90_hour_sleep Posted August 8, 2011 Author Share Posted August 8, 2011 You make a very good point Sleepy. I'm all the time getting ill with people who seem to think they have the answer to my relationship being an LDR. The mature comments I can understand but there are some down right idiotic people out there. That being said, that's all we can view other things as is through our filter and our experiences. Even with a shared experience like me being sexually molested as a child, I actually don't vibe well with other survivors, and it's because I view their experience and how they cope with it through my filter and how I dealt with it. Intelluctately I know everyone who goes through that deals with it differently and I have even said that to people on here who are worried they aren't healing the right way - because there is no right way. But I am only human. i'm not sure i follow...you don't vibe well with other survivors? because the experience itself...while similar in nature...is VERY personal? is that what you're saying? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 i'm not sure i follow...you don't vibe well with other survivors? because the experience itself...while similar in nature...is VERY personal? is that what you're saying? I don't vibe well with most survivors because there are 2 kinds of people that come from sexual molestation, those who heal by seeing themselves as victims and those (like me) who refuse to see themselves as victims. Which is why I don't mentor sexually abused people, I am human enough to admit that thought. I am very compassionate towards people who chose to see themselves as victims but there is a part of me that wants to shake them and go 'you aren't a victim! you are giving them more power by saying so!' But my way of healing isn't the only way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted August 8, 2011 Author Share Posted August 8, 2011 I don't vibe well with most survivors because there are 2 kinds of people that come from sexual molestation, those who heal by seeing themselves as victims and those (like me) who refuse to see themselves as victims. Which is why I don't mentor sexually abused people, I am human enough to admit that thought. I am very compassionate towards people who chose to see themselves as victims but there is a part of me that wants to shake them and go 'you aren't a victim! you are giving them more power by saying so!' But my way of healing isn't the only way. ah...so it's the experience of healing. okay. i can see how this relates to what i said earlier. thanks for clarifying. i'd wonder how healed the 'victim' could ever be. and...i'd probably feel compelled to say something too. but...i know that it's generally unhelpful to do so. useful to know your own limitations too. not always an easy realization. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 ah...so it's the experience of healing. okay. i can see how this relates to what i said earlier. thanks for clarifying. i'd wonder how healed the 'victim' could ever be. and...i'd probably feel compelled to say something too. but...i know that it's generally unhelpful to do so. useful to know your own limitations too. not always an easy realization. Sometimes I ramble before I make a actual point, lol My thoughts exactly. My own therapist said it was normal for someone who healed like me to feel that way toward the other POV - and she rarely encouraged us to help other survivors because of that view. Because of how I healed I have no problem talkign about the abuse, I dont' cry when talking about it - but in the beginning of my healing I was in a support group and one of the girls was the 'victim' mentality and cried every time someone bought the subject up. It's a good thought though that you bought up, about how we filter other people's experiecnes through our own. We know it happens but I don't think anyone has actually SAID it before... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted August 8, 2011 Author Share Posted August 8, 2011 Sometimes I ramble before I make a actual point, lol umm...do you realize who you're talking to? haha! It's a good thought though that you bought up, about how we filter other people's experiecnes through our own. We know it happens but I don't think anyone has actually SAID it before... well...some people know that it happens. i think it's a part of being open to a different perspective. there is always a different angle. and how can one angle really be more rightthan another? it's just...different. you know? it's been said many times...in many different ways. i don't think it's made it's way into the fantasy world just yet though. sci-fi maybe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 lol - we ramblers eventually get to our point. True, but it's one of those things unless someone points it out to you it's something you know but you don't practice. I am all for different perspectives but in being human, it's very easy to have a narrow view and forget that and see everything through your own filter on a day to day bases. I actually think Belgarath might have touched on it a little bit at some point or another. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted August 8, 2011 Author Share Posted August 8, 2011 fair enough. humans...if you can't beat 'em...join 'em. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 It's why I like Elves more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted August 8, 2011 Author Share Posted August 8, 2011 i have no idea what that means. what's so special about elves? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 They have pointed ears? I was making a fantasy joke because you said that about being human. I suck at humor sometimes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted August 8, 2011 Author Share Posted August 8, 2011 They have pointed ears? I was making a fantasy joke because you said that about being human. I suck at humor sometimes. lol yep...and this is why i loves the internet. actually just had a really good laugh. thanks for that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 Any time - I think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted August 8, 2011 Author Share Posted August 8, 2011 i was being sincere... i don't know why it's funny...and i don't really care. it's good that way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 It was probably the pointed ear comment. Had me giggling, at least. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted August 9, 2011 Author Share Posted August 9, 2011 a tapestry. you pull this thread...and that thread...and the tapestry of my life unravels. i am this thread...and i am that thread. and i am the tapestry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elcie Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 Is the unravelling a loss of control or a letting go? Positive or negative? The threads are still there.....ready for a new creation... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted August 9, 2011 Author Share Posted August 9, 2011 ^^ hmmm...the unravelling could be a loss of control. the context here is that you can't pull one thread...without affecting the entire tapestry. well...maybe you can...but there's a breaking point...pull enough threads...and everything falls apart. hence...i am the threads...and i am the tapestry. pull my threads at your own peril. that which you love about me will fall apart the more you pull. but...i imagine you're right. the threads are still there...even after all the pulling... you're great, elcie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted August 16, 2011 Author Share Posted August 16, 2011 the prude...the crush...the bride...and the bridesmaid... this would be a somewhat formal shout out to a handful fantastic women that have crossed paths with the creature that is me. it's not you...it's me. laugh...go ahead. it's a ridiculous statement...but it's so true. if it weren't true...you wouldn't be manifestations of the pattern. so...you're great. actually...if i permit myself a moment of indulgence...you're fantastic, beautiful creatures...each one of you. i'm just a prude. feel free to shrug now. let it roll off your shoulders. there's a certain degree of certainty within me that believes you can't possibly buy it. my casual indifference is frustrating for you. well...it's frustrating for me too. open yourselves to that one. can you? would you even want to? it's not something that fills my cup. this isn't enjoyment. you see...i'm a fine example of insecurity...of mixed up notions of where i fit in. i see you. but then...i see me with you...and it's disappointing. it's disappointing because i don't quite measure up. you're beautiful. and...while i know you see the beauty in me...my heart is shielded from absorbing the ementations of your expression. it's...it's...it's........at a loss. so...bearing that in mind...i can elaborate on L, G, and C. oh boy...what an array to work with. we'll start with G. G...you grew up a little more than a stone's throw from me. kindred spirits, you and i. you...you...YOU. G, you are what i think of as ''good people''. it's in you. it's in your mother...your father...your sister. good people. i love you as i love few others. it's not a love of necessity. it's not a love of desperation...nor a love of clinging. there's something simple about this love. yes...it's kindred. a love of compassionate understanding. a love of knowing. not love that leaves me feeling wounded...and helpless. you...are good people. GOOD people. sometimes...i wonder where'd i'd be had we ever endeavoured to walk the path. but...i see you with the other D -- a new union forged with the love of those around -- and it's right. it's very right. and that's not a lonely feeling. good people beget good people. you are BOTH good people. two...it's so ''YES''. so...my love is not a love of mourning. it's beyond. and i think perhaps this is a first in my world. with the others...there's always been a mournful component...something sad and regretful. somehow...i knew it would be you that broke the mold. C. well C...you and i belong to a different sort of continuum than G and i. how is that possible? it's possible because the dynamics of personal relation are impossibly complex and unpredicatable. that's how. you do share a certain point of reference with G, however: the me that is truly me...was never the prude with either of you. the prude operates from a place of unconsciousness. with you (as with G), everything is and was conscious. that's why you're here. you're in resonance. still...there's a sadness where you reside...a sadness that i've felt before (N and K2 come to mind...as well as K1 -- oh...oooooooh K1 -- who also resides in a deeper place...a place reserved for one just now ). and honorable mention to yet another pair of Ks (K3...AND K4? what's with all the K's??????!)...and an A...and an A2...and an R. also...a shout out to J. i'm sure...there are others. to you...the pain is less. it's conscious pain. does it linger? no. it leaves a subtle impression...something almost tangible...but there is release. you're in my heart just now C...but my heart bleeds for another...and will never bleed for you. who...who...? L...it bleeds for L. and that makes no sense. L knows the prude. she knows him well; although, the prude wonders if this is his own creation. L...i'm here right now because of you...but i cannot bring myself to speak of you. i think...you deserve your own entry. i'll hold on for another day... i need...to feel you some more... L............................................................ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted August 17, 2011 Author Share Posted August 17, 2011 and it lingers on... where does the story continue... december has a story to tell. december december...i tell you true. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted August 19, 2011 Author Share Posted August 19, 2011 reflection.... well...i was sitting on my deck just now...listening to the wind in the trees...the sound of muffled traffic just noticeable...the warmth of afternoon sun on my toes...a cold beer in hand...and the sweet, sweet smell of summer...and it's gentle kisses on my cheek. lol...and...there was a bit of reflection. probably most noticeable at first was the absence of any sort of desire to add smoking to this otherwise tranquil sort of moment. it's the sort of moment that only a year ago would've felt decidedly incomplete without the void-filling insanity that was my addiction. the uneasiness is gone. and while i can remember the shadow quite well...it's no longer tangible -- only a memory now. it's...interesting to me. there was a time when i'd have been elated to have stopped scratching the insatiable itch for even just one month! one month. but...that was then. it's quite different now. you see...time doesn't matter to me anymore. while i find it a useful guage in terms of relating my experience to others...it's no longer a motivating factor for me. in fact...it never has been since i TRULY stopped smoking (i consider previous ''attempts'' to have been incomplete and doomed to failure from the start). as i said...it's different. one day at a time completely misses the point from my perspective. in retrospect...i consider that attitude to be the culprit behind many a failed attempt. while others vouch for a feeling of strength in such an attitude...i've always found the opposite to be true for myself. it's all about the bigger picture. today is a part of that picture...and in some ways...it's all that matters...but it's not the reason i choose not to smoke. i'm coming to realize how much i really sank as a smoker. not just physically...but psychologically...emotionally. that was the true essence of the trap for me. i allowed myself to forsake a life that had been quite dear to me. tobacco became such an isolating force. my roots became soured...tainted with the plague of fixation. it was fuel for an already present emotional fire...blessing me with such utter weakness...but always under the guise of strength. ever forward into the darkness...step after agonizing step. the shadow became me...and i beame the shadow. companions. goodbye ambition. farewell active lifestyle. so long to the women who i'd have liked to pursue. ''maybe next year...'' ''yah...i'll get my sh** together by then...'' always justifying. always enabling. always projecting the solution to a fictitious future. abandoning today for the sake of infinite tomorrows. there's a well of emotion in me as i read that last line. 7 years...so long. but then...not so long. still...enough to feel the little pangs of regret...of ''wasted'' time. of a youth spoiled. this...THIS...is what drives me. knowing what i know...there is no force that could compel me to consciously sink to such depths again. the shadows will come, as they always do...but i will no longer 'medicate' -- numb -- to what i find unpleasant. there are better ways. the experience. there's no real regret anymore. humble gratitude for the understanding...to know the destruction of addiction...to relate...to know...to understand and empathize with those whom it has also touched. remember...always remember. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted August 23, 2011 Author Share Posted August 23, 2011 "My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world." thanks for sharing this on your deathbed, Jack Layton. i use capitals for your name...because i respect you for this message. rest in peace... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 "a child born from parents who love each other will have nothing but goodness in his heart..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted September 4, 2011 Author Share Posted September 4, 2011 link removed i haven't laughed like this in years...literally years. maybe i'm just in the right headspace to appreciate it right now. who knows. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted September 4, 2011 Author Share Posted September 4, 2011 "I once had an old cherry tree in my backyard that had to be cut down. (Yes I replaced it with another tree.) A friend of mine asked me to save him a section of the trunk which I gladly did. The section I gave him was about 1 foot long by about 8 inches in diameter. I gave my friend that section of the tree and then I forgot all about it. To me, it was just a simple log. A few weeks later my friend came over to my house and surprised me with a generous gift . What once was a simple log was now a beautiful woman that he had hand carved. I didn't even realize that my friend possessed such talent. I remember him saying to me, "You didn't know that she was inside there did you?" I still possess that sculpture and I learned a valuable lesson from it that I've never forgotten. I often have thought to myself, "How many people are like that old log? How many people only see their limitations.? How many people fail to see the greatness they possess inside?" It is my firm belief that each one of you has what it takes to find that inner goodness. You may be struggling and find it hard to believe that you can do it but don't ever sell yourself short. You really do have it in you. You just have to keep sculpting until you find it. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” Find the extraordinary person that lies within you and I know I'll..... See you at the top." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted September 5, 2011 Author Share Posted September 5, 2011 vent... what would you do without your reactivity...and your righteousness. where would you go. how would you interact. i believe...your world would crumble...as mine has. this place...it doesn't make sense to me anymore. how can such compassionate people lack that very same compassion when it no longer feeds that sense of righteousness? i feel disillusioned. it feels like assault to me sometimes. and i suppose that's my own righteousness taking up the war chant. maybe i'm the same...choosing to see myself in a different shade of gray. it's not such a mystery. it's no mystery to me...why you're alone...and why your compulsive need to feed an illusory sense of self keeps you rooted here. to judge...and step on...and cause separation between yourself and these 'others'. i feel that on some level you're entirely driven by fear...your own insecurity in who you are -- or rather...who you think you are. why else would someone step on another being in such a cruel, compassionless fashion? do we threaten your way of being? how can you pass judgement for that which you do not understand...beyond an instinctive emotional response...and a frenzied identification with the mass hysteria that is a mob mentality. you've bought into your belief structure so thoroughly that there is room for nothing else. to exclude others based on a learned code of conduct.... it's a world of distortions. what would you do without your fear...and your desire. watch as that which once brought strength, and security...watch it...watch it as it becomes your weakness. watch as fear corrupts you from the inside out. watch as it spreads. watch as it goes viral...no longer corrupting by 'choice'...but moving of it's own accord...with precision and perfect, random chaos. watch as it takes hold. watch as it becomes you...as it makes room for nothing but it's own smoky tendrils. watch as your desires take you this way and that way. watch as their fulfillment brings you nothing. but watch as new desires step to the front. filling in the gaps...with seemingly seamless transitions. smoky tendrils. smoky tendrils. you're not better. you're not worse. but there's a part of you that works tirelessly to promote that belief in you. always with the separation. "if her past were your past, her pain your pain, her level of consciousness your level of consciousness, you would think and act exactly as she does. with this realization comes forgiveness, compassion, peace. the ego doesn't like to hear this, because if it cannot be reactive and righteous anymore, it will lose strength." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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