Kitz Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 I just need to rave.. I'm great at not dealing with things. My preferred method is just to pretend that they never happened and completely forget... but now its all starting to boil over and i'm learning that forgetting and running away isn't actually "dealing" with anything at all.... i've been so so so depressed recently. I think i'm actually going crazy. I recently started uni and was talking to a boy I made friends with there about everything in my life and he's so lovely, he made me realise I really need to go see help, but I don't know how, I don't know if I can afford it, I don't even know where to begin when talking to someone about these things... i've been with this guy on and off for the past two years. I feel like i'm going to love him for the rest of my life, god knows why as he's a loser who plays games all day, has no job and lives with his parents, and I have this paranoia that he's just using me as a means of getting a life and moving out of home because he can't do it himself. Right now we're doing a LDR and most of the times we've broken up is because he'll just go a month without calling me because he's too stoned and playing games.. apparently. I stalked him on the internet, sad I know, and saw he left a post to some other girl going "Jill I want to talk to you Miss u" He NEVER sends anything like that to me. what the ef?!? Because he never gives me any reassurance because he hardly ever calls me, I cheat on him all the time. Not physically, but emotionally. Since I started Uni there's been a few boys who've been interested in me and I have to admit i've been hanging out with some of them. I feel extreme guilt over this. Now maybe not, if he's talking to other girls over the internet. I've got plane tickets booked to see him in a week and when I last spoke to him, I felt like he didn't sound too thrilled. I'm out visiting my parents and finally got in contact with him - tried to ask him if he really, actually wants me to come down and visit, or am I just assuming things (he said i'm assuming & he wants me to come down), and then my dad was hammering on the door wanting to use the phone during this awkward part of the conversation and I had to go and my bf didn't say love you. In response to this, I just about had a mental breakdown. (its been building up for a while though, so I should have known it was coming). I absolutely cried my eyes out for about an hour, screamed, rolled around on the bed, just felt like my body was in so much pain. Started punching my head and then when that hurt didn't satisfy me enough I began bashing my head against the metal frame of the bed. I felt possessed, like I wasn't me. For the first time in my life i've actually wanted to cut myself but I didn't want to make any more scars. From the stress my face has just broken out in pimples, i've got scars all over my legs, that alone makes me want to cry, they're so bad I can't wear skirts anymore and its summer. I love my family so much I could never contemplate suicide, but that depressess me more as I just feel like life is such a mundane existence and if i didn't have them at least I wouldn't have to bother with everything else anymore. I want to hurt myself so, so badly. I'm just scared. I've been drunk and walking along bridges and gotten that "possessed" feeling again, like wouldn't it be fun to jump off? Its like because i'd feel too guilty doing suicide I want to do things that might result in accidental death, like trying to dive off a bridge when drunk or jumping in the car with the drunk driver. Hitting myself is a recent thing. It feels so satisfying to do when i'm upset. Now, after writing all this down, I look back on it and feel like i'm going crazy, but at the time I felt like... i was possessed, i wasn't me, i just wanted any way to hurt myself. i'm scared. i think im just going crazy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dramallama Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 First of all, calm down. It's natural to want to get your emotional needs met somewhere else if your boyfriend isn't doing that for you, and since he can go a month without talking to you and pot and video games is more important, it's probably better to let him go. I think seeing as the state of mind you're in it would be better for you to hold off on dating for the next few months, and give your LD "boyfriend" the boot. He isn't commited to you and can't be helping your anxiety. Are you able to cancel your plane ticket? He just seems not that into you, and all of those signs he is giving is that you are not his priority. As for your mental state, you seem to be in a fragile state of mind and need outside help. Go to your GP (a bulk bill clinic so that you won't have to pay for the visit) and tell him everything that you have told us here - about feeling suicidal. They should give you a referral for a public psychologist, depending on how urgent the doctor thinks your case is. In Australia you should get 6 free (or very cheap) psychologist appointments for emergencies like this, but you'll have to ask your doctor. Book a double appointment so you can tell your doctor everything. Do you have any family or friends that you can confide in? Everything will be alright. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kitz Posted January 26, 2011 Author Share Posted January 26, 2011 Thanks dramallama. (Love your name lol!) See I feel fine now.... this is why its hard to go see help, because I end up settling down and looking back and thinking "gosh, why did I act that way?" I guess thats why I wrote it down, to be able to remember my train of thought when it happens. Like I said, it doesn't feel like me, its like i'm possessed by this weird mood. I'll make an appointment with my GP... so glad to hear it isn't like $100 an hour. No idea where I got that figure from but that's the price I was expecting to have to pay someone to listen to all my problems lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
No One Posted January 29, 2011 Share Posted January 29, 2011 hhhmmm...you call him a loser without a life who can't say that he loves you...maybe, just maybe, he doesn't deserve you? You are in uni, you make an effort and are sincere, you seem to try hard. If he's just not that into you, don't blame him and don't blame yourself - love can not be willed into existence. Trust me, I'm officially old, and, this situation with you is not something uncommon. A LDR? Those can work, but, not if he (both parties) won't make the effort. Seems his inactions are his way to tell you something. You assume that it (the problems, fault, blame) is YOU; couldn't it be HIM? Why not go see a counsellor/GP - at least to see how it goes? There's NO shame in getting some assistance (you'd go if you had a broken bone, right?). I'm a (lightweight) SI, so, please take a leap of faith and trust me that (1) you are being way too hard on yourself, and, (2) you should go see whether a counsellor/GP could help (insurance? free clinic? university medical program? etc.). Maybe, let us (ENA board) knwo how it's going for you? Do you need any Net resources? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brianm09 Posted April 10, 2011 Share Posted April 10, 2011 You might go for a broken bone, but I'm not sure if I would. Hospitals is where they torture people by pocking them unecessarily with needles. Believe me I know. They seemed to be respectful, but the needles really got to me later on. Counselors are even worse. They perscribe medications that cause horrible things to happen and they miss mineral suppliments that accomplish the same thing without the side affects. The minerals actaully work better than the medication. Natural is normally better so there's no surprise there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dramallama Posted April 10, 2011 Share Posted April 10, 2011 Brian, it sounds like you have some type of mental disorder. No offence. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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