whatatodo Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Can anyone offer any advice to me... I work with my ex. I finished it, because we were destroying each other, issues on both parts, but mainly because we both felt so negative that neither one of us felt the other was happy....which just went round and around. Problem is we work together, and I REALLY want him back - I've been so upbeat everyday since we split (not this weekend the one before) and he's gone about how it shows such strength of character and things.... anyway - I stupidly went around to his last night, NOTHING happened but that killed me... I almost wanted something to happen, but it's clear we're just friends. He initiated a chat with me last night, when we'd both said we wouldn't... and during the chat I felt as if we were getting somewhere and a little hopeful it wasn't over but then it was like he'd had enough of the chat - that was it, and we just stopped. I left and he hugged me goodbye twice. Today I sent him an email with my heart on my sleeve and got such a 'non' reply... and it was all 'I appreciate what you wrote' and stuff and was almost business like. He's away on a trip for the rest of the week now, he said he'd read my email again whilst away......... so I don't have to see him at work....but I KNOW he wont text or call, and he won't miraculously have changed his mind whilst away..... Is there any hope...? And how do I cope with it all at work?? I can't do no contact as a result. Plus i just don't want to, it feels if Im not in his life he'll just forget or move on to someone else. URGH my head is just going round and around... I keep making myself busy but it doesn't stop me from thinking about him and missing him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paradiselost Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 All I can think off is to watch Grey's Anatonmy Series 2 or 3 - Meredith and Derrick break up and get back together and in the mean time they have to work together. In the series it seems impossible that they do get back - but they do! - in Series 9 they are married planning a baby! I know its TV - but oh well TV is modelled on real life Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fancythis1 Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 I know how you feel! My ex and I are in the same industry and still have to communicate at times concerning business. It's hard! I sent you a PM. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whatatodo Posted January 25, 2011 Author Share Posted January 25, 2011 Paradiselost - I don't have any - wonder if I can watch online... I just wish life was like the movies/tv - Doesn't feel like it will though....I wish I could watch it though. I've never known him so final.... he's just getting on and fine. He's not going to change his mind... I know I ended it, but it was sort of mutual in the end and he just seems so final... I'm just his 'friend' - no hope. Fancythis1 - I replied to your PM Has anyone got any advice about how I can get no contact at work and make him want me...?? I feel like i'm going mad! i hate knowing what he's up to, he was so busy last weekend, as was I but I was always thinking of him, and he knows i'm still mad about him and want him back... and i know that he's busy this weekend too and I hate it..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Einah1281 Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Ahhhh....the office romance I used to work with my ex-bf. Between us seeing each other all the time (at work, after work, weekends, and church) not to mention co-workers in our business put a strain on us which led him to end the relationship. It was hard for me because I couldn't fully go NC because we not only worked in the same dept he also sat two cubicles away from me (ugh!). I started to look for elsewhere and lo behold 2 months after our break-up a recieved another job offer and got outta there! That was the best thing that could ever happen to me because I now had peace of mind and I didn't have to look at him everyday, but he still contacted me and I gave in each time he did, I was also intimate with him twice. Until he dropped the bombshell on me that he was dating someone else and I should move on. I was heartbroken...I felt like he broke up with me all over again after that. From that point on I went NC....threw myself into my new job, joined a gym, and started to get involved in volunteer work. Three weeks after he told about his new chick...he starts texting and calling again. I ignored him everytime. One day I gave in and sent him an "hope all is well" text. He texts me back telling me the chick wasn't with the girl anymore and invited me out to dinner but I declined because I had plans. I seriously thought after that he wouldn't try again because just like you...I thought he would "move on" and "forget about me". I tripped out on that for awhile but I quickly got myself together and took on the mindset "if he calls he calls...it he doesn't...then he just doesn't because life will go on". Fast forward to last week he calls me out of the blue asking me if I would like to grab some coffee and go to a movie...I declined for that night but I told him I would be avaliable the next night. Went out with him..had a nice time. I left the outing with no expectations. To make the long story short he has been calling,texting,and asking me out more lately. I don't know whats gonna happen between us, I would like to work on things but at the same time I am not expecting nothing. Whatever will be...will be. I know I went off on the deep end in here but the moral of the story is NC...nothing else....nothing more. I don't know if you have the kind of job to