So I Did It. Now What?

[BirdOnAWire]

For those following my threads, I came to ENA broken down and missing my ex. Well, almost 200 posts (in one month lol) later and it's crazy to look back at how I was just a short while ago. It hasn't been long on the calendar since I set out on this journey but when every day feels like a life time...a person can make some serious progress. You can look at some of my previous posts to get a full recap but here's a summary.

 

I was with my girl for a little over a year. I got cold feet about the committment as we were house shopping (already living together) and she has a son. She always talked about forever and because she's a few years older than I am, this scared me a little. Walking away for good was never really an option but I didn't do a good job at communicating. I broke up with her.

 

Not long afterwards, I realized what kind of mistake I made and came crawling back. At this point I had damaged her trust in me and she let me know that. It took her a few days but she agreed to take it slow in getting back to where we were. Well, this wasn't good enough for me I guess and I told her that she either needs to forgive and forget or move out by the end of the month. Well, she moved out. That was in October.

 

After that, it seemed that her moving out was the space we needed and things were going great. Well, we got to a point where I thought we were back to good and I pushed the issue. Again, not hearing what I wanted, I flipped my lid and so started the begging, pleading, ''please baby please'' and all the other stuff you're NOT to do.

 

We recovered...things were great again and then I felt her getting distant. This made me severly over compensate, I wigged out again worse than ever and she told me that she couldn't do it any more. She told me that she didn't feel the same and didn't want to try any longer. She told me to walk away. So, after degrading myself one last time, I picked up the pieces and walked away.

 

I found this site and downloaded several e-books and I figured the best shot I had at getting her back was to get myself back. I told her this with confidence, one last time and I never initiated contact with her again. A little more than a month later, I asked her to lunch to catch up on the holidays that we spent apart. This lunch didn't go well and she obviously had some issues that she was angry with and hadn't yet resolved. She also told me that she was ''talking'' to someone else that she was interested in. This hit me like a Manny Pacquiao punch to the ribs. I decided at that moment it was best to close the door. I didn't let her see me sweat during that ordeal though and took it all on the chin, quietly. I went strict NC and ignored her for 10 days. At that point, it wasn't about getting her back it was truly about letting her go.

 

I got more calls, texts and e-mails in that 10 days than I had gotten from her in 2 months. I ignored them all. Well, last Saturday I very suddenly got an overwhelming urge to contact her. I sent one, small text. I said, ''hi''. She responded back and it went from there. I ended up at her parents that night as that's where she was staying because she was really ill. I brought her some pie because she hadn't eaten in days and she loves this particular pie. She sat in my car and we talked for a few hours. I told her where I stand, I couldn't be her friend because I'm still in love with her and I have no intentions of putting myself through the torture of being her friend while she pursued others. I told her that it was now or never. She said she didn't know what to do. In a joking manner, I told her I'd give her a 24 hour grace period because she was sick and I walked her to the door. We hugged and she just wouldn't let go. When I tried to pull away she squeezed tighter.

 

Among the things she told me that night was that no one cared for her, was as thoughtful and considerate of her and no one was ever there for her like me.

 

The next day we started talking at noon and she invited me to her place that night. I told her that I did not want to talk about the same things that we did last night and I said all there was to say. I also told her that I didn't want to go and sit in my car for two hours again. She told me it would be different and insisted I come. I didn't see the harm in it and I could feel her warming up.

 

We talked for about 4-5 hours that night and she opened up more and more. She admitted that she still loved me and at the end of the night she told me that she still didn't know. So, we talked, we snuggled, we laid in bed, she cried at the thought of losing me but she still couldn't give me an answer. I told her that time was up and I left.

