So Confused about this....HELP!

[ArtLover51]

I've been dating this guy for 3 months. I nearly broke it off because I didn't feel he was that into me but he said he was, and so we kept dating. Over the course of the months we have gotten closer and had the talk about getting more intimate. I explained to him that when and if it got to intimacy I would want to be in a committed relationship.

 

He is very religious and has made it clear that he wants to ultimately be married. He doesn't want to live with someone or have sex outside marriage. I am 6 years older than him and have been married and divorced twice and NEVER want to be married again. He's been married 4 times! So needless to say we had some hurdles.

 

Last week he really wanted to have sex and reluctantly I said okay. First of all, I asked him to take a shower - yeah well...it's how I roll. He declined. I took a shower and came to bed. Then he immediately went down on me and kept asking if I had the big "o"! Finally after the second time he asked - after about 3 minutes, I just said yes so he would stop. He couldn't find it with 2 hands & a flashlight! He gets inside me and (no kidding), he says "sorry this is so fast but I'm coming" and by the time he got that out of his mouth...he had cum and he was done. He said he had church in the morning and had to go home. Which was FINE with me. I have NEVER had such quick sex, with less foreplay!

 

Next day he comes over...he starts to fool around AFTER he's told me that the church sermon was about fornication and how guilty he felt. So naturally I didn't want to fool around. We talk about the night before and I asked him if he had ever made love for hours. He looks totally bewildered and says no. He thinks the night before was PERFECT!!! OMG! But he is all over me and I'm thinking...Okay - I'll give this one more shot.

 

So I get ready and am all set. He couldn't get it hard! Then he says it's because we are on the couch and he didn't expect that - I surprised him with my ENTHUSIAM! He was surprised!!! So he asks if we can go to the bedroom. I say sure...NOTHING happens! He starts inserting his finger under his penis - I guess to simulate a hard penis but it just feels AWFUL so I ask him to stop. We get up, get dressed and he leaves - thinking everything is fine and dandy! It's like it all went over his head. He thought everything was fine.

 

By the end of that day...I'm just over it. I don't feel there is ANYTHING more to talk about, but he is all over me by text & phone calls.

 

I'm not a shallow person. I have seen several red flags and have been honest with him about not settling. Hey, I'm in my late 50s...I've done my duty in staying in a practically sexless marriage for 26 years, I'm not promiscuious and I'm a fun person who is very outgoing. I ride my own Harley and have a full and wonderful life.

 

The problem is that now that we have had sex - I guess you could call it that (not even close to making love in my eyes), he thinks we are exclusive. How do I break it to him without hurting his pride that I'm over it?

 

HELP!!!

[jaywalk]

with honesty. cool....calculated.....honesty. You really didnt want to fool around when you did and you've thought things over and don't want to lose the freedom you have in your life at this point. Kind of hard to take his level of committment seriously when he discusses feelings of guilt over a sermon and then goes and does EXACTLY what the minister said was wrong according to the Bible. Never mind he didnt marry you before he had sex with you. True you told him you expected committment after intimacy was established but then again you weerent expecting to deal with someone as seemingly clueless as he is. You both kinda went against your own beliefs here and to that end you probably should let this one go so you can (as the fisherman say) let him get a little bigger so he can be a better catch for someone else.

I believe with your life experience being what it is you will have no trouble whatsoever letting this guy down easy.

[MyNinja]

Just be honest with him. It seems he has a lot of conflicts with himself and his religion and I'm sure that only adds to the stress you might be feeling and the awkward sexual contact. It probably also explains why you felt he wasn't into you in the beginning. Women's intuition never lies.

 

I don't think you two are a match at all and I get the feeling he senses that which is why he's blowing up your phone. He wants to make sure you're still interested. Seeing his history of 4 failed marriages would only further conclude that he is not stable (not saying they failed solely on his behalf, but it does show he probably isn't the best candidate for a relationship). Be honest and let him know how you feel. You deserve to be in a comfortable relationship and he needs to focus on bettering himself. Good luck

 

Until we meet again...

[ArtLover51]

UPDATE: Against my better judgement and lots of pressure from this guy we did start to date again. I nursed him through a motorcycle accident and taught him all about great sex. Then I find out he lied about a couple of important things in his past, which I let slide because they didn't really concern our relationship. He kept trying to talk me into marriage but I held firm as I felt we needed a lot more time together getting to know one another. But I was starting to open up to him...and that's when he starts withholding sex....saying he feels too guilty about it unless we're getting married!!!! OMG!!!!!

 

Then I got the flu! On Saturday he was going riding with some friends on his motorcycle and told me he'd be back in town about 4. He said to let him know and he would get me some dinner if I needed him to. I said that would be great because I felt so bad I didn't feel much like going out until I had to. I didn't hear from him until 5:45 p.m. that evening. I didn't get mad...I just wrote him this email the next morning.....

 

I really don't know how you can be so oblivious to how important some things are to me after all this time. You talked to me this morning about how you weren't going to let anyone pressure you into cutting short the time you spent with your family...to go on a ride! Then you tell me IF I need anything from you NOT to put a time limit on it since you don't want a repeat of yesterday! OMG...can you really be so CLUELESS?

 

Do you seriously think I'm so stupid? Do you seriously think I believe if YOU wanted to break away from the group yesterday to help out your SICK girlfriend...you COULDN'T have? I haven't ridden solo in awhile, but last time I checked, I'm not chained or tethered to any other bikes in the group & have the freedom to come & go as I please! Evidently you don't have that option UNLESS it comes to family. I understand your priorities.

 

I really do believe in the golden rule and I know had the tables been turned I would not have treated you in such a manner. If i made a promise, I would have made sure I honored that promise! You have different sets of rules for different people, friends, family. And I have no intention of trying to change you at all. But neither will I settle for someone who thinks so little of me. So much for "in sickness & in health"! And you wonder why I have such destain for marriage? You can't even be sweet during the wooing process!

 

You knew you screwed up & still didn't take responsibility...blaming EVERYONE on the ride...everyone except yourself! But enough said, the subject is closed. I'm sick, I'm tired and I'm disappointed that just when I opened myself up to the possibilities that you might be the one to make me change my mind about commitment, it was just a facade.

 

I'm not angry, I'm just done! So call me a quitter or crazy or anything else you want but DON'T say I wasn't good to you, or fair to you, or that I didn't give this a chance! I did & you did too, we just had different priorities, values & viewpoints. We took our time and discovered we were not a good fit. Don't be cruel or unkind on Facebook. This is a private matter & I still don't want to date any of your friends so no need to call me to ask. I'm very happy being all by myself...hopefully not forever but that would be okay too.

 

Now he is telling all our friends that I broke up with him because of a hamburger!!!! And he put on Facebook that he wishes he could find a "good" woman! I just don't get men!!!

 

Anyone have any insight????

[april15]

He got more chances than he deserved. Take the high road and leave him down on the dirt path. You can and will find a better man and lover.