confused24 Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 After a bumpy 9 month relationship, my ex boyfriend dumped me almost 2 months ago because he isnt ready for a serious commitment. Hes 27 and I believe a commitment phobic. Now during our relationship, he pulled this 2 other times but within days regretted it and I foolishly, took him back. This time, when he dumped me I told him I couldnt even be friends. Deleted him from fb and went home to my parents over Christmas for almost a month. We had NC. Well, this is the thing. We have MANY mutual friends and live in a small enough city where we have already run into each other a few times. It was def awkward at first, but then we spoke the other day while at the pub to clear the air. He said he had strong feelings for me but just isnt ready for a serious commitment. And that it really hurt him that I deleted him from fb, and essentially my life. I tried to explain he broke my heart and I needed space from him. I felt better after the conversation. I know he is on dating websites and possibly seeing some girls, whether for sex or just fun. I know he wont rush into anything serious. So I dont feel he wants me back. So heres the question: One day after our conversation he re added me on fb. I accepted and he emailed me and said he just wants us to get along and be friends. Why does he bother? Does he feel bad what he did to me? Does he, maybe regret it?? I know Sunday at the pub he had plans in the evening(another friend told me) but he instead stayed with all of us and didnt go. I just wish I knew if he still had feelings. Part of me is moving on, but then a part of me feels he is trying to suck me back in. Though, this time, it wont work. But after having a horrible heartbreak, it is nice to know maybe he does care, even a little. Thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 I think what he means when he says he doesn't want a commitment, is that he wants to be free to date other girls... he still wants you in his 'stable' to be there for when he wants or needs you, but he doesn't want you to be the ONLY girl in his life. Don't convince yourself that he some kind of mental illness (commitmentphobia) when his real problem is he doesn't want a steady GF and instead wants to keep shopping until he decides on one... He's 27, not 17, so his need to sleep around may be more a sign of inability to stay faithful to any one girl than anything else. Friendship is convenient for him but not for you! I'd just go NC and let him find out that the consequences of jerking someone around means he doesn't get to keep you in the background should he change his mind. You already know his pattern, and to get dumped three times in 9 months is NOT acceptable... he should have told you in the beginning that he wasn't interested in a GF rather than having you waste 9 months thinking he did. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
confused24 Posted January 26, 2011 Author Share Posted January 26, 2011 You are totally right. And I dont plan on being here for him when he comes crawling back. He wont ever get any part of me or my heart again. He had his chance, too many chances actually! He definitely wants to sleep around and date other girls. I know all of this, and luckily it is turning me off so much that it is making it easier for me to move on. The funny thing is, he will never meet anyone like me. In time, he will regret messing things up with me because I continue to live my life and be fabulous and soon meet somebody else more deserving of my love and he will just be alone with a hefty sex number. Gross! Thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nace180 Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 Ha, I went through the same exact thing, but for years, and he had a drinking problem. Chances are he still has feelings, the fact that you had 9 months with him shows that he was trying to be something maybe he just simply isn't for you. As long as you're okay with watching him move on I'd say keep him around, he might need you more than you know, or more than he'd ever be able to admit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
savignon Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 You say you "stupidly" took him back 3 times but now you've accepted his friend request on FB, essentially undoing your NC and "moving on". I only point this out to say that's how the whole "and then we got back together" starts. A little email here, a little chat there....it's not going to help YOU....although it will serve him for various reasons already mentioned. Imagine the ego fix he gets that you removed him but when he mentioned it to you, you told him it's b/c he broke your heart and you "need space" and then he puts you to the test and finds out that even though your heart is broken, you don't need space afterall (double ego points). So, he gets to have you at his convenience and also be dating/pursuing/etc. other girls AND knows that he broke your heart, AND undid your FB block. I just don't see what you're getting out of this. And I agree dumping someone 3 times in 9 months means you're just not ready for a relationship with that person and it's not fair to keep dragging them back in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
confused24 Posted January 26, 2011 Author Share Posted January 26, 2011 I live in a country 3000 miles from home and when I was with him he introduced me to all of his friends. Some i have grown close with. The problem is we WILL be running into each other. I will have to spend time with him whether I like it or not. If I ignored him on fb it would cause just another awkward situation when I run into him again. And yes, I am trying to avoid that. He might be getting his ego stroked by me adding him, but he won't get me back. I am NOT at his convenience. He can try, though it doesnt seem he is really trying to. He has many other issues that I dont have the space to get into on here and I KNOW he is not the one for me. And yes, there might be a time here and there where when I see him out and hes with another girl. etc it might hurt but this town is so small it is bound to happen. I would rather him think I am ok with it and that it doesnt bother me. Trust me, that will be a big enough blow to his ego. Thanks for your response. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
confused24 Posted January 26, 2011 Author Share Posted January 26, 2011 The only thing I am trying to get 'out of this' is to think he did care, at some point. A heart break is an awful feeling and it made me question our entire time together. I want to know that he felt some sadness at the end as well. Even if it wasnt as strong as my heart ache. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TidalWave Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 As long as you're okay with watching him move on I'd say keep him around, he might need you more than you know, or more than he'd ever be able to admit. If he'd need her, then he wouldn't of dump her. That is kind of contradicting, don't you think? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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