 

The next night, Monday, she called me at 7 pm and she was crying. She told me she needed me. Now, I was in full on ''moving on'' mode so I was hesitant. She told me that her son, whom I love and care about, was sick and had a fever. She told me she was alone and didn't want to bring him out in the snow to get him tylenol. So, obviously I had to go. I was inclined to tell her to call someone else but I just couldn't. I went over there and on the way she called and put her son on the phone and he sounded so thrilled that I was coming to see him. I was melting but I held my composure. I brought the tylenol, played with the kid for a few and I was on my way out the door. She stopped me. I told her that I've done all I could do, that I've made every positive change I could make but the one thing I couldn't change was her mind. I told her it was now or never.

 

Then, in the cutest thing I think I've ever seen, she waived a tissue in the air and told me she gives up. She loves me, she needs me in her life and anything else, we can work on. Keeping my composure, I told her that I don't want her to ''give up'' or ''give in''. I told her that if we're going to do this that I want her to want it as much as I do. She told me she did. So, as of Monday we are back together.

 

There are still some issues to be worked on and we both know it. My biggest thing is accepting the changes that we've each made. She's grown tremendously over the last several months. She has new friends, new interests and new hobbies. I am EXTREMELY jealous and some times I don't even know why. The biggest issue that her and I decided that I have to work on is my insecurity, jealousy and tendency to smother her. I've done well taking it slow and just Tuesday night, we didn't have plans but I expected her to want to spend the night with me. Instead, she watched her tv shows with her (girl)friend. I was jealous, admittedly. I told her to have fun and call me before bed though. This paid off and last night we did spend the night together and she told me that she was happy and really impressed that I haven't been calling her all day or that I didn't get upset when she stayed in with her friend the night before.

 

I don't want to smother her and I don't want to ''drown the flower'' and chase her away. I'm doing good so far in letting her come to me...and she's warming up quickly.

 

I do have one MAJOR problem though. She works (not closely) with the guy who she was ''talking'' to when we were broken up. She told me that they kissed but nothing more and she told him that the most they could ever be was friends. Well, I have a problem with that. I don't want them to be friends. The other guys she knows from work, that's fine but this guy is someone who she cultivated a romantic interest in. Am I wrong for this? I'm on the edge of giving an ultimatum that she either agree and tell him that their relationship NEVER goes beyond professional because if she chooses to stay friends with him, I'm gone.

 

What to do? I have to stay true to myself but I don't want to be insecure and jealous because that's always clouded our relationship. She's ridiculously beautiful and every guy that looks at her, I want to punch in the face because I know what he's thinking.

 

Questions? Comments? Advice?

[faithful14]

I don't think you have anything to worry about. She thought she might have romantic feelings, she acted on them, and realized she doesn't like him in that way. Plus, she chose you over this guy. If she wanted to be with this guy, she would have gone for it.

 

You just have to trust her that she will turn guys away. She did tell this guy that she will only be friends with him so there's no need to worry.

 

I would only see it as a red flag if she was spending a lot of time with him, talking about him a lot, being very flirtatious, having inappropriate conversations with him. But she hasn't done that, she pretty much told the guy straight up he has no chance.

 

So relax and enjoy being back with your lady.

[BirdOnAWire]

I don't think you have anything to worry about. She thought she might have romantic feelings, she acted on them, and realized she doesn't like him in that way. Plus, she chose you over this guy. If she wanted to be with this guy, she would have gone for it.

 

You just have to trust her that she will turn guys away. She did tell this guy that she will only be friends with him so there's no need to worry.

 

I would only see it as a red flag if she was spending a lot of time with him, talking about him a lot, being very flirtatious, having inappropriate conversations with him. But she hasn't done that, she pretty much told the guy straight up he has no chance.

 

So relax and enjoy being back with your lady.

 

Thank you faithful...but check this out. This guy and I...we have the same name. This is a bit weird. Not a deal breaker but weird. So last night when she told me that she would like to still be able to talk to him as a friend (not hang out with him, not spend time with him, just e-mail occasionally and nothing inappropriate) I told her that there was only room for one ______ in her life and if she didn't respect my wishes then I would leave, immediately. She grabbed me and told me not to leave that I have nothing to worry about.

 

Did I push the issue too much already? This situation does bother me and I didn't flip out on her or over react. I simply expressed my concern and she did tell me that she understands. It remains to be seen what she does. My thing is though, my mind always wanders and I'm the type of person that if she's not with me, I'm going to wonder what she's doing and who she's doing it with. The fact that this guy has feelings for MY lady, puts me in a position to not want this guy around. I know she set boundaries but that doesn't mean he'll respect them. She hasn't e-mailed me but twice today...I'm already saying, ''what if she's e-mailing him instead''.

 

I know this is a problem for me to work on and honestly she has never given me reason to doubt her loyalty. The way I see it though, the two girls that I dated when my girl and I were broken up, they've been told that I can no longer speak to them. I did this out of respect for my girl, she didn't have to ask. Should she be expected to return that courtesy?

[the_dawn]

Hi,

 

just out of curiosity, what changes have you both made in the time apart (which to be honest was really short)? I'm talking about noticing issues, working on yourself and thinking about what broke you up in the first place. New interests, hobbies and friends don't really fall under this category.

 

Regards,

the_dawn

[Live-N-Learn]

Telling someone that can not talk to someone only makes them want to do it more. You should just tell her that you would rather her not speak to him and that you have cut contact with all your past girls. But if she feels she wants to that you trust her.

[BirdOnAWire]

Well Dawn, my transformation started back in October when she moved out. That's when I started recognizing my issues and addressing them.

 

In the last 30 days here's what I've done.

 

-Gotten back in the gym. This is HUGE for me because I'm prone to anxiety and depression. Not a single medication I've ever tried has ever kept these issues in check like hard core weight training.

-Moved to a better position in my career.

-Bought a new home. My first. She moved into my parents place in the past. House was plenty big enough but the stress of that was intense.

-Cleared any debt I had and learned to manage my money better. My impulsive spending was a big deal to her.

-Learned to communicate better. This is apparent in only a few short days.

-Learned to acknowledge and hold myself accountable for my faults in the previous relationship and not just blame her for my unhappiness and insecurity.

-I stopped drinking. I had a few beers over football a couple weeks ago but I used to be a nightly drinker. Never got drunk but I'm a beer snob so while I may have 2-3 beers a night...those 2-3 beers may cost $30-$40.

-Learned to prioritize. No more video games when I should be working on a project or doing something more productive.

-Stopped being so slefish. This may be the biggest thing and until recently I didn't realize that I was even being selfish. Every time I chose to spend time playing playstation instead of helping with the baby...or every time I paid a bar tab instead of putting money into savings like I promised I would, those things really affected her and I didn't even know it.

 

Her biggest thing and really the only thing I ask of her is to learn to communicate and to never be afraid to come to me with anything. I honestly think that if she came to me with her feelings when she was feeling them, we could've addressed them and put them to rest. She's a ''you just should know'' kind of girl.

[the_dawn]

Hi again,

 

Kudos for doing all the above, but personally I think these two are the most important:

 

-Learned to communicate better. This is apparent in only a few short days.

-Learned to acknowledge and hold myself accountable for my faults in the previous relationship and not just blame her for my unhappiness and insecurity.

 

Communication is a key element in any relationship, so working on that is always good, but I'm curious how do you know if there's progress since say two months ago? I'm not judging, simply curious again.

 

In addition to the above, her issues are also important and that is sadly the part that we have no control over and it's totally up to the other person to make changes. You can change all you want, but if she doesn't work through her problems (and lets be honest we all have them) it can be complicated.

 

Please don't take the above as criticism, I'd just like to point out that you were apart for a rather short time and each time she touched her emptiness she reached out for you or someone else (her 'friend') which was really just covering the pain she was going through and bailing out. I'm a strong believer that true change comes from working through your emptiness and not running away from it. Of course that doesn't change the fact that I wish you both the very best in the future.

