Batya33 Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 It sounds like he is too casual/laid back for you-he sounds like he doesn't pay too much attention to the effect of what he says - kind of verbal diarrhea and he doesn't pay close attention to boundaries in his personal relationships- he wants to dance, flirt, make friends, acquaintances, no matter what gender. He's exuberant and prioritizes that over being precise with boundaries, what he says ,etc. It's fun to watch but it's not my style and I probably would be uncomfortable as you are in a serious relationship with someone like that. I like to feel secure when I am with my husband that he cares about the impression he makes - on me and others -that he filters what he says depending on the context and environment. If he found another woman attractive I am sure he wouldn't blurt it out (to me or to his friends) but I also wouldn't ask unless I wanted to know the answer - I don't feel the need to test him. Guys like your bf can be lots of fun but a good partner is a person who doesn't take life seriously, is self-confident and has a very thick skin. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
capuccino83 Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 I think that you want to break up with him, not the other way. Don't blame it on him. Obviously this guy has a lot of female friends. He's not going to turn his life upside down for someone after a short period of time. Just find someone who has less female friends if that's what you are into. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GrowingUp Posted January 25, 2011 Author Share Posted January 25, 2011 Well no, I don't expect him to turn his life upside down after only about 2 months but I feel like I deserve to be treated like a person with feelings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 He is treating you like a person with feelings- he's just not treating you the way you expect to be treated as his girlfriend -which is far more specific than just "a person with feelings" - he asks how you are feeling, he listens to you express your feelings -but you want him to change his behavior -that's far different than "just treat me like a person with feelings" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GrowingUp Posted January 25, 2011 Author Share Posted January 25, 2011 Yeah I understand what you are saying. I just gotta wait for the guy who treats me exactly how I want to be treated? I'm starting to wonder if that guy even exists. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Yeah I understand what you are saying. I just gotta wait for the guy who treats me exactly how I want to be treated? I'm starting to wonder if that guy even exists. A bit silly to worry about this based on one person you've known for a few months. You'll figure out for yourself whether your standards are reasonable and if they're not you'll change them. If they are, you'll do your best to be in environments where you are likely to meet men who are compatible with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GrowingUp Posted January 25, 2011 Author Share Posted January 25, 2011 Well I have dated a few guys and I never am happy. I'm not basing it only after him..I just don't seem to fit with anyone. Its really concerning for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
savignon Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Well I have dated a few guys and I never am happy. I'm not basing it only after him..I just don't seem to fit with anyone. Its really concerning for me. This is why someone previously asked what you're doing to take more responsibility for your feelings. You're not never happy because of men/external forces...you're unhappy with something internal that you can probably change. Getting this upset about a friend of his without asking more details (how they know each other, for how long, etc.) and going to the extreme of "this always happens to me" and "I guess I'll always be single" suggests some esteem issues and insecurities that might be sabotaging some of your relationships. You even start with "He WANTS me to break up with him".....because he said "boundaries" in a conversation with a person you don't know in a context you're unaware of? Seems extreme. Something to consider. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GrowingUp Posted January 25, 2011 Author Share Posted January 25, 2011 I didn't want to keep drilling him for all these answers right after he got of the phone, I didn't ask him how long he knew her and all this because I just felt like that was too much asking. I just got down to the basics of if he had feelings for her at all etc. I guess I should have asked how long they knew eachother. I don't know. lol I am not searching for a man to make me happy. When I mentioned that I'm not happy I meant with the person I am dating. They always seems to do really unsavory things. Hope that explains it a bit better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 I went on dates with hundreds of men-I had relationships, short and long - with dozens of men - most were good people, some were not. Should I have had the negative attitude you do based on the "some" that were not? It sounds like you're basing your opinion on a small number of men and that concerns me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
savignon Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 I didn't want to keep drilling him for all these answers right after he got of the phone, I didn't ask him how long he knew her and all this because I just felt like that was too much asking. I just got down to the basics of if he had feelings for her at all etc. I guess I should have asked how long they knew eachother. I don't know. lol I am not searching for a man to make me happy. When I mentioned that I'm not happy I meant with the person I am dating. They always seems to do really unsavory things. Hope that explains it a bit better. That's what I meant....you're putting on the other person rather than taking responsibility. They aren't supposed to "make you happy". A person who's happy and confident with herself might casually ask, "Oh, who was that? ....How did you meet her?/How long have you known her?" ....instead, you decide it's "unsavory" b/c of the one word (boundaries) and are all over the place with his intentions, if he's interested in her, ignoring his texts now, being upset with him. You don't even have the whole story. It's not a proportionate reaction to what actually happened...which was a phone call. Now the doom and gloom (I'll be alone forever, I'm never happy, they do unsavory things, he wants me to dump him, I'm chopped liver, etc).....that negative self talk is why you're not happy....not because he took a phone call from a long distance friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GrowingUp Posted January 25, 2011 Author Share Posted January 25, 2011 I'm not looking for him to make me happy. I wasn't only upset because of the word boundaries either, I just don't feel comfortable having to keep asking all these questions about another woman. I shouldn't even have to, I just want him to know that its wrong to be being all flirty and mysterious with another woman in the first place. I mean thats not rocket science when you're in a committed relationship is it? I have to hold his hand through everything and tell him whats wrong and whats right all the time? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 But it's your opinion that it's wrong. My husband went into the other room for an hour to call his female friend. He wouldn't have told me unless I asked. To some women that might be unacceptable. To me it's perfectly reasonable that he might want to catch up with a friend and of course he doesn't need to tell me who he talks to. It's a bit arrogant of you to tell someone what is right and wrong unless it has to do with specific situations you have agreed upon. If you agree not to date other people and he does,you can tell him that that is wrong. But your notion of right and wrong apparently is not his - it doesn't mean one of you is right or wrong you just have different standards. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
