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[Gracelove]

I'm watching 60 minutes, and it's really touching.

 

I really want to join a support group, I think it would be really wonderful. I remember sooooo long ago, I was apart of a support group. It was so nice! It was like a general support group. I loved it, because you were able to hear peoples' stories, they would talk about their day, etc. Then we'd give each other advice. It was just the best thing ever.

 

That would be nice. I know that most support groups are for specific things...that's the only problem.

 

Anywho, I think I'm just missing closeness. I'm missing having a group of people to be with every day.

 

I've been able to see old friends, and loved ones this weekend, and it's been so nice. I've really missed the connection. I miss having a best friend who I see like, almost every day.

 

Anywho, I'm discovering that I really love being around people. Probably as much as I enjoy my me-time. I'm surprised, but lately, when I'm around people I feel so much happier.

 

Whatever my ultimate job is, I really want to help people. That's what I want to do most.

 

My Grandmother ages sooo gracefully. She's just so beautiful. She is who she is and she makes no apologies. I see her sadness but it's not overwhelming, and her happiness far outweighs it. She's always laughing, and I think she's just wonderful.

 

She's so cute, I don't think she fears making mistakes of any kind. Sometimes she'll say things like, "Aww shucks, I should have just kept my big mouth shut", LOL!!! It's sooo cute. She says what she thinks.

I, on the other hand, am always thinking careful before I speak. I'm always weighing everything, but I don't think that's necessarily good.

 

Oh, something I realized. I was feeling down and a bit sick lately, it's partially because I wasn't drinking water! I was dehydrated! I didn't realize it until I had a conversation with a girl I met. Let me tell you, I've been downing the liquids (yesterday and today) and it makes a big difference.

I'm sure it'll get better as time goes on.

 

It's hard to believe that so much of the way you feel is directly connected to nutrition. It's soooo weird.

 

Well, I'm off to get cozy and warm

[Gracelove]

Today was a good day. Every day is a good day, this is what I tell myself.

 

Anywho, it's been a blahhh, kind of day. I ended up driving somewhere far away to get something, and had to wait an hour and a half to be told it was unavailable, ahhh!!!

 

N-E-who. I'm having one of those days where I'm avoiding doing all of the work I'm supposed to be doing. I can be such a procrastinator, although I don't know what the deal is with that.

 

So many people are going through difficult times, and it's kind of a downer.

 

OMG, okay, I'm sure everyone at some point has had to be around someone who is loud, obnoxious, grumpy, and rude, with attitude for days.

Well, I've had to be around someone like that lately and OMG, it's totally testing my patience.

 

I'm like, "whyyy?! Why do I have to be around someone like this?!" I know the answer to that question. I simply have to learn how to deal with people like that, but I don't want to. It requires a lot of energy, to be nice and tolerant of someone like that. Of course I've had to deal with people like this, but not for such a long period of time, OMG.

 

I want to scream sometimes, just scream.

 

I have to watch it though. Sometimes, it just feels like I have to surpress so many things. I have to get over everything, and be tolerant of everything, and be kind to everyone (even jerks).

 

And sometimes I just don't know what to do with all of this stuff I'm holding on to. What am I supposed to do with it all?

 

I would say that basically all of my friends are vocal. Well, many of them. They speak their minds, to anyone, they don't care. They let it all out. One of my friends, I'm pretty sure she actually likes to fight. She's always ready to let someone have it. Not me of course, but just people in general.

I am not that person. Sure, I have thoughts, things I would love to say, but I don't because I don't really think it's appropriate or worth it most of the times.

 

Anywho, if I'm wronged, I usually let it slide. If I open my mouth to address it, it's not good. It's not good, because I never do it. So when I actually open my mouth to address it, it's like every bit of surpressed anger comes out. That is so not good.

 

So ya. I'm just a little....I'm at a place where I've tolerated certain things for a long period of time and I think I'm starting to get angry. I'm being good. I'm reminding myself that I should not take offense, but honestly, I'm getting tired.

 

It's not like I've been mistreated a lot lately. I treat people really well, and I'm treated really well by people. However, you know when you ask God to help you with patience...someone irritating comes along. Well I have been asking God for patience without thinking or remembering what that can result in.

 

Anywho, it's no big thing I guess. At least that's what I tell myself. I try to remind myself that everything is good, and everything is fine, but I'm feeling irritated.

 

One of my friends told me she has to speak her mind because otherwise she'll keep it within and it will hurt her. She says if she just lets it go, she feels much better. I think that works for her, but I don't know that it could work for me. I think it would just make me feel guilty.

 

It's hard being patient sometimes. Not just with people, but in general. Joyce says that you spend most of your time waiting, and that's totally true.

What am I waiting on though?

 

Obviously, even though I feel busy, I'm not busy enough. I need to stay busy, like constantly I think. I have too much time on my hands to think of things.

[Gracelove]

Oh my gosh! God is so good to me I could cry. He always works things out for me. Sometimes I feel like my faith isn't good enough, or strong enough, but he definitely meets me where I am.

 

I had awful anxiety yesterday and this morning. It was paralyzing. I was going to have to deal with a difficult situation and it was too much. I now realize that I do still have triggers.

I was just miserable and sick, and it's like nothing I can describe, I haven't felt that way in such a long time.

 

Just thinking about it now, is a bit too much. I knew that this was just fear and it was irrational, but I couldn't shake it, it was consuming me. I asked God for help. And he helped me, completely. He completely resolved the problem.

 

I don't know, it's weird how things can affect you. Like with the trigger, in my mind I knew it was not a big deal, but for some reason, I was having a difficult time. I really, really asked God for help. I tried to stay optimistic, and I totally felt I was failing at it.

 

He just totally removed that obstacle from my path.

 

I purchased a Joyce meyer book a while ago, because I really felt I should read it. It's about abuse and trauma. I just couldn't bring myself to get through the first few pages. I don't know, I kept telling myself I was okay and that I didn't want to have to bring up difficult things again.

 

Basically I don't want to deal with the traumas of the past, because I don't feel that I can. I guess this book kind of guides you through it, but I've been really afraid to go there.

 

I don't want to hurt anymore. In the book she says something to the effect of having to pass through those same painful doors on the way to healing. If anyone should know about recovering from traumatic events, it would be her.

 

I've been avoiding it, but I don't know, with the bad trigger I had yesterday, I think I just need to take that step. I just have to trust that God will be there for me like he always is. Even though I don't understand it.