 

Regards,

the_dawn

[BirdOnAWire]

I encourage criticism dawn, thank you. Believe me, I know it hasn't been long and maybe not even long enough. One of those catch 22's, too late too soon. For this reason, we're taking it very slowly, not spending every day together and I'm working hard not to smother her. In our relationship we never spent more than two days apart though. She cried when I went to Boston for a couple days with my dad last summer. It's my task to not expect things to instantly go back to that. If I can do that, I think we'll be ok and we can let things naturally progress like they did the first time. When we first started dating we would see eachother maybe 2-3 times a week. We were scarce to eachother and this worked to make the attraction crazy.

 

I'll just have to do it naturally and not try to force anything.

 

My issue is this. At that lunch that I said didn't go well...she told me that she could be my friend but to be fair to this OTHER guy that she was talking too...she couldn't be my friend if I still had feelings for her. Now, she's in a relationship with me again but wants to be friends with him? This doesn't seem fair...and by her own admission. Something doesn't sit right with me here. It could really make or break this whole thing.

[charity]

this is YOUR trust issue. you not talking to your ex's is your decision and more likely one that was made to ensure that your gf behaves in the same way with her ex's. i say this as an ex jealous person myself.

 

look, she has already chosen you over him so obviously her feelings for this guy are not strong. this is not gonna be a tight friendship she said, just an acquaintance really. what do you want her to do? inform him that she is not allowed to speak to him or email him ever again.? whether she ever cheats or acts inappropriately with ANY guy is all her decision and nothing YOU can ever control so don't bother trying. that is what you are doing now-trying to control her feelings growing for him, trying to stop her acting inappropriately with him. SHE can only do that, not you! what you can do is be the best that you can be. you can discuss your mutual bounderies and hopefully agree on these.

 

it doesn't sound like you have anything to worry about now. who knows in the future....anything can happen. worry about it when it happens.

 

you WILL destroy this relationship and all future relationships if you let jealousy take control of you. not to mention the awful feeling that YOU feel yourself when you are jealous. you know how that can eat you up!

people often say that trusting someone is a choice. i disagree. i wish it was. then we could all make that choice to trust and life would be grand. sadly i think that trust is either there...or its not. however you can work on it and make a conscious decision to not act on distrust. don't snoop, don't question everything, don't assume they are looking elsewhere. ACT like you trust and hopefully the genuine feeling will come.

 

good luck!

[BirdOnAWire]

Yeah...I know what I have to do. She's going to do what she's going to do and she's not the unfaithful type. I do believe I'm letting the fear of losing her again get to me. I've got to relax I guess. She's already told me that the friendship they have will be appropriate and work related 90% of the time.

 

I don't think I can stop her from cheating or looking elsewhere if that's what she wants. I do think that I could push her away by trying to control her though. It's one of those situations where I probably can't do any good but I sure as hell can do some bad.

[the_dawn]

Hi,

 

the thing I'd be worried about is her not working through her emptiness and thus going back to the other guy when things get worse between the two of you. This might actually be the reason why she wants to keep him as a friend, but of course I might be wrong here. I'd seriously consider getting this book:

 

Getting the love you want - Harville Hendrix

 

and going through it with her, so that both of you understand what's in it. Why wait for things to get bad and worry then when you can work through your issues together?

 

The reason why being apart for such a short time might be a problem is that you can still act codependent and thus have certain assumptions and expectations. This can lead to fusion and emotional exhaustion and that can lead to triangles for example bringing someone/something new into the picture. You have to be standing firmly on your two feet and be ok on your own and also understand that your own happiness is in your own hands, not based on what others do.

 

Your reaction to her wish to have the other guy as a friend is understandable, but I also feel that feelings behind it are quite intense, would you care to expand on it a bit more? Is this the first time you feel this way, or were there any other situations when you felt similar?

