90_hour_sleep Posted November 25, 2011 Author Share Posted November 25, 2011 i forgive you...and i hope you find your way through this confusion that's got you wrapped in purgatory. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted November 29, 2011 Author Share Posted November 29, 2011 threw you the obvious and you flew with it on your back, a name in your recollection, thrown down among a million same. difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed and passed over when i've looked right through to see you naked and oblivious and you don't see me.but i threw you the obvious just to see if there's more behind the eyes of a fallen angel, the eyes of a tragedy. here i am expecting just a little bit too much from the wounded. but i see through it all and see you. so i threw you the obvious to see what occurs behind the eyes of a fallen angel, eyes of a tragedy. oh well. apparently nothing. you don't see me. you don't see me at all. never thought it'd be you again. but it is. and it was. and maybe it will be. maybe it won't be. it doesn't matter. i love you. and that's not liable to change...for any reason. because it's the only thing that's real. it's exactly as it should be...and that's all i know. but that part's not real. just love. that's all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted December 3, 2011 Author Share Posted December 3, 2011 it's not vague. it's passive aggressive. put that in your pipe and smoke it!! lately i've been runnin' on faith...what else can a poor boy do? but my world would be right...love comes over you. lately i've been talking in my sleep...can't imagine what i'd have to say. said my world would be right...love comes back my way. i've always been...one to take each and every day... seems like by now...i'd find a love who would care... care just for me. and we go runnin' on faith...all of our dreams would come true. and my world would be right...love comes over me and you... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tired Tiger Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 us....and them.... And after all... we're only ordinary men. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted December 6, 2011 Author Share Posted December 6, 2011 And after all... we're only ordinary men. love that album... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted December 10, 2011 Author Share Posted December 10, 2011 zest! i think it's more like a mania of sorts. i'm so all over the map lately. there's no real sense of comfort anymore (nightmare when comfort was everything)...in anything. but i'm still pursuing it for all it's worth...investing most of what i have in this pathetic pursuit of comfort. like...the last dozen times i found it...was it really some magical thing? or did it just put me to sleep...lull me into this false sense of security that everything would be just fine...everything would be EXACTLY how i wanted it to be. because that's what it is. that feeling of unease...it's what happens when things don't go our way. we're so used to having it the way we want it...that when something falls apart we don't know how to deal. you're probably right. there's something in me that is capable of feeling a bit of joy in life. but that realization only came after many years of miserable existence. i blame comfort. but what's the use in blaming anything. whatever it was...it was me. it was always me. no one else made me feel that way. i didn't really choose it...but i was always accountable to it. i'm not one of those people who walks around with rosey glasses on all the time. quite the opposite really. more of the brooding sort...lost in my own head a lot of the time. if i'm feeling good...then that's great...i'll roll with that...but if i'm not feeling up to snuff...i'm not going to run around greeting the world like i know the secret to eternal joy. i really can't handle that * * * * . i can't handle the facade. putting on airs seems like a great idea...because it's been crammed down our throats to always present ourselves in the best possible light...but the airs are a joke. it's just a way of hiding from the world...of denying what we're feeling...denying our actual experience. it's not real. and it's abundantly obvious once you've tuned into it. we're not so different, you and i. i know you think we are. and on the surface...of course we are. but your life...where you're at right now...i know a bit of that. i won't devalue your experience by telling you i know exactly what it all feels like for you. but it feels familiar. that sense of ever-present unhappiness. it's like living in a shadow. things are there...familiar things...but they feel alien...unreal almost. almost like you could reach out and touch something if you really wanted to..but it'd be like grasping at a ghost...a phantom. there but not there. just out of reach...but always present...teasing you with it's appeal. i'd say...since the time i was about 8 years old...i've been chasing after those ghosts...pursuing things because i'd been taught that they were appealing. i think that's the difference between joy and happiness though. happiness is an illusion. it's not real. not even close. it's that feeling of ''making it''. it's the feeling of getting...of having...of having things go our way all the bloody time. it's the feeling of being liked for whatever...not necessarily what we actually are. it's the feeling of ''everything is fine'' when everything is ANYTHING but fine. joy is a different creature. joy is what happens when you forget about all that stuff...and remember that life is going to be here whether you have those things or not. joy is tough though. because no one teaches us how to feel joy. we're taught how to get to happiness. but that's not OUR idea of happiness. it's someone else's idea. we stop trusting in our own senses...and follow someone else's agenda (or a product of hundreds of different agendas). that's my idea of misery. and looking back...that's where my misery came from. you're not a bad person, my friend. feel that way so long as you have to. but it's not true. feeling miserable and BEING miserable are different things. i know what fun it is to be hard on yourself though. and it becomes a habit....feeling wretched. you'll only do it as long as you can take it. how strong are you? how long can you feel like this before you break? does breaking feel like a weakness? you are like me. i just broke already. i thought i was strong by resisting. i was wrong. i was never worthy of being loved in my own mind. i'm still not sure i am. but it feels more tangible now. people will only see your worth if you choose to see it in yourself. people see you how you see yourself. scary isn't it?! but it's true. it's so true. we're all running around trying to hide what we are...but PEOPLE SEE EXACTLY WHAT WE ARE. they might not be conscious of it. but they treat you how you think you should be treated. i'm glad you're real. because that's what this is. doesn't matter if we're relative strangers. i won't take it personally when you try to push me away. haha. just means you kinda like me. and hate the hugsters all you like!! but if you ever SQUEEZE me again...you damn well better mean it. sorry for making you sad. do you remember the last time you felt TRULY happy...at peace maybe. i was 8. last day of summer before going back to school. haven't been myself since then. 