How do you deal with a friend who drifts away then comes back then drifts again?

[KarlaW52]

I've been good friends with this guy who used to be good friends with me and a couple of my other friends. We all used to hang out together. However sometime last summer he decided at the last minute to move into some ministry house without telling us even though we had plans to move in together. He is now part of this church group which takes up almost all of his time, and although I am a Christian, this group that he's joined is almost like a cult.He has drifted so much and only hangs out with us when it's convenient for him, or he will make plans to meet us somewhere and then will end up falling asleep "while getting dressed" as he said.. I have so much anger toward him now and when he asks us to hang out we don't really want to because it will only be on his time. Am I a bad friend or is my anger understandable? Should I/we keep the friendship with him?

[mochi]

I like how you have stated "only hangs out with us when it's convenient for him". I can relate how sometimes I feel friends are as such. But if we think about it, aren't human nature that way? How we do things because we have incentive/pleasure to do them?

Take for example like how you do not want to invite him for future hang outs:

- You do not want to invite him since it is unpleasant to be rejected/forgotten ("he will make plans to meet us somewhere and then will end up falling asleep "while getting dressed" as he said", perhaps he didn't sleep at all the night before?)

- So, since you feel you have higher chance of not being rejected by not asking him, you feel that by not asking him, you would be more happy/not angry. (Personally I feel that your actions/feelings is justified)

 

However,

in the first place you became friends with him, you must have felt what a great friend he is to hang out with, despite his rejections and all. What I would suggest is that keep your door open to him, and continue to ask him out, along with your other friends too, such that when he is not able to make it, you still have your other friends to hang out with.

 

It's sweet how you are so worked up by this friend of yours, which shows you are truly a great friend.

[londonbridge]

Your anger is understandable, I have a similar situation with one friend. It gets me pretty upset too. I feel insignificant or I even feel maybe she doesn't even like me much as a person if she doesn't even make time to hang out, heck, even reply to my emails and phone calls. And it's not like I email and call her all the time either! I emailed her once to for a new year's greeting and about three weeks later rung her up to only get voicemail in which I left a message. No reply to either. I know she is not dead because when I checked her FB, one of her friends had posted about how they were meeting up on the coming Sunday for lunch. Ouch, that hurt me, but I can take a hint though. I plan on not contacting her again. I have plenty of other friends who do respond to me and show that they care about me anyway. If she decides to talk to me, I'll respond, but I'm not putting in the extra effort or miles to reach out anymore.

 

I also have a couple of friends who are introverts and will go incognito forever. It annoys me sometimes because they REALLY just disappear and it does make me feel like I cannot depend on them. Yet at the same time, I am also an introvert to a degree and I can understand them.

 

If anything, this basically forces me to venture out and make new friends who actually do wanna hang out with me. lol.