Ms Darcy Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 Based on your thread about hooters and him and now this one, I'd say you are looking for reasons to get out of the relationship. From the information you've given I am a lot like your bf and you are taking things to seriously for this type of person. ... Your bf is a good guy, he wants to make things work with you, he likes to joke around and he genuinely enjoys talking to people. Don't chase him away unless you want to but at this rate that is all you are really going to do. You may a good guy, but I wouldn't want to date you. I think Batya explains it well ... It sounds like he is too casual/laid back for you-he sounds like he doesn't pay too much attention to the effect of what he says - kind of verbal diarrhea and he doesn't pay close attention to boundaries in his personal relationships- he wants to dance, flirt, make friends, acquaintances, no matter what gender. He's exuberant and prioritizes that over being precise with boundaries, what he says ,etc. It's fun to watch but it's not my style and I probably would be uncomfortable as you are in a serious relationship with someone like that. I like to feel secure when I am with my husband that he cares about the impression he makes - on me and others -that he filters what he says depending on the context and environment. If he found another woman attractive I am sure he wouldn't blurt it out (to me or to his friends) but I also wouldn't ask unless I wanted to know the answer - I don't feel the need to test him. Guys like your bf can be lots of fun but a good partner is a person who doesn't take life seriously, is self-confident and has a very thick skin. i would agree. I wouldn't want to marry a guy like that, for example. It would be annoying to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GrowingUp Posted January 26, 2011 Author Share Posted January 26, 2011 Maybe me being hurt is coming off as angry. I think I understand that. Sorry guys if I'm being snappy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
orchidrose Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 Maybe me being hurt is coming off as angry. I think I understand that. Sorry guys if I'm being snappy. Okay, so let's get back to the actual issue here: taking the focus off of your boyfriend and putting it on you. You can make your own decisions and choices. If you do not feel comfortable in this relationship, regardless of reason, you have the power to leave it. You have the power to discuss it with your boyfriend in a calm, rational way (not in an accusatory or passive-aggressive "tell me now if you love her" way). And you also have the power - nay, the obligation - to do what you can to improve your behavior in these circumstances. So, what are YOU doing? Worrying about him and asking us to validate your feelings about his behavior doesn't count. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brazilgirl21 Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 Growingup - Go with your gut. Women have good gut feelings. If you don't trust the guy, why stay with him? It's not even a matter of what he did or how he acts. It's the fact that you don't trust him that's alarming. You should be with someone you trust. And you are not damaged... I mean, in a way we all are. Sorry people here are giving you a hard time. Don't take everything personally. People here tend to attack others who are expressing their vulnerabilities... Just don't take it too seriously and try to believe that people are only trying to help. But never forget: "Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GrowingUp Posted January 26, 2011 Author Share Posted January 26, 2011 Hi brazil, thanks for the advice. Trust is a issue with me period so its hard to figure out if I'm just being insecure or if I REALLY don't trust him. But the others are right, if I'm having this many problems so early on then clearly we are not compatible. It just sucks because he seems like a nice guy but just because he is a nice guy doesn't mean he's the guy for me or that I'm ready to be with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sparkly Eyes Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 Growing up, I really think he might not be the right guy for you. Don't stay in it just because you've been dating him for a little while or have been intimate with him...Don't waste your time, Look for a guy who can be YOUR guy. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GrowingUp Posted January 26, 2011 Author Share Posted January 26, 2011 Yeah I never really broke up with anyone before, I mean when my ex broke up with me he did it and before that I wasn't in any relationships so its like I feel bad doing it I don't know how. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LostLeo42 Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 Growing up - I can tell you - not all men have a bunch of female friends. My BF doesn't have any female friends and he doesn't go out drinking without me. I've read all your threads on this topic and the Hooters comments would have been the end of it for me. I think you need a more mature guy, someone more like yourself. I don't think you are overreacting. It sounds like he is trying to impress you with "all his women" by flaunting it in front of your face and I find that kind of behavior very immature. You will find a guy better suited to you. You won't be doomed to be alone forever. Don't waste time with someone that isn't right just because you are afraid you won't find someone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
