Severe performance anxiety

[mossa]

Hi, new here so thought I would share my story with you and ask for some advice. I split with my ex about 16 months ago now of 5 years, we lived together for nearly all that time and she was my best friend. We split beacuse the chemistry had dried up and was more like a friendship than anything else. I still carry a lot of guilt after this relationship, I could have done more to save it, I was too tight with money and never treated her. She has a eating problem and before she left was in a very bad way, I did help but I know I could have done a lot more by making her feel better about herself. I live with this guilt day after day, I would talk to her about it but she has a new boyfriend who she has been with about 10 months now and I don't wanna annoy either of them. We stayed good friends to start with but now we barely speak. It is on good terms when we do speak but I guess I was a bit naieve in thinking we would stay best friends longterm. I miss her a lot, she is the only partner who knew the real me and i fear she may be the only 1 who ever does as well

 

When we first split I craved some sex and wanted to find a girl who wanted me physically. I went out with a girl about 5 months after, who I fancied like crazy, the sex was amazing. I must admit beacuse she was very experienced I was very nervous about having sex so I took viagra. We had sex about 5 times and when we did I would always took a viagra so I knew I would perform without any "problems". When we did just foreplay I wouldnt take a viagra and always was erect. She told me after about 2 months she was falling for me and I felt really happy as I was gaining closeness and I also fancied her like crazy. She had a baby daughter who was about 3 months old who I also became very close with as well. Sadly within a few weeks of her telling me this she became more cold with me, She started meeting up with the babies dad so he could see the daughter, which I knew about. I could tell something was up she was was spening more and more time with him and contacting me less and less. We had a big row over this and finished and havent spoke since. I wouldnt say I loved her as was only together 3 months but I was definitely starting to feel that way. Upon finishing she showed her true colours and slated me on FB, even putting an update saying "I hope the weekend comes as quick as my ex". She then as good as advertised that she had been sleeping with the babies dad again. I know in hindsight im better of without her but still made me feel like crap at the time.

 

After a few more months I joined a dating site and met up with a girl and started seeing her, she was good looking but in hindsight another idiot who was constantly on about my height (im 5 foot 6). Then on a day out we argued and finished, wasnt too bothered about this but she dented my confidence a lot, as she would run me down all the time. I must point out that I never did anymore than kiss this girl, of which the first time I was abnormally nervous, so much so that I could barely get my words out before it and again felt humiliated.

 

After that I dated a girl from a dating site again, who in my opinion was stunning and made heads turn when we went into a bar/club. Within a few dates I slept with her (again I took a viagra). The next time I was stopping at hers, she made me a lovely meal and we were making out on the sofa and I was very erect and ready to go (I had not taken a viagra on this occasion). I suggested we went upstairs and we carried on kissing in a very quick and intimate way. At this point I could feel my heart going way too quick and I had gone limp. I imediately began to panic and thoughts went through my head like she will dump you for this, I bet her past partners dont have this. I made an exuse that I was desperate for the toilet and took a viagra. I went back up and i was still limp, eventually after about 20 mins we had sex, twice infact. However this seriously bothered me the following week and I was panicking day and night about the next time be it her or anyone else. I knew that I was dependant on viagra (mentally). I hate showing any weaknesses to partners even though I have quite a few, I also have a thing about being "manly" infront of them. My dad is a old fashioned type of guy like that and i guess I have followed in his footsteps. Within a few weeks this fling finished, mainly because of me, I was so full of fear about being impotent that I let a gorgous girl get away. She seemed very sex orientated so I presumed she wouldnt have the patience with me over this.

 

Since her, I went on a date with another girl, who im currently with of about 2 months now. Shes a really nice girl, who seems to care about me a lot and we already have a weekend trip booked. We had sex about 2 weeks ago in which yes you guessed i took a viagra. I managed to have sex 3 times that night and she said she had never had a night like that and that I was very good. She stopped over at mine the weekend and I only took a third of a viagra (usually I take a full or two thirds). We were kissing and everything was working, then after she kept suggesting me putting on a condom i eventually did with a bit of panic. Straight away my erection went and didnt come back for some time, I again felt stupid. I managed to become erect and we finished each other of (not through sex). I blamed my losing of erection on the condom and she didnt seem bothered but since then Im in this terrible panic again. Im useless at going with the flow and always seem to think way too much and im so worried about the next time. I know I can use the viagra again but at my age (28) i know this isnt healthy mentally or physically. Im even tempted to end this relationship rather than feel the humiliation again.

 

I know most people with tell me to talk to her about it but I hate showing weaknesses, especially about this. I also now seem to find it really difficult to get close to someone, I keep pushing them away. This is all causing me so much panic I dont know what to do with it all. My self esteem to so low now, lower than it has ever been and all because im panicking about sex which is something which I should be enjoying. Infact if im being honest I dont really want to be having sex at the moment, it makes me feel guilty and to an extent dirty after it but because I fear women will see me as unusual and dump me if i decline. To the women i date they would have no idea I am like this. I like to think I am funny and charming when i am with them but none of them (apart from my long term ex) know the real me, if they knew how messed up I am I fear they would want a way out asap. I have had 4 dates since I split up with my long term ex and all have seemed to like me initially, so I guess I must be doing something right until I sleep with them. Im going for counselling next week and im hoping that will help.

 

Sorry to go on for so long but I had a lot to get off my chest, I hope to have some replies.

[lvrnftr11]

Glad to hear that you are seeking professional help! Just like animals in the wild that don't want to show weakness for fear of being attacked, or worse rejected by a potential mate. Your reaction to what is happening is not out of reason! You have my admiration for seeking out help!!! What you want is a womans admiration I am sure, lol. One last thing you will come to find in time that there are women out there that are going to be crazy about you! As long as you don't keep trying to hide behind that tough guy image. Be yourself and everything else be D***ed. Best of luck!

[preciousgirl82]

I cant help but wonder if your problem isnt in your pants but in your mind. It happened to you with a woman that you really cared about and after that you got anxiety about it. Probably, every time you get ready to have sex with a woman you are already tensing up and worried about your performance. Im not a man but i know from my fiance that a man can have trouble staying erect when his head isnt really into it. You may be aroused but your fear of failure is keeping you from relaxing and letting the blood properly flow to your genital region. Next encounter, take Viagra if you feel that you really need it but pay more attention to how you think. Go into it with confidence and determination. It might make a world of difference.

[mossa]

Thanks for the reply guys, next time i'll try and be more positive about it, im trying to stay as busy as possible at the mo, that way i dont think to much about things. I'll keep you informed how things work out