mustard1234 Posted January 28, 2011 Share Posted January 28, 2011 So, I've had a crush on this guy since 2006. (Half-decade in the house. Holla.) One of those wild, far away, it'll never happen, watch him walk by in the library and hear 80's music backing up the cacophony of heart falling from chest things. He had a serious girlfriend, he didn't know my name. We never spoke. Not even once. The end. Until two weeks ago. An errant photo of Michael Jackson on Facebook sparked comments from me. Which sparked e-mails from him. Which sparked wandering, endless discussions of politics, art, social issues, rap and atlas pages between us. He's single. He's brilliant. He's kind. He talks to me damn near every day. He's impetuousfunnyartisticboldanalyticaldaringseasonedGORGEOUScooltattooedpassionateawareconfidentdynamicwelltraveledgentlesensitivestrongwonderful. Both of us have spent the last three years wandering the country/world AND. HE. NOW. LIVES. IN. MY. SAME. STATE. It's taking everything I've got and some stuff that's borrowed to keep it cool. Trying my best not to get my hopes up. Remembering every advice article that says despite hint-dropping like a mofo, I can't ask him out. Acknowledging that he could just like a bit of intellectual conversation here and there...or he could have me confused with someone else ( but seriously, we have never ever engaged in conversation before now). I was ready for it to be half forgotten infatuation or eye-candy crush on my part, but it just so turns out that it's a bit more in-depth. The way he looks makes me crazy. The way he thinks and expresses himself make me crazy. Who he is and what he stands for and wants in life and where he's been and his life-view...I swear the boy makes me feel beats in my chest. I keep a language-reference dictionary and a copy of Tupac handy to fully absorb his emails and he makes me laugh. I feel like a gunshot went off every time I hear from him. Lit up like a blunt on a Christmas tree. It's there. I'm not being crazy about holding back and seeing if he initiates 2.0 level interest, right? In any case...something absolutely, absolutely wonderful is happening to me. Right here. In this instant. Kindasorta a remote cousin of magic. I am literally in shock that I scratched the winning karma lotto card that dropped this out of the sky. Regardless of what does/doesn't roll out of the bag with this thing, I am so thankful and glad. Just glad. Now, let me turn off the Jill Scott, regain my composure and put on a face like I've got some sense. Thanks for hearing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Purusha Posted January 28, 2011 Share Posted January 28, 2011 awwwww! Thats fab! Its 630 in the morning here and that really made me smile first thing! Very happy that you've finally had the chance to get to know him, hope all your dreams come true!! xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bdmv Posted January 28, 2011 Share Posted January 28, 2011 that was beautiful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mustard1234 Posted January 28, 2011 Author Share Posted January 28, 2011 @P thankyou. i always log my "first smile of the morning" on my blog acc't haha. glad to know i'm sending packages of int'l joy. lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mustard1234 Posted January 28, 2011 Author Share Posted January 28, 2011 @b thank you. i appreciate the kudos. sincerely Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quirky Posted January 29, 2011 Share Posted January 29, 2011 That was so nice to read, you write so well and you come accross so cool and funny! ! I hope he wants you as much and that a deep loving and lasting relationship develops Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lonewing Posted January 29, 2011 Share Posted January 29, 2011 All thumbs say GO!! ;P Good Luck!!! Send a message with just the world Lunch...if you can't wait past a week more of this!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paranoiac543 Posted January 29, 2011 Share Posted January 29, 2011 Haha, awesome post. He's lucky to have someone as funny as you crushing on him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Faithful120 Posted January 29, 2011 Share Posted January 29, 2011 Awe That's so adorable. This post made me smile! Hope it works out between you two, you sound like a great pair Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mustard1234 Posted January 29, 2011 Author Share Posted January 29, 2011 @ quirky thank you very much + i could only dare to dream... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mustard1234 Posted January 29, 2011 Author Share Posted January 29, 2011 @ lonewing by jove, you hit it on the head. i'm so legitimately taking your advice. priceless (!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mustard1234 Posted January 29, 2011 Author Share Posted January 29, 2011 @para5 *blush* thanks so much for the feedback. glad to bring a smile to ya. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mustard1234 Posted January 29, 2011 Author Share Posted January 29, 2011 @ faithful truly appreciate your positive vibes + feedback. gotta say, i hope so too lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lonewing Posted January 29, 2011 Share Posted January 29, 2011 I hope hope HOPE it works out for you - fingers crossed though!