 

Regards,

the_dawn

[BirdOnAWire]

 

Your reaction to her wish to have the other guy as a friend is understandable, but I also feel that feelings behind it are quite intense, would you care to expand on it a bit more? Is this the first time you feel this way, or were there any other situations when you felt similar?

 

Regards,

the_dawn

 

Yes. I had a sincere disdain for her ex husband. In fact, he's active in his sons life and even while his son was living with me for the better part of a year, I've never even met the guy. I wouldn't budge on this one bit and it started a lot of fights. She divorced the guy, moved on, moved in with me and had ZERO interest in him and I still couldn't take it. Just the thought of any man being involved with her, past or present drives me crazy. I could have made things a lot easier on her and her son by just accepting that they had a past and taking it for what it was, but I couldn't take it. I made the girl give away her blanket that she had since she was 10 years old because HE had slept on it. This is crazy behavior and I'm ashamed of it.

 

I also found pictures of her and an ex from college...who lives thousands of miles away and hadn't been involved with her for years...and I flipped out. We were in Florida on vacation and I was using her camera and seen an innocent picture of them and I flipped. It was like, I knew I had no rhyme or reason to be upset but I couldn't help it. I've always been jealous of her past and it's absolutely ridiculous. The thing is, I know it's wrong but I can't help it. I think there is some deep rooted stuff going on inside me that I don't have the answer to. I went through phone records, I demanded she always tell me who she's with and where she's at. Honestly, I don't know how she put up with it and I can see how she got fed up with it.

 

So, I can't tell if it's just me or if I have a point in being pissed off that she talked/started dating this guy. I've just always felt like nothing has ever been mine and what is, I've had to work damned hard to keep it because I view the world as trying to take it from me. Like I said, it could be a random guy at Target looking at her, and I want to break his face. This is a problem. I'm trying to correct it though.

[charity]

yikes!! no other human being in life will ever be 'yours'. it is by considering anyone 'mine' that we fret about losing them or keeping them. once you realize, that you can never EVER own or control another person you are halfway there. this is a very serious issue for you and your gf. i hope that everyday you are working on this, reading articles, reading books etc.

[charity]

and no, you do not have a right to be pissed off that she started talking to a guy after you broke up. you have a right to feel hurt yes. thats normal. pissed off implies anger or blame towards her. thats jealousy.

[BirdOnAWire]

Do you guys think I have a leg to stand on with this though? Logically, we were broken up and although my hope never faded...even I didn't think we'd ever be in this position to try again. I myself went on dates and hooked up with a girl and one of them, I will be friends with because she is in my circle of friends and I've known her for going on 10 years. I went a lot farther with this girl than she did with the other guy but it's like I'm giving her a double standard. In fact, I haven't even told her about that girl in particular and I don't plan to.

[BirdOnAWire]

yikes!! no other human being in life will ever be 'yours'. it is by considering anyone 'mine' that we fret about losing them or keeping them. once you realize, that you can never EVER own or control another person you are halfway there. this is a very serious issue for you and your gf. i hope that everyday you are working on this, reading articles, reading books etc.

 

I wasn't trying to imply that she was mine. I was just saying that nothing has ever felt like it truly belonged to me. I don't own her and don't pretend to. For a while there I was controlling and possessive. This is the biggest thing I've worked on and I will continue to work on it every day. She's her own woman, I'm my own man. I don't try to control her and when I realize that I'm doing it subconciously, I check it quickly. I figure that if I can get a hold of that...I'll be set.

 

My dads the same way...I dunno if that's relevant. All behavior is learned right?

[charity]

yes it is. and of course now that you realize it, you are working on it and i am sure you will succeed.

so you did the exact same thing as her during the break up yeah? and she doesn't know?. and you actually are friends with this girl? what will you do if your gf finds out? especially after your reaction with her 'friend'.