 

Anywho, God constantly amazes me. I get disappointed in myself because after he does something wonderful...when it's time for me to trust him again, I still have to work at it. I think that's really awful. He's done so much for me in life already. I should trust him without a second thought in my head.

 

I don't know. I'm just really grateful. I wish I could be better though.

[Gracelove]

I'm watching Modern Family, yeh!

 

I've been eating healthy and I lost 8 pounds. It's sad though because I lost in it what, a few days. My body isn't very happy with me. When I eat too many bad foods for so long, my body gets mad and I can only eat healthy foods. In other words if I'm not eating healthy foods I'm sick. So I've been eating healthy, because nothing else agrees with me right now. But's that's fine.

I'm happy about it, because I'm supposed to be taking care of my body anyway.

 

I'm really tired though. I've been working really hard lately.

 

You know how it is when you are dead tired, and so much is going on in your head that you want to scream, yet you have a lot of work to do? ahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

That's how I feel right now. I am so tired I could freakin cry. However I won't. Instead I'll suck it up and keep on living.

 

I'm just on another wave length right now. I think wayyyyyy too much, honestly, sometimes it can all drive me up a wall and I have to talk myself down. It's an annoying character trait.

 

I'm enjoying school. Honestly I am. Sometimes it's stressful because I often worry about whether or not I'm managing my time properly. Especially since I was out of school for such a long period of time.

 

I soooo want to go to sleep right now. After this week I'll be okay. I really should be okay right now though. Some people are so care free about everything, even school. I admire those people, they go with the flow, nothing phases them, and life is one, big, wonderful journey.

 

Okay, so I'm in a group, and we're supposed to do a group project, but guess who's doing all the work? And guess who found out they'd have to do everyone else's part at the last minute? Umm ya.

 

It's weird because even though I'm picking up the slack, I feel a real sense of pressure because I know people are relying on me. However I shouldn't be feeling pressure at all right? I can do it, it's no problem, except that for some reason it's stressing me.

 

I tell you I have had the longest day. I had a 4.5hr. learning session and my brain is like, please, no more! It was on material totally unrelated to the group thing.

 

I think my head hurts. Have you ever had to absorb so much information you just wanted to scream? Like, overload. I've been concentrating too hard on too many things. Yes, I know it will all pay off, but for right now, I want deliverance (sp?).

 

In school I remember I would work sooo hard, and then it would be fine because I'd drink on the weekends. It's sad, but my guy friends got me into that.

 

I would just tell myself, "It's okay, don't worry, because the weekend is coming and it's vodka time". However I don't drink anymore, so it's not so easy to unwind. Believe me. When you've wound yourself up, there is no instant relief, it's like a gradual trek down the mountain.

 

It sucks not being able to instantly unwind. I think being able to relax is sooooo important. Yet it's hard to relax sometimes.

 

Anywho, I better get to work.

[Gracelove]

Hey There!

 

This is just an update. Things have been going really well. School ended on a beautiful note. I learned a lot about faith, and just trusting in God even when it seems like things won't work out.

 

Christmas was wonderful I was able to spend time with family and friends and it was actually nice. I wasn't thrilled about the idea of having company, because I've been a bit of a party pooper in that way. When I'm out and about, I'm really social, but when I'm home I just want time to myself, I don't really want to entertain.

 

Anywho, I just changed my thinking, put on the happy face and entertained company, it was tons of fun! I actually had fun.

 

Now it's time to start the New Year. I think the New year will be wonderful, challenging of course, but things will work out well.

 

I'm really grateful for all of the lessons I've learned this year, and for all of the support I've received. I'm really happy that I'm learning how to make life better by changing the way I think of things. I'm just happier that I'm able to trust God more, it makes me feel safe and a million times more happy.

 

So ya, that's all I guess.

[Gracelove]

So, it's the New Year and Ive decided to get back into the dating game. It's something that is necessary. If I ever want to have a normal life, truly, I need to do it. I need to move on. I signed up on a dating website....I can't describe it, but I feel sick. I don't know why, I just do. I'm going to do it, because it's necessary. However, after being alone for so long, and not have the best relationships in the past, I just don't have good feelings about it.

 

I've encountered more men, recently, who show interest, and I don't know what to do with that. I'm polite, but very "shut down". I feel like I don't want to give anything. Flirting...I know it's something you have to do so that a guy knows you're interested....I just don't want to do it.

 

It's really difficult, even just thinking about breaking out of my old ways. It's uncomfortable for me to be open with a guy, unless he's gay. I have no problem having fun with gay guys, but that's besides the point. It's just that it's going to take sooo much work, on my part. And I know it's going to be really painful. Really painful.

 

I have a really sweet friend who has been through a lot. And she has her fairytale now, basically. She reminds me that I'm not young any more. And it's helpful but.....

 

I don't know, it's like I was feeling sooo comfortable with myself. Very happy, just everything great. I was feeling confident. And then I kept hearing things about me and relationships. Like people would ask me about it. Some people believe I'm just secretive and have someone. And the people that know I don't, they keep pushing. Even my grandma, in the middle of her Alzheimer's moment told me "it's time". I don't know.

 

What do I do? I mean I know of some people who are interested, but I've really shut them down, so I don't know how I'm supposed to go back and say I'm interested now. Especially when I don't really feel that way in my heart. And I don't just want to go out with people, or start a relationship with someone just because I feel pressured.

 

I don't want another problem, you know?

 

If I feel kind of shut down towards guys, how am I supposed to know which one to choose?

 

I don't know. Like, I could really choose to love anyone, but not everyone knows how to love, you know? Like someone may say that they love you, but their "love" can be toxic.

 

I don't know, at one point and time I thought I was with the man that was perfect for me. I was obviously mistaken. Do I just go with anyone now?

 

I just wish I wasn't going through this right now. I have some beautiful friends who are married. Their marriages aren't great all of the time. I mean some aren't in love with their husbands, and vise versa. Some of them don't really get help from their husbands or their husbands don't want to spend time with them. I admire them though, because they are beautiful and happy being themselves. Despite all of that, they manage. I don't want to just manage though. My parents love each other, and I would like that too. I know it was a lot of work, and everything but.....

 

I don't know, if I could have a child when I was 100 years old, things would be a lot easier for me right now. I'd have more time to just be. I'd have more time to be by myself, to not have to nagavite what we call "the dating world". I mean honestly. Dating? What is that anyway? Craziness.