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted January 29, 2011 Share Posted January 29, 2011 just respond to what he actually says to you, not what you want him to say in your mind Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mustard1234 Posted January 29, 2011 Author Share Posted January 29, 2011 @lonewing thanks for the positivity we spent awhile last night discussing motown and our favorite birthdays as kids. hooray for cautious optimism, lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mustard1234 Posted January 29, 2011 Author Share Posted January 29, 2011 @broken sobering. true. i've really been focusing on not reading anything between the lines that's not there and saving all of my hyperventilation for the thread here, lol. though i appreciate the reminder. i try to keep the length/tone of my messages commensurate to the vibes he's throwing me. i'm also trying reaaaaaaaally hard (...see the vowel count?) to remain as casual and low-key as possible both outwardly to him and more important, in my own hea(d/rt) until there's *definite* cause to think otherwise. ...while holding rabbit's feet, clovers, plucking petals, wishing on stars etc that i'm not alone in my twitterpation haha. time will tell. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mustard1234 Posted January 30, 2011 Author Share Posted January 30, 2011 Should I be...encouraged? Or maybe I should be lightly offended that he pretty much just called me Ned Flanders He: 1 thing i noticed and should probably address ur positivity and encouraging little comments are teaching me about my negativity i guess? it makes me feel weird when u say encouraging things sometimes, like a half scoff 2 the throat...bc who is positive and encouraging these days i suppose? like it has 2 automatically be disingenuous...or something...sigh im afraid i love my negativity/empiricality 2 much 2 change, but just so u know i shall, with you, try to return in @ least part, your excessive good attitude & cheer. and dont take how i am personal...i might be kind of a hater Me: re: 'excessive cheer' primary: ha secondary: i threw a bsh down some stairs once. be not deceived. followed by: hate to break it to you mr. caulfield, but word on the street is that you're a nice cat. affable, even. concluding with: empirical, huh? that's a tough one to wiggle out from 'neath. effort noted + appreciated. Thoughts? For the record, I've not found him acting/being negative toward me in any way up to now. Probably the rose-colored glasses talking, lol. He has some colorful things to say about politics, economics etc but when it comes to individuals, I actually find him to always be very careful about how he chooses words to describe people. He's blunt as hell but I find him mostly fair + measured + kind. So did most of our mutual friends back in aforementioned college days but...as said at the jump...I never actually hung out with him @ that point. Ultimately, though, I think this means I'm getting into his bones. Score. *fistpump* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mustard1234 Posted January 30, 2011 Author Share Posted January 30, 2011 ooooookay. we may have taken a definitive turn for the platonic, here. i set him up for a pass...was wide open...and, nada. damn. *sigh* he mentioned that we had a conversation at my thesis presentation on campus in '07. Except...no. Because I never did a public forum in my major that year, lol. Me re: when we half-met. odds are pretty stacked against that having been me you heard. but i did a few presentations here n' there. bear in mind: i had a lot more hair then, lol. what was the topic/dept if you can remember? i'd like to figure out which sista you prob have me confused with. she'd better be cute as hell, too He re the half meeting: i guess ur right sorry 4 mistaking u. now that i really think, this chick's tone was significantly different than what is coming through in your writing so i am doubting. anyway pretty sure it was a thesis presentation. i dont remember anything detailed about it now, and sorry also don't remember if the girl was fine or not but she blew me away with her attitude presentation and facts. not that i was hoping for anything specific but...uggg (!!!) on a scale of 1 to ridiculous, how bad was it that i was hoping he'd hit on me, there? haha. note: both this and the last quoteset came from the same email. i was just @ work and didn't have time to...y'know be a girl...and read it + read way too much into it (lol) all until i got home. any/all feedback is appreciated. and, before you ask, i swear this is the only place i go to think about the situation this hard. swear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lonewing Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 I wish I could just say hey to at least one of these two girls I see every morning...sigh...yeah, I know, I should follow my own bloody advice. UGH!!! I know how I will eliminate one of them for good...this Monday morning, if I see one, I'll ask her where her boyfriend took her out this last weekend...that will tell me 1) if she has a boyfriend and 2) if not, if she's available for next weekend!! and 3) I won't need think a second more about the second girl, thus eliminating her from the question! And talking to her is easy, we already have a pretty good 'HI' routine down! The other...yeah, I haven't even broken the "Hey" barrier. Ugh. IF I have the courage, of course!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superfox Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 I think you're getting to him Mustard! You make him feel 'weird' with your encouraging comments...so he is taking them in and thinking about them! Keep updated, I want to know what happens next! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mustard1234 Posted January 30, 2011 Author Share Posted January 30, 2011 Update: I'm going on Facebook/web hiatus. There's a lot changing for me in the next month and to be honest, I haven't done the best of jobs preparing myself mentally, financially and like...dumb things such as packing and forwarding my mail. Web-stuff is repeatedly my weapon of choice when killing productivity, so I'm going on e-punishment lol I'm thinking about a week will be good to get everything together. This means Dr. McDreamy and the tri-page philosphy swaps will be on pause. Which, honestly, will probs be a good thing. Give him room to miss me (...if he's so inclined) and give me room to step back a bit + clear out the dopamine circuits and better keep our dynamic in perspective. I'm sticking up a little placeholder message on facebook this evening, attached here because I think it's/I'm funny as hell. Also about to send him a very (very) quick note as follows. me = facebook hiatus = actively interested in your return serve re: the zuckerberg novella = available via sms/phone should the mood strike. abrazos. Sidebar: Being an adult is amazing. I've worked really, really hard to get to a place where I'm able to do what I want. When I want. An esp. restrictive way of growing up kind of...delayed my understanding that this was possible. Autonomy is a lovely thing. Be well, all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lvrnftr11 Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 We need more romantics in this world! Wish you luck and the love you want! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
browneyedgirl36 Posted January 31, 2011 Share Posted January 31, 2011 mustard, your posts always bring a smile to my face; you're hilarious, and your writing is so expressive. Great reading. And, you come accross as soooo human, so likeable. Just...awesome. Here's hoping your "hiatus" doesn't take you too far from ENA. Hope things work out -- in whatever shape or form -- with the crush. Even if it's not a "love connection" in the end, it's a beautiful thing to feel that feeling, isn't it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mustard1234 Posted February 2, 2011 Author Share Posted February 2, 2011 So. As y'all may know...I subsist wholly on marzipan and crazy, particularly in extremes. Keeping a steady even keel, especially when amorous, just ain't my bag. So, I asked him to come with me to Egypt. He pretty much said yes. A bulk of our massive conversation has been centered on the Middle East. We both have skillsets and a past that makes this 13% less absurd than it seems. This type of reform is dear to both our hearts and also *getting all girl squealy* in my fervent prayers to God has been the type of man who would take me up on such a dumb, crazy thing. Like, turn to him in bed one day and say "Italy?" and he rolls over half-awake to say "Yeah"...and then we get it on Here, I'll let the transcript speak for itself. My roommates saw me on facebook hiatus, being crazy and cleaning the same stovetop 9 times. I was subsequently held hostage until I spilled the beans and threatened with bloodshed if I didn't act on it. I know there's rules. And stuff. But I'd rather be wrong and be me than 'correct' and...in the jacked up limbo I was in. Full throttle, pick up the pieces as they fall. It's the only way I know how to be. Sadly and/or fck yeah. So, for your schauenfreude/whoops of encouragement/twisted pleasure. Here is how I roll: Me: egypt ...run away with me? #notkidding He yeah u r. anyway, dont believe international flights are operating presently, the border with libya has been closed 4 years, the border with sudan is closed, the army has moved in to the sinai so i can only assume the normal bus routes from israel are not operating...same for the aqaba ferry from jordan...HOWEVER i would conjecture that in 2-3 weeks: ~ there will be a more normalized way in ~ there will be a lot of positions open at places like CAC and other private english-speaking high schools, as many expatriats have left, in addition to other companies hiring for positions they need expatriats for... i have my good friend teaching over there now, we were roomates the last time i was living there and so we def. could crash. but i know ur fronting. Me sir, i never jest re: getting on a plane. serious as a jodeci reunion. trust. this chick = went to europe with 2hrs planning and $40. not pounds, greenbacks. i've felt an adventure coming on for awhile. thought about egypt resulted in a combination of lightbulb/tremor in spine. that's when i know it's the right place. i'm putting together a timeline to save + find something useful to do there and then you crossed my mind so, thought i'd toss the idea over the fence. you seem to be my same strain of crazy lol. but, passports aside, these mini-dissertations of ours are bomb. i'd like it if we met up. rap session over dinner? ~R I put it in the hands of fate about T-minus 10mins ago, he has yet to respond. I feel like I just tumbled out naked from a straitjacket. Free and exposed and horrified and glad people are staring. Regardless of how it shakes out, I know a few things: -I can get my 'dream man' to talk to me for more than 5 minutes. -There exists another human being who will go do something wonderful on no notice. I was honestly in doubt and thinking I was nuts all alone. He was considering border routes (!!) You have no idea what that does to me. *purrrrr* -I have the balls to go after it. Come what may. These are facts I can take in my heart and smile at...as I plan for Egypt Carpe [expletive] diem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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