Is it silly to break up over this?

[jooj]

Me and my boyfriend let's call him Tom have been in a long distance relationship for about 7 months now. Before that time we were just friends. Since the time we were just friends he knew how much I hated smoking and that I would never get into a relationship with a smoker. I was in a relationship with an abusive man at that time let's call him Ben who I wasn't happy with but I was too scared to get out of that relationship.

Anyways Tom told me during that time that he loved me and wanted to be with me. I told him that even if I broke up with Ben that I couldnt be with him because he's a smoker. Then he told me that the day I leave my abusive boyfriend Ben would be the day he quits smoking.

One month later I did break up with Ben because I couldn't take his abuse anymore. Tom didn't quit smoking immediately but then I reminded him of his promise so he started the process of quiting smoking and he promised me he would never smoke again so I started a relationship with him.

It's been 7 months now since Tom and I have been together, our relationship isn't perfect but we love each other very much and are willing to sacrifice a lot to get to be together. He's very sweet and nice to me and he tries his best to make me happy.

We're supposed to meet this Wednesday after 4 months of not seeing each other, I sent him an email today asking him if he quit smoking because I needed to know before I saw him. He replied to my email telling me that he has been smoking lately because he's been stressed.

I then sent him an email telling him the following

Tom, you've known since the time we were just friends how much smoking bothers me and how much I hate the smell of it and that I can't be with a smoker.

 

I left my ex and started a relationship with you because you gave me your word that the day I leave him would be the day you quit smoking.

 

I know you're stressed but there are other healthy ways to relieve your stress. Lots of people get really stressed but don't resort to smoking and find other ways to cope.

 

Tom You have the right to decide whether or not you want to smoke. I also have the right to decide whether I want to be with a smoker or not and I choose not to, sorry.

 

 

He hasn't replied to me yet. Do you think it's silly to cancel our plans over this and break up with him even though we love each other very much and make each other happy?

I really hate smoking and I always volunteer in antismoking campaigns which he knew about before we started our relationship. I feel that if he loves me enough he would quit smoking for me and wouldnt choose smoking over me.

 

I really need to know whether I'm doing the right thing or not.

[savignon]

I left my ex and started a relationship with you because you gave me your word that the day I leave him would be the day you quit smoking.

.

 

This is unfair. The reason to leave your ex is because you no longer want to be with him. Not because someone else is making you promises. That puts a lot of unfair pressure on Tom. Yes, you can argue he's the one that said he'd quit, but I don't like that you almost held the "stop smoking" as a carrot for him and when he made that promise you broke up with your ex and now are holding that over Tom's head. You absolutely have a right to date a non-smoker and he is a smoker so you don't have to date him. He also has a right to date someone who can help and support him through quitting and not use bribery, threats, ultimatums, etc. to manipulate him.

If you think he's choosing "smoking over you" which is what you say, then I imagine you don't understand the way addiction works or the way that your messages to him are manipulative and defeating.

If I were him, I would be really hurt to be dumped by an email that outlines my character flaws and wouldn't respond either. That being said, you *do* have a choice to not be with a smoker and you're choosing not to. There's nothing wrong with that. Next time don't date a smoker in the first place or expect someone to give something up for you "because they love you". Motivation has to come from within, not from humilation or being made to feel badly or like they'll "win you" if they can do x, y and z for you. That's not healthy.

[Moontiger]

I agree with savigon.

 

Something else I would like to point out is how difficult it can be to quite smoking. I have never been a smoker but have many friends who do. It took years for some of them. Educate yourself on smoking, the difficulty to quit, and how you can help him.

[DN]

Well, you have to think carefully about this - if he will not/cannot stop smoking are you prepared to still be with him?

[RedDress]

I agree with Savignon.

 

I also want to point out that he was being honest with you by telling you that he was still smoking from time to time. I know TONS of people who smoke while hiding around the corner and say stuff like "Don't tell my SO. They'd kill me if they found out". Is this the kind of relationship you want to set up?

 

You are perfectly within your rights to not date a smoker and to break up with him (which... by the text of your email, I would say you already have, which is why he hasn't responded, IMO...). But then, break up with him. I also don't think it's right to hold it over his head.

 

If you plan to stay with him, you should be supportive of his efforts to quit and try to be helpful... not angry and "punishing".

 

It's up to you to decide if his other personality traits outweighs the smoking. But you need to decide, IMO. You can't bully him into being the person you want him to be.

[OptomisticGirl]

AGree with everyone else. If you knew you would never date a smoker you never should have gotten involved WITH a smoker. For some it's hard to quit, my mother has been trying for some 30 years now, only time she was able to do so was when she was pregnant with her kids for our safety. My fiance had to have a tooth pulled and quit right after that, no problem at all.

 

It is fine for you to say 'I don't want to date a smoker', that is your right as a human being to not want that in your relationship. That being said, he also has the right to smoke and to not quit simply because his partner doesn't like it. You knew he smoked going in but you still went in.

 

To answer the question of the thread... yes, I think it's silly to ONLY break up with someone because they won't quit simply for the fact you went in knowing he smoked. It would be different if he didn't smoke before hand and started while you were together but you knew about this going in. As RedDress said, you have to weigh his other qualities over this.

[imoutfront]

I also agree with what everyone else is saying. To say you you broke up with Ben to be with Tom is unfair to Tom. You broke up with Ben because you didn't want to be with him anymore because of his abuse. I think Tom made an unrealistic promise to you (to quit smoking the same day you dumped Ben) in order to persuade you out of an abusive relationship because he cares a lot about you. You should have accepted that, and realized that quitting smoking isn't easy for a lot of people. Don't get me wrong, you have every right to not date a smoker. Not that it matters, but I wouldn't date one either. I would never start a relationship with one just because he said he'd quit. But since you did agree to it, you should have been fair to Tom by being understanding and supportive; not threatening and punishing. Like everyone else has said, you're holding this over him. You make it seem like "I left Ben because you promised to quit smoking, and you haven't kept that promised. Therefore you betrayed me." No, sorry, you left Ben because he was abusive. In regards to the email you wrote Tom, no wonder he hasn't responded. You just dumped him. What's worse, is that you did it over email (I realize you guys are in a LDR, but heck, even a phone call would have been better), and in a humiliating tone.

 

My advice: Let Tom go. He'll find someone else who either accepts his smoking habit (if he wishes to continue it), or will be supportive while he attempts to quit. And you should take some time for yourself to heal from this whole ordeal. Then when you're ready, start dating again. And this time, don't start anything with a smoker.