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Ex is a Narcissist, yup, got played for a year and a half.


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I have not started a thread on ENA for several months....its been a while!

 

My ex and I broke up at the beginning of August, however, have maintained contact since that time. He actually invited me for his family's Christmas dinner, spent NYE with him, we have been on a dates approximately every two weeks for the last few month. Generally the invites are offered when I havent contacted him for 1 week + as I have been keeping in NIC. Neither of us has been with anyone else (so he says), so here I thought we were making progress, when actually my ex is a text book narcissist, looking to keep me in his clutches.

 

Some examples of his narcissistic ways:

 

-jealous/dislikes for no reason my sister's bf who is a good lookig charming barrister in London, UK.

 

-brutal sense of entitlement-works in consturction and has no problem "taking home" supplies, like hardwood, drywall from clients who assumed he was billing honestly. Clients actually write him thank you cards, not knowing he was actually stealing from them...but they're "rich" so who cares??

 

-lived in my house for months, pretending to have no money, when actually he was saving up to buy his own place-- However, fully involved me in the purchase process: I hlped him find the house and I did the mortgage for him;

 

-was very sweet and charming for first 6 months of relationship, then started to insult me physically, started to "take off" on the weekends, would become crazy angry at the drop of a hat;

 

-has crazy dreams about becoming rich (ok) when he grew up in govenment housing;

 

- gets rid of friends when he askes for favours and they don't follow through;

 

-at this point can be nice or mildly insulting;

 

-now is constantly making plans, then cancelling at 8:00pm night of because he is too tired.

 

I was more than generous to this guy while living together. However, there were times when he would take the brand new bottle of Windex --to start "the glass division" of his company and I would make him put it back....I was paying way more than half of the bills, but he would call me a cheapskate for this one issue.

 

I have just become enlightened with this term over the weekend. Any suggestions from those who have dated narcissists?

 

I have many more examples of his narcy ways, but at this point I am just coming to terms with the fact that someone could "fake" a relationship for so long just to get some reduced rent, business referrals etc. I also know if I do not make contact with him this weekend, he will start calling, coming to my workplace, and he still has a bit of furniture at my house.

 

Words of encouragement would be great. I am just a few days into the shock of this discovery.

 

Oh yea...he was totally into NLP, hated being interrupted, and I always have to apologize for everything...even waiting 36 hours to call him back will put him in a spin! Like the 2 week trip to Hawaii, coming to my Mom's birthday 2 yrs in a row, the road trip to Arizona were a farce? Personally, I cannot wrap my brain around this type of person. If I dont like someone, I do not want to spend time with them, no matter what they offered me in return

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I don't like labeling people as having serious disorders ...that's for psychologists to do. A break up is painful no matter what the reasons are, but sometimes people try and make sense of the person and their actions by labeling them with some sort of mental illness which somehow makes them feel better about it.

Overall it sounds like you weren't happy with the relationship ...you knew all of these things about him all along (regardless of what you called them at the time) so I'm not understanding the "shock of the discovery" part. If you can't wrap your mind around what kind of person he is and has been, then you've certainly made the right choice in moving on.

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Thanks S,

 

I appreciate the comment, but a family member who spent a lot of time with him who is a psychologist mentioned his upbringing (father deserted him and started new family) caused definite arrested development and definitely has narcy charateristics. Anyone who has live to tell about getting out of this type of relationship, and can offer some advice, please post.

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Thanks S,

 

I appreciate the comment, but a family member who spent a lot of time with him who is a psychologist mentioned his upbringing (father deserted him and started new family) caused definite arrested development and definitely has narcy charateristics. Anyone who has live to tell about getting out of this type of relationship, and can offer some advice, please post.

 

Regardless of this "diagnosis", how does that make it any different from any other break up? He wasn't a good partner and so the relationship is over. What kind of special advice are you looking for?

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I understand the labeling. I'm guilty of that. I think we just try to find answers/reasons that they behaved the way they did. Trying to validate ourselves because while any relationship takes two, usually the people with the short end of the stick end up here. I'm satisfied with passive aggressive for my ex. whether she's been diagnosed clinically or not, it does fit her to a Tee. I realize it may not be proper to do so, but labeling them makes some of us feel better about ourselves in some ways - at least it does for me. It's not really harmful is it?

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The difference is this: The relationship was a sham from day one. This is a little different than a traditional break up. I searched narcissism on this site and found a ton of nearly identical behavior to my ex. Like anyone else on ENA...looking for someone to comment who has had a similar experience.

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but labeling them makes some of us feel better about ourselves in some ways - at least it does for me. It's not really harmful is it?