savignon Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 I also think it's arrogant to think you're dating such an idiot that he needs you to hold his hand. Do you respect him? Trust him? If so, then you don't need to tell him what's right/wrong and when/how/with whom he can talk when you're around. If I were him I might feel like you were belittling me, treating me like someone who is out to get you/disrespecting you/etc. and would be put off by the insecure nature of your questioning and anger. Too much drama for such a short relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GrowingUp Posted January 25, 2011 Author Share Posted January 25, 2011 So you feel its perfectly okay to behave the way he does? I guess we are just different in what we look for in a partner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Sanguine- Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 So you feel its perfectly okay to behave the way he does? I guess we are just different in what we look for in a partner. I think it's fine for him to behave the way he does. And it is also fine that you prefer not to be with someone like him. People are different, but you can't say he is WRONG for the person he is when he hasn't really done anything to purposely hurt you. What I see is more of a difference in values/characteristics, but you see that as him trying to hurt you and not respecting you because he's not treating you the way you've expected him to. To be honest, I think you two are just too different to be in a relationship and I think you need to work on yourself before you get into another relationship. I was the same way when I got out of my relationship. I am not even trying to be insulting, I just don't want you to keep finding things wrong when they may not be any because you could be missing out on some great guys. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
savignon Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Exactly. The standards I have have worked out well for me. At the same time I don't make baseless accusations, assume the worst of the people I date, presume I should be treated a certain way when it comes to taking phone calls, etc. It takes two people to make a relationship work. Not one person holding the hand of the other until they're inevitabely disappointed in them and unhappy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iBroken Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 Im going to reply without reading 5 pages of the same topic posted in the other threads. Its clear that you are not capable of sustaining a healthy relationship with this man. Its in your best interest to break up with him and find someone else who will cater to your jealousy and insecurity. Good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 So you feel its perfectly okay to behave the way he does? I guess we are just different in what we look for in a partner. It wouldn't work for me but someone else might be fine with it, even turned on. Are you really surprised that people look for different things in a partner? You seem to need to be validated that your personal standards are somehow objectively "right". It doesn't work that way most of the time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GrowingUp Posted January 26, 2011 Author Share Posted January 26, 2011 Im going to reply without reading 5 pages of the same topic posted in the other threads. Its clear that you are not capable of sustaining a healthy relationship with this man. Its in your best interest to break up with him and find someone else who will cater to your jealousy and insecurity. Good luck No one is forcing you to respond or anything. You seem upset or annoyed for some reason. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
orchidrose Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 As I and others have recommended on your previous threads, I don't think this is the guy for you. Additionally, I'm fairly certain that no guy is currently for you with the insecurities and self-esteem issues that you are struggling with. End the relationship, think seriously about therapy and what you can do to better yourself (instead of focusing all of your attention on what you're partner is doing "wrong" or how he is out to hurt you), and then think about getting into a healthy relationship. I fear that without working on yourself, as others continue to suggest, you will not have a healthy relationship with any man, regardless of compatibility in values and needs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GrowingUp Posted January 26, 2011 Author Share Posted January 26, 2011 Its clear you all have your mind up about my character so there is no need to post anything further. Thanks for your input. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
orchidrose Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 Its clear you all have your mind up about my character so there is no need to post anything further. Thanks for your input. GrowingUp, we are not personally attacking you. You came to ask for advice (presumably, since this is an advice website). We are not here to validate every one of your emotions and opinions. We are here to give your our points of view and offer advice on how to better yourself and be happy, whether that be in a relationship or not. The people who are suggesting that you have a lot of work to do on yourself do not think you are a bad or sick person. We think that you are a smart, strong young lady who was in a long-term traumatic, abusive relationship that has left her with a lot of wounds. That does not make you a bad person. Seeking therapy or not being ready for a new, healthy relationship does not make you a bad person. It does not mean that you don't have character, or that you will never be happy, or that you will always be single, either. It means that you need to take a good hard look at your own behavior and work on bettering yourself. Completely disregarding all of the issues with this guy's behavior, which I think hasn't been great at times, I think that this entire relationship has been a really convenient way for you to ignore all of the trauma that you went through in your last relationship. This is why people jump from one relationship to the next: so they don't have to be alone for thirty seconds and realize that they have their own issues to deal with. I really think the adult and healthy thing to do right now would be to end your relationship, get into therapy, and work on making yourself happy without the assistance of a man. I truly hope that you take some of the advice in this thread to heart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bulletproof Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 Its clear you all have your mind up about my character so there is no need to post anything further. Thanks for your input. Surely you see the pattern here? You don't like that he doesn't agree with you about how the relationship should be, so you are angry at him. You don't like that posters don't agree with you here, so you are angry at them. At what point do you finally look around and realize that these unhealthy patterns are sabotaging any chance at a healthy relationship? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GrowingUp Posted January 26, 2011 Author Share Posted January 26, 2011 I don't know where you are reading that I'm angry but okay. I was single for a year before I got back with my ex, I didn't jump right into a relationship then. I don't just jump from one relationship to another. I was giving dating a try because this guy came alone. I wasn't looking to jump into anything. But anyways at this point everyone see's me as damaged so basically I'm just gonna leave this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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