our problems...opinions?

[Mary May]

My boyfriend of 7 months and I have been arguing lately because of these problems...

 

His work schedule- he works a physically demanding job and is always working and tired. When we hangout, it's usually after 8:30pm and he's always tired. On weekends he's usually busy during the day, so again we hangout at night time (and he's tired).

 

Sex- he doesn't last long during sex. i don't feel like we get to be really intimate and have a connection because he finishes so quickly. We've talked about this, hes seen a doctor, yet still no improvement. So our sex life has significantly dropped because I think the stress of it makes him not want to have sex much anymore.

 

Romance- he's not romantic at all. he says he's not emotional like that. he doesn't really express his feelings unless I ask him to.

 

 

So my question is, are all these problems really significant problems? Am I making them into a bigger deal than they are? I feel like the connection between us has dropped because I dont feel emotionally close to him. Like we hold hands and cuddle and stuff, but other than that, theres nothing that's building our connection. We're sort of just coasting... and it's only been 7 months.

 

Please any advice or opinions are appreciated

[DrKitten]

Hi Mary. Welcome to ENA. It sounds like he's stressed and under pressure a lot. Have you tried a relaxing night of just taking the pressure off him? Maybe make him a nice dinner and give him a massage without any expectation of sex. If he appreciates you, he will show it and be in a much better mood. Try to plan date activities on one his days off.

 

How old is he? The sex issue may due to working so much or have to do with his health as well. How is his diet? Eating healthy and exercising does wonders for stamina and energy. Try to not make him feel self-conscious about not lasting long. Maybe ask to spend more time on foreplay, more kissing, touching and oral sex.

 

As for romance, many guys just aren't romantic. I also have a not very emotional boyfriend and I can understand the frustration. He's very logical and shows he cares in simple, non-elaborate ways. If your guy shows that he just wants to spend time with you and provide for you (maybe by working so much?), it's his way of showing he cares. I'm not too big on romance but some women are. If you need that, this guy might not be for you. But if you can work with it, you have to find comfort in the small, simple things.

 

Remember, building a good connection is a two-way street. It's not just about what your boyfriend does for you. You have to give a little too. You can definitely get over these problems if you're both willing to work on them.

[Mary May]

thanks for your advice. yes he eats very healthy and goes to the gym almost every night of the week. he is 22 years old. I think he's tired all the time because of a combination of working so much and also going to the gym so often, neither of which he's going to give up (I would never ask him to either). I just feel that those things are compromising the time we spend together. He's always so tired so we never really get to do anything fun. Usually we just watch a movie.

 

Maybe I just am expecting too much out of a relationship. Maybe this is how it's supposed to be... i don't know. It can't always be fun and exciting, right?

[DrKitten]

If you're unhappy and your needs aren't being met, you definitely need to bring this up with him. Working out every night sounds like a lot for a guy who is in a relationship. With that information, it sounds like he is not making you a priority and that's not okay. What does he say when you tell him you want more time together?

[Mary May]

we have talked about this i think 2 times now. he takes it as me telling him he needs to change. I don't want him to change, i like everything about him. I just dont like how he's always tired and that our time is limited because we cant get together til 8:30 every night, and he needs to be sleeping by 10:30-11.

 

He takes it as me not liking who he is, but that is not true. I just don't like his schedule i guess. It's his job though, so he can't stop. And he loves going to the gym. I don't want him to stop things he enjoys.

[DrKitten]

So he thinks everything in the relationship is fine and nothing needs to change? If so, it sounds like you two just aren't a great match. You need someone who is willing to spend more time with you doing fun activities while he needs someone who is okay with his busy schedule. If he is not happily willing to take one or two days off from the gym, then there is nothing you can do. If you can deal with this and still be happy, then great but it doesn't sound like you are. I think you'd be better with someone who isn't as busy.

[Mary May]

He has 2 days a week off from the gym. But even still, those nights we usually don't get together until 7:30. Maybe I'm just being needy.. I don;t know

[DrKitten]

Don't second-guess yourself so much. You deserve to feel happy and fulfilled. Many people wouldn't be okay with just seeing their partners in the evenings. I know I wouldn't, and I'm a very anti-needy, "need my own space" type of person. It's very reasonable to want to spend mornings and afternoons with your partner. There's nothing wrong with him working out so much but a good partner needs to consider your feelings. It doesn't sound like he's doing that.

[_Asti_]

Is his work something that will be permanent and what you have to expect for a lifetime? Or is it temporary?

 

I have been through some pretty crazy work related things with my guy. In the 7 years we've been together, it hasn't been easy.

 

For almost 2 years I worked/school from 9-5, and he worked 5-12am. He arrived at my place after midnight, and of course I'd pass out, or already be sleeping.

It sucked, ALOT. But we knew it wasn't permanent, we got through it.

We had only one evenining and one day together at some points, weekly. Plus he took overtime.

 

It wasn't easy..it still isn't super easy, now that he's on shift work, and even living together I can go 5 days without seeing him because he's on nights, and I work days.

 

Is it a deal breaker? Not for me. He still makes time for the gym, volunteering, and time for us. I don't feel neglected in any fashion, or that things are off balanced. I have learned to respect it, respect him, his choices, and most of all...have had alot of acceptance. Plus the time together is great, and we make a HUGE effort for quality time together. If I know he's tired, I accept that. I know that there will be good time ahead.

 

I did struggle alot, but had to make myself just as busy and not place so much importance on it. I took what I could get, and enjoyed my time when we were able to be together, but let go the day to day things.

