NO HOPE of reconciliation

[whatatodo]

I know people tell me that time moves on you can meet someone else etc etc, but I know there is no one else.... though me and my ex had issues, it was almost because I loved him too much and was scared to lose him and ended up pushing him away. And I finished it two weeks ago, and he's telling me it's not enough time to change, to come back, and even if it were he's not sure he could guarantee he wouldn't make me unhappy again....... but it was ME making me unhappy as I thought too much about the past instead of enjoying the fact that he WAS WITH ME!!

 

He says he 'cares so much about' me and that 'this is all very difficult' but that changes nothing!! I know he can keep busy and not think of me, yet when I'm busy I'm STILL thinking of him - I can't even do no contact (and anyone that's read my previous threads I work in an open plan office with him too!!)

 

Part of me wonders if he's met someone else........ And I know he met someone new on a holiday the other week, but he told me at the time, and her friend told me the other day that it's very unlikely.

 

I just don't think he DOES care or he'd be itching to get back with me, and correct the faults, he said in me finishing it showed him!! UUUUUUUUUURGH!! I just want to know he's coming back to me - but I KNOW he's not!

[Ms Darcy]

It is WRONG for people to say time heals you. I have seen people stay mired in a breakup for years because they actively refused to let go. Time can help, but your mindset is of utmost importance. It's going to be harder to let him go since you'll be seeing him at work, but you can move on. You are not dying. You are hurting, and you should honor your pain and engage in the ritual of letting him go.

[whatatodo]

I tell myself constantly to let him go, I sometimes even feel I can, but then I get with a bolt of realisation that I don't want anyone else. Before me and him were 'official' I went on dates with SO many people, as he wasn't committing to me, so didn't see a point of not seeing who else was out there, and some were really lovely, some were the whole package, but it was him I always wanted. It wasn't a case of wanting what I couldn't have, just that I knew in my heart he was right and I still do I don't know what to do. I don't know whether to hope he is just asking to sort his head out and we'll get back together or what. I HATE IT! I WANT to let go, but I genuinely feel scared that I might not be able to!!

[dissapointed75]

I know exactly how you feel. That bolt of realisation that I've lost the most wonderful woman I have ever met and can do nothing about it. I'm also familiar with your fear of holding on.

 

I wish you the best

[Ms Darcy]

It wasn't a case of wanting what I couldn't have, just that I knew in my heart he was right and I still do I don't know what to do. I don't know whether to hope he is just asking to sort his head out and we'll get back together or what. I HATE IT! I WANT to let go, but I genuinely feel scared that I might not be able to!!

 

He's made it clear he doesn't want you right now. So instead of waiting and hoping, you have to let go right now. Who knows what the future holds? But for now, you let go.

[whatatodo]

I literally have NO clue how to get through this!! He's so busy and getting on with things, and even when I am I can't stop thinking about him. I HATE IT!! I know he's really really busy this weekend with his friends, so I'm guessing it's going to be a big party without me, and he's bound to meet someone else - and whilst he's out havign fun he's not thinking about me is he... like I do him!?!!!

 

HOW DO I MAKE THIS STOP!! I just want him back and it's not going to happen!! All his friends will probably tell him how wrong our relationship was and because he cares so much more about his friends he's going to listen to them and not himself! HATE IT

[Ms Darcy]

He is listening to himself. That's why he's not with you. I'm sorry to be harsh, but please remember if he wanted to be with you, he would be with you. He was with you after all. My advice is to sit down and journal. Write out long-hand the good and the bad about the relationship. Write out his faults and your faults. Write out that you need to forgive yourself. At least put your thoughts to paper.

[whatatodo]

Wow!! Just had the text to end all texts from him!!

[peternaizeh]

@ ms whattodo: I can feel your pain. And I'm also suffering from it right now. May bf for 8 years broke up with me last december. I still hoping that he will realize that I'm the one for him becoz He is the only one I want. He told me he can't love me anymore and does not want to give me greater pain.

