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sadchick83

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Well I guess his nervousness said it all...he should have just said "I didnt use them."

 

Like I said they were not in a pocket of the wallet, just placed inside. He did a bit of a nervous giggle. Anyway, like Oneirout said...you dont buy cat food when you dont have a cat.

 

Well , whatever, he can bust through his Trojan large lubricated domes tonigh!

 

He could've not said "I didn't use them" because he figured you wouldn't believe him anyway, because he thinks it's impossible to prove anything to you due to your paranoia. I take the passive approach in a relationship when trying to avoid conflict with a conflict-prone person, not because I have something to hide.

 

So me, and Longview01, and greywolf, and other people from your other topic about this who keep condoms in the wallet anyway, we just buy catfood when we don't have a cat? That's too many people to be "exceptions", maybe that's the rule. People who have been agreeing with me have been guys (and greywolf), while people who have been saying "guys do this" or "guys don't do this" haven't been guys. Maybe more guys keep condoms in their wallet anyway than not, have you considered this? Maybe when they replace them they're too lazy to put them in a pocket right away.

 

Like I said before, if you end it with him, it should be over the fact that you aren't that into him and feel like you're settling (which was apparent from how you talked about him before), and don't like being around dust on belongings from construction. It should not be due to the condom incident.

 

Did you explicitly agree to not have sex with other people, by the way? Sometimes things get lost in translation and what you think was explicitly agreed upon was only implied. Most guys don't respond well to hints, btw.

 

I never copy pasted anything from a psych textbook, what I said comes from experience in helping friends deal with mental illness. I'm also an ex-hypochondriac who had a few anxiety attacks in my late teens, and cognitive neuroscience became a hobby of mine as a result.

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- They were reconciling.

- Agreed to not date others - let alone have sex!

- They were intimate.

- The condoms are NEWLY bought and were not placed in the wallet a few weeks ago.

- His reaction was like Oneironaut said "Busted".

 

Would anyone in a relationship go buy condoms when they don't use them? I can't come up with any meaningful reason. The experiences posted are just different from the OP's situation. I would have partially agreed with the other posters ONLY if the condoms were old. But they are fresh. Why would he bother buying them if he is with her and they don't use condoms? For his friends? It would be so lame because just like he bothered to buy them, they could buy for themselves as well. Also, an innocent person would automatically say "Don't get me wrong. I did not do anything. They are OLD and removing them haven't been on my mind". He would have tried his best to explain it to her, but he gave up right away and went silent for days which proves it is true and he had no excuse to come up with. Plus, it is so natural for anyone to worry or have a gut feeling, but that doesn't mean the person is overly paranoid and you can never judge from posts only.

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We discused our status every week. He assurred me there was no one else, and that he wasnt looking.

 

I am not feeling so good today...I guess it is all sinking in. The funny thing is he initiated most of the contact in the last few months. I let him know how I felt- that I wanted to try again and he agreed.

 

It will be the first Saurday night in months I will not be with him...I wonder, any guy cheaters out there???...do you think he is even sad about this? SO far all I got was one voice mail mentioning I left my shirt at his house and one missed call on Thursday.

 

You would think he would leave a voicemail. I am not confrontational at all...I have never raised my voice, never sworn at him, nothing-- so he could communicate with me...

 

I guess he is out using his condoms, and I am home too upset to do anything.

 

Life certainly isnt fair lately....And I really think he should come to me....apologize, do something?!!?

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So it was IMPLIED that you wouldn't have casual sex with other people, you only agreed not to date other people?

 

Honestly, I think this outcome is for the best, because it's more fair than if you had continued a relationship where you feel like you're settling. By the way, the call mentioning you left a shirt at his house could've been a hint that he wants you to come over and talk.

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You know Iaka, at this point, although I disagree with your assessment of me....you are probably right--that is the best thing that happened. It just stings like hell right now. And, I since I was not "keeping my options open" I have no one lined up right now. Not that I want anyone, but he has his condom women, and way more friends to go out with than me.

 

Im just having a pity party right now...and I just cannot speak to him. My Dad is very ill, and I am spending the day at my parents cleaning their house and fixing some plumbing. A cheating man and a suicidal father are a little much for someone to deal with in the space of a week!

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It will be the first Saurday night in months I will not be with him...I wonder, any guy cheaters out there???...do you think he is even sad about this? SO far all I got was one voice mail mentioning I left my shirt at his house and one missed call on Thursday.

 

You never actually found any real evidence of him cheating

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Hmmmm....Longview, its like you finding a guy's boxer shorts under your girl's bed covers....knowing she lives alone only does the laundry once every 2 weeks. Oh, and they were not there last weekend.

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CHeating and intending to cheat are the same thing when you are trying to rebuild a relationship. The relationship is extremely fragile, and before the discovery, I truly believes he wasnt interested in anyone else-because that's what he told me.

This same guy would freak out if I want out for lunch with a successful lawyer and not pick up my phone ten times. He peaked when I went out with my sister to a female strip club...I never cheated. Actually, he warned me when we first went out that there might be an old condom in his truck. He was actually sensitive to this kind of thing These were fresh, new and deliberately placed in his wallet.

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CHeating and intending to cheat are the same thing when you are trying to rebuild a relationship. The relationship is extremely fragile, and before the discovery, I truly believes he wasnt interested in anyone else-because that's what he told me.

 

This. If he was truly dedicated to you guys working on reconciliation,he wouldn't have had an immediate "just in case it doesn't work out and I want to get laid right away" back-up plan. It shows that he either wasn't very dedicated towards working things out, or he was actually very doubtful that they would.

 

I know how much you have endured from this guy...allow yourself to wallow for a while in feeling betrayed, there is nothing wrong with that. But I also know you're a great person, and you have a lot to offer a man. You can do so, so much better than this.

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This. If he was truly dedicated to you guys working on reconciliation,he wouldn't have had an immediate "just in case it doesn't work out and I want to get laid right away" back-up plan. It shows that he either wasn't very dedicated towards working things out, or he was actually very doubtful that they would.

 

I know how much you have endured from this guy...allow yourself to wallow for a while in feeling betrayed, there is nothing wrong with that. But I also know you're a great person, and you have a lot to offer a man. You can do so, so much better than this.

From his point of view, she's lost interest multiple times, including this time, without him cheating. I'm gonna use this method to test if a girl really wants me for me and trusts me or not. Leave my wallet out with condoms. If she freaks out and dumps me over it, and I was faithful, then she doesn't deserve me. Then I'm gonna go on message boards and write how girls dump faithful guys and it's unfair. I'm kidding about that last part, but try to think of it from a guy's point of view and how many guys got dumped like that that didn't even cheat, and how much it must hurt for them.

 

I don't understand why people are trying to make someone who didn't even cheat look like some sort of a villain when sadchick wasn't even that into him and felt like she was settling for the construction dust that she didn't like. Did she even tell him that she felt like she was settling for him? Probably not, because that's not something most people would admit to someone they're dating. If she did tell him, props to her for being honest.

 

I am all for healing and moving on, but it shouldn't be at the expense of another person, thinking how bad they are and stuff. Thinking "we are not compatible" and internalizing it is the best way to move on, in my opinion, it's dignified and does not defame the other person. I know from experience, because I've talked bad about exes in the past, and I recently realized that every time I did that, a little part of me died inside without me even noticing, that's why I wanted to stop.

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I think Sadchick proved on numerous ocassions that she was "into him". She gave him the opportunity to be in a committed relationship. It wasn't "inferred" or "hinted" they not sleep with other people. There was no reason to buy condoms. Besides, should I point out that condoms come in 3, 6 or 12. What happened to #3? Oh, is that the one he bought for his friend??? What man in his mid 30's buys condoms for his friends? My 17 year old son buys condoms for his friends because they don't have the balls to buy their own. His friends also carry condoms in their wallet that will fall out in front of people so their friends will all think they all "get some" when in actuallity they aren't. I don't know men in their mid to late 30's who still practice this behavior.

 

Oneironaut, I absolutely loved the comment "men who don't don't own cats don't buy cat food".

 

To the guy that called Sadchick schizo and paranoid, I get the feeling you're taking this all a bit personal. The advice you're giving Sadchick is more than a bit harsh. Labeling her with a mental illness is not remotely appropriate or accurate.

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I'm gonna use this method to test if a girl really wants me for me and trusts me or not. Leave my wallet out with condoms. If she freaks out and dumps me over it, and I was faithful, then she doesn't deserve me.

 

I've got an even better idea. Why don't you just jump straight to labeling every girl you date "Schizophrenic" or "Paranoid" and when they freak out, you should totally dump them because they obviously don't deserve you.

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I'm gonna use this method to test if a girl really wants me for me and trusts me or not. Leave my wallet out with condoms. If she freaks out and dumps me over it, and I was faithful, then she doesn't deserve me.

 

Would you really risk doing such a thing? I mean, from the girls point of view, could anyone really blame her for questionning whether or not she should trust you when the last thing she was expecting to find in your wallet were condoms, especially when the two of you together didn't use them? My boyfriend and I don't use condoms and I would most definitely not be expecting to find them in his wallet. If I did, would I really be such a bad person to then develop trust issues? Admittedly, I would not feel the need to look in his wallet in the first place. This indicates that sadchick already had other reasons to mistust him other than the condoms alone.

 

I don't think you would ever really risk doing such a thing for fear of the implications but if you did then this would show as much of a mistrust in her as she may then have in you and you would be no more worthy of her than she is of you.

 

I don't understand why people are trying to make someone who didn't even cheat look like some sort of a villain when sadchick wasn't even that into him and felt like she was settling for the construction dust that she didn't like. Did she even tell him that she felt like she was settling for him? Probably not, because that's not something most people would admit to someone they're dating. If she did tell him, props to her for being honest.

 

I do agree that we can't really be 100% sure whether he had any intention on sleeping with someone else (or whether he actually did indeed sleep with someone else) but, to that extent, neither can we say he didn't. We don't really know ALL that what went on in their relationship and despite what may or may not have been said in the past they had nevertheless decided to reconcile and with that in mind all we can do is give her as honest an opinion as possible as to why we think he might have new condoms in his wallet. If its not something we would expect to find in our own partners wallets we can only relate that to this situation.

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This sucks, I know.

You are just going to have to feel all those bad feelings for now and find some kind of outlet to cope.

 

What helped me was being around my friends.

Anything to distract myself.

 

What I did after a bad breakup is take a road trip with my friend.

Just to get away.

 

can take a trip somewhere? Even for a weekend.

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