 

And another thing, like what is it with younger guys showing interest? It's just weird. You don't want to hurt their feelings, but it's like...I am wayyyy older than you. I don't know. I don't want to be closed-minded, but I don't want to be a fool either. I don't want to just randomly select someone, who shows interest. I mean what is that?

 

This is why I cherish girlfriends. It doesn't matter who you date in life, or what's going on. With girlfriends you always find the emotional support that you need.

 

Anywho, enough of that. I need to focus on other things. I can't think too much about this dating thing. It stresses. Although I did promise myself that I would give it an honest effort. It's just that when you flirt with guys, they get really pushy. That, I don't like at all. It's too much.

Men are just so aggressive. You know. Too aggressive. I don't like it.

[Gracelove]

I'm feeling so much better today. I'm not worried about the dating thing, or dreading it anymore. The most important thing is that I'm happy. I'm just going to be myself, and continue to live my life. Everything has been going really well for me and it's silly to have a major falling out over taking a new step.

 

So ya. I feel a million times better. I think that sometimes I take things wayyy to seriously. I watch too much stuff on television about murder and kidnappings and everything else, LOL! But the truth is, I can have a happy life. I'm just going to be me, and whatever happens. So ya.

 

I was feeling kind of depressed, even today, until I gave myself a reality check. Right now I'm getting to know a guy, not on a romantic level at all, but he's pretty cool. So ya, there's nothing to be afraid of, I just have to be me, but more open, and much less fearful.

 

There are lots of really wonderful and sweet people out there, I meet them all of the time, so it's silly to think that I'll only meet bad people once I start the whole dating process. I'm going to meet lots of sweet people in that process as well.

 

Also, one of my parents isn't feeling so well right now, and I think that added a bit to feeling depressed. I love my parents a lot, and I want them to be healthy. It's going to be fine though, I just have to enjoy what little life I have, because you never know when it may end.

 

I'm also learning how to be more vunerable, scaaary. LOL! I don't know. I just feel soooooo much better.

[Gracelove]

I've decided to just be comfortable being alone right now. I'm still going to be open to the dating thing though. I'm really fortunate because relationships with friends in my life have grown. Also, having more intimate knowledge of my friends and their marriages....well, it's pretty discouraging. It's a bit of a kill-joy.

 

Anywho, there is a person who expressed interest a while ago. I kind of thought he was weird to be honest (although I must admit, he's attractive). And I don't know how old he is, because I'm sure he's way too young. However, I don't like the idea of dating anyone younger than me, I don't know, it just feels wrong.

 

Anywho, he would talk to me whenever he saw me, just about random things. He would always compliment me, etc. After being dismissive for a while, he became more quiet. I know my response, or lack there of, was discouraging...I know it hurt his feelings a bit. I would avoid him as well, when I saw him, I honestly just felt uncomfortable.

 

Well, it's been two years already....I saw him, and I told myself that I would be nice to him. I would smile, be pleasant. He seemed to appreciate it. He even told me he looked for me at my place of work (creeeepppyyy!). Just kidding. Not really.

 

Anywho, I don't know. I don't know. Is he really weird, as I first thought? Or is he just a normal guy that's interested? I mean two years is a long time to be interested in someone.

 

I'm sure that if I continue to be nice to him, he'll ask me out. I guess I shouldn't be afraid of that. I don't just want him showing on my doorstep, like "surprise!". I've dealt with craziness like that before, so I'm not at all interested in that.

 

So ya, I'm trying to...well, I know now that I can't allow my feelings to rule me. I don't feel like thinking about dating, but I have to be realistic, and at least give it a chance. As a woman, your youth only lasts so long. Men tend to look better as they age, for women it's the opposite.

 

Anywho, honestly, I've ended up dating some pretty crazy people. I think it's because I was young, and naive, and would go out with anyone who asked me because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings by saying no. That was ages ago though.

 

I don't want to do that again. Just date someone because they ask, only this time it would be because I'm trying to be "open".

 

We'll see. Honestly, dating is dangerous. It's not always just a go-with-the-flow kind of thing. It can be really bad, dating the wrong person is not that great.

 

Anywho, ya. I guess maybe I should kind of be open to younger guys, but I think two years younger is as low as I'm willing to go (*barf*).

 

I just want to think of happy things right now.

 

One thing that I'm glad I've learned to do recently, which has helped me a lot...is that now if I'm starting to feel really depressed, I can decide to be happy instead. I don't really think of it right away, but when I do, I just choose to be happy and I focus on the wonderful things in my life. It's helpful.

 

And I think my goal this year, will be to go on a date. I think that will be my one goal. And no, I won't get in the car with that person. And yes I will let everyone I know, know their first and last name and where we are going. BUT I am honestly going to go on a date, and get dressed up, and smile, and pretend to feel comfortable with whoever that person may be. I'm going to give it my all, because sometimes, you've just got to be brave.

[Gracelove]

Things are changing, but it feels like they aren't changing quickly enough. *Side note: I'm on my period (so I'm a wee bit emotional)*

Anywho, you know how sometimes a person comes into your life and they give you the perfect advice at the perfect time? Well that happened to me yesterday.

 

Anywho, thanks to that person and the wonderful advice they gave me, I now know that I need to discover what I'm passionate about in life, what makes me truly happy, and that needs to be my priority. I know this is so true. The person also warned me about getting involved in relationships, in my current state. I agree with this as well.

 

So, naturally, once I make up my mind to put myself first, and discover my purpose in life (eliminating any distractions)...someone from my past, walks into my present. This is someone I've had feelings for, for almost 10 years. Now this person is in my life, and he's expressing interest, and I really want him. I realllllly want him.

 

The old me, would go for it. I would just express my feelings and let the chips fall where they may. That however, would be extremely reckless (and immature). Especially since I'm not supposed to be having any serious relationships right now, because I'm not in the place I'm supposed to be.

 

I've thought of the person soooo many times. I've wondered if I made a mistake in not becoming serious with him. Honestly, I've kept my feelings about him secret from everyone. I don't know, it's a weird kind of connection we have. We didn't talk for years, then we spoke once when I was engaged and his feelings were clear. It actually made me feel good at the time to know he still loved me. Then we didn't talk for more years.

 

 

Anywho, I realllllllly have feelings for him, and I know he feels that way too, and it's irritating me today, because I can't go there. Even after all of these years everything with him is just perfect. We gel, we are so perfect together, and I totally think he's my husband. He's perfect for me, and I'm perfect for him. Our mutual friend has been trying to get us together for years. He always mentions him, and I always reject the notion. However now I feel brave enough. I feel like I just want to get it done. BUT, now I have new information, I received advice that is as good as gold. So now, I'll have to be patient.

 

Right now I'm thinking, it's almost been a freakin decade and we still feel really strongly for each other, can we please make this work already. However, I can't be a romantic fool. I have responsibilities. I have to make sure that I'm together first. I have to make sure that I have my own identity before I am able to define myself as being apart of a couple.

 

I'm going to make the right decision this time. I really am. I want him in my life, but I also want to find my true purpose you know? It's hard. It just feels like, I don't want to wait...but I have to.

 

I don't know, it's just like I've been waiting for him, and he's been waiting for me. Just where we are in life right now, and we're so similar. I know I hurt him in the past, and he's still there you know. Still open. I just feel like I want to run to him. The idea of dating really scared me not long ago, the idea of him doesn't. He's so sweet, he's everything I want in a guy. I knew that back then but I was foolish and young.

 

I have to be careful though. I can't just like, play games you know. I can't say I want to go there with him, then become afraid of making a commitment or something. It's just that when people are in love they are irrational. I don't really want a guy to have that type of control over me again. But seriously, I don't think I'd mind with him, because I don't think he'd abuse that. I know his heart well enough to know that it is good.

 

Anywho, enough of that.

 

I have another really significant relationship, with my best friend. I tell you, it's so wonderful. It's like we're sisters. I'm just really blessed and really fortunate to have her. She makes all of the difference in the world in my life. I mean I can be completely open with her, and that's something I really appreciate.

 

Things are going well, so I wonder why I feel the way that I do. I feel weird. Maybe it's just the hormones, but it's uncomfortable. I feel like crying. I think giving up control is just difficult for me. Letting go, is difficult. Worrying about the future is stupid, but I do it. Worrying about whether my work will be good enough, is stupid. Worrying about whether I'm good enough, it's stupid, and silly.

 

Someone told me that I'm in a shell but they can tell that I want to break free. That is so true. But how do I do that? How do I break free from this invisible thing that seems to be keeping me in place. I feel so sedated sometimes.

 

Right now I just feel like I want to be happy, fanciful, and in love. I want him here with me right now, and I want to tell him, how much I really care about him, and how much he really means to me. I know he would love that, LOL! Oh my freaking goodness, I never thought this would happen in a million years. I know he thought I hated him, LOL! He really did. Now he knows that's not true, but he has no clue of the feelings I've had all this time. That would freakin blow his mind.

 

I know exactly what he thinks right now. He's happy, but he's confused. He doesn't quite get it.

 

He got under my skin, and he did really annoy me, because he was perfect for me, but I didn't want him. And that irritated me. I thought about him a lot. And I wasn't that nice to him. I was always pushing him away. I just didn't want that, you know. I didn't want to go there. The fact that he loved me so much, bothered me. Isn't that twisted? It's what I always said I wanted, to be truly loved, and he truly loved me, and it made me not want him. Isn't that the stupidest thing you've ever heard? Obviously I felt that way because I had issues with myself. I didn't love myself the way I needed to.

 

Now, I don't care. I want him, because he has the most beautiful spirit. He's wonderful, and I just want to do everything I can for him, because he deserves it. I was so not nice to him. It's not like I terrorized him, but I kind of like, constantly rejected him, and that's hurtful. Rejection is hurtful I know. Especially for men. I feel so badly about that. But, if he'll let me, I'll make it up to him.

 

I just feel so excited. Just talking to him...it's always been that way though. Even when I was pretending to be upset with him about something, I never wanted our conversations to end. So we would bicker, LOL! Neither of us wanted to get off of the phone, but I wasn't going to express my feelings for him, and he wasn't going to keep opening himself up for rejection. So that was what we did. We'd just go back and forth, and both of us would be frustrated and unhappy. He's got to be the most patient person around.

 

I just want to confess everything to him, and tell him I'm sorry. But I can't do that right now, I just have to wait.

 

Anywho, one of my guy friends wants to hang out. The problem is, I think he might have alterior motives. We were close at one point, then I kind of bailed, now we're going to hang out. I noticed that when a guy gets too close, I tend to run. I was kind of tramatized by my first serious relationship. Not the one with the gay fiance, but the other one. So I freak out, and I panic. If I would not have met my ex-fiance, right after I was raped, I probably wouldn't have gotten with him, because I had serious guy issues.

 

That first relationship, with the crazy, abusive stalker, really wound me up tight. I was like over it.

 

However, I don't care anymore. I'm going to make logical decisions, and not be scared of things like that. The guy that's perfect for me, has just walked back into my life, and I'm not letting him go.

 

And as for my guy friend, we're just going to be friends. Just because we're hanging out, it's not a date, no.pressure.please. Last time he was getting a little too close for my comfort, and I was not feeling it at all.

[Gracelove]

Okay, recently I've been eating healthy foods. I've also been taking vitamins and working out. Usually when my period comes around I get depressed and emotional. However this time it's different. To be quite frank I feel like a cat in heat.

 

It's horrible. Absolutely horrible. It's weird, I don't feel physically stressed or uncomfortable, but my thoughts. OMG, it's not good. This has got to be the most bizarre experience ever.

 

I couldn't even sleep last night, because I kept having sexual thoughts about this guy I like. I don't do that. I mean that doesn't happen to me. I couldn't sleep, how crazy is that? I feel like my hormones are turning me into a crazy person.

I don't know who I would talk to about this. Would I call a gynecologist? I mean, who could explain this to me? Is this a result of supplements I've been taking? Like what is the deal?

 

If I actually e-mailed my doctor. I would probably receive a response long after these feelings have subsided, and I would feel completely embarrassed.

 

I don't want to do the work I have to do, although I will, because I have a deadline. It's like I'm freakin suffering.

 

I've even entertained the notion of calling this guy, but I totally wouldn't do that, not ever. I'm not afraid of what his response would be, because I know what it would be. It's just not appropriate, and when he saw me, he'd expect me to put out.

 

I think it must be more than a hormonal thing though. If it were just a hormonal thing, wouldn't I be fantasizing about anyone? I think it's got to be emotional too, because it's just this one person. It's so freakin bizarre. I mean seriously. I just feel weird.

 

I'm going to text him, but I'm not going to say anything dirty.

 

OMG, I remember one-time I was on my period. And I met this guy, and I was totally not myself. I was flirting shamelessly, and I don't flirt. We were just into each other, and it's awful because his girlfriend was right there, next to him. It took me a while to even realize what I was doing, it was like I had be transported to another planet. I had to tell myself, in my head, repeatedly, "stop it" "stop it", it was like I was a different person. I'm very conservative in my temperment, especially outside of my house. I was soooooo memesmerized by this guy. He was like an angel, I was soooooo into him.

