face

Oh god if you're out there won't you hear me

I know that we've never talked before

oh god the man I love is leaving

won't you take him when he comes to your door

Am I in heaven here or am I in hell

at the crossroads I am standing

So now you're sleeping peaceful

I lie awake and pray

that you'll be strong tomorrow and we'll

see another day and we will praise it

and love the light that brings a smile

accross your face...

Hold on

hold on to yourself

for this is gonna hurt like hell

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When I got up this morning I was thinking about my husband's proposal so long ago, 21 years ago. How he proposed with no ring but just on spur of the moment because he felt I was so glorious and sweet and kind.It was not really romantic at least traditionally,but it was heart felt in the moment, like him. It was just so him. I thought it was the sweetest thing. I still remember the place, I hope that tree is still there.

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