Im being stupid

[tunnelsunshine]

Im letting my jealousy get the best of me and I cant help it. My ex bf and I dated for 4 yrs..its been about 3 months since we broke up. Ive handled it pretty well...by that I mean Ive been on a brave face for him. Spoke my piece and let him know how I felt and have mostly left it alone. Ive messed up by sleeping with him 4/5 times in the time we broke up.

Finally told him I wasnt going to wait forever. He had told me that he had every intention of working on us. We started getting along SO much better. Then a couple weeks later he says he doesnt know whats going to happen. Last time I saw him was Xmas...up until this past week. Its the longest we've gone without seeing each other. Ive been trying to get on with my life which is hard when my thoughts and even my dreams continually taunt me. But he makes it hard, he sends me a text every day, if not he contacts me through facebook or whatever. It just hard for me to know what he really wants.

I tell him that because he doesnt tell me, I dont know whether to stay or go and his response to that is "if you go, Ill have to win you back I told him I felt like I was just going to get screwed over in the end and I dont want that to happen. He said that he didnt view it as a waste of time but if I felt I needed to move on to avoid feeling the way I did, he wouldnt hold it against me or blame me and "like I said, Ill win you back if I have too." Totally contradicting

 

Anyway, hes 28 and Im only his real first gf...hes never been one for talking with girls but I feel like since we broke up hes become more social. The minute he gets bored he needs someone to hang out with him. Which is weird because he always hated being around other people. He just started going to this one bar with his buddies who have been goin for awhile. He became friends with this group of girls that hang out there (dont know why seeing astheyre only 20) but this one girl has come to his house a few times to watch football with him and the guys. I only know that because I was looking at a pic of his friend and her and noticed that they were in his living room. Long before this I asked why he had her number and he told me that her and his friend are "practically dating" which I find hard to believe because his friend lacks..a lot in personality and like wise and this girl is pretty cute. Anyway I asked why she was invited to his house for football and I wasnt and he said its cuz his friend invites her. Then I got really mad last night because I was looking at her profile pictures and I saw that he "liked" one of them where its just her taking a cute pic of herself. I realize I sound like such an idiot right now but I think it bothers me so much because not ONCE has he ever liked one of my pictures or commented on one of them. It just irks me and I lost it a little bit and I asked if he had a "thing" for her. and asked him to please not lie to me

His reponse was "you kids and your drugs" so I said "hmm" and he said "sorry no I dont have a "thing" or some"thing" or any"thing" ...which I honestly thought was a little rude but whatever.

 

I saw him for the first time since xmas like 3 days ago. I went to take my puppy to get groomed. He kinda took her back from me. But I knew he wasnt going to be home so I took advantage. Anyway I was watching tv with his mom in her room and he showed up and the look on his face was..idk..he knew it was my car. He looked shocked I guess . Then he just dive bombed the bed, put his arm around me and kinda buried his face in my chest and started asking all these questions. We went downstairs after awhile and I watched a movie with his bro while he played computer games and then proceeded to play the guitar so I went and put my shoes and jacket on cuz I wasnt going to sit there and be ignored but he didnt want me to leave so we played a board game and then he asked if I wanted to watch a movie so I got blankets and sat on the end of the couch. He came and cuddled up behind me and said that he was cuddling with me for warmth because "why else would you cuddle with someone"....again, I thought that was kind of mean..or rude. Gee idk maybe because you want to be near someone"

There were a couple times where he stopped watching the movie and just turned his head so his face was like..in my hair. Before I left he laid his head in my lap and I played with his hair for awhile...he fell asleep. Then I woke him to say I was leaving and he held his hand out to me like he wanted me to hold it. I felt weird so I grabbed just two of his fingers..bc usually he will kinda pull away after touching my hand for a min. Anyway, I tucked him in and shut out the lights and went to leave and he goes "what, no goodnight kiss?" So being the sucker I am, I went back and we just kissed a couple of times. Which was really nice, compared to what Its been the last couple months.

 

His mom says there isnt another girl, and the only girls to come over, come over with his friends and theyre usually someones gf...that and he doesnt go out enough for there to be someone else. Which I believe. I dont think he would do that to me. Hes been rather gracious with me when it comes to my questioning him about other girls. You may think its not my business but at the same time..if youre sleeping with someone youve been with that long..knowing the feeling..I think I have a right to know.

 

I feel a lot better that I used too..but then I see these little things and they'll get me into a mood for a couple of days. I have a hard time over coming it and I dont want to seem overly ridiculous to him you know? I do want to get him back.

[tunnelsunshine]

Does it sound like theres a chance for reconciliation here? From his actions?

[dramallama]

It's not really contradicting. He's letting you know that he needs space for now, and if he does decide that he wants to be with you, he will come to you. He's actually been pretty clear about it. So he doesn't want to be with you now, and he's letting you know this, so leave him alone. Give him all the space in the world. If he does decide to get back with you, take things slow. Be unavailable, similar to when you first started dating. Men like a challenge, and if someone is confused about what they want, they shouldn't be let back in your life too quickly or easily. So he's unsure about being with you, commited to you in a relationship, but still wants to know that you're there just in case.

 

The handing over the puppy thing. You may think that you came accross as being advantegous, but it really comes accross as clingyness - you'll do anything to spend time with someone that is unsure about being with you. You must have more dignity than that.

 

If someone is confused about commitment and asks for space, believe them. Say "I know that you are confused about us right now, so I am going to take some space from you as well. If you ever come out of this confusion and do decide to be with me, you know how to contact me. In the meantime, take care." Then ignore all texts, phone calls, block him from facebook (yes, facebook WILL set you back if you don't block him!), if he comes to your door turn him away - unless it is to meet up so he can discuss his decision. If he decides to get back together, then great. Take things slow, in all areas - emotionally, sexually. Guard your heart for a while. If he decides that he wants to break up (and you may never get this closure), then wish him luck and move on. Don't settle for being friends. A lot of people on this forum have tried it, and it just opens up a world of pain. It cannot be done.

 

Having said that, when someone asks for "space" or a "break" it is usually pre-emptive to a break-up, or it IS a break up. You should see it as a break up and start No Contact unless he tells you in no uncertain terms (and he said he will do this) that he wants to be together again. What he has been getting up to since you have been broken up is none of your business, so you shouldn't be asking him about it. Also, you really don't have any right to be jealous since he isn't your boyfriend anymore. If you are getting jealous, then it means that you shouldn't be in contact with him because you are only going to end up hurt when he does date other girls, if he isn't already.

 

I see that you posted this in the "Getting Back Together" section, but from what I can gather, he doesn't want to get back together with you - quite the opposite. And your best bet for reconciliation or moving on is No Contact. If someone is iffy about being with you, let them have more space than an astronaut to think about it. But don't waste any more time with someone like that. If you lose him (but it sounds like you already have) then that's his decision, but at least you will be free to date someone that is damn sure that they want to be with you.

 

Here's a thread about No Contact: