tiredofvampires Posted September 5, 2011 Share Posted September 5, 2011 I see what you see, here. I'd just like to add though, that I think part of the fear is about this: "what if this were to happen to me?" when faced with the injury another person's weakness might cause/is causing someone else. I think there is an empathetic response that is deeply embedded in an identification with the perceived "wronged" party, the victim in any scenario. People feel wronged almost by proxy -- and maybe not just hypothetically wronged, but in fact are working through wrongs that they feel were perpetrated upon them. So there is an emotional current that has not been resolved in one's own life in some cases. In other cases, it's just a fear of potential hurt which we are all vulnerable to. As I see it, judgment sometimes arises when one has had no occasion to face such a weakness as what they see in front of them. So, they mistakenly feel immune to it. In other cases, people have faced a weakness and successfully dealt with it, so they mistakenly feel that their situation approximates any other situation. The catch is, all people have the power to choose how to act -- and this empowers people with the idea that at any given time, not making the honorable choice is a defect under one's control. This is a pretty powerful argument. So powerful, it renders judgmentalism virtually indestructible. Life is truly humbling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted September 5, 2011 Author Share Posted September 5, 2011 emotional current...i like that. i can appreciate a humbling experience. i've also grown to acknowledge a sense of intolerance i have towards those who become arrogant as a result of that experience. poor intolerant me. virtually indesctructible. it's too bad. 'virtually' relates to the smokiness of the tendrils though. you know? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted September 8, 2011 Author Share Posted September 8, 2011 173.... yep...a great day. there wasn't anything that i didn't find great about today. and you know...not smoking was as big a part of that as anything else. i smiled the entire way home from work. maybe it was the sunshine. maybe it was the nature of the job today. maybe it was the girl i met...while on the job! ha...probably a combination of everything. i can't help but comment on what this whole process has done for me. on the surface...things are much as they used to be...minus the incessant mound of butts next to my computer...or in my car...or wherever. but...on a deeper level...i'm not the same person i was 173 days ago. i think much of this can be attributed to the very natural maximas and minimas of life...but it hardly feels coincidental that the more recent maxima has been on the tail end of the no smoking. there's something different in me. i'm trying to find the words. i'd like to articulate. i'm thinking...again...it comes down to the shadows...the lurking thoughts that left me feeling helpless...isolated...miserable. they're gone. of course they're gone. they went with my last puff (which at the time felt like a bittersweet goodbye). i feel...a bit like i used to feel...before i abandoned my sense of self-worth...before i allowed myself to continue on with the farce of justifiable suicide. i think...i feel confident again. it's been such a subtle transition to this point. most days...i don't notice anything different. but...on a day like today...I AM SO GRATEFUL THAT I DON'T NEED TO ADD THE SLAVERY OF ADDICTION into the mix. i think, more than anything, that's why i smiled today on the way home from work. meh...i'm sure the girl helped a bit with that. six months ago...i wouldn't even have bothered approaching a non-smoker. it felt too alien to me. but...that's one of the things i abandoned when i chose to smoke. i gave up that demographic...the non-smokers...the ones i envied (if i was honest with myself). the ones i ultimately saw myself with. i'm not sure how to explain that one exactly...without sounding overly judgemental. anyway. count me in. my heart is in this for life. the hunger pangs can come and go...but i'd trade all the smokes for what i felt today. every single one. day 173 rant. thanks for listening. cheers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 Yay for 173 days no smoking Hours! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted September 8, 2011 Author Share Posted September 8, 2011 hey! thanks, OG. i appreciate that. definitately a personal journey...but a bit of encouragement is always nice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 It's def. hard for some to quit. My mom has been smoking since she was 14 (she's.. 44 now, I think. God. I don't even know how old she is). She's tried a few times but for her it's a stress reliever. L use to smoke but after a tooth surgery one time he just never picked them back up (but he only smoked for a few years and didn't start until his late teens early 20's I think). My brother (17 years old) and my sister (20 years old) both smoke as well, it's not easy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted September 8, 2011 Author Share Posted September 8, 2011 no...you're right...not easy at all. just about everyone in my life for the last five or six years is/was a smoker. not sure how or when that happened. as for your mom...you could always buy her the allen carr book for christmas or something. no pressure. she might read it...she might not. the idea of ''sress-relief'' is completely bogus (don't tell her that thought! ) i've been there. i know the excuses...all of them. as for your siblings...well...the naivity of youth. one day they will understand. how'd you turn out as the only non-smoker of the bunch? odds were stacked against you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 I may look that up, actually. I have told her she's using stress as a crutch to still smoke and she would save a ton of money by NOT smoking. But she thinks she has to have a stress free life to quit - no one has a stress free life. She can find other means to de-stress. Yeah. My sister smoked while pregnant as well- she and I had a few rough talks about that one.... I have no idea Hours, lol. It was REALLY stacked against me. Mom and siblings smoked, dad smoked, my 70 year old asthmatic grandma smoked, friends smoked, neighbors smoked... I have just never liked the smell of it or seen it as popular as a teenager. Which even my mom says that's why she started, to be popular. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted September 8, 2011 Author Share Posted September 8, 2011 well...whatever it was/is...it's good. no one has a stress free life. exactly. there is no better way to put it. if anything...smoking causes stress. and...more than anything...it robs you of your ability to just DEAL. it's...very sad. lol...would love to have been a fly on the wall for the chats with your sister. testament to the insanity of addiction. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 And I can understand additction in a way - I'm a food addict. I'm an emotional eater and it's so hard to NOT eat every minute of every single day. Yeah. I was not happy. Thankfully my nephew (he was born two months early but that had nothing to do with smoking) is a healthy and bubbling 14 month old now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted September 8, 2011 Share Posted September 8, 2011 I feel so happy for you. What you've done is a major life achievement. You've broken the chains of something many people can't find their way out of -- and the substance itself, the most addictive chemical on the planet. And you've done all this ahead of being told by a doctor decades down the road that your lung x-rays are not looking good. A doctor of mine (a naturopath) said to me, "People who smoke don't love themselves." At first, doing a short mental scroll of all the people I've known who smoked, I thought this might be an over-generalized, over-dramatic statement (taking the Devil's Advocate a bit, I was). I'm sure there are as many "reasons" to smoke as smokers...even though many of the reasons sound the same. I feel as a non-smoker, I would be presumptuous to try to get into the hearts and minds of all smokers everywhere. Certainly, I've seen smokers with more self-esteem than some other people who don't smoke and have low self-esteem. But in the end...it IS "justified suicide." How can you escape that truth? In my own exploration of this topic on this site, some said that it was their answer to hedonism -- enjoying the moment and prioritizing that over long life. I've always felt this was a thin cover...because if it's quality of life you're looking for, how can compulsion, restless hankering, smelliness, reduced physical capacity, and premature aging along the way constitute "quality of life", even without the longevity factor? I'm really proud of you...and I mean that in the most admiring way...for getting to the core of this entanglement through your own truth-seeking and disarming it. It's a huge victory. Here's to LIFE. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted October 3, 2011 Author Share Posted October 3, 2011 Fear... FEAR... Noun fear/fi(?)r/ An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat. I think there's an important word in there somewhere. Maybe? Possibly? Is it 'dangerous'? 'Pain'? 'Threat'? No...I'm thinking -- while those words are undoubtedly important -- that there is one other word in that definition which trumps the others. Without this particular word...the other words really don't amount to much. Belief... BELIEF... be·lief Noun/bi'lef/ 1. An acceptance that a statement is true or that something exists. 2. Something one accepts as true or real; a firmly held opinion or conviction. 'An acceptance'...an agreement? Conviction. So what keeps conviction from becoming unglued -- what are the bonds forged from? Is it something molecular? Maybe that's as apt an analogy as any (how's that for alliteration... ). I'm thinking of the difference between a physical change and a chemical change. To change something physically does not infact change the fundamental nature of the object of change. It's a bit like stretching...or bending. There's an element of shaping here; but, the essence of the object of 'change' remains unchanged. A chemical change, on the other hand, is entirely different. This involves the breaking of bonds. The other thing I find interesting is that physical changes tend to be reversible, while chemical changes are not. How many times have you seen wood go from burnt to unburnt (although, perhaps this is just one of my own beliefs...)? The nature of my fear rests on the belief in the infallible nature of my beliefs. What a crazy circle of madness that is. A belief in the infallibility of beliefs? Can that really hold up to any sort of close scrutiny? CLOSE scrutiny. At a glance it's easy to shrug this one off; however, upon a bit of examination, it becomes more difficult to deny the gaping inconsitencies. I'm left wondering what it would be like to question the nature of my fear like I question the opinions of other people. What makes my belief more solid than the belief of someone else? Could it be that beliefs aren't all that solid to begin with? ''But you have to believe in something!!'' You say. Why? I lack courage. I'm afraid of just about everything that doesn't fit into my very narrow world of 'reality'. Sometimes I talk a big game. There's a bit of wisdom floating around in my consciousness (a bit that I'm privy to at least). I seldom take action. I sit. I wait. I reflect. I sit some more. I relfect on what it's like to be sitting. Then I forget what I was waiting for...and move on to something fresh to wait for. How did this happen? When did my artery of courageous human spirit get clogged? I thought I woke up a couple of years back. But it's becoming clear that I just stepped into another dream. Another dream... There's a memory that comes to mind often of late. Eleven years old I think...late August...dusk. There was a swing. Sand. A sense of freedom. Peace. I went to sleep that day...and I've been sleeping ever since. I woke up for a few brief moments in April of 2009...and I've been sleeping fitfully since then. I toss and turn. There are waking moments of restless anxiety (Maybe my mattress is worn out?). Sometimes I get up to pee...or to get a drink of water. Occasionally there are moments of clarity...the kind of radiant transparency that only seems possible in the drunken-stupor-like moments of a 3 am wandering. Things seem fresh in those instances. But all-in-all...the dream doesn't make sense anymore. It just feels wrong. Courage... COURAGE... Noun/'k?rij/ 1. The ability to do something that frightens one. 2. Strength in the face of pain or grief. Ability... ABILITY... Noun/?'bilite/ 1. The capacity to do something. 2. Talent that enables someone to achieve a great deal. I'm like the lion from the Wizard of Oz. The only reason I'm even walking down the yellow brick road is because there have been those generous enough to hold my hand. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be that eleven-year old again. To be awake. Another part of me wishes that I'd never woken up in April of 2009. I'd still be sleeping peacefully...content with the pursuits that had been laid out before me. X leads to Y leads to Z. One thing is clear...this dream isn't working anymore. I don't remember what it feels like to really embrace life. But maybe this process is one of slow reconditioning. Just as the bonds were made...they can be unmade. Peace ENa... You've been a good friend... 90 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flyingpiglet Posted October 3, 2011 Share Posted October 3, 2011 I've been trying to think of something useful, meaningful to post here... I'll be honest. I've drawn a blank! I did wonder where you'd got to 90... Your journal intrigues me, keep on posting! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted October 28, 2011 Author Share Posted October 28, 2011 ........................................................................... ..................................... BOLD!! encouragement is helpful and respected. it's actually beautiful. and while i really don't know who you are...it would feel right to acknowledge my appreciation. simple. thank you. if it's right...let it be right. if it's wrong...let it be wrong. look it in the face and know it for whatever it is...no more, no less. breathe it in...for a moment like this may never come again. it will come and it will go...and the only thing you'll have is the fleeting instance of life in that moment. and even that you will not really have. cherish it...as difficult as that can be to remember when the time comes. but it's easier if one considers that that time has always come. it's always right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted October 30, 2011 Author Share Posted October 30, 2011 like a hurricane of little butterflies...churning up a perfect storm inside. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted November 1, 2011 Author Share Posted November 1, 2011 humming a dirge for november..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted November 8, 2011 Author Share Posted November 8, 2011 comfort is the first sign of death... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted November 10, 2011 Author Share Posted November 10, 2011 well what is a journal if not a place to purge... is agreement the supreme constitution of relationship? is that what we're all striving for? if i don't agree with you...does that mean we're incapable of relating with each other? i don't think so. but i'm wondering how common that mentality is. with so much emphasis on compatibility...and a common purpose...is there a chance that there's an unconscious association to the premise of agreement within the bounds of that commonality? so what is agreement then? and why is it so important? am i so insecure in my own kingdom of belief that i falter in the face of scrutiny? one might wonder what the purpose of a belief that cannot withstand scrutiny really is? or...is it fear that the belief itself doesn't really hold water. perhaps its function is to add stability...and comfort to one's being. ah. in that light it makes a world of sense. your disagreement is a threat to my well-being. what a notion that is. and...that's what brings me here. that feeling of threat. and it comes from the strangest of places!! well...it's strange for me. i often find myself in relationships with those i have a strong resonance of agreement with. it seems...we're always on the same page. we understand each other's words. we reinforce the beliefs in each other. we validate. but i'm curious about this validation. i'm normally an advocate. but there's a balance with validation...and i think it tends to be a precarious one. at what point does an agreement become a source of pain. at what stage of the game does a healthy dose of validation actually become a source of toxicity? i think that's a difficult question to answer...one that is far easier to just avoid. i prefer to be challenged it seems...not for the sake of challenge itself...but because the nature of challenge implies a strength of will...a worthy opponent. don't agree with me for the sake of ease...for the sake of mere agreement. you feed my soul with your disagreement. my heart opens. when all else fails...offer love (thanks for the insight, m). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted November 11, 2011 Author Share Posted November 11, 2011 i seek...and i find. it's what i'm looking for...so it's what i find. it's what i find. it's what i find. it's what i look for...so it's what i find. i'm looking for it...so i find it. i've found it...because i was looking for it. i was looking for THIS. i was looking for HERE. i was looking for RIGHT now. i was looking for it. did you know it? did i know it? does it matter? it matters only that i was looking for it. it matters not if my seeking was conscious or unconscious. oh...this is special. truly special. i deny...deny...deny...and that only strengthens the convction. haha! it's great...it really is. did i wake up? ha. i doubt it. it's a new dream. ha!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted November 12, 2011 Author Share Posted November 12, 2011 us....and them.... rabbits and dogs...dogs and rabbits. s-words and leos. interconnected randomness? one....two....four? a sequence. it's odd. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted November 16, 2011 Author Share Posted November 16, 2011 okay... rabbit number one... i don't understand you at all. you're a complete contradiction from my vantage. your words say one thing...and everything else says something else entirely. you crave validation...but you pretend you don't need it at all. you're also vibrant...and sexy...and entirely alluring. but i don't know you. and i'm not sure i want to. is this my intuition speaking? is it my heart pulling me away...or is it my head finding solace in old familiar comfort. hmmm. rabbit number two... you're something else entirely. i can't label you...in part because i really just can't, but also because to me that feels wrong. it's interesting. words in a book spoke true. your path lies in inspiration...in helping others find a courage they've lost touch with. i feel like i've known you already. interesting. i'd like to know more. rabbits are the current flavour. hahaha!!! FUN!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted November 19, 2011 Author Share Posted November 19, 2011 hello... i thought about smoking today. but it was fleeting. i've been thinking about moving. i met a girl...and she knows of a place. it's on the lake. it's beautiful. i kind of got swept away in a little fantasy...sitting by the lake...2 am...with a friend...a warm summer breeze...smoking. god. that's so twisted. ha. but it's okay. i can accept that this was such a monumental part of my life. this addiction is something that i'm still recovering from. not so much in the sense that it was killing me in a physical sense...but that it quite literally sucked the life out of me. i've been emerging from this shadow. sometimes i remember what it was like where i was. in fact...i find it useful to reflect on that...the misery. i was miserable. there