[Mary May]

This is his life. It's his 8-6 job for life, and he says the gym is what he loves, and he does that from 7-8 or 8-9. He's not going to stop either of those things. So I guess I just need to accept things for how they are and learn to respect his life's routine. I do really care about him, it's just I guess our time together I don't feel is "quality" time because hes so tired.

 

Can anyone share ideas of what to do to spend quality time together?

[lavenderdove]

So what are you going to do if this gets serious and you eventually marry and have kids... will it be acceptable for him to never come home til 8:30 and be tired all the time and use that as an excuse to not be home much or really participate in family life?

 

Honestly, someone who works a physically demanding job usually doesn't NEED to go to the gym 5 days a week, and he may be overdoing it... and most people with serious relationships and families don't spend tons of time in the gym unless they have other sufficient time off to spend with family etc.

 

And he can last longer sexually if he practices the techniques taught to do that, and really focuses on pleasing you rather than just pleasing himself.

 

So i do see this as a problem because he is just basically doing what he wants FOR HIMSELF and you just have to live with it, rather than trying to negotiate something that works for both of you. For example, he could work out 2 or 3 times a week, and spend the other 2 or 3 nights home early with you spending time with you and spending more time making love.

 

If he can't do that, then i see him as being very inflexible and just wanting a quickie booty call every night rather than working on building a life and relationship with you. He should also be willing to spend some weekend days with you rather than just restricting you to late night 'dates' or booty calls.

[_Asti_]

Then limit your time together. Don't spend every evening together, and going there expecting to him to be full of energy. Its the end of the work day for him and he just wants to relax. Spend one or two evenings of that, and go there with the mindset of also getting some relaxing time in, pop in a movie you want to see so that way if he dozes off it's no big deal. You need to set yourself to think that quality time isn't during the week. Its getting some time together to just unwind.

 

Does work Monday-Sunday? Does he have weekends off? Focus on his days off to be together, that needs to be a priority. Yes he's busy, but he also needs to put time in with you. This may have to be during the day, early morning when he's awake and lively.

 

Our weekends together were worked at to 'perfect' good time together. Afternoon movies, going out for breakfast, we took alot of little small trips to maximize time together.

 

Its working together to make it work. If you limited time together during the week, it may be better. He may view that your daily time together is sufficient, but it isn't. You need dates, you need things to do together, you need to continuosly work at it together to grow. Otherwise you will just continue to feel unfulfilled.

 

Its not about him 'changing' its about making the relationship work. And that is about prioritizing, being organized and making an effort. You need to block that time in weekly, getting out and doing things together to continue to grow together.

 

We've done just fine over the years, and our relationship continued to grow and blossom...but we always found a way to make it work. I wasn't afraid to voice my feelings of not being priotized into his week...and he worked hard to make that change so that it was balanced.

 

Him sneaking over after work wasn't quality time. He needs to find a balance in this. I see nothing wrong with him perhaps giving one evening a week to the relationship versus going to the gym.

[Mary May]

yeah you're completely right. I'm going to talk to him and say all that u pointed out... and i like the word inflexible. I really agree he would be being inflexible if he didn't try to compromise with me. Thank you

 

he was overweight before and now works with a personal trainer at the gym. So i feel like I can't take away his gym time because I know how important it is to him. He says this personal trainer has changed his life.

[lady00]

yeah you're completely right. I'm going to talk to him and say all that u pointed out... and i like the word inflexible. I really agree he would be being inflexible if he didn't try to compromise with me. Thank you

 

he was overweight before and now works with a personal trainer at the gym. So i feel like I can't take away his gym time because I know how important it is to him. He says this personal trainer has changed his life.

 

Good luck with the talk...please let us know how it goes.

[Mary May]

so we talked last night, and we're fine now.

 

He essentially said he's working as much as he is so he can secure a stable future. He says lots of young people don't realize that if you work hard when you're young, you will make your life easier for yourself in the future. He says he's working all the time to have money to save for a house and kids' futures and to go on vacations, etc. He says he's making as much time as he can for us, and he's sorry he's tired. But he says I should know that he cares about me and that he will always be there for me.

 

He says he's not a lovey-dovey romantic emotional guy, but despite that I should just know that he really cares about me and he says he shouldn't need to remind me and write notes and all that stuff because he wouldn't be here if he didn't care about me. He says that lovey-dovey stuff comes and goes, but people who care will always be there, and that's what matters.

 

Thoughts?

 

I feel like it's great he's so responsible with his time and money and that he sounds like he's really committed to us. I want someone who's responsible and is going to be there. I've had ex's in the past who did the lovey dovey stuff, and where are they now?

 

I guess I'm just looking for my boyfriend to show me that he cares. And his way is just by spending his time with me, even more than his friends or family. Maybe I am taking him for granted... I don't know. I feel confused still

[geekgirl4]

Maybe it will help that you two compromise on a weekend date day, where both of you take the time to devote most of a day (not most of the night) to a nice date. Weekdays together can be simple and few. A person who is smart with their time and able to prioritize important things should be able to do this.

[sweetpea03]

People show that they care in different ways. Him working hard and planning ahead for the future is his way of showing he cares about you and the relationship. I think you are making a big deal out of things that shouldn't be. He's doing his best to make a future and you complain that he is tired or doesn't last long enough in bed. You really are not helping anyone by doing that. If you want to help him, then be supportive. Show him that you care and don't put so much pressure on him to be this ideal person. Part of loving someone is accepting them for who they are. Going to the gym every day is a great way to relieve stress, so I don't think he should stop going. When you go to his place and he's tired, give him a back rub and just watch a movie. Plan a date night and just go out once a week. It doesn't have to be expensive, just something to have couple time.