[Real Deal]

I am not trying to be rude but he is NOT the only one for you. That is total nonsense. There are 3 billion (with a B) other men on this planet and I assure you that at least a couple of hundred thousand of them would make great boyfriends/mates. As long as you keep thinking he is the only one the pain will continue. Ask yourself this - what does he provide you with that you cannot do for yourself? The very reason for your split is you were too reliant on him to make YOU feel good about yourself. I am only telling you all of this because I did the same thing with my ex and I was with her for 13 years. It took me 18 months to get over it but had I realized the fact that I (we) control our own emotions and how we perceive stuff it would have been much less. Oh, and by the way, once I realized this my ex that said there was no way we would ever be together again wanted me back. Do something for yourself today and this weekend. Don't worry about what his friends say or think. This is normal and people take sides. Go out with YOUR friends. If you don't have any, make some new ones. I know this is such a cliche' but work on yourself. Your self-image is destroyed right now and it sucks but you will live. I promise! Keep your head up. Oh, and BTW, if you keep thinking that he will hook up with someone else, he will. That is how things work so the less you dwell on that the better.

[peternaizeh]

why does love fades? We does not fight. Is being so kind and nice, being supportive for everything can make you fall out of love? I know he can be with someone else that's why he broke up with me. He feels that he can love other someone else. He was afraid to cheat on me. I know he's weak. I hate myself because I am not mad at him after what he did. I understand everything but I am in pain. I do not want to have a false hope or to wait for nothing. but I think Praying for it, for him to realize that he still love me does not harm? Is it?.

[BirdOnAWire]

Ok, so you don't want anyone else. That's fair. I understand what you mean. There could be someone else for you, you just don't want them, you want him. You can continue to want him while working on you, ya know. Just get some tunnel vision going and make your day special, no matter who you're with. When you can do that then you're truly on to something and you're half way there. If he says it's too soon, maybe it is. He obviously cares but you trying to justify forcing the issue is only going to hurt you.

 

If you must, look at it this way. You've probably read all over these boards that getting someone back first takes letting them go. In fact, I bet that is mentioned in this thread already (sorry i didn't read everyones posts). Let it go girl. If he knows you're always going to be holding on then it means he doesn't have to. Work on putting some urgency in him like you've had for the last few weeks.

[CrapAtNC]

Having no hope is actually one of the most advantageous mindsets to adopt.

[notgivingup]

Hi whatatodo,

 

I can feel your pain. My ex and I was together for about a month. There were a lot of issues going on and he ended up breaking with me which hurt so badly. He kept telling me how much he loves me, but that we're not meant to be, and of course there's no hope for reconciliation as well. I know that most people think that the shorter the relationship, the faster and easier it is to get over, but I disagree. I think that each couple and each relationship is different. So I accepted everything he told me that day and told him that I want to be friends with him in the future, he replied to my email and said he wants to do the same. And then lo and behold, I get a text message from him, he asked me to forgive him and for me to give him a second chance. I really don't know what to do about this. I guess all I could do is wait; wait until he sends me a text message or calls me.

 

Notgivingup

[whatatodo]

Problem is, my bloke has had so many issues in his life that I feel that he's now made this decision for keeps! I hate that I KNOW it's over - and there's no hope! I won't be getting him saying he wants me back - not at all!! I realise I finished it because the way it was going was wrong, but just as i've seen my faults and changing them, why can't he, or is it because he doesn't want to because I'm not what he wants!? WHY DID I END IT!?