was an occasional distraciton from that misery...but it was always the predominant feeling...underlying anything satisfying or joyous. pain. smoking was always a part of that misery. i won't claim that it was the sole perpetrator. obviously there was alot going on. maybe there still is. i don't feel any different to be honest. i don't feel a boost. i don't feel new...refreshed...rejuvenated. liberated maybe. there's emotional stability that i haven't felt in some time. physically it's all the same. psychologically...there's still the same bag of tricks that keep cropping up. i'm still me. still neurotic. still insecure. still just a bit nuts most of the time. still searching for ground when groundlessness is actually the only way. i'm as lost as i ever was. i'm lonely. i'm tired. sometimes i'm sad. sometimes i'm a mess of joyous exuberance. the point is...i'm alive. these things never go away. there will never come a day where i look at things and find that i've got it all together. that's just not in the cards. and i'm okay with that. really okay with it. i don't want a crutch. when i'm sad...i want to be sad with everything i've got. when i meet someone...i want the butterflies of uncertainty. i don't want to know what i want all of the time. i don't want sunshine and rainbows every minute of every day. i'd love to feel a naked body again. i miss that. warm breath...lips...tender and moist...soft. my heart sings when i think about that sometimes. aren't these better things than being miserable? is there a void? yes...sometimes i can feel the fire of that void...the restless energy. but it's actually GOOD that way. i dunno. i have no idea what i'm trying to say. life's fine how it is. even when it's a complete mess...it really is alright. whatever is happening right now...it's not forever. it's the briefest of moments. the minutest pulse on the grand scale of eternity. i love you. ...8 months later... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flyingpiglet Posted November 19, 2011 Share Posted November 19, 2011 90... I can pretty much relate to all that. My problem though, my thoughts on the evil weed are getting more frequent and stronger. I have even given into them a couple of times now. But, I will carry on fighting the battle of the addiction! Your little fantasy sounds like a little piece of bliss! But then I never really associated smoking with misery. The rest of it... well it’s just too similar, apart from the emotional stability.... I’m not sure I’ve ever had emotional stability! But, I like your outlook. Sounds like you were in a pretty okay place when you wrote this... Hope you’re still there! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted November 20, 2011 Author Share Posted November 20, 2011 i'm all over the map, piggy. really. my little smoking demon didn't take breaks. was there for it all. the highest highs...the lowest lows. i always associated it with an intensified experience. it was my reward...for anything. and it was my ailing crutch when i was bottoming out. for a brief period...i considered it my only friend. that was misery. i don't pretend to understand where i was. i'm not even sure it matters anymore. is it really necessary to dwell in the shadow...to know it intimately...in order to find the light? i doubt it is. there's such fixation on knowing the cause of things nowadays. to me...it's entirely redundant. it doesn't promote growth. i suppose it's helpful to know where you've been...in terms of reflection. but beyond that...i see it as more of a hinderence. i doubt i have any real stability. and my little piece of bliss...an illusion. that's the little piece that lives on. comes at the strangest of moments. socially...i think i miss it sometimes. somehow...smoking filled in the gaps. it sounds ridiculous...but i know my experience. it's something to share. it's a special sort of misery almost. or perhaps an illusion of joy. in any event...it's a point of relation. they say alcohol is the social lubricant...but i always found smoking to be just about the best thing in terms of initiating things. maybe that's odd. it's the one part of the illusion that lives on for me. i'm not still there. but thanks for hoping. hope you're well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted November 22, 2011 Author Share Posted November 22, 2011 attention...intention...integrity...intuition... attention...intention...integrity...intuition... attention...intention...integrity...intuition... attention...intention...integrity...intuition... attention...intention...integrity...intuition... attention...intention...integrity...intuition... attention...intention...integrity...intuition... attention...intention...integrity...intuition... attention...intention...integrity...intuition... attention...intention...integrity...intuition... attention...intention...integrity...intuition... attention...intention...integrity...intuition... attention...intention......integrity..........intuition.... attention..intention......integrity......intuition. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.