northernlight_ Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 You may a good guy, but I wouldn't want to date you. I think Batya explains it well ... i would agree. I wouldn't want to marry a guy like that, for example. It would be annoying to me. Thats ok my wife is a fan, and I'm not looking to date, so everyone wins Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GrowingUp Posted January 26, 2011 Author Share Posted January 26, 2011 I wasn't just sticking with him because I am afraid of being alone or not finding someone else. I have been single and its not so bad. Its just that I like him and sometimes I don't know if I'm being overly sensitive and insecure because of my past. I know I asked him about the Hooters thing and all but this phone call situation has me feeling like he is going overboard. He has tried to reassure me that he doesn't have feelings for this person etc and I feel like he can tell that I'm pulling away so he is making a effort to talk to me but its just like whats next? What will he do next and I can't keep sticking around waiting to see if he is a jerk or not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penelope13 Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 What do you like about him? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LostLeo42 Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 I have had a lot of short relationships(under 6 months) and I am on my 3rd long term relationship (5 years). I can tell you - the ones that were long term - I found nothing wrong with these guys for a long time - I adored them in the beginning. The ones that didn't last 6 months, I was finding fault with them after a month or 2. The first 6 months should be the best time. There shouldn't be any drama or doubts. I guess I'm finding it hard to understand - you say that you really like him - but so many things he does or says - you don't like. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 I wasn't just sticking with him because I am afraid of being alone or not finding someone else. I have been single and its not so bad. Its just that I like him and sometimes I don't know if I'm being overly sensitive and insecure because of my past. I know I asked him about the Hooters thing and all but this phone call situation has me feeling like he is going overboard. He has tried to reassure me that he doesn't have feelings for this person etc and I feel like he can tell that I'm pulling away so he is making a effort to talk to me but its just like whats next? What will he do next and I can't keep sticking around waiting to see if he is a jerk or not. If your mindset is "stick around to see if he is a jerk or not" then don't date him out of fairness to him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GrowingUp Posted January 27, 2011 Author Share Posted January 27, 2011 Well of course you guys are only hearing the bad about him because thats all I post. I don't come online to tell everyone how funny he is, and how he buys me flowers when he see's I'm down. He apologized about the whole joking around too much thing. He is very honest and he is very caring and sweet, he is a man of his word and he is really ambitious. We are a lot alike and we have a lot in common. Its just hard to be with someone with the other characteristics he has. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GrowingUp Posted January 27, 2011 Author Share Posted January 27, 2011 If your mindset is "stick around to see if he is a jerk or not" then don't date him out of fairness to him. You took what I said the wrong way, I didn't mean it like that, I can't really explain it any further. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penelope13 Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 Well of course you guys are only hearing the bad about him because thats all I post. I don't come online to tell everyone how funny he is, and how he buys me flowers when he see's I'm down. He apologized about the whole joking around too much thing. He is very honest and he is very caring and sweet, he is a man of his word and he is really ambitious. We are a lot alike and we have a lot in common. Its just hard to be with someone with the other characteristics he has. those are a lot of good things! Try to remember those when you start painting him as a jerk etc and you are not sure if there is truth to it or if it is your own insecurity/ assumptions talking. Now: disregarding any assumptions or your thoughts running wild, what did he actually do in the past 3 months, that is a deal breaker for you? On top: what are your deal breakers? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 Thats ok my wife is a fan, and I'm not looking to date, so everyone wins Right. And the point for me is that not finding that acceptable isn't wrong or insecure. It's preference. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
savignon Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 He is very honest and he is very caring and sweet, he is a man of his word and he is really ambitious.has. Isn't it interesting then that you don't trust him, don't take him at his word and don't want to "wait around to see if he's a jerk" in the end? (those words also stood out to me....again, it's like you're waiting to be disappointed and most people who expect the worst get it) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 There is a difference between not trusting someone specific who behaves in ways that would have a reasonable person pegging them as untrustworthy versus an inability to trust ANY man given your own private history. If you're morphing these issues together, you'll kill your relationship. If you can't trust someone specific, walk away from them, but if you're turning an otherwise trustworthy person into a potential cheater in your own mind because you've got deeper issues with trust, that's a straight-up no-win for all involved. It's not BF's job to be your therapist--that's a professional's job. Work on your trust issues outside the relationship if you want to keep this one, and don't keep placing demands on BF to heal this for you. He can't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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