[Yostina]

I feel the exact way you do. When we started having those usual fights (they were all because of him and he knew it back then, but showed no improvement), I've reached a point where I couldn't take it. I was constantly unhappy because of his behavior and immaturity and tried as much as I could to put up with it, but then I told him that I couldn't go on this way. I wasn't officially breaking up with him, but trying to wake him up! He thought I was leaving him and so I was sad that he didn't show actions at that time, but only easy words. He said he can't go on without me, blah blah blah, but didn't promise to try to make it work. And from that moment when I wanted to break it off, he pulled a 180. He was depressed, disappointed, and few days later he was the one who wanted to break it off officially! I wonder really what the heck was that supposed to be. And look at me now, I'm the one who would do anything to make it work, and he is refusing to put the work in. Funny how that reverses, but on what basis, I don't really have a clue. But just like you, I blame myself for bringing up the thought of a break up, otherwise maybe he wouldn't have changed this way. It's sad.

 

You really can do nothing. You tried, but he is not willing to. At least for now, you don't know what the future holds. We all lose hope and go through the most disappointing situations, but you never know. Be hopeful, but don't expect much. Leave it all behind for now, doesn't mean you have to get to know other men. I'm not even close to the idea of dating. So being alone isn't bad. Focus on yourself and look for your sanity. Give yourself some hope, maybe you could try again in the future. You have your options, but for now, you have nothing but yourself. Work on yourself and let your emotions settle, then decided on what you want to do next. Good luck to you honey!

[whatatodo]

Thank you Yostina, I hope it works out for the both of us!! Just seems SO unfair when we know the issue isn't with us, and it could be SO ruddy good if only THEY let it, and worked on THEIR faults. I KNOW I've sorted mine but there's simply no convincing him - I genuinely feel no hope, especially after his reply to my really 'together' text to him yesterday. I HATE IT!! I just want him back, and the awful thing is, I would even have him back with his faults now, purely because I feel so strong and secure in myself, but he isn't prepared to hurt me because he 'cares greatly'.... if that's the case, why doesn't he 'care greatly' enough to make the changes to make us more solid! I hate the fact that SO much of it was good, it makes me sick to think of him with someone else, but as someone quite rightly said, it's going to happen!! URGH - I just want this to kick him up the backside, but I have a horrible feeling it won't!!

 

Can't wait for Monday as I'll see him again, but then I also hate it because I'll see him again, and know he's 'not mine' Working with him sucks!!

[Yostina]

OMG I feel you

It's like you are describing how I feel about my ex. I also see him in college - same major, and he will be taking TWO classes with me next semester! Wow!

 

It's really painful when you think of him with someone else. I try my best not to let such thoughts overtake my mind. Really, just don't assume what is not and don't waste your energy on baseless thoughts. Focus on what is in your hands which is yourself. You can't stop thinking and wanting him, but you CAN control.it and make a balance. This is what I'm doing. You need time for yourself because you can't change his mind right now unless he wants to and maybe you can increase your chances by letting it go for now and improving yourself and your mindset.

 

Seeing him makes it harder. Can you imagine, it's been over 7 months and I'm still stuck on him! Seeing him delays my healing and always sets me back to be honest, but I'm at the stage where I can control it even though it's eating me up inside. You have to put a little more effort on yourself, it's the first step that is harder and the rest will naturally go smoothly. Think of the moment and what you have to do, let the rest for later. Having no hope is not really good just like having false hope. Just wish for the best to happen, but don't expect much. I hope this helps. Feel free to PM by the way, we are so much alike in our feelings!

[ronhait]

I know people tell me that time moves on you can meet someone else etc etc, but I know there is no one else....

 

You can't say there is no one else for you. The best you can do is calculate how long it will take to find the next relationship partner based on your history. Do it like this. Take your age, and subtract the age you were at when you went on your first date. So say you're 20 and you dated at 15. It took you in this example, 5 years to find the right person. Take 5, or whatever number you get from your calculations, and add it to your present age. This is the age at which you will most likely be when you meet your next true match.

 

In this example it will be 25 years of age. You may need to add a year or two if you are not yet ready to date. You're suposed to give yourself about half the length of the relationship. So if you were with him for 6 years, add 3, and you get 28 in this example.