 

Anywho, so after my period ended, I still thought of him.

 

A while later, this guy comes by, and he's really looking at me. Gazing in my eyes, giving this huge smile, everything. I didn't even recognize that this was the same guy I was flirting with a couple of months prior.

When I say I had no idea who this person was or why they were so friendly....OMG.

 

It wasn't until after he left that someone brought it to my attention. I didn't even recognize his face. I mean, he kept staring at me. I could tell this was someone I must have met before, by the way he was acting, but I didn't know him. I didn't get it. Talk about craziness.

 

So I think that hormones can really mess with your head.

 

Thankfully this is something extremely rare for me, but it makes me unhappy when it happens.

 

Anywho, I better do my work now.

 

These feelings are driving me crazy though. And I don't know what to do.

[Gracelove]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Gracelove]

I am sooooooooo sleepy. You have no idea. I feel like my heart is telling me to take a chill pill. I haven't been getting nearly the amount of sleep that I need, and I just want to curl up in a ball somewhere.

 

I can't do that however, because I have work to do. I'm drinking energy drinks, but I'm definitely going to have to say prayers to get through everything today.

 

Actually I feel like crying. I'm not sad, it's just that lack of sleep makes you emotionally unstable, or so I've read. I went to a work-out class and totally got my butt kicked. What my body needed most after that session was rest. I deprived my body of that, and that's really horrible. Now, I'm going to get my butt kicked again, and I still won't be able to rest, not until tonight anyway.

 

So Jesus is definitely going to help me through this day, I know that much. I certainly can't make it through this day on my own.

 

I think I might have to crawl out of the gym today. My eyes are red. I want to take a nap but if I do, I won't wake up for a while, ahhhhh!

 

This is what happens when you don't plan properly. Also when you're sleepy, you move more slowly, and you become a space cadet.

 

I am so sleepy, that last night, after drinking 2 Red Bulls, I fell asleep. I only got about 3-4 hours of sleep on top of that. And the night before I only got 2 hours of sleep. And right now I'd love to scream, LOL!

 

Otherwise I can't complain. I'm having a wonderful time. Life is good, friends are good, acquaintances are great (did I spell that right). When I become really sleepy I struggle to spell simple words and everything looks foreign to me, LOL!

 

I was so sleepy yesterday, that when this guy kept touching my back after trying to ask me out...I couldn't even do anything. I thought "Wow, that was annoying", but that was it. I was completely tired yesterday, like a Zombie. I didn't care about much, LOL!

 

I am happy though, sooooo happy. God is soooo good to me, and so sweet, and loving and kind. Life is just awesome.

 

I'm meeting so many wonderful people. I met the sweetest girl yesterday. We had so much fun talking. I love meeting people. Like, sweet people. LOL! I've been meeting so many sweet people. It's wonderful.

 

I received soooo many hugs yesterday! I mean I do hug people. I don't know what was different about yesterday. I was super out of it. But I got like hugs from everyone. It was nice.

 

My life is changing so drastically. And of course I give all credit to God. I mean, you have to trust him, and have faith. I decided to trust him, and step out of my comfort zone and things are just awesome. I'm so happy. Life is changing. It means the world to me. Who would have thought.

I mean, remember all that crap I was rolling in, LOL! I did not have a happy life. I was sad, and angry, and I want holding on to sooo many things.

I know it's the process of grieving and all, but that took so long! OMG! I was like, when is this stuff going to end.

 

Let me just say, I'm just glad it's over. And I'm glad God has helped me to this point in life, because I sure needed it.

 

Now I'm free, and I'm open, and I can be myself, and I LOVE IT. I love loving people, and I love being loved back.

 

I was always loving towards others, but I wasn't open to receiving it myself. Now, my world is just different. I'm so open to it, and I'm having a blast.

 

I must say, sometimes when you're really hurt, you close yourself off to others because you just can't take being hurt anymore. However, that's the opposite of what you should do. It all takes time and guidance though. You can't rush the healing process. It is what it is. However, there comes a time when you know you need to let go and move on, and at that point....feel free to fly.

[Gracelove]

I feel so good, my day is finished and everything is good, sleep finally. I had a bit on my mind at times today. Things have changed quickly, for the better, but suddenly. I'm happy though. I feel a bit like I'm in a fairytale and I don't ever want to wake from it.

 

My love called me tonight. I didn't expect it. I was getting ready for bed, but he called me. I was so happy. He was so sleepy, LOL! He called just to hear my voice, and see how my day went. He is the sweetest person, I love hearing his voice. Talking to him puts the biggest smile on my face. It's like I've found my place in life. That's how it feels when I'm with him, it's comforting, he feels like home.

 

Anywho, I'm finally going to get sleep, yeh!!! I'm falling asleep as we speak.

[Gracelove]

I want to break up with my new boyfriend already. I know, it's bad. I'm not going to tell him yet or anything.

 

I want to text him, not to break up, but to say something about our relationship, but I won't. My friends think I shouldn't text him at all, just wait until he texts me.

I feel like I want to get this all over with.

If I wait until he calls or texts me, chances are, knowing myself, I won't want to be bothered by then.

 

I don't want to hurt him at all. I do love him. I don't just want to cut him off.

 

I spoke with my best guy friend today, who is his best friend. I asked him if he thought we would work, and he said, "no". After I heard that I felt free. I felt that I didn't have to worry about anything anymore. I thought I could let go of him and move on without worry or anything.

 

I don't want to hurt him though. He wanted to be assured that I would be with him, and I did that. I don't know, he's not communicating with me.

 

I've asked a couple of people I know about the whole thing. Some said they don't need to talk to their significant other every day. I've been told not to jump to conclusions. I've also received some input from this website.

 

I want to tell him that I think we jumped into things too soon. If it's over, I think we should both be aware of that. It's just the things my guy friend said, and the way he said them. I feel like I shouldn't be wasting my time. I feel like this whole thing is over before it began.

 

The horrible thing is that so many people have asked me if I have a boyfriend recently, and I've said yes. I regret that. I couldn't lie though and say no.

 

It's just that after being alone for so long. I took a chance on him. I believed him to be sincere. I promised to be his wife. OMG. I promised that. It's hard to say, "just kidding". I mean, I don't know, I felt like I wanted that, but now I don't even feel like I know him.

 

I want to text him and tell him that I love him, because I really do. I haven't done that over the past couple of days. I don't know how he feels about that. I don't know if he even cares. I don't know if he's sincere, but I'm starting to think that he's not.

 

I just hate not knowing. I want to know how he feels so that I can make a decision for my life. Like, if someone asks me out, do I say yes or no? I think I should talk to him first, and let him know that I think we should date other people.

 

I don't want to waste more years of my life, being with someone who says they want to marry me, for their own strange reasons. I should be keeping my options open. Why does he want to marry me anyway? That's a question I should ask him.

 

I know there is the love thing. Me being in love with him. It is what it is. I'm not a fool though. I've already made the mistake of agreeing to marry someone for love and love alone. It takes two people wanting to make a relationship work. I'm just starting to doubt the whole thing.

 

He claims to really love me, but I don't know about that.

 

I think I'm going to text him. I'm not feeling very patient right now.

 

Nevermind, I think I'm going to take one of my guy friend's advice. If I don't hear from him in 3 days, I'm dumping him. Sounds like a simple and clear cut plan to me. If he doesn't talk to me in 3 days, it's obviously over, and I'll have no problems making it official.

 

I don't know what's wrong with me. How did I end up in a relationship anyway? It all happened so fast. I can't tell you how it got from one moment to the next. Before I know it we're getting married and I'm supposed to move out to live with him early next year. I know that if a guy talks about marrying you early, it's not a good thing. However, since we first interacted about 10 years ago, I thought maybe it was going to quickly because he felt for me all of those years. I mean he even said that. Why would he play games now?

 

Well, I'm going to sleep. He's got two more days, and that's it.

 

Even though I'm dumping him if I don't hear from him, it's going to make me soooo sad. I love him so much. However I have to be honest, there a chance that the person I love isn't the real him afterall.

[Gracelove]

OMG! I am like so happy right now!

 

So I decided to let go of my boyfriend yesterday. Obviously he wasn't really trying to be with me, he was just playing games for his own amusement. Despite that I was soooooooo sad about it. I mean I was feeling depressed, for so many reasons.

 

I didn't sleep well at night, and it was awful.

 

This morning, I knew I had a ton of work to do for school. Work that I had blown off, focused on this new boyfriend of mine. Do you know I've missed two class assignments wrapped up in all of this stuff? Ahhh! Craziness. Anywho.

 

This morning I told myself to just focus on Jesus instead of letting the depression overwhelm me. I did that and it really helped me a lot. I started to feel so much better.

 

I honestly think that guy was like a test for me, and I kind of failed it. Like everything was going well before we started talking. I was on top of my school work. I was making time for my devotion in the mornings. I was making sure I went to bed at a decent hour, I was eating healthy foods, etc.

 

Well this guy comes along and everything blows up. I mean everything. The only thing that didn't change was me taking time to go to the gym, and eating healthy.

 

I mean I was even thinking I would sleep with this guy when we met. Even after I told myself and God I wouldn't sleep with anyone else until after I was married. That is totally for my benefit as well. If I sleep with someone, I'm super, super attached. I mean could you imagine if I met this guy like months from now, we slept together, and then he didn't call? I would be a complete and utter wreck, seriously, it would ruin me so badly.

 

Anywho, I asked God to forgive me just for my craziness. A man comes along and then I'm not spending special time with God anymore, I mean that's absurd.

 

Anywho, I'm really excited because there is this reallllllly attractive guy, and I turned him down because of my new "relationship". Anywho, he's giving me another chance!!!! Ahhh!!!! He's like so sweet, and he really wants to get to know me, and it's awesome.

 

I hope this one turns out okay. However regardless, God comes first, and I come second. I can't rearrange my whole life because a man enters it. I've got to take care of myself. Here we go, I totally want to pass this test.

 

God sure knows how to cheer me up!

[Gracelove]

God is so kind to me! Tonight went well, my teacher accepted my late assignment, yeh! The one I missed while in crazy-land.

 

It's so weird, this whole thing. I mean craziness. Things are well, I had fun interacting with people this evening, it was great, but....the more I think about the last, crazy, week and a half of my life...omg. What was that? It was craziness.

 

I know that things are going well, and everything works out for the best, etc. etc. However it's like, "Who was I talking to?" A figment of my imagination? Like he made me commit to him, and then.......gone.

 

I know my friend spoke to him and that definitely contributed to this. And I love my friend sooo much. He's the best in the world and he's looking out for me.

I'm glad this whole thing is over, but to be honest, it was fun!

 

Yes, fun! Fun, fun, fun! LOL! I think I'm really going to love dating. This break-up, oh, excuse me, it's not a break-up...how can you break up with someone you've never met?

 

Anywho, there is something that is so weird. When I'm in a relationship I'm happy and free. I smile soooo much, so much more than I already do.

 

While I was in this week-+-long relationship, I've been super carefree. As a result men I've seen kind of regularly, and men I've never seen before have been approaching me.

 

I noticed today, now that I'm single, I'm a bit uptight again. Just that being in a relationship makes me feel safe, and as a result I'm more outgoing, it's weird.

 

I miss having a boyfriend. Having a boyfriend is so much fun. I just love having someone to baby, LOL! I think that's it. I love having someone to spoil, fun, fun, fun. I love being romantic, and telling someone how wonderful they are all day. It makes me happy.

 

Anywho, I am soooo sleepy. I need to go to sleep.

 

I feel happy. I'm so glad about that. It's nice feeling happy. One thing I love about Jesus is that he gives me so many chances. I mess up, then I get another chance, and another one. And when I'm feeling sad he always cheers me up. I'm so lucky.

 

OMG, I heard this song lyric today that totally sums up what I was feeling earlier, "You got mad because you bought the dream that they sold you".

 

That is soooo true. That has happened to me so many times. I have this dream, that I've wanted so badly, for so long. Then a man comes along selling me that dream, and I buy it. Even if it's a bunch of crap, I buy into it, because I want that dream so badly. Shame, shame, shame.

 

Oh well, what can I say. I just hope this new guy isn't selling false dreams in a bottle. I want someone who is genuine, is that too much to ask? Just be honest, that's it, I'm requesting nothing more.

Oh well, one day. One day I'll meet the guy that's perfect for me, and we'll have tons of fun together.

[Gracelove]

I'm probably going to regret writing this, but I feel like I'm in love with someone. This person isn't good for me, and the truth is that I could just be in love with an image I have of him in my head...but I really miss him.