where you have to interact with him daily but if not I would try my best to ignore his presence(no sappy e-mails,IM, visits..nothing) You have already put it out there on where you stand, now he has to take the initative. I know sounds silly and its hard but it helps, and walk into your workplace with your head held high..laugh...smile...fake it till you make it! He may comeback but he may not but you have put yourself in that mindset that you will be okay whatever the outcome may be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whatatodo Posted January 25, 2011 Author Share Posted January 25, 2011 Thank you Einah1281 that really helped. I spent today going to recruitment consultants they seemed pretty positive. Unfortunately I do have to interact with him daily... I've just found out one of mutual friend's has a birthday tomorrow, which makes me think that the drink he told me he was having with two friends is actually her birthday drinks... I'm gutted as it obviously the first of many times I won't be invited to things............ this has really thrown me back.. everyone together except me Do I mention to him that I know, or just leave it? I feel SO gutted... it really feels hopeless, and although your story fills me with hope, you're so much further down the line than me. What if he meets someone on Friday night?? I suppose he won't know what I'm up to and might wonder, but he really doesn't seem keen.......so I can imagine he will move on i can't gauge anything from him - at all!! I wish I could afford to go on holiday and just disappear for two weeks!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Einah1281 Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 I wouldn't mention anything to him. You have to keep in mind that you guys are no longer together so you could care less about what he is doing. If he volunteers more info on the outting respond with a simple "thats nice...have fun" and go your merry way. I know the feelings of "whats if" but you really have to train yourself to put that in the back of your mind. Go have some fun on your own friday night...get with a couple of girlfriends, treat yourself. You can only hope that he won't meet anyone else but it he does...so be it. Its time to change the tide...and it begins with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paradiselost Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Can you maybe download them or view them from the internet - I am in a similar situation as work in the same field as my ex and just last week had to email him over work. I too would like him back - however one thing I do suggest for your own sake is that any correspondence through email, work phone etc must be strictly proffessional for 2 reasons: 1. It will set him thinking in a good way and realise that to get you back he cant hide behind work as an easy excuse to appraoch you, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY 2. You need to safeguard your position - remember anything work related can be possibly viewed, passed on etc and you do not want your boss to get the wrong impression. good luck keep us posted - I am 5.5 months breakup, peaks and lows of NC, LC and now trying to go back to NC. To be hoenst I have no hope but that also seems to be theonly way according to what everyone says here. Chin up, stay happy, dress to kill at work and make every effort to do whatever it takes to keep yourself happy and surround yourseld with happy people and happy moments Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whatatodo Posted January 26, 2011 Author Share Posted January 26, 2011 He replied to my heart on my sleeve email last night, with a very 'nothing reply' - he 'appreciated what I'd said' he'd reread it again a lot a it was important etc etc.......... I replied, no reply. The he text me last night, saying he was going to get an early night, that he wanted to know how i got on in the afternoon, and said he'd hoped that him being away for te rest of the week would 'help'......... but I think it was in the context of me. I didn't reply. He then text me this morning, hoping I'd slept well, to let me know the cab I'd booked him for work hadn't shown up but it wasn't my fault, he was just letting me know. Then he finished saying 'have a good day and rest of week' and that he'd read the email again when he was on the plane..........I didn't reply. Then I sent him and his colleague a a very business like email apologising for the taxi problem in the morning, and updating them on what customer services had told me.... he replied....almost immediately, saying it wasn't my fault at all that he just wanted to let me know so i could tell them off, he thanked me, saying there was no stress at the airport, that he'd got there such and such way and to make sure they didn't charge me for the journey that never happened............... there was no kiss, no nothing.................. I've not replied. What does everyone think?? Is there any hope for me??????? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lucklou Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 As with me its one day at a time, tomorrow i'll see my ex at work. I'm trying not to get worked up about it but its the not knowing if he'll speak etc, i'm not going to hide away. Treating it like a normal shift. We've done shifts together so its not the first, but its my first shift after goin NC, only day 2 - i know its nothing! I don't see why i should behave any different but i'm just not sure how he'll be. He arranged to bring my things to work (after a 3 month split) but i've said i'd rather he didn't fetch them, i don't think its fair to do the exchange at work. We'll see how he is. I asked if he still had an item he made for me for my garden (a hedgehog house) - it wasn't finished but it was something i wanted, not because he'd made it but because i need it. He replied with no he didn't still have it, which would of been enough, but then told me that it had been chopped up for firewood! Was pissed at the time, now i think its funny (its ok u can laugh) but i'm still disapointed. He split with me and i did nothing wrong, thought his actions where a bit childish Back to your post, i know its really hard but don't read to much into anything, good or bad. Your doing the right thing not mentioning your private life, even tho its killing you not to. Word will get to him if you want it to that your doing ok. Leave it a bit longer and then see how the land lies. Its so hard going no contact but he's still licking his wounds just like yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whatatodo Posted January 26, 2011 Author Share Posted January 26, 2011 PM-ing you Lucklou.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whatatodo Posted January 26, 2011 Author Share Posted January 26, 2011 Turns out I can't pm you.... Lordy... we really sound like heartbroken twins you and I!! It's SO similar... have to say he hasn't chopped anything up for firewood just yet (eek!!) but he'd left two large things at mine... one of which a firebowl I'd bought him........... the other a large print of his favourite book I bought him......... he left them on the day he came to collect his stuff that he'd stored there before he moved........... anyway I told him on whatever day that I was bringing in the firebowl so he could take it back, but turns out he didn't have a hire car anymore so I offered (argh) to drop him home (lives near me) and the firebowl... he said i should come in and yep nothing happened - even though he initated the heavy chat we'd both said we wouldn't do.......... ANYWAY he told me he couldn't collect the picture and bowl from mine at the weekend as he was too busy sanding and painting his new flat!!!!!!! then in a later conversation I found out he'd collected one his girl friends (nothing more!!) Mum's sofas from HER ex bf's house (just down the road from my flat!!!) then taken the flat to girl friends mums house, and then taken another sofa back to his........ so why didn't he think to pick HIS stuff up from mine!?!!?!!!! It's good that he's away now, though hard not to see him!! he text me last night, text me this morning, replied to a work email of mine with a friendly chit chat context........... and I've not replied. SOOOOOOO hard!! esp as I would usually text to see if he'd landed okay and things................. In your heart of hearts do you EVER think you'll get back together?? My sister got back with her bf after he dumped her... 5months that took, a friend broke up with her bf, 6 months later they got back together and he proposed........... I hear it all the time, and though I hope for it to happen - I just don't see it with a happy ever after for me, because he does have slight issues and you're right maybe he is protecting his pride and licking his wounds... who knows. He's got so much going on in his life, as have I but i KNOW i think about him all the time, I've no clue if he does me... men are tuned up differently and CAN just switch off! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lucklou Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 Tell me about it, mine has completely switched off, why can't i PM its gettng very frustrating! I've only been a member since Sunday do you think thats why? I think he didn't pop to yours for things maybe because he couldn't face you, not in a bad way but things will be raw for him and he maybe just didn't want to have anything running around in his head while he was working. Wanted to switch off. Why are they so good at that? Surely it would be easier to just be honest! Thats where i've gone wrong - been far to honest and i'm worse off for it! I was talking to a friend of mine a couple of weeks ago, she has 3 sons and was surprised when one talked to her about the split he'd just had, he's only about 18 but his gf was living with them all. Basically he said he loved his ex so much, missed her all the time but as he wants tho join the RAF he finished it and was being rough with her so she would move on and have a happy life - he intended when the time was right to get back with her and make up for everything, my friend and i agreed that if men where just honest life would be so much easier! I think they sometimes worry to much about being the alpha male. To any men that might be reading this i'm not anti man, honestly! I think men are worried they look to sensitive so they just block it all out and carry on. Thats half the reason i chased and still sorta am my ex - i know he's to proud to admit he was wrong. We where really shy around each other when we first met, both scared to make a move, so i've been trying to take control and sort things but he has switched off! Do i ever think we'll get back together? I honestly hope so, things weren't perfect but i hope we'll learn from this. To be honest my ex is a bit of a mummys boy - his mam is in charge of him (he's 30 - im 27) I have my own place, nice car, good job etc. He has nothing to show for his life, never moved out of the family home, he was spending all his time at mine, so we were unoffically living together, i was going to ask him to move in in the new year. He's self employed but if his mam wants him to take her on the food shop he'll drop everything (work) and take her. Started to get to me a bit that he did nothing at all to help me around the house but i put that down to him having his backside wiped for him at home. I hope my rant puts a