pinkelephant Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 I can't imagine being the only person in the world who has trouble committing to someone by turning other pursuers down when they're not sure that this relationship will work out or not. How do you deal? It doesn't seem to be an issue for most people, but it's something I always struggle with. My current boyfriend and I have been together for a little bit over 6 months and things are going relatively well. However, our biggest problem is that we have nothing planned regarding moving closer to each other. He is in med school and will be doing his residency in whatever place will take him in a year and I'm in undergrad, starting grad school in september and haven't decided if I want to do a master's or a phD at this institution (He lives in the states and I in canada so tuition is the reason why I would not go down there for school). We are currently 2-3 hours away from each other and can only see each other on average 1-2x a month. We talk daily, whether it'd be a phone call, skype or texting. Aside from struggling with the minimal amount of contact (which I can deal), what makes me want to pursue another guy (who lives here) is that he has no commitment to me, no engagement, no marriage promise at the end of this. I understand this may sound ridiculous, but I'm in my prime, I'm in university, I'm an undergrad, this will probably the year where my dating pool is at its peak. I'm worried that I'm committing to a guy who lives so far away who will just leave me once he's graduated. What do I do? What would you guys do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hrtlsngl7 Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 To me, LDR's are a joke and I don't engage in them. Text, e-mail, tweets or WHATEVER is not the same as someone holding you, taking you on a date, giving you a present, kissing you passionately & etc. I've put my life on hold 4 someone and got screwed. I wouldn't suggest it. Put him on layaway until he can get close to you and sow your oats young lady. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sparkly Eyes Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 Agree with the other poster. Don't put your life on hold for someone far away. Enjoy your last year in school! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweetpea03 Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 Well if you are in a serious relationship with this man, then he shouldn't just leave you after he is done with school. Personally, I don't like LDRs, as it would be too much for me. My boyfriend lives half an hour away and was an hour away before that. We tend to see each other at least twice a week, and I would love to spend even more time with him. Though if you really like him, don't ruin your relationship just because you are scarred. Think about the qualities you want in a husband and what you want in a relationship. If he is the one, then don't cheat and don't leave him, because the grass is not always greener on the other side. You may end up losing the best person ever if you just walk out of this relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedDress Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 I don't know that long distance is the problem, here... One of my (guy) friends once told me that we women need a 'relationship plan'. We need to have an idea of where the relationship is going and be able to visualize the future. Like being able to look down the road... Even if it doesn't happen the way we planned... even if the plan is WAAAY far off - that's ok - but we need a plan. Do you think you would have the same problem committing to someone (without engagement, promise to marry, etc) if you could 'see' a future together? The issue seems to be that you see a HUGE obstacle (being in different places, etc) and you don't 'see' how that can be resolved. I think that you either need to try to come up with a 'plan' or simply break up with him for someone who can provide you with a 'plan'... since this is the area that I think you are feeling discomfort with. Just my 2 cents. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 To me, LDR's are a joke and I don't engage in them. Text, e-mail, tweets or WHATEVER is not the same as someone holding you, taking you on a date, giving you a present, kissing you passionately & etc. I've put my life on hold 4 someone and got screwed. I wouldn't suggest it. Put him on layaway until he can get close to you and sow your oats young lady. Lots of people live in the same city, do all the holding, hugging, dating, present giving, kissing passionately etc..and then it all falls apart because they never actually felt true love...they were just going through the "romance" of it all but it had no meaning. When there is true love LDRs can work..but if all the person wants is the regular Saturday night date, kissing and sex..and it is no longer about the partner's personality, character and emotional connection...that is when LDRs fall apart. OP, I have to wonder, do you have a local guy in mind that you are attracted to and that is why you are losing interest in the LDR. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pinkelephant Posted January 27, 2011 Author Share Posted January 27, 2011 Lots of people live in the same city, do all the holding, hugging, dating, present giving, kissing passionately etc..and then it all falls apart because they never actually felt true love...they were just going through the "romance" of it all but it had no meaning. When there is true love LDRs can work..but if all the person wants is the regular Saturday night date, kissing and sex..and it is no longer about the partner's personality, character and emotional connection...that is when LDRs fall apart. OP, I have to wonder, do you have a local guy in mind that you are attracted to and that is why you are losing interest in the LDR. I agree with you about the LDR. Sometimes, I feel like my bf is the only person in the world who understands me and I'm amazed at how easy it is for him to get through to me and I can go on and on about how great it is. But perhaps it is due to the distance, but I don't feel like he belongs with me and even though we've been together for 6 months, it feels more like 3. I still don't know much about him, about his childhood, parents, etc.. although I've met his entire family and they adore me. It just feels like there's a distance between us that can't be explained despite how great we are. And yes, I do have a local guy in mind I have a mini crush on, he's been showing interest in me for quite sometime BUT (and I apologize if this sound conceited) there's always someone pursuing me at any given time so it's not this particular guy. It's just my constantly having to reject them and then wondering if this relationship is worth it giving up all these seemingly great guys... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 You deserve to know how he sees this relationship ending (ie, if he wants marriage at the end of it). I believe the reason CS and I have worked out so well and can endure getting married early on and survive the first year of our marriage in an LDR is we both knew what we wanted from the beginning of this relationship and we let each other know that. I don't think it has to do with the distance between you but more to do with you fighting the persuers. I mean, I have been hit on since I started dating CS but I never gave it a second thought... it kind of sounds like you have and that is were I believe the trouble is coming from. I'm sure not knowing were the relationship is going creates it's own problems but in a committed relationship, especially an LDR, you don't give a second thought to anyoen else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pinkelephant Posted January 27, 2011 Author Share Posted January 27, 2011 That is ideal, but I've tried bringing it up and he just doesn't want to talk about it. I've brought it up so many times that I feel like I'll look like a really needy person if I bring it up again. He doesn't know where he'll be doing his residency so he can't give me anything in that regards. The places he wants to go are a few hours of plane rides from me and we won't be able to afford that while doing residencies and grad schools. He just wants to "wait and see" since it's not like he's guaranteed to get into those residencies, we might be worrying for no reason. He is a great guy though and he, for the most part, is a good boyfriend. I still feel like I'm giving up too much for a "wait and see" thing. But I'm not sure. I feel like this is a normal thing in most relationships, especially at such an early stage? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 It wasn't how my relationship went in the early stages but we were never a 'normal' couple to be honest. If he won't talk to you about and at least give you a clear 'yes, I do see a future with you even if it is a ways away' and wants you to 'wait and see' which could mean a) you stay together or b) you end up going your separate ways... then you need to ask yourself if YOU want to be in this relationship. Can you live 'wait and see' for years?? I couldn't. I would at least want a firm commitment of 'I can see a future with you.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweetpea03 Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 It doesn't matter about residencies, you have to ask if he sees a future with YOU. Does he want to get married? When is his ideal time for settling down? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pinkelephant Posted January 27, 2011 Author Share Posted January 27, 2011 I think he would freak out if I asked him that question. LOL I was randomly just thinking out loud about the life I'd like to have and talked about marriage and kids, the ideal time to pursue those and he pretty much freaked out. I had to tell him I didn't mean it with him and was just thinking in general terms. And he calmed down and admitted that he was pretty freaked out. This was a couple of months ago, but I think I'd still get the same responses I did then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweetpea03 Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 I think he would freak out if I asked him that question. LOL You don't have to make it a question about the 2 of you, just in general. Does he want to get married in this life time? When does he think an ideal age or time to get married is? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 You don't have to make it a question about the 2 of you, just in general. Does he want to get married in this life time? When does he think an ideal age or time to get married is? I agree with Sweetpea. If he can't answer these basic questions, then perhaps he isn't what you need. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pinkelephant Posted January 27, 2011 Author Share Posted January 27, 2011 Oh, then I think I already know the answers those questions. He would like to get married and sometime between the end of his residency and the start of his very ambitious business. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweetpea03 Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 Oh, then I think I already know the answers those questions. He would like to get married and sometime between the end of his residency and the start of his very ambitious business. ok, but you need to know these answers, not just think you know. Have a talk with him again and see how it goes... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 Oh, then I think I already know the answers those questions. He would like to get married and sometime between the end of his residency and the start of his very ambitious business. Is this a certain age this will happen by? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pinkelephant Posted January 27, 2011 Author Share Posted January 27, 2011 Well I'm sure that those are the real answers. He's 25, so I think before he'd like to be married before he's 30. But okay, suppose I ask him and he gave me those answers. Does that give me anything about us? I want to feel like we are heading for marriage, but I'm not quite sure it's reasonable to ask someone that question at 6 months (LD)...? If I were to brought it up, how would I go about it to not freak him out..? I just feel a general anxiety about this and other guys pursuing me make me wonder. I'm not entirely convinced that not knowing he'd marry me is the problem either. I'm just not sure why I feel like this and want to pursue someone else. > Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 I would just ask but my fiance and I both didn't want anything that would not seriously lead to marriage in the future and we were up front about that from the beginning, especially considering our LDr> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sparkly Eyes Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 Why are you in such a rush to get married? you're 22 for god's sake! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweetpea03 Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 Do you know what he is looking for in a wife? Then maybe ask "do you think I have those qualities?". Just start off the conversation very light and then build on it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pinkelephant Posted January 27, 2011 Author Share Posted January 27, 2011 Why are you in such a rush to get married? you're 22 for god's sake! I'm not rushed. I just don't want to waste my "prime" time. I have many pursuers currently and I'm worried that this will not continue as I get older. Many older single women I know wasted their time with men who didn't want a future and end up going past what they felt was their "prime" time and end up losing out. I'd like to have kids before I'm 30 and ideally right after I finish my phD ( 28 ). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pinkelephant Posted January 27, 2011 Author Share Posted January 27, 2011 Oh and after reading another thread, I realize I might have missed a crucial point: He did say many times that he sees a future with me and he is in it for the long-run and wants this to be a long-term relationship. I didn't find it satisfying because long-term could just mean 2 years. But perhaps I am the unreasonable one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 I don't think it's unreasonable. Everyone has a different defintion of long temr. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TouchNastY Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 You seem to misunderstand: the "[m]any older single women" that "wasted their time with men who didn't want a future" dumped their stable long-terms to play with the other toys. Which is what you're considering, though falsely back-rationalizing with not liking long distance/not knowing the future/whatever reason you can fabricate. You are doing exactly what it is those "many older single women" did! The attitude seen in "I have many pursuers currently and I'm worried that this will not continue as I get older" is why those older single women are...older single women. "Men who didn't want a future" is a euphemism for your prototypical dead-end bad boy. Of course, due to cognitive dissonance and feel-good ego defense, these older single women (as well, men) don't admit to themselves that they kicked their own asses. Ask yourself why your "prime" time is something that needs to be "used." Isn't it to be used to find a suitable match? [the answer to this rhetoric appears to be no, and presumably to be used for sex, since you have in hand a decent match, and aren't satisfied] Sounds as though you're just telling yourself that so you won't have any qualms about having kicked your own ass in the future. Look, it's simple: This dude, or at minimum the archetype he represents (stability/career/family), is what you want in the future. The "past" you (meaning here in the present) has what the future you wants - and it's about to throw it out for a few years of hedonic pursuits. Future you is already kicking your ass, in the form of your subconscious. My final point is that the title is quite telling: you use "faithful," though the post's language speaks mostly of your doubts about the current relationship. Sure you're not lying to yourself? Sure sounds as though there's a temptation within reach [though you say otherwise], and cognitive dissonance is playing its [ubiquitous] role, editing the present to believe the problem is with the current relationship! Or is it merely a rationalization mechanism. Think on that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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