[faithful14]

The thing you got to realize is, you don't have any control over what she does. If she wants to be friends with him, then let her be friends with him. If she's going to leave you or cheat on you, then she will do it regardless of what you say to her.

 

So you only got control over your own actions and you have to just work on the jealousy and the controlling part. I do see why you are uncomfortable and I totally get it. But this is where the trust part comes into play. You should trust that she only wants you. Unless she actually does something really questionable or awful, I wouldn't make a big deal out of this.

 

You said in a previous post, that you worry about what she's doing when you aren't around her. Why is that? Has she done something before to break your trust?

[MakeItCount]

Sounds like you have some control/jealousy issues. I'd try to force yourself to relax. Trust her.

 

Also, instead of getting mad that other guys are looking at your girl, it should give you an ego boost knowing you're with her while others can only drool. Use everything in some positive way man, that's what it's about. Grats again.

[the_dawn]

Hi,

 

I doubt you can force yourself to do anything with this, simply based on how you described it, you know what you should do, you are aware, but it is somehow stronger than you. That was exactly what I was thinking about when I said 'work on yourself', these are the types of issues that one has to solve in order to make a relationship work. I'll be honest with you, this sounds like quite a big thing and I'm sure you can do some work on your own, but in my opinion therapy wouldn't be a bad idea.

 

Regards,

the_dawn

[BirdOnAWire]

No, not at all. She's been faithful to me in every way that I can tell. She's made sacrifices in the past, that I realize now, must have taken a lot of love, trust and faith in me. Honestly, as strong willed as she is if she didn't truly want this with me theres no way in hell she would be trying again. She is far from the kind of person to do anything unless she wants to. Also, a million guys would kill to be with her so if she wanted them and not be she could snap her finger and make it happen.

 

I'm just extremely insecure. Funny too because I didn't even know it! I have no reason to be insecure at all. This makes me think that there may be some stuff imbedded in my brain from childhood that I may need professional help in solving. I'm going to tell her that in no way am going to try to control her this time around as that may have been my biggest downfall in the past. Actually, she told me that was my biggest downfall! So I know what I need to do. Loving is trusting and letting the other person be who they want...otherwise you're loving with conditions and no one wants that.

[BirdOnAWire]

yes it is. and of course now that you realize it, you are working on it and i am sure you will succeed.

so you did the exact same thing as her during the break up yeah? and she doesn't know?. and you actually are friends with this girl? what will you do if your gf finds out? especially after your reaction with her 'friend'.

 

Well, this particular girl and I made what I view as a mistake. It was a one time thing and we both know that, it would've been a mistake even if I wasn't getting back together with my gf. It was a moment of weakness that wasnt planned and I regret it. My gf knows what happened...just doesn't know who. If she ever asks, of course I'll be honest. If she made a mistake in this manner I'd probably be more willing to accept it. She was cultivating an emotional bond with this guy. Thats what bothers me.

 

We've got to start fresh though so I am working hard to treat this as new and go at it with a clean slate. Wish me luck! I'm hoping this is an experience that can strengthen our bond and maybe one day we will look back at it and consider it something that we both learned and grew from.

[SethSLC]

this is YOUR trust issue. whether she ever cheats or acts inappropriately with ANY guy is all her decision and nothing YOU can ever control so don't bother trying. that is what you are doing now-trying to control her feelings growing for him, trying to stop her acting inappropriately with him. SHE can only do that

 

Man, I don't know why but those words resonated on this subject more than others I've heard before. Kudos

[velvette]

Then, in the cutest thing I think I've ever seen, she waived a tissue in the air and told me she gives up. She loves me, she needs me in her life and anything else, we can work on.

ahh, I 'aww'ed in my head for this!

 

you seem to have a very good shot at happily ever after with this one! trying to control her actions will be futile. ultimatums are unnecessary in a trusting relationship. I do hope you can curb your jealousy, as it'll only drive her away (as you already know!).