 

The reason it's harmful is that you don't allow yourself to feel the full scope of the pain (and therefore get to the real healing) because you've turned the focus to them and their shortcomings/"disability", what they did wrong, then you comisserate with other people (friends, internet, psychologists, etc.) and all the while the focus is on *them* and their behavior which, again takes the focus away from the real sadness you feel and delays healing.

I'm not saying this to judge the OP or anyone else. I dated someone who it turned out had been institutionalized for his mental illness and I wasted sooooooo much time after we broke up trying to figure *him* out instead of myself and talking about what HE must have been thinking and feeling (by reading about it, talking about it, looking it up, talking to anyone who would listen, etc.) instead of what I was thinking and feeling (which was sooo sad and betrayed and like "it was all a lie"). I thought it would make me feel better to rationalize "he didn't do this to me because I'm a bad person...he did this because he's ill". When I look back it saddens me that I gave away so much of my energy trying to learn and investigate and label and commiserate instead of just saying "I'm so sad and heartbroken!". It didn't matter why or how or who did it or under what circumstances. It sucked.

So, to the OP, I'm really not judging you....I would love to save you some of the time I wasted by getting you to zone in on your own feelings and not about what *he* did/said/ what he 'has' etc. Of course we all have our own journeys..... I hope your healing time is well spent. Best wishes.

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I appreciate what you are saying savignon. While in the first stages of sad and heartbroken we are often also angry and bitter. This too shall pass. I try to deny myself anger because i know it's not healthy per say. (part of me then gets mad that i shouldn't get mad, hows that for a mental conundrum?. lol ) But it's also a part of healing. I'm not as mad as i was, and yes, the blame game gets us nowhere fast. glad you are here to help us along

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Thanks S,

 

You are bang on...Actually, I have been told to not let other's decide my happiness-- difficult for someone who is the opposite of a narcissist, which is what I think you are trying to tell me.... After 5 months of yes: psychologists, internet, friends, you name it, I finally have a definition for this type of person. I searched narcissism on ENA and was just blown away at the similarities in my ex's behavior and other people's experiences.

 

So what I am grappling with right now is that the whole relationship was fake. The memories, vacations, special times all were part of his agenda to advance himself. My compliments, submission to his ways were golden nuggets to his feed ego. So yes it is different than a traditional BU. And, he is still not out of my life.

 

And here I was studying the non chalant thread!!!

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I had a short relationship with a guy like this. He came from a VERY 'good' family and went (and was expelled from) some of the top private schools here. Very old money, maybe nothing to do with the outcome but he always had to prove something.

He was jealous of his siblings- they're stopping him inheriting it all

Hated his ex because she left him, he said he left her but I don't believe it now...

Would rant for hours if his lottery numbers didn't come up

Would say he'd be dead if he won (lottery) due to coke binges

Asked me for a threesome - backtracked about 'testing' me when I refused

Was verbal about hating his job, his colleagues, his home-town

Sulked for a day when I asked if that was his ex on FB

Refused to speak to me at all when I asked why he'd changed his plans - from one week at his to half and half at mine and his (we'd always stayed at mine)

Tried to trick me into saying 'I love you' constantly

 

I came to my senses over this latest sulk then luckily got flu so was bedbound and vomiting for a week. I packed up his stuff (he also had a habit of leaving things at mine so he'd have to come back, like his expensive watch, rare dvds etc), sent them to him and realised that I didn't actually like him much at all. When you can see the bad points it makes the split so much easier and I wonder why I ever went out with him in the first place. I went from blocking his FB from my main page so I couldn't see updates as to how happy he was to defriending him when I was all better

 

Honest, I'm so glad I'm shot of him!

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I think what Savignon is trying to say is to stop trying to analyze why he acted a certain way and to focus on why you allowed him to treat you that way. It's more about your reaction to it than his actions towards you. The only way for you to get healthy is to focus on yourself and try to figure out why you settled for this kind of treatment from him and not to try to justify that he is ill and that's why he did it.

 

I spent months trying to figure out why my ex did what she did and it was a ton of emotional energy and truthfully drained the life out of me. Now I am trying to look at why I allowed myself to compromise my values and settle for less than I deserved. Hope this makes sense. It's all about becoming a better you now for your next relationship. Take responsibility for how you allowed him to treat you and change that behavior if you don't like it.

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Regardless of this "diagnosis", how does that make it any different from any other break up?

 

As someone who was dumped by a diagnosed bipolar almost 6 months ago but is still having a hard time getting over him, I can tell you what makes it different: These people seem to fluctuate in what they want MORE than the average Dumper, plus there is always the thought in the back of our minds that this isn't the "real" them, that they're just having an episode and maybe they'll get over it, and so forth. Right or wrong, it is human nature to have such thoughts, period.

 

He wasn't a good partner and so the relationship is over.

 

LOL...if everyone could walk away that easily, there wouldn't be much need for forums such as these, would there?

 

However, the reality is that not EVERYONE can walk away so easily, and so, there ARE forums such as these, where people come and vent and look for helpful advice. Telling her the equivalent of "get over it" is hardly helpful.

 

What kind of special advice are you looking for?

 

I didn't read anything in her post that indicated sadchick is looking for "special advice"...in fact, her post specifically says, "Words of encouragement would be great. I am just a few days into the shock of this discovery."

 

If you can't give her any "words of encouragement", that's fine. Some of us can. Again, this forum was -designed- for people to be able to air their frustrations, hear about others who have experienced the same, and perhaps, get some hints on how to deal with their situation. Nothing you have said is even close to what she asked for, which is words of encouragement.

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Sadchick, why is he still not out of your life?

If it's any consolation (and I know it's not), many people feel like their whole relationship was a lie/fake once it's over. People feel that way when they're cheated on, when the person just plain doesn't care for them anymore ("then did he/she ever love me?"). It's part of the suffering that comes with a break up. They're so awful and so painful and you've been given some good advice about not letting other people decide your happiness. What he did or didn't do doesn't reflect on you and doesn't deserve your time on the internet, your nose in a book, your breath talking about him to friends. Start talking about yourself "I feel so hurt. I feel so sad. I feel betrayed. I feel hopeless".....forget about him and what may or may not have motivated him. It doesn't matter. YOU matter!!!

If it's not possible to have him "out of your life" (which I would hope it would be), then at the very least agree with yourself to a cease-fire with the internet, books, psychologists, etc.

Oh...one good idea to calm your mind....go find a good meditation CD with guided meditations on healing your heart. When you feel the urge to go into over-drive about him, listen to the cd and take some deep breaths. Take care of yourself and focus on yourself. Learn about yourself so that you don't find yourself in the same boat again.

And if possible, remove him from your life.

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Ouch!

I've actually posted several things on here in addition to your isolated quotes and none of them suggested that walking away is easy nor did I say she just needs to get over it. I think I've been helpful or at least offered some helpful things. Naturally you're free to disagree. That was personal and hurtful to read and I'm not sure it was helpful or encouraging to the OP which is, as you say, the point of this thread.

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We all want to believe that are ex's are dysfunctional and have some kind of illness. It lessons the pain of the breakup and I understand that all to well. However, the real question comes back to why did we allow them to treat us that way? That is what is important in moving forward and having a healthy relationship with our next partner. We are trying to encourage her to focus on herself and not on the ex.

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Thanks, all that is easier said than done. I will try the meditation CD, I havent tried that yet..I was actually on my way to recovery at Christmas time, and even 2 weeks ago I had increased my workout frequency, including some yoga...it's amazing how a bad date can set you back. I also have some other issues with an ill father, I won't get into it here....I have been cheated on- recovered in a month. This relationship was different because we lived together...I am just in shock that from day one he had an agenda.

 

Also, as a very honest, straight shooter type person like myself, I actually thought we were on our way to a reconciliation! The dates have been more frequent: once a week, up from once every 2 weeks ( we both have busy schedules).

 

I just happened to read about narcissists at the bookstore on Sunday afternoon and I am floored at what I discovered. Yea, I have had disappointment with bf's, but this is different. And 5 months post BU, it is a disturbing discovery....

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Thanks for all the comments, but I am looking for someone who has had a narcissistic boyfriend, and has gone through a parting and survived!

 

Me ^ above!

Honestly I was getting 50-100 texts a day on top of all the above.

It's such a void when you split, the attention. But I'm happier than ever. You add up the bad points and it just gets ridiculous. Take yourself out of the situation and look back in on it. What if she (you) was your best friend? What would you tell her? I can't even refer to him by name anymore, I call him *insert english expletive*

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However, the real question comes back to why did we allow them to treat us that way?

 

Most Women like the challenge of a bad boy. You know, they wanna try and fix his bad ways and make him into something he isn't. When it fails, then he's this and that. if they do fix (castrate) him, then they get bored and move onto the next guy to fix.

 

Don't deny it - it is human nature.

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Most Women like the challenge of a bad boy. You know, they wanna try and fix his bad ways and make him into something he isn't. When it fails, then he's this and that. if they do fix (castrate) him, then they get bored and move onto the next guy to fix.

 

Don't deny it - it is human nature.

 

This may be true for the younger women. I sure hope I meet a real woman that does not play these kinda games. I just want to he a real man now. One that stands up for himself and knows how to set healthy boundaries but also knows how to make a woman feel special, safe and cared for.

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