 

I won't call him, because I have more self-respect than that. I don't know. It's hard to believe that everything he told me was a lie. We totally like each other. I know he isn't good for me though. So, I won't make more trouble for myself.

 

There have been men that I've been really into, but we are never good for each other. You know, when you have this connection that you can't explain and you just really love being with each other? It's never a good thing for some reason.

It makes me feel really sad. I feel like I've been waiting for that perfect person, forever.

 

Then when you find someone great, if never works because the issues you have keep you apart. I don't know it's weird.

 

I guess I should be grateful that I haven't made huge mistakes, in getting married.....it's just difficult. If a man comes along, that's truly right for me, will there even be chemistry? Will I be attracted to this person?

So far, the people I've been attracted to, they've had really bad sides. They've had really wonderful qualities, however they've had bad childhoods that have really affected them, and their views of women.

[Gracelove]

I just saw an episode of Dr. Drew's lifechangers that was really good for me. It was about this lady who dates these ridiculously dangerous men.

 

I felt sorry for her. She's a beautiful woman, in my eyes anyway. She's sweet. Yet she has this major problem. Which they got to the heart of on the show.

 

I kind of realized things about myself. Even as a young child, when older men would do inappropriate things that made me uncomfortable, I didn't really say anything. However, those things really hurt me, and made me feel uncomfortable.

 

I've always been told that I'm sweet, and I was always complimented by adults, as a child, for my behavior.

 

I don't know, just watching this whole thing...it made me feel sad.

 

Now I'm at a place where I realize it's okay to show aggression. I don't know. Regardless of what I think, I'm always polite, even when I shouldn't be.

 

In life, certain people have treated me wrongly, repeatedly, because I never showed that I was affected by it in any way. I don't know, I just don't think that...I think that, maybe, I should change.

 

Maybe if I were more aggresive, certain things in my life would be different.

 

I don't know, I don't really want to dwell on it too much. It's just something new to think about.

[Gracelove]

OMG! Okay, I've been feeling a little down. I've been working out a lot, and I'm starting to look good. Then for some reason I started binge eating again. I just saw something on television where someone who was abused, talked about how she doesn't want to lose weight because of the attention she gets from men.

 

It's so weird, because I've known this about myself, because of therapy. However, it can be so subtle sometimes. I was receiving attention from men, more attention, and I thought I was okay with it, but I guess I'm not.

 

It just makes me really sad, because I've been working so hard. I've been working really, really hard. I just feel a little anxious, and it makes me want to cry. I don't like it when men stare at me. I'm okay socializing with men briefly, I have nothing against that.

However I don't like it when a man watches walk from one place to another. When someone doesn't even pretend to not be staring at you....it really bothers me. It actually makes me a little angry.

 

I've been dealing with that a bit lately, and it's getting to me. I don't like it. It gives me the creeps. I've allowed this to depress me. This whole week I've felt really depressed. I haven't even wanted to leave my home. I have though, I've left to go to the gym, or do small things. I don't like feeling scared, especially when it's irrational.

I'm okay with a certain amount of attention, but when it becomes constant, I feel threatened. Seriously.

 

When I'm in a relationship, I don't feel that way so much, because usually I'm with people who are a little possessive, so I feel safer. I feel that things won't happen really, and if someone tries, then the person I'm with can take care of that (if it comes to that).

 

It's just reallllllllllllllllllllly annoying. I hate going backwards. I hate it. I want to be my thin self, I want to be in shape. I don't want men staring at me. At all. Honestly, don't look at me. I can take it to a point, but it really feels threatening.

 

Whatever, I need to be hypnotized. I can't live like this for the rest of my life. I can't.

 

I guess I feel that eating is my only protection. I do. I can't make people not do things. I can't make men not look at me. I can't control what other people do.

 

I think that maybe I should take Tae Kwondo lessons again. I think that I need to get my aggression out in other ways. The only problem is that I've had problems with male instructors in the past. Taking liberties and doing inappropriate things. I hate that.

I know, I need to find a female Tae Kwondo instructor. That'll be fine.

I don't want to be an angry person. However, I need empowerment. I need to know, that I can seriously defend myself if I need to. And I need it to be second nature. I need to practice beating people up on a regular basis.

 

So ya, I think that's what I'm going to do.

 

You may look, but don't you dare try to take liberties, honestly. And no one is drugging me again, because I'm too smart for that. I am seriously going to learn to how hurt people. I need to be a weapon. So yes, this is going to be my new life, LOL!

 

I honestly have to figure out how to live like a normal person, and this is how I'm going to do it.

[Gracelove]

Today was actually very nice. It didn't start off that way, but it has ended that way. I was having a little difficult with anxiety earlier, however the cure for that is to be around people. I was around people and I had fun talking to people, yes, even men, LOL!

 

I don't have issues with regular men. Actually I've been having really nice conversations with men. It just becomes a problem when I receive that lustful look. Or if they are staring, or if they try to approach me. That can really weird me out sometimes. However, in other instances I'm fine.

 

I'm going to actually get a decent night sleep tonight. I'm going to wake up early, and go to the gym. And I'm going to have a good day.

 

I like having time alone to rest and relax, but it can be unhealthy for me. Especially depending on the time of month. I can end up feeling depressed and then I only want to be more alone. It's not good. I don't embrace depression, however I don't think I can completely ignore it. Sometimes I'm going to get depressed.

 

It's funny because a while ago I was diagnosed with Major depression. Well there is this man I know who talks about having Major depression, and he doesn't seem to care at all. Like he doesn't mind announcing it, he embraces it.

I honestly don't think I would ever admit that in public, especially since it's so contrary to my image.

I don't want people thinking I'm depressed, especially when I only feel that way sometimes.

Anywho, I think sometimes I do have to be careful. When I start to feel down I can't just ignore it, I have to force myself to get out of my house. Otherwise I'll be sad.

 

Even though I don't care to be busy, it's best if I am.

 

Well, I'm off to bed.

[Gracelove]

Today is such a beautiful day! I can't believe it's been 6 years already! Time really flies. I just feel so happy at the way my life has improved. I'm really grateful to God for helping me through everything and helping me along.

 

Already, my day is going nicely. I'm doing well on my work. So I'm going to have a great day today. I'm going to celebrate all of the good things in my life, and the people who've supported me along the way.

 

I'm realllllly, reallly blessed.

[Gracelove]

I'm watching this movie called, "He's just not that into you" and it's amazing!!!!!!!! I LOVE IT! I should have seen this a million years ago.