smile on your face. My life is so much easier without him but now i have nothing to do. No tidying up after him. I miss him all the time. I know i love him. Life has no purpose at tho mo - kno thats a bit dramatic but its how i feel. I'm just so disapointed he didn't give me a chance to try and put things right, we both had our faults but they were pretty minor. Not enough to split for good over. So yes i do hope we'll get back together, i have already thought that in 6 months (3 months left) if things are the same as they are today, that has to be it. I am healing but i'm not ready to move on of that makes sense, i'm not letting him know i'm hanging around but i can't give up on him just yet, will get on with my life as much as i can Fingers crossed NC will make him realise what he's lost and he'll talk to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whatatodo Posted January 27, 2011 Author Share Posted January 27, 2011 NO CONTACT FAIL!! So yesterday as I left work he sent me a message from abroad, going on about how miserable he was at the job, how his professional life really impacts on his personal life and how he's going to look for a new job when he gets back he 'promises' etc etc...how he knew I was upset and angry at him and he was sorry. I couldn't NOT reply......... so I sent him really positive points about all the negativeness he'd outlined in his message. JUST as I'd sent it I received a bbm from one of his bestfriend's gf's seeing how I was........ and to be honest she was being SO blunt......not in a conscious attempt to hurt me, but I think the fact she's from another country made it seem less caring........ though I know she was trying to be if you know what I mean!! Anyway she recommended a book i already have 'hes just not that in to you' - anyway - all of it really fired me up, so straight after my lovely text to him, i sent him a 'ps' how this girl was bbming me and I could let it get me down or I could try and learn and get positive from what she was saying........ he immediately replied on the defensive, how she couldn't comment as she didnt know the situation or how he felt......... anyway we sent texts to and from, and he sent a really long one saying how he hates that he 'might' have lost me, how i was wonderful, caring, loving, how hes worried that a leopard cant change his spots and so soon..........even though he wants to. how he wants to give what i was saying the time it deserved and how he wanted to sort it all out..........and how I shouldn't 'dispair' and that he 'cares greatly' I SHOULDN'T have broken NO CONTACT, as it was such a mixed message, I cant work out what he's trying to say.......!?!?!! I (stupidly replied) nothing heavy just responding to his concerns and just being upbeat and strong and positive FOR HIM.........plus i was just feeling a bit angry at him thanks to his best friends gf and he's not replied. not last night, not today........ don't know what to make of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aftershock879 Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 I know exactly how you feel about working with an ex so hard! I have 2 see her everyday and still talk to her at lunch as we all sit on one big table! You try to act like nothing is bothering you but it gets to a point where you just get tired! I want to get back with my ex too as we had a really good relationship and I love her,she broke up with me after being confused about how she felt about me! I was like * * * ,it hit me like a train,as it all happened so quickly! We have been broken up now for 3 weeks and there has been abit of contact mainly on her part via email/txt just asking if I was leaving as I got another job offer,even though I wanted to leave it felt like I was running away from my problems. The nc thing is near impossible when u have to see them everyday! See u think guys are messed up!my ex has been single for 7 years and I am the first guy she has been involved with! We have been involved for like 2 years on/off but the last 9 months we got really serious,do women get freaked out by something going so well for a change? Her last bf ran off with her friend so has a host of relationship issues and they reared their ugly head a few weeks ago!so I'm confused as she said she doesn't want me to disappear from her life but 'at the moment' can only offer me friendship,from a womans point of view what do u think? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whatatodo Posted February 2, 2011 Author Share Posted February 2, 2011 OH MY GOODNESS!! We're in the same boat, down to the timings and everything!? Plus I was approached about a new job today and he wanted to know more, asked me to speak to him about it twice. Thing is I'm adamant looking at mine and his past that it won't change. He's different to when we were 'on and off' (like you) for two years!? and we were together JUST under a year!! His last serious gf cheated on him and I gave him EVERYTHING............ And, like you, he seems only capable of being friends.... it went from it being '2 weeks is too soon for real change' to us not being right for each other and then it just seeming so final. I'm afraid I can't offer advice, but PM me to keep me posted, I'm loathed to write on these public boards anymore in case he or his friends log on... doubtful but you know.... I REALLY WANT HIM BACK - what hurts is the fact I realise I was the one mainly at fault and I've CORRECTED those issues, but he won't have me back!! And I don't think ever will! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aftershock879 Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 Stupid question how do u pm?lol Also pretty spooky I'm from Buckinghamshire too! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 I would just not contact him out of work. Stay OFF of chat. Don't log in at all. Do other things. go out of the house. Also, you said in your relationship you were just destroying eachother. Remember that. Do you think its going to be any different. It doesn't matter if he thinks he is missing out on a good thing. If its not the right thing and you just hurt eachother, it is not worth it. You might need lots of time to figure this out but I think you just want what you can't have or miss him and aren't thinking about the reason why you broke up. He admits that he doesn't think he can change. So keep your distance and move on for now. If he surprises himself in the future and you both grow, that's one thing but life is too short for destructive, unhealthy relationships. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aftershock879 Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 well I spoke with my ex today and she thought I didn't want to speak to her because I have been abit distant with her, as I know she is so stubborn I just sent a polite email saying that I think we should spend time together and see how things go and she said that she would like that, saying as long as we are moving forward then asking what I had in mind...do you think this is a good sign? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whatatodo Posted February 3, 2011 Author Share Posted February 3, 2011 Very good sign in my book. My day couldn't have been worse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aftershock879 Posted February 4, 2011 Share Posted February 4, 2011 I don't want to be in the friend zone though, I know we have to spend time together as friends first to see if anything happens, but I am still abit unsure, what do you think I should I do? What happened to you Whatatodo? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whatatodo Posted February 4, 2011 Author Share Posted February 4, 2011 He told someone (as if i needed further claification of him not coming back!?!!! ) that he hopes we can 'remain good friends 'given time to work things out'. I WANT HIM! I DON'T WANT TO BE HIS FRIEND! I've told him I want him, I've told him I've changed, he can see I'm getting my life back and looking for new jobs yet he can cut it off be SO happpy and upbeat and realise he just wants to be friends!?!? but I don't know how I'll cope WHEN he meets someone else if he hasn't already! I HATE not being part of his life, yet HAVE to hear about it through work or see it in his work diary.... how can it be SO easy for him when I am breaking.... I can't eat, can't sleep........... everything is messed up and I have no idea where I'm headed.... yet he can just go on. he wants to remain friends but he's not helping me out as if I were one of his friends.... there were things he said he'd do or we could do that he's not followed through with. I'm trying NC out of work but I still find it SO hard as I want, desperately to hear from him. I did everything for him and it wasn't enough - I miss him SO much and he doesn't me....all of these are horrible eye openers.... he's just finding it SO easy, he knows I loved him more than he did me.... but I pushed things to a point where we were second guessing each other and he thought he was making me unhappy.... and a little bit was but if I could go back and start afresh I know it would be okay................... just he's not going to go for that - EVER! Everyone is saying it gets easier, but HOW!! I cant get out of bed today, I have eaten properly for days... I KNOW that makes everything worse!! I cant go to the supermarket because it reminds me of him, I cant cook because it reminds me of him and it's not for HIM- I AM LOST, AND BROKEN AND THERE IS NO HOPE!! I LOST IT! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aftershock879 Posted February 4, 2011 Share Posted February 4, 2011 I know how you are feeling, has he actually said the words that there is no chance that you to will get back together, what you need to do is just take a step back and try put on a brave face (I know this is hard I am doing it myself) You have to think of it this way, even though he acts like nothing is wrong it will be bothering him aswell, no one can switch off their feelings that quickly for someone they were close too. I am in the same situation and even though it hurts I am concentrating on myself at the moment, if you want to talk about this in private then that is cool but I am not sure how to PM?? remember I know what your are going through and it sucks, but nothing you can do will change the situation except do things to take your mind off things, this is the hardest thing as everything seems to remind you of that person no matter what it is, your mind always slips back to them, it drives you crazy there is nothing you can to change that. I soon realised the more you ask questions about the situation the more you push them away that is a fact! I don't like posting on this forum first time I have done so, I think we could help eachother as it does make it easier to talk things through with someone who knows what you are going through. How do you PM? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whatatodo Posted February 4, 2011 Author Share Posted February 4, 2011 doesn't look like you can pm yet.... think you have to have had a certain amount of posts.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aftershock879 Posted February 4, 2011 Share Posted February 4, 2011 Doesn't matter you can just e-mail me dimension879@yahoo.co.uk, I only made this one so I can post on here Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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