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sadchick83

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Hello, I am new to this forum.

 

So its been 2 days since I caught my guy ( not sure what to call him since he was my ex who agreed to reconcile) with condoms in his wallet.

 

Since we don't use condoms and had been discussing our status weekly-- we were trying again without bf/gf title, but not seeing other people. We did our own thing during the week, but met up on Saturday nights for the last few months. We spent Christmas and NYE together-- which was with his family.

 

I guess my biggest issue is that I was fooled. We were seeing each other more often, renting movies and retuning them unwatched because of great conversations. We were getting along very well...He was being tender and sweet in a way that appeared to be genuine. He said he had no interest in other women and did not go out to the clubs. He also said "you are worrying about nothing." "It is this type of worrying that caused issues while we were a couple."

 

I calmly asked about the condoms, but kept my cool and left his place.

 

I am basically back to square one with break up upset- back to the sleeping pills, the inability to concentrate at work, the shivering, etc. And, except for a nervous voice mail he left me about a shirt I left at his house, he hasnt tried to call.

 

I feel very frustrated because I cannot keep this bottled up- I cant even tell my sister or mother about this because it is far too embarassing. And, as pathetic as it is, I want him to call....I want him to do something!

 

Anyone out there a few steps ahead of me ? What emotions do I have to look forward to???

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He hasn't done anything or said anything because there isn't anything he can do or say. If you don't use them then there is no need for him to have them. He has no excuses so he would rather say nothing.

 

You will have a lot of emotions to work through. Heartache, anger and frustration being the main ones. For me, I found frustration to be the worst emotion because it made me feel anxious, like I wanted to do something or wanted something to happen yet there is nothing you can do or make happen. You will work you way through this. I know it is a cliche but time is a great healer.

 

Incidentally, what did he say when you confronted him about the condoms?

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Thanks for the comments....He said (while coming out of the shower) "There are condoms all over this house." Odd thing to say since he just bought his house and his mom, who is 53 I believe lives with him with her new husband. I doubt she uses them??

 

A few years ago, his mom, who is on disability, used to clean hotel rooms and brought him bags full of condoms...but that was another house..and a few years earlier. But I guess this is the first thing that popped into his head. The condoms were 2014 expiry- fresh from the Trojan factory.

 

He mentioned something like: "Ive been seeing you at least once a week." "You are blowing this out of proportion " and "I would confront you just like you are confronting me"

I guess it was best for him to agree with my questioning.

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let it go hun...one thing i learned, if someone is gonna mess around, theyre gonna do it regardless of relationship status. guys are very one-track minded (sorry boys) so if you two are "seperated" and not official, they see it as *Pass Go and Collect $200* type of deal lol. Like stated above ^^ you guys dont use them, answer is pretty simple as to why he has them, maybe he hasnt used them YET....possibly he has them for a just-in-case scenario. especially since he has not made much effort to prove you otherwise. you can either take what u can get from him, or just worry about you now. guys love having a back-up plan in case stuff goes wrong, hence why so many try to remain "friends" after the BU. and also hence why people should just leave the past in the past.

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I guess my biggest issue is that I was fooled.

 

No, you weren't.

 

You trusted someone you cared about. The fact that he ended up being a douchenut is HIS thing to own, not yours.

 

Tap into your support system, buy ice cream, and let yourself feel what you feel. I would not alienate from your Mom and sister. They will most likely really surprise you.

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I feel very frustrated because I cannot keep this bottled up- I cant even tell my sister or mother about this because it is far too embarassing. And, as pathetic as it is, I want him to call....I want him to do something!

 

After taking away your trust, I'd say there's nothing more he can do to bring that back, since it's the glue that holds a relationship together. Since you gave it your best shot, don't second guess yourself, and never settle for a cheater.

 

Be good to yourself...

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Are you sure he cheated on you? He could have put them there while you two were broken up and then never bothered to take them out.

 

I started carrying condoms in my purse the day I turned single. I'm definitely not having sex though.

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Thanks Greywolf, ...they were fresh, perfect corners,not some old soggy ones, and they were not in a pocket, just "folded" in. So if he had dropped his wallet on the floor, they would fall out.

 

You think he would have said they have never been used, but he didn't. The intent to cheat was there buy purchasing/carrying them. Its the same as cheating in my book. And we have been "trying again" since October. For the last 2 months or so he said he wasn't seeing/interested in anyone else.

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"There are condoms all over this house."

 

"Ive been seeing you at least once a week."

 

"You are blowing this out of proportion " and

 

"I would confront you just like you are confronting me"

 

What kind of explanation is that? I'm not sure any of that justifies why he actually had condoms in his wallet!! And how, when all you did was to ask him why he had condoms in his wallet, is that blowing things out of proportion? You stayed cool and calm and acted with dignity even though he gave you no logical explanation at all.

 

Are you sure he cheated on you? He could have put them there while you two were broken up and then never bothered to take them out.

 

I started carrying condoms in my purse the day I turned single. I'm definitely not having sex though.

 

I would think that whether or not he had sex when they were broken up the first thing he (or anyone) would have done would have been to take them out of his wallet if he was seriously attempting a reconciliation.

 

The fact that they were in there at all and that he has managed to cleverly offer up no valid explanation at all says to me that, even if he hasn't cheated on you yet, the intent was indeed there. Plus, shouldn't he, if he was really serious about you, called you by now, frantically explaining why the condoms were in there and how silly it was that he forgot they were there etc ... anything to prove that it was just a misake or misunderstanding and that he really wants to be with you?

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Honestly, if my ex and I got back together, or I met someone else, I probably wouldn't take the condoms out. Either because I couldn't be bothered to do it, or I'd forget. There's a lot of reasons why they'd stay in my purse for ages. And I do have a lot of condoms in my room that I've never used and will probably never get used.

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Well to clear things up, he JUST bought them and they were brand new...They were not there a week ago. They literally would have fallen out of his wallet if he dropped it on the floor...they were not "in" a pocket of the wallet....Just folded in. Unless he was squeezing his wallet, they would have droped to the floor....like he put them in there the day before.

 

The upsetting thing here is that he amped-up his kindness, his phone calls, calling me "honey" in the last week or two. I am really screwed up right now because he reinforced his committment with actions and words...he even said "you know, your worrying about these things (infidelity) casued some stress in the relationship." And, "You are worrying about nothing" when I asked about other women a week prior.

 

If he was looking for someone else, random or otherwise, why lie, rekindle with me, why see and call me MORE often??. I know everyone on ENA has been really helpful with responses-- I cant thank you enough, but finding the condoms has just messed me up with my own judgement. I was suspicious, and he turned it back on me..saying I was worrying for nothing.

 

Oh well....beyond the nervous voice mail on Sunday, he hasnt tried to call or contact me...so ther is my answer.

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Honestly, if my ex and I got back together, or I met someone else, I probably wouldn't take the condoms out. Either because I couldn't be bothered to do it, or I'd forget. There's a lot of reasons why they'd stay in my purse for ages. And I do have a lot of condoms in my room that I've never used and will probably never get used.

 

Hmm, maybe its just me but I would have thought that if you were reconciling with an ex and making a serious attempt at making it work, taking condoms out of your wallet would have been the first thing you would do.

 

beyond the nervous voice mail on Sunday, he hasnt tried to call or contact me...so ther is my answer.

 

It does seem odd that he isn't making more of an effort to put your mind at rest and, if it were possible, to put this situation right. Maybe that is your answer.

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Lets say he did get them when you were split up. He should have taken them out of his wallet, not added brand new ones.

A wallet is used everyday. It's impossible for him to "forget" they were in there.

Trust your gut. He was up to something.

Even if he called you every hour, he was still up to no good.

Is that the future you want?

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Thanks for the comments.....there is no way he got them when we were split up.....we where only split up for about 3 weeks, maybe a month in August/September 2010. You can tell by the condition of the wrapping they are brand new.

OK not to be graphic, but he bought a bottle of lubricant about 3 weeks ago. I suspect he bought them then. This guy loses his wallet once ever couple of months and works in construction...everything he owns is covered in dust.

 

No its not the future I want... I am upset for two reasons....I actually went to a psychologist to work on Cognitive Therapy-- to work on my paranoia , worrying about things that may or may not be true....so what a mind f#uck!!! WHat I was worried about was true!!!

 

And, he hasnt even tried to call to explain...whatever. Life is a shIItsandwich.

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Thanks for the comments.....there is no way he got them when we were split up.....we where only split up for about 3 weeks, maybe a month in August/September 2010. You can tell by the condition of the wrapping they are brand new.

OK not to be graphic, but he bought a bottle of lubricant about 3 weeks ago. I suspect he bought them then. This guy loses his wallet once ever couple of months and works in construction...everything he owns is covered in dust.

 

No its not the future I want... I am upset for two reasons....I actually went to a psychologist to work on Cognitive Therapy-- to work on my paranoia , worrying about things that may or may not be true....so what a mind ****!!! WHat I was worried about was true!!!

 

And, he hasnt even tried to call to explain...whatever.

 

You don't know for sure if it was true or not. In my experience, a paranoid individual is one who makes too many assumptions. In your situation there's still alternate explanations and multiple posters aside from me have given them, you haven't actually seen him cheat or any record or other suspicious stuff, and he hasn't cheated on you before when you dated. You're equating it to fact, when it's not. x_x

 

I personally think the issues in your relationship with him run deeper than that. You said he's a construction worker and you didn't wanna live your life around the dirt or something to that effect, right? You've already dumped him before, clearly you're not happy with him and would feel like you're settling even if he's faithful. It's not fair to him or you imo =\

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In your situation there's still alternate explanations and multiple posters aside from me have given them, you haven't actually seen him cheat or any record or other suspicious stuff, and he hasn't cheated on you before when you dated. You're equating it to fact, when it's not. x_x

 

It's true that there are still alternate explanations, but the fact is, he was talking about working things out for the last few weeks, they aren't using condoms, and these were brand new.

 

A man who is trying to work things out with his ex and who doesn't use condoms with her doesn't have ANY reason to buy condoms. I honestly see no way around that.

 

Hell, he could have even tried the old, "I bought them for a friend" routine, but he didn't bother with that. Frankly, he reacted like a man who has been busted and can't think fast enough to come up with a plausible lie, hence, the vague answers when she asked him.

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It's true that there are still alternate explanations, but the fact is, he was talking about working things out for the last few weeks, they aren't using condoms, and these were brand new.

 

A man who is trying to work things out with his ex and who doesn't use condoms with her doesn't have ANY reason to buy condoms. I honestly see no way around that.

 

Hell, he could have even tried the old, "I bought them for a friend" routine, but he didn't bother with that. Frankly, he reacted like a man who has been busted and can't think fast enough to come up with a plausible lie, hence, the vague answers when she asked him.

 

I always have condoms regardless of whether I'm with a girl who's on birth control or not, so do most of my friends, it's not out of the ordinary to make sure they're fresh either, neither is letting a friend borrow one. The root of almost all mental illness including schizophrenia is fear/paranoia and assuming/believing things are true that aren't necessarily true (that could be true). Progression of mental illness happens when the neurological threshold for thinking something as fact activates earlier and faster with knowledge of fewer things that the conclusion is based on, and the number of assumptions made increases higher and higher. The brain releases dopamine (the reward neurotransmitter), every time we reach a conclusion based on what we know; in schizophrenia for example that "aha" reward comes earlier and faster, and as a result baseline dopamine levels increase and the brain uses that new level as a "default" to base everything in existence on, which is why it is a progressive illness and typically incurable.

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I won't presume to diagnose whether or not sadchick is paranoid or whatever, since I don't have a medical degree.

 

All I can say is this: People who don't own cats don't buy cat food.

 

A metaphor doesn't make your argument any more compelling, because me and other posters have provided experience of actual empirical evidence to the contrary possibilities.

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A metaphor doesn't make your argument any more compelling, because me and other posters have provided experience of actual empirical evidence to the contrary possibilities.

 

Attempting to diagnose a woman as paranoid or schizophrenic based on a single thread on an Internet relationship forum doesn't make your argument anymore compelling, either.

 

Actually, only you and one other person, greywolf, have suggested that there may be another explanation, and both of you based that on your own experiences. Personal anecdotes are not empirical evidence.

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Thanks Oneironaut, I owe you one!

 

Yea thanks for the cut and paste from your Psych100 textbook..My Mom is a psychologist- expert in her field for 30 yrs--I think she would have let me know if I was schizophrenic.

 

Well he called last night...call went to voicemail- he didnt leave a message. I did not call him back. I need a break from him for a while, or forever. I dont know waht I would say, so NC is the safest thing to do.

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Lets say he did get them when you were split up. He should have taken them out of his wallet, not added brand new ones.

A wallet is used everyday. It's impossible for him to "forget" they were in there.

Trust your gut. He was up to something.

Even if he called you every hour, he was still up to no good.

Is that the future you want?

 

Nah, I went through a break up with a girl, put condoms in my wallet, we got back together and I didn't remove them for a very very very long time just because thats the kind of guy I am.

 

I wasn't planning on sleeping with someone else and I certinally had no thoughts of doing so either.

 

the bottom line with this story is, you clearly don't trust him and without that there isn't any relationship. You are best off moving on.

 

Good luck in everything

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Well I guess his nervousness said it all...he should have just said "I didnt use them."

 

Like I said they were not in a pocket of the wallet, just placed inside. He did a bit of a nervous giggle. Anyway, like Oneirout said...you dont buy cat food when you dont have a cat.

 

Well , whatever, he can bust through his Trojan large lubricated domes tonigh!

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