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90_hour_sleep Posted December 11, 2011 Author Share Posted December 11, 2011 "Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass. Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted December 17, 2011 Author Share Posted December 17, 2011 why are we so miserable. why do we smoke...and drink...and medicate with all the usual toxins. why do we work...in jobs that rob us of our heart and soul. why do we want the things we want. why do we want these things...these things that when we get them...we discover that they were never really worth having to begin with. why is it always about more. why is what it is never enough. why don't we accept people as they are. why don't we accept what they give...instead of what we want them to give. why do we continue with the madness when every cell in our bodies is screaming to let the madness go. why do we chase it. why do we hold onto the things that feel like poison. why do we become addicted to the things that don't feel good...as much as the things that do feel good. why do we avoid every little thing that goes against the grain of what we think we're entitled to. why is it that we're completely incapable of dealing when things don't go according to the grand plan of success. why do we constantly measure ourselves against an unrealistic ideal. when did it happen. when did we decide that it was easier to float along in a dream that wasn't our own. when did we decide to ignore our own wondrous sense of knowing. when did we decide that strength is measured in our ability to hide from it all. when did we resolve to lead a life that's not our own. when did this dream get its hooks into our skin. when did it start winning. when did we forget to trust in our natural ability to adapt and grow. when did we get hooked on blame and shame and guilt and rage. when did contempt for our brothers become embraced and accepted as human nature. when did we become so bitter and jaded about our lack of perfection. how did it happen? when did the mob mentality get mixed up with our personal sense of integrity. when did it become okay to step on the backs of anyone and everyone...in the name of success. why do we invest so much in success. why are we so insecure that the mere thought of falling short sends us into a tailspin of anxious depression. why are we always so concerned with what we're doing. busy, busy bees. always doing. always distracting. always medicating. never here...or there...or anywhere, but always somewhere else entirely. and here we are...unfolding exactly as we should be. what's around the next bend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted December 18, 2011 Author Share Posted December 18, 2011 ^^ yah...nice one dude. get rid of one...and go hard with the others. and then come around with your self-righteous ramblings on what's wrong with the rest of the world. wake up. wake...up. i know...it ain't easy. this adele woman is fantastic. i hope that's not my poisoned body talking. maybe it's possible to appreciate beauty...even when the world feels like a terrifying place. i wonder if i'll ever stop being so selfish. i'm surrounded by selfless people. you'd think maybe it would've rubbed off by now. they give. i take. i take. they give. take...take...take...take...take. why do they keep giving? is it because i haven't stopped taking? which happens first? don't tell me how to feel. the sun was peaking out above frosty mountains this morning. this world. it oscillates...such beauty sometimes. so often, in fact...it's just beautiful. what was it the other post said...even with the dram and drudgery...it's still a beautiful world. even when there's poison coursing through my veins. even when i'm doing my best to pull myself down. even when i'm ignoring everything i've learned. even when i'm hellbent on self-aggression...and such useless anger. the sun still shines. adele keeps singing. the snow comes...and goes. the seasons change. a few more turns. could it be that this is all very precious. "i don't know why i'm scared...coz i've been here before...every feeling every word...i've imagined it all...'' i know she's not singing about what i'm feeling. but maybe she could be. in my heart...the notes are ringing. it doesn't matter what it's actually about. for right now...it can be about whatever i need it to be about. she gives. i take. but she's happy to give. wake up. remember what it's all about. this momentum will sweep you away...and you'll sink...or you'll swim. and surely...it will unfold the way it needs to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted December 20, 2011 Author Share Posted December 20, 2011 jesus... why. why why. why........ seriously...why. why do i ignore that feeling that says ''DON'T''? why do i put my faith in things that i KNOW aren't going to amount to anything. am i a glutton for emotional punishment? why do i waste my time on a woman who doesn't show any signs of interest. why do i feel more drawn to that sort of woman? it makes NO sense. none. did i feel a sense of rejection. was this about a little stab of pride? it...is...STUPID. it's stupid. it's stupid. or maybe it's not stupid. maybe it's really not stupid at all. maybe it's a worthwhile endeavor. ha. maybe not. i think it's stupid. and it's time to accept that. accept it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flyingpiglet Posted December 20, 2011 Share Posted December 20, 2011 Because the more we know we can't have something, the more we know somene isn't right for us or we aren't right for them... The more we want it. A personal challenge, all the while knowing that our gut instinct will win! Forever trading the short lived highs for the tremendous lows that follow! A character trait that I myself am familiar with. 'The trick ain't worth the time it buys, I'm sick of hearing my own lies'! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Dark Posted December 20, 2011 Share Posted December 20, 2011 jesus... why. why why. why........ seriously...why. why do i ignore that feeling that says ''DON'T''? why do i put my faith in things that i KNOW aren't going to amount to anything. am i a glutton for emotional punishment? why do i waste my time on a woman who doesn't show any signs of interest. why do i feel more drawn to that sort of woman? it makes NO sense. none. did i feel a sense of rejection. was this about a little stab of pride? it...is...STUPID. it's stupid. it's stupid. or maybe it's not stupid. maybe it's really not stupid at all. maybe it's a worthwhile endeavor. ha. maybe not. i think it's stupid. and it's time to accept that. accept it. Yes it is interesting how we can be such suckers for punishment. Our logic says "no, not good". Yet sometimes there is this incredible want even though we know it's going to cause us to be worse off. We see it a lot here, with the dumpees and when I was one of them when I first joined here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted December 21, 2011 Author Share Posted December 21, 2011 Because the more we know we can't have something, the more we know somene isn't right for us or we aren't right for them... The more we want it. A personal challenge, all the while knowing that our gut instinct will win! Forever trading the short lived highs for the tremendous lows that follow! A character trait that I myself am familiar with. 'The trick ain't worth the time it buys, I'm sick of hearing my own lies'! i wonder if i really know that sometimes. if i knew it...truly knew it...i'd never walk down the counter-intuitive path. ...i'm sick of hearing my own lies... what my lies amount to...is imaginings. and i tend to ENJOY those imaginings. in that sense...it's not all that big of a mystery. step away from right now...because some projection of what could happen feels so very enticing! why not think of a grandiose imagined SOMETHING instead of my poor state of current deprivation!! ha. it's ridiculous. but then...so am i. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted December 21, 2011 Author Share Posted December 21, 2011 mr. grinch! my logic is actually all about convincing me to ignore my heart. there's nothing logical about my logic!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flyingpiglet Posted December 21, 2011 Share Posted December 21, 2011 i wonder if i really know that sometimes. if i knew it...truly knew it...i'd never walk down the counter-intuitive path. ...i'm sick of hearing my own lies... what my lies amount to...is imaginings. and i tend to ENJOY those imaginings. in that sense...it's not all that big of a mystery. step away from right now...because some projection of what could happen feels so very enticing! why not think of a grandiose imagined SOMETHING instead of my poor state of current deprivation!! ha. it's ridiculous. but then...so am i. Oh I know it alright... I just don't always know I know it until it's too late. It's the one mistake I make regular but somehow never seem to be able to learn from! Lies, imaginations... They're all an untruth of sorts, if my imagination was a little more vivid then it might make it worthwhile maybe...? I guess we're all a little ridiculous on some level. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted December 22, 2011 Author Share Posted December 22, 2011 Oh I know it alright... I just don't always know I know it until it's too late. It's the one mistake I make regular but somehow never seem to be able to learn from! Lies, imaginations... They're all an untruth of sorts, if my imagination was a little more vivid then it might make it worthwhile maybe...? I guess we're all a little ridiculous on some level. that about sums it up!!!!!!!!! my imagination is TOO vivid i think. i get so carried away by these little fantasies...like sub-routines to my consciousness. they do their thing in the background...quietly infiltrating my critical systems until....BAM!!!! whatever. sometimes an escape is nice...even though it kind of contradicts the essence of life. i lost my manual for life. whoops. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted December 24, 2011 Author Share Posted December 24, 2011 starting a running tally...of all the times i say 'no'. the times someone says, ''hey, let's hang out!!'' or, ''we're goin' out. you should come!!" or, ''so i'm having this little get together...and it'd be great if you could come.'' i already started counting actually. i'm at 13. two weeks...and 13 declined invitations!!! jesus- * * * * -me-sideways what is wrong with me. okay...vent over. but seriously. what gives. mope around wishing i was with so-and-so...and then turning down people who are legitimately interested in my presence. it's goofy. leo 2 makes more sense than leo 1. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted December 26, 2011 Author Share Posted December 26, 2011 14...15...16... 17..................................... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flyingpiglet Posted December 26, 2011 Share Posted December 26, 2011 Try to say yes once before you get to 20... Make your goal to say yes to one out of every 20.... It would be a start! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted December 29, 2011 Author Share Posted December 29, 2011 ^^ i'm wavering on 18. 19 is a definite, resounding NO! sometimes no is actually the right choice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted December 29, 2011 Share Posted December 29, 2011 Just say no to no. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted December 29, 2011 Author Share Posted December 29, 2011 Just say no to no. i probably do that more often than i give myself credit for. i'm one of those people who has an annoying habit of being hard on himself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted December 31, 2011 Author Share Posted December 31, 2011 socially...retarded... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twomonks Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 socially...retarded... (at times) perhaps... but you are still extremely lovable happy new year!! just think of all the possibilities!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted January 1, 2012 Author Share Posted January 1, 2012 (at times) perhaps... but you are still extremely lovable happy new year!! just think of all the possibilities!!! god i love you. almost said your name. but refuse to reveal your identity! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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