 

There are so many great guys that have been in my life. They were smart, sweet, some were attractive, they obviously liked me...but because there wasn't a "spark" I didn't really give them the time of day! As if!

 

All the guys I've had the "spark" with were absolute jerks. Ab-so-lute.

 

Thankfully I will no longer look for the spark (*pout*). But that's so hard to do when you're a romantic.

 

There is something else I've learned (not from the movie, at least not yet). Don't compliment men at all, like never. Save compliments for girlfriends.

 

So the next time I meet a guy who's nice, and normal, and has a life...I think I might be extra nice. A spark doesn't matter. I'll just enjoy those fantasies in my head.

 

I can do it. I can take a leap into uncomfortable territory. If a guy wants to go out on a date, and he doesn't seem like a psycho, and there is no spark...I think I can do it.

 

I don't know, dating seems crazy. I'm slowly losing interest. I think I should just enjoy my life. I'm going to have fun, and I'm going to enjoy my life. One day I will marry and have kids, but in the meantime I'm not going to worry about it.

[Gracelove]

Today was such a beautiful day! I'm so happy! I met the sweetest people today.

 

I must say that depression is something you really have to fight hard against. It isn't always easy. The past week I didn't go to the gym as often as I should have. I wanted to lay around and do absolutely nothing at all. It was bad. And I binged on like everything. I ate sooo much food.

Naturally I was feeling really down about falling off the wagon.

 

However, today I worked out really hard for over 2 hours and I feel really good now. I'll be doing this every day for a very long time. If I slip up, it's not good for me. Especially around that time of the month (when I tend to get really depressed).

 

Anywho, Whitney Houston passed away, and it's really sad actually. She went through a really rough time, and for a while that was the way I thought of her (the way she was during that time). In all honesty everyone has rough times. I feel sorry that her bad moments were captured on film. I know I've had awful moments in my life, when I was a little crazy, and I'm glad those moments were private moments.

 

I think it's sad because everyone has moments of weakness. Everyone has times when emotions, negative ones overwhelm them. You feel sad, or depressed, and you turn to things you shouldn't. Like alcohol, for instance, for some people it's drugs. It's just sad because you're seeking comfort, but you get something else instead, something horrible. It's really sad. You have to deal with your "demons" but you don't always want to, because it's difficult. It's easier to have a drink, or eat junk food, or pop a pill, or do whatever else is needed to alleviate anxiety.

 

I think she was an absolutely beautiful person. I feel really sorry for her daughter, who always seemed happy to be near her mother.

 

Anywho, I know that I'm going to work extra hard at taking care of myself. I'm glad I gave up alcohol that's for sure. I don't regret it at all, and I have no temptations what-so-ever. Alcohol is soooo dangerous. Now, I just have to keep exercising, because that relieves anxiety.

I LOVE caffeine, however I know that it's bad for anxiety. I still want those energy drinks, but I'll have to slowly let them go. After all, you only get one body, and being sick is expensive. I want to stay healthy for a while.

 

I also need to start partying. I know, I don't really feel like it, but I should. I should get out and have fun. There is one girl I can think of who's really sweet, who wants to hang out. She really likes to party, and she's crazy fun. I don't know, I'll see. I think I need to get out and have more fun, but I think I'll give myself until summer at least.

 

Oooo, maybe I'll go to a salsa club! That would be fun!

 

Anywho, I have to go to bed early, so that I can wake up early and exercise. Who likes getting out of bed early in the morning (not me), but it's necessary.

 

Oh, and I was a naughty, naughty girl on Sunday because I didn't go to church. I didn't go to church because I was LAZY! Horrible. This cannot be the story of my life. This Sunday, I'm going to church.

[Gracelove]

Today was a lovely Valentine's Day! I spent the whole day working on myself actually. I worked out for over 4 hrs. today. I can't even believe it myself. I feel really, really good though. Aside from exercising I just relaxed. I spent time with family and worked on a little craft project. I don't know, the day was just really perfect. I feel really happy.

 

I can't wait to go to bed though, LOL!

 

Then I start again tomorrow. Not the whole 4hrs. thing, but at least 2.5 hrs. It really just makes me feel so good. And it keeps me happy.

 

Sweet dreams!

[Gracelove]

Today I worked out for 3 hours, and I'm realllllllllllllly tired. I'm pooped. Anywho, I have to go visit my Grandma, so I can't rest right now.

 

On CNN they were talking about celebrities who died recently. So, so, so, so sad. Really sad.

 

It makes me think of when I almost died from alcohol a week before my 28th birthday. Awful. I would never tell anyone because it's embarrassing and stupid. It would worry people unnecessarily. However, God was with me. OMG, and I was begging for life. Begging. It was horrible. I won't drink again in my life. Ever. It's not worth it.

 

Just thinking about it makes me cry, because you can do stupid things. Really stupid things, then you end up in a situation where you can't help yourself. Like, at all. You can do nothing. It's awful. I just prayed. Begged. God is so kind. I bet he was thinking, "This girl". LOL! I mean honestly, how many times does he have to save me from myself.

I bet he gets so tired of it.

 

My apartment was a mess, I'll totally spare the details. However, I couldn't help but think that I didn't want my parents to find me like that. I mean honestly. It was awful. That would be awful. My parents have sacrificed their lives, to make sure I'm okay. They've given up so much, and that would have been a slap in the face.

I know God loves me, however I believe he really loves my parents too, and that's part of the reason he saved me.

 

Honestly. I wouldn't ever want to hurt my parents. I'm working really hard on myself, my health, so they'll be happy. I need to make all of it worth it. I need to give them their daughter back.

 

And I'm feeling really secure in myself. I think of things differently. Especially since the last "relationship" I had. I want a relationship, eventually. That's what I've wanted for so long, so that can totally be my downfall.

 

I have to watch out, seriously. I've been in some bad relationships, and I've managed to survive them. So for now, I think I need to really find something else to be into.

 

I think I've changed though. I mean a guy has been texting me, and I don't even care. How's that for improvement.

 

OMG! I was at a work-out class today. And this sweet little older lady said to me, after class, "I like your booty shaking" LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG! That was soooooo funny and cute! And funny. OMG. When you're at a class, it's not like you really think people are looking at you, at least you hope not.

I mean sometimes you see men looking at all the women, but that's not something that's comfortable.

 

I just found it funny because I was so self-conscious about that, and even though I was following the instructor, I didn't feel comfortable with shaking it so much. Anywho...

 

Well I